On Saturday, I wake up to chaos. Lana is hunched over the counter, finishing up Cami’s birthday cake while the kid runs around the kitchen in circles, trying to steal frosting from the bowl.
“Go get dressed before everyone gets here.” Lana points in the direction of Cami’s room without glancing up from her task.
Cami takes off, not looking where she is going. I jump out of her way before she can crash against my legs, saving us both from falling over.
“Watch where you’re going there.”
Her eyes light up. “Sorry!”
“Happy birthday.” I rub the top of her head.
She launches herself at my legs, giving them a big squeeze. I never thought I would come to crave hugs from a little kid, but every time Cami does it, I feel like I’m winning at life. Although mine isn’t put together like my brothers’, Lana and Cami make me feel whole in a way a job or an inheritance could never even attempt.
Maybe Declan and Iris were on to something when they said they wanted a whole brood of kids and a dog. There’s something about a family that can’t be beat.
Cami breaks away and runs into her room, leaving Lana and me alone.
“It’s only nine a.m. and I already have a headache.” Lana rubs her face with the back of her hand, effectively smearing chocolate frosting across her cheek.
I can’t resist leaning forward and licking it off her skin before she has a chance to wipe it away. Blood begins to flow downward, especially when she looks up at me with hooded eyes.
I’m tempted to recreate our first kiss with chocolate icing this time. Lana seems to have a similar thought with the way her eyes drag from my lips to the bowl beside her.
“Tastes great.” I wink.
Her eyes narrow, although the brightness in them doesn’t quite fit.
I walk around her and sift through the medicine cabinet. “Here.” I pass Lana two Tylenols and a glass of water.
“Thanks.” She sighs before knocking back the pills.
I lean against the counter next to her. “Rough morning?”
“I have like, a hundred people coming over in two hours, and I’m not even close to being ready.”
“What do you need help with?”
“Everything.” She slumps against the counter.
I grab my phone and pull up a notetaking app.
She shoots me a look.
“What?” I ask when she doesn’t say anything. “I work best with a list or else I might forget something.”
“You’re really offering to help?”
“Sure. I don’t mind if you put me to work.” I smirk.
She rolls her eyes with a smile. “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Lana rattles off a list of random tasks, most of which require me to drive into town. It’s evident that with each task I take on, her tense shoulders drop a little more.
“Be back soon.” I give her a quick kiss on the temple before leaving the house.
It takes me over ninety minutes to finish all the tasks. My car is filled to the max with balloons, food, and a few last-minute supplies Lana forgot at the store.
By the time I make it back inside the guesthouse, it’s been transformed into a Princess Marianna wonderland, with decorations covering almost every surface, streamers hanging across the ceiling in fun patterns, and a half-complete balloon arch behind the cake table.
“You made it!” Lana rushes out of her room and grabs the balloons from my hand. She ties them to the balloon arch to finish it, although she needs my help reaching the tallest point to secure the Princess Marianna inflatable.
“You really go all out.”
She laughs to herself. “Too bad you didn’t see last year’s theme. Cami wanted a Christmas-themed birthday because she didn’t want to wait until December, so I turned the backyard into a winter wonderland. Most of the town donated their Christmas decorations, so it ended up being epic. Blew out the power grid for the night and everything.” She laughs to herself, making my chest warm.
I grab her by the hand and pull her against me. “I wish I had been there.” I place a soft kiss on the top of her head.
She looks up at me with batted lashes. “I do too,” she says and places a quick kiss on my cheek before wiggling out of my embrace, brushing against my cock in the process.
I groan. “Cruel woman.”
“Sorry! Gotta get ready!” She darts away toward her room with a laugh, leaving me wondering how the hell I spent six years away from the one person who made me feel whole.
And how do I make sure I don’t spend another day without her ever again?
My anxiety about spending time with Delilah, Violet, Wyatt, and the rest of the town who hates me intensifies as the clock gets closer to noon. The more I help Lana carry everything outside, the more real the whole birthday party becomes.
The first shot of vodka was only meant to take the edge off. I wasn’t proud of sneaking back inside the guesthouse, but the fear of what might go wrong overrode my pride.
Music playing and people talking outside only makes my anxiety worse, which fuels the vicious cycle.
I’m not happy with my moment of weakness, which drives me to drink some more. It’s a pathetic sight. Me sitting on the floor, nursing a bottle of vodka while Merlin stares from the other side of the room, secretly judging me. I don’t stop until the burn in my throat rivals the one in my chest.
By the time I pull myself together and go outside, the party is in full swing. I slide my sunglasses into place to hide any signs of my secret.
Wyatt lifts his chin in my direction before resuming his conversation with a couple other men I don’t recognize.
“I was wondering where you went. I’ve been looking all over for you.” Lana holds out a plastic inner tube for me. “Cami was hoping you could help her with this one.”
I grab the inflatable from her hands without speaking.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yup.” I stick the little plastic nozzle in my mouth and start blowing.
Her head tilts. “Are you sure?”
I nod.
She places her hand against my cheek. Her furrowed brows add to the shitty feeling brewing in my chest. “What’s wrong?”
The fact that I drank despite knowing how much you hate it.
I lean away from her touch. “Just tired.”
“That’s a shame then because I had plans for us tonight.” A teasing smile tugs at her lips.
“I’m sure I’ll get a second wind.”
She rises on the tips of her toes and kisses my cheek. “I hope so. After our last time, I owe you.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
“I’d expect no less from you.” She flashes me a flirty smile that has my cock rising into action. “But you have to leave before Cami wakes up. If she catches us together, she will go into wedding-planning mode.”
I laugh. “Deal.”
Something in Lana shifts at the sound. Her nose twitches and her mouth pulls down into a frown. “Are you…” She steals my sunglasses off my face. “Really? At a kid’s party?”
My stomach drops. “I can explain.”
“Why bother?” She throws my sunglasses at me before she turns around. Her hips sway as she walks away, tempting me to grab her so she can hear me out.
And say what? You drank because you couldn’t handle a six-year-old’s birthday party?
Right. Because that doesn’t sound pathetic at all.
You’re no better than her sister, making her upset with your selfish choices and lack of control.
The thought of relating to someone like Antonella only feeds on my fears, allowing them to grow until I have no choice but to escape.
Did you really expect anything less from someone who is so damn good at fucking up?
Nope. Not at all.
My anxiety and self-loathing fester and grow with each passing hour of Cami’s birthday party. For the most part, I keep to myself, mainly because Wyatt, Delilah, and Violet made it obvious from the start that they don’t want anything to do with me. I know what my old friends think of me. It’s obvious in the way they stare.
I’m the drunk. The washed-up athlete. The man who broke their best friend’s heart.
I collected more bad titles than I ever did championships.
Even Lana has done her best to avoid me since she found out about my drinking. She and the other parents keep to the covered seating area that was added to the dock when I had it redone. The boat slip beside it is empty, although the extra room gives the kids a place to practice their jumps into the water.
No one comes to talk to me, minus Cami, who makes an effort to check on me at least once before running back to her friends.
The icy glares and whispers taunt my demons out of hiding, and I’m driven to fill my half-empty cup of soda to the top with vodka.
If Lana is going to be mad at me, I might as well not suffer through the buildup. Slowly, after two trips inside the guesthouse, my muscles loosen and the thick knot in my throat disappears. The warmth spreading through my veins replaces the cold chill, justifying my reason to drink in the first place.
Peace.
I’m not sure how long I sit by myself, swaying to the country music pouring out of Lana’s portable speaker, but at some point Wyatt sneaks up on me.
“Here.” Wyatt drops a cheeseburger in front of me before taking a seat. “Eat it and sober up.”
I’m barely buzzed, yet he speaks to me like I’m a sloppy mess.
“I’m fine.” I shove the plate away.
He grabs my cup and sniffs. “Still masking your issues with vodka?”
I steal it back and drain the rest of the drink in spite. “What are you doing here with me?”
“I want to talk.”
“What about?”
“You can’t keep doing this to Alana. It’s not fair.”
My nails bite into my skin. “I’m not doing anything.”
“You’re leading her on and making her believe you two have a chance.”
“Because we do,” I seethe.
He gives me a bored once-over, being sure to drive home how utterly unimpressed he is of me. “Not if you keep this up, you won’t. This is why I knew it was a bad idea for you to come back. You aren’t ready.”
I’m not ready? Ready for what exactly?
I keep my face calm and collected despite the rage building within. “What do you want?”
“To help you for some goddamn reason.”
I laugh. “What do you know about helping someone like me? You’ve got the perfect life. Happy wife, good job, bright future.”
His grip on the picnic table tightens. “Why do you think that is?”
“Because you got lucky?”
“No. Because I put in the work.”
My lips press together.
He continues. “If you want to ever get Alana back, then you need to pull yourself together. For real this time. Starting with this.” He grabs my cup and tosses it in the trash bin nearby.
My eyes narrow. “Why are you helping me?”
“Because I want what’s best for Alana and Cami, even if it’s you.” He scowls.
“So you think she could do better.”
“In the end, it doesn’t matter what I think because she loves you, so maybe it’s you who should do better by her.”
My heart stalls in my chest. “She loves me?”
His eyes swing over to the dock, where Lana helps a child with their floatie. “I’m not sure she ever stopped.”
I shake my head. “She dated someone else.”
“And? I’m sure you did too.”
“Dated? Hell no.”
“So, you fucked around then.”
My teeth grind together. The period of my life when I was still getting high on Oxy was possibly the lowest I’ve ever stooped. Just thinking about the risks I took and the people I used to get high with makes me sick to my stomach.
On cue like always, the acid in my belly churns.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I haven’t been with anyone in over two years.”
“Two years? That’s…” His voice drops off.
The same time I saw Lana with Victor.
If Lana felt even a fraction of what I experienced when I found her kissing someone else, I can’t imagine the kind of pain she went through reading some of the headlines posted about me.
The person I was when high isn’t the man I am now. Yet no matter how many times I repeat the same words, I can’t erase the disgust I feel toward myself when I think back on my past.
Shame makes my throat close up.
His low whistle grates against my nerves. “Damn.” He actually laughs. “That’s rough.”
His comment drags me away from the dark thoughts. “Shut up, Eugene.”
He flashes me a blinding smile. “Delilah is never going to let that one go.”
“Glad my sex life is an amusing topic for all of you.” I take a bite out of my burger to stop myself from saying anything else.
He rubs the back of his neck. “Delilah warned me against doing this but…” His voice drifts off.
“What?”
He takes a deep breath. “If you need a sponsor, I’m willing to be yours.”
My mouth drops open. “You?”
He nods. “We have an AA group that meets at the chapel every night.”
“Since when?” Wyatt was always squeaky clean and willing to do everything to remain in the town’s good graces. Violet used to call it the quarterback complex. The biggest scandal of Wyatt’s life was his parents getting an amicable divorce where they both stayed friends.
“A little less than a year after you left, I transferred to a Detroit precinct to be closer to my dad after his heart attack, but the things I saw while working there… God. They would haunt me even in my dreams.” He looks over at Delilah, who waves at him with her cane. She shoots me a glare while slicing a line across her throat with the handle of the cane.
Glad to know my presence draws such a passion from her.
Wyatt steals my attention back. “The transition from small-town life to the big city was hard. I struggled for a long time with PTSD and alcoholism before I finally got help.”
“Shit. I had no idea, man. I’m sorry.” I reach over and clap him on the shoulder.
He offers me a weak smile. “You’re not the only one who struggled, you know?”
My head hangs. “I see.”
Lana. Wyatt. Señora Castillo. The list goes on and on, making my chest ache.
He rises from the picnic table. “Just think about it. My offer will always stand, even if you decide to move back to Chicago once the house is sold.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I owe it to the man who used to be my best friend.” He takes a few steps away, but I call his name.
He glances over his shoulder. “What?”
“Does this mean we’re friends now?”
He scoffs. “Absolutely not.”
The small smile on his face makes me believe it might become a possibility one day, though.
“Come on!” Cami grabs my hand and tugs, ineffectively getting me to rise from the picnic table I’ve spent the last two hours wallowing at.
“What’s up?” I look around at the empty lawn.
“We’re going to cut the cake!” She yanks harder this time. “You almost missed it.”
“Do that later!” She digs her feet into the ground and pulls.
“All right. Let’s go.” The last thing I want to do is be stuck inside the guesthouse with a bunch of people who don’t like me, but if it makes Cami happy, I’m willing to be an adult and suck it up.
After all, who am I to deny the birthday girl?
I rise from the bench, my movements much more fluid after spending the last two hours without touching another drink.
Cami doesn’t release my hand as she drags me into the guesthouse and places me behind the cake table. Lana stands beside me, her body as stiff as her smile. Everyone else remains on the other side with their phones in the air. A range of emotions is written across the parents’ faces. Surprise. Annoyance. Curiosity.
Delilah and Wyatt share a knowing look while Violet pretends I don’t even exist, which is possibly even worse.
I move to take a step around the table, but Lana latches on to my hand.
“Cami wants you here.” Her face remains calm, cool, and collected, although her eyes burn with enough anger to make me frown.
Cami looks up at us two with a big smile. “Ready?”
I nod, my throat feeling impossibly tight.
The crowd begins singing the happy birthday song while Cami sways on her feet. Once the singing stops, Cami blows out her candles. Everyone cheers and claps for her.
While Lana is busy cutting the cake, Cami beckons me closer.
I kneel down. “What’s up?”
She rises on the tips of her toes and whispers in my ear, “I wished you can be my new daddy.”
I wished you can be my new daddy.
God. Somehow eight words make my knees as weak as my heart.
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze. “There is nothing I’d like more than that.”
And I mean every single word.
