If it weren’t for me needing to return to Chicago for my cat, Merlin, and a few more pieces of clothing, I wouldn’t have bothered attending the Kane Company board meeting. My presence isn’t required unless there is a vote since I don’t have an active position within the company.
The only reason I’ve bothered sitting through the boring meetings in the first place is to fuck with my father. He has always hated me being on the board ever since my grandfather appointed me six years ago after I tore my ACL, so I’ve made it a point to sit through each miserable meeting solely to spite him.
To think people accuse me of not having a life’s purpose.
Every time I step into the Kane Company’s corporate office for a meeting, I’m hit with the same urge to run straight out the front door. It’s like my senses go haywire due to environmental overstimulation. Despite all the years dealing with sensory processing issues, I still struggle with not hyper-fixating on how my tie feels too tight and my suit too scratchy.
This right here is why I’m not cut out for corporate life. My brothers are the complete opposite, oozing confidence as they speak up throughout the board meeting. Both of them look like corporate clones with their dark, slicked-back hair, pristine pinstripe suits, and perfectly groomed stubble. It’s obvious they have always been suited for company politics and dreadful desk jobs while I attempt to beat the all-time high score on Candy Crush underneath the table.
The Head of Acquisitions and Sales for a division of our streaming service, DreamStream, rises from his chair and stands at the front of the room. He fumbles through his first few slides, which catches my attention. I might not be business savvy like my brothers, but I’m a people person who notices everything. There is a slight sheen to his skin that only seems to get worse the longer my father stares at him with piercing dark eyes and a constant scowl.
The presenter uses his laser pointer to highlight a graph. “Monthly subscriptions for our DreamStream platform have decreased by twelve percent over the last quarter.”
“Twelve percent? On top of the previous quarter’s six percent loss?” I speak out for possibly the first time this year.
Every single person sitting in the conference room looks over at me, including my brothers. Declan’s dark brows raise while Rowan’s brown eyes go wide. My father faces forward with a clenched jaw, a permanent expression he has worn ever since I took my first breath.
The older man at the front of the room giving the presentation fiddles with his clicker before progressing to the next slide. “Right. Carrying on… Our research shows that families are cutting back on monthly subscription services due to increased competition and oversaturation of the market. Based on our polls, we were voted the second most likely subscription service to be cut from families’ budgets.”
“Did you ask them why that was?” I press.
“Well…yes. It comes down to two main things: affordability and content.”
“But if it was truly an issue of affordability, then other streaming services would be struggling just as much.”
Rowan turns toward me, pinning me with his dark gaze. “What’s gotten into you?”
I give him a nonchalant shrug. “My interest is piqued.”
“Then we better take advantage before you lose it again.” His brown eyes light up.
I know my brother means well, but all he does is discourage me from continuing my line of questions. The last thing I want is to give people a reason to want more from me. Being the family reject is an easy gig, and Rowan’s comment reminds me of that.
No expectations. No disappointments.
My life motto.
After the board meeting, Declan waves me down to talk but someone distracts him, giving me time to escape. I’m not in the mood to deal with him after our fight last week. My walk to the elevators is a quick one, with no one bothering to stop me to chat.
The doors begin to shut, but a hand shoots out, causing them to reopen. They part to reveal the one person I wouldn’t want to share a single second with, let alone the minute trip it takes to get to the lobby.
You knew there was a risk of this happening.
My father’s usual scowl only deepens as he takes a look at me with his dark, beady eyes. “Leaving already?”
“Now that I crossed off annoying you from today’s to-do list, I’m all done.” I readjust my suit for the umpteenth time.
“Do you have any intention of doing something useful with your life?”
“I’m not sure. I considered learning to juggle, but then I saw a video about ukuleles, so I started getting into that during my spare time.”
He scoffs. “Your entire life is considered spare time. You have no job, no purpose, no anything but a loaded trust fund that shouldn’t even be yours.”
“I see you’re still bitter about Mom setting up that trust fund for me without your knowledge, but you should really let it go. My therapist says it isn’t good to keep all that inside.”
“The only bitterness I have toward your mother is her soft spot for you.”
I give his shoulder a squeeze, matching the way my chest feels from his words. “Aw, Pops. Don’t hold it against her. She believed in you too after all, and we know what a monster you turned out to be.”
His nostrils flare. “You’re such a disappointment.”
“At least I’m doing one thing right.”
“You think this is funny? That being the family joke is an accomplishment? Wake up. You’re a pathetic waste of space who shouldn’t even be allowed in this building given how you’re a stain to our last name.”
My chest throbs, but I hide my pain with a smile. “This might be the most you’ve talked to me in an entire year.”
My father makes a noise in the back of his throat. Disdain rolls off him in waves, but I ignore it. I learned long ago that getting angry and showing his words matter means he wins.
I can’t wait to earn my shares and ruin my father’s chance at ever controlling the company again. Whatever letter and inheritance my grandfather left him will never add up to the percentage of shares my brothers and I will have combined. Even if he inherits the 6 percent of shares that are still unaccounted for, he will never have enough power to overturn us again.
Tension builds between us, with neither of us saying a single word. He stares at me like I’m the bane of his existence, and I do everything to keep my smile in place.
Kill them with kindness, Mom used to say.
I hope my father chokes on it.
The elevator dings, and the doors open to the busy tenth floor. A group of people shuffle into the elevator, ending our toxic exchange. My father moves to one corner while I situate myself near the doors for my great escape.
Although I let a majority of my father’s comments bounce off of me, sometimes I struggle. I’m only human after all. My father has always been good with picking at my weaknesses. It isn’t hard for him, especially once I got injured playing hockey and lost the one thing that made me feel special.
He poked and prodded until I spiraled, turning myself into a copy of the person I resent most.
Him.
“I’m going to miss you, little guy.” Iris tucks Merlin against her chest. It only took my cat two years to warm up to her, and now they’re the best of friends. His black fur contrasts against her brown skin, bringing out the deep shades in both.
“He’ll be back in a few months.” I zip up my luggage before placing it upright on the floor.
Her smile drops. “Months? I don’t think I can make it that long without you here.”
“And they call me overly dependent…”
She smacks me in the arm. “Shut up. What if Declan and I come to visit you? I’ve always wanted to see the lake after all your stories, and you’re the one who said the summers were always the best.”
“Uhh…”
“Try to look a little less horrified, will ya?” She pinches the skin between my ribs.
“Let me get settled first and then we can talk about you visiting. Okay?”
“Fine.” She lets Merlin go before dropping on to my couch. “What was it like being back?”
“I’m still processing all of it.”
The gold beads at the ends of her braids clink together as she tilts her head. “That bad?”
“I knew Lana was angry at me…”
“But you ran before you had to deal with it.”
I tip my chin. “Exactly.”
“Well, you have to face your past eventually.”
“It feels like I’m being slapped across the face with it repeatedly.”
She laughs. “Maybe all of this will be good for you. It could help you get some closure.”
I fall on to the leather chair across from her. “Who says I need closure?”
“The fact that you haven’t been in a romantic relationship for six years.”
A rare frown crosses my face. “I haven’t been interested.” The lie slips out easily, perfected after mastering the art of pretending not to give a fuck.
Of course, I am interested, but that doesn’t make it possible. At least not when I’m still a screwed-up mess.
Iris stares at me with narrowed eyes. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yes.”
“Could have fooled me with the way you asked me out on a date.”
I launch a pillow directly at her face. “That was a joke.”
“Says the man who kissed me.”
“And then proceeded to throw up afterward.”
She shivers. “Don’t remind me.”
I’m not sure whose drunken idea it was, but our kiss was a mistake the moment it happened. Our lack of romantic chemistry was a dead giveaway that Iris and I would never be more than friends.
She shakes her head. “Putting me aside, you’ll never be able to move on to someone new if you’re still holding on to the memory of someone else.”
My stomach churns. “I’m not holding on to the memory of someone else.”
“Really? Then give me your wallet.” She holds out her hand.
“No.”
She crosses her arms against her pink T-shirt. “Exactly like I thought.”
My eyes narrow. “Holding on to a photo isn’t a crime.”
“It’s not the photo but what it symbolizes that matters.”
“And what’s that?”
“That a part of you will always love a part of her, no matter how hard you try to deny it.”
“It’s impossible not to love her.”
Iris leans forward. “So you admit that you love her.”
“I never denied it in the first place. Those kinds of feelings don’t just go away, as much as I wish they did.”
“I don’t have a good feeling about this.” She rubs her temple.
“No need to worry. I know that there is no chance in hell that we are ever getting back together.”
I made sure of that the moment I walked away from her, turning her fear of abandonment into a reality.
And I’ve never forgiven myself.
It’s not until Iris leaves for the night that I pull out my wallet and search for the picture she spoke about. The edges of the small photo are worn from years of wear-and-tear and countless wallet transfers.
It’s been over a decade since the photo was taken, but I remember the day like it was yesterday. Lana’s mom took it of us the summer after I came back from rehab. Both of us are on the dock, drinking cholados Colombianos to celebrate my twenty-first birthday. Lana stares into the camera lens, eyes bright and face beaming, while my focus is solely on her.
It’s obvious I loved her, even back then, although I never acted on my feelings. I was happy to stay friends while we were both figuring out our lives. Lana had just turned eighteen, and I was fresh out of rehab and still struggling with the stressors of my life. And then I got drafted into the National Hockey League when Lana wasn’t even twenty yet. Neither one of us were ready for the sacrifices we needed to make to be together, so instead, we kept things platonic. It nearly killed me inside, but I knew she was worth the wait.
At least until you fucked things up for good.
I flip the picture over and trace the words she wrote on the back.
Get drunk on life, not alcohol.
Love,
Lana
She gave it to me as a parting gift that summer, and I have kept it ever since.
At first, it was the push I needed to stay sober. Any time I was tempted to drink, I’d pull out her message and stare at it until the demons left me alone. It helped me stay on track for a few years despite all the temptations surrounding me. But then I tore my ACL and lost my hockey career, making it easy to slip back into destructive habits.
Truth is, I lost more than my job that year. I lost myself. My life became a series of bad decisions as I tried to fix the gaping hole in my chest.
It took Grandpa’s accident to get me on the straight and narrow. But by the time I got on the right path, it was too late. The girl who promised me forever had her arms wrapped around someone else, and I…
I was too late.
