“Do you think Mum was in pain when she died?” Lena asks me the following evening whilst we’re lying in bed.
My chest tightens at her question, my stomach flipping over. Right now, I have a choice, I can lie and protect her from the evil in the world or tell her the truth and hope to God she forgives me for my part in Mum’s death.
“Pen?”
Turning sideways, I reach for her, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. There’s so much left unsaid. Not just between me and Lena, but me and the guys. We still need to talk through what happened yesterday, but right now Lena needs to hear the truth no matter how hard it will be to comprehend. “Lena, there’s something you should know…”
“What is it?” she whispers, stiffening beside me as her eyes rake over my face. She knows me well enough to know that what I’m about to say isn’t going to be good.
“Mum didn’t overdose.”
For a moment she just stares at me blankly, allowing my words to sink in. Then she sits up abruptly. I rise with her. “Was it cancer…?” she asks accusingly, her voice wobbling around the words. It’s every worst nightmare, isn’t it? Cancer, the secret killer, the taker of life, the ruiner of families. Except this time, David’s the cancer. I want to cut him out of our lives for good. I want to rid us of him by any means possible.
“No, Lena.” I shake my head, but she doesn’t seem to hear me. Her thoughts jumping to conclusions and her words running away with them.
“Is that where she was going twice a week? Was she sneaking off to get radiotherapy or chemo or something? Why didn’t you tell me, Pen? I could’ve said goodbye!”
Reaching for her hand, I hold it, squeezing tightly. “It wasn’t cancer. She was seeing a therapist.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, her face a mask of confusion. “Then what was it? A heart attack? A stroke? What?” She gulps, her eyes brimming with tears.
“The world is full of evil people…” I begin, hating the look in her eyes.
“What are you getting at?” she whispers out.
I take a deep, steadying breath and squeeze her hand tighter. “Mum didn’t die of natural causes, Lena. She was murdered.” Shock pales her skin, the colour draining as the seconds tick by. “If I could protect you from this, I would, but I can’t, Lena. The truth would’ve come out sooner or later. It’s better that you hear it from me. I’m so sorry.”
“Who?” she whispers eventually. The tremble in her voice makes me want to take back my words, stuff them deep inside and never, ever, let them out again. I squeeze her fingers tighter, trying to anchor her so she’s strong enough to hear the truth.
“It was David.”
She shakes her head. “No…” The tears that were wobbling on her eyelashes fall, and with them so does my heart. It drops into my stomach, a flailing, bleeding mess.
“Yes. David killed Mum. He did it to leave me a message, Lena.”
“No…” She shakes her head, disbelief in her gaze.
“You have to know the truth no matter how painful,” I plow on, needing to get it all out before I lose my nerve. I can’t take the truth back now. All I can do is leave it between us like a rotting piece of flesh, filled with maggots, the stench overwhelming.
“I’m so sorry.”
“No!” Lena shakes her head, anger blazing in her eyes. “NO!” she shouts, ripping her hand out of my hold and scrambling off the bed. She stands in the middle of the room, shaking with shock. Her teeth chatter, her hands tremble as she glares at me as though I’d wrapped my fingers around Mum’s throat and squeezed the life from her myself.
“What did you do?” she asks, her question framed as an accusation that pierces my heart, that guts me. “Pen, what did you do?”
My mouth dries, my tongue heavy with guilt, but I force myself off the bed and face her. “I finally stood up to him. This was his response.”
“You did this!” she screams, spittle flying from her mouth, tears pouring down her cheeks. I flinch, her words a stinging slap across my face.
“No,” I counter, hating that she’s right, because I did do this. I provoked the monster.
Behind her the bedroom door slams open. York and Dax enter first, followed by Gray who hovers in the doorway, looking between us both. Behind him I see Zayn and Xeno, standing in the hallway. Xeno moves forward, but Zayn holds him back, I snatch my head away, concentrating on Lena.
“What’s going on?” York asks. Neither of us answer him.
“Lena, please… You don’t understand,” I say, choking back my guilt, hating the way she’s looking at me now. I step forward, holding my arms out, wanting nothing more than to pull her against my chest. I want to comfort her, to tell her she’s safe, that we’ll protect her, that I never meant for this to happen. “He’s the cancer, Lena. He’s evil. David killed our mum. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“Fuck,” York mutters.
She swipes at her face, then points a shaking finger at me. “You had to do it, didn’t you?”
“Had to do what?”
“You couldn’t just leave them in the past,” she accuses, glaring at the guys over her shoulder before turning her wrath back on me. “All those times you snuck off in the middle of the night to go be with them. To fuck them.”
“It wasn’t like that…”
“Bullshit.” She laughs, and the sound is so like my mum’s laughter that a shiver runs down my spine. I wrap my arms around myself, gritting my jaw as I take all her bitter, hateful words. “It’s all your fault. You knew how he was about you, but you had to keep pushing it.”
“They were my friends. He is my brother,” I remind her, hating the fact that she understands more about David’s twisted feelings towards me than I’d thought.
“But you’re not just friends with them now, are you? Did he kill Mum because he was so fucked off that she could never stop you from being with them? Not back then and not now!”
“Don’t do this, Lena. You don’t know what you’re saying. David is sick. I was just trying to live a life free of his abuse. I needed love too. I need love too.”
“You need to be fucked, you mean!”
“That’s enough!” Dax snaps, stepping towards Lena. He grasps her arm, but she snatches it away, bitter tears running down her cheeks.
York opens his mouth to speak but I shake my head at him. “Don’t. She needs to get it out. I’m okay,” I whisper, swallowing down the lump in my throat. This isn’t Lena talking. This is grief and confusion. It’s easier to blame someone who’ll love you unconditionally than a man she’s not strong enough to fight against.
“Did you know he used to beat on her too, Pen? He’d hurt her. All those times you snuck out to be with them, he would turn his anger on Mum. She took your beatings when you were out fucking around with them! Mum would lock me in my room, and I would lie in bed listening to him smack her about. I would hear her begging him to stop, and I couldn’t do anything. I was too young, and you weren’t there!”
I clutch at my stomach, winded by her words. “Lena, I didn’t know… Why did you never say anything? I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t you dare!” she cries, stepping away from me as I try to reach for her.
“Lena. I didn’t know,” I repeat, but she shakes her head fiercely.
“No, you’re not sorry. You made this happen. You willed it to happen. You never loved Mum. You always hated her!” she accuses, and I can’t even deny it because every word is true.
“I never meant for this to happen…”
“Yes you did! You think I didn’t hear all the times you wished her dead when you thought I was sleeping. How you begged for God to take her, so you didn’t have to live with her anymore. I. Heard. You!”
I stumble backwards, my legs hitting the bed. “Oh God, Lena. You were never meant… I didn’t mean for you to hear that…”
“You. Made. This. Happen!” she screams, coming for me like a wild cat.
“Fuck this!” Dax snaps, stepping between us. She pulls up sharp, looking up at him with rage in her eyes.
“Get out of my way!”
“The fuck I will! You calm your arse down.”
“She did this!”
Dax shakes his head. I can’t see his face, but I recognise the fury in his voice all too well. “Now you listen to me very carefully, Lena. I don’t give a fuck how much you’re hurting or what you need to tell yourself to make you feel better. Pen is not at fault here. Your fucked up brother is. He killed your mum. He put his hands around her motherfucking throat and strangled her until she couldn’t breathe anymore. Not Pen.”
“Dax, don’t…” I beg, reaching forward and pressing my fingers against his back. Lena’s bottom lip begins to quiver, her face crumpling. Seeing her like this, so full of hate and loathing, pain and anguish, it’s almost too much to bear. I know this isn’t what she really thinks, I know that, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
“No, Kid. She doesn’t get to shit on you like this, not after everything you’ve done to protect her over the years,” he says to me, before turning back to face her.
“I’m—”
“Did you know that the first night I met Pen she was black and blue from the beating David gave her,” Dax says, cutting her off. “She was a year younger than you, Lena, and that beating she took, it was for you. She stepped in to protect you. It took her over a week to recover physically, and even then she still bore the marks of his violence. She still fucking does. But you’ve never seen that because Pen has kept it all hidden on the inside. She protected you from it. She’s still protecting you.”
“Dax, she doesn’t need to hear this,” I whisper.
“Bullshit. This is exactly what she needs to hear,” he retorts.
“I—I’m…” Lena looks at me, the hardness in her eyes softening to guilt and even more pain. There’s so much fucking hurt, all because of David, but Dax doesn’t let up.
“That night and all the occasions before it, Pen took David’s beatings whilst your mum chose to save you and not her. You had your mum’s protection, Lena. Who did Pen have, huh? Tell me that. Who the fuck did she have?”
“I’m sorry!” She’s sobbing now, her hands covering her mouth as she shakes her head, but he refuses to stop.
“I’ll tell you who she had. Fucking no one, not until that night when she came into our lives. So don’t you dare make her feel guilty about wanting affection, friendship. As far as I’m concerned, your mum was as bad as David. She may not have hit Pen, but she hurt her all the same by doing nothing, by treating her like a piece of shit, by never being the mother she needed.”
Lena looks at me, her head shaking. Tears falling down her cheeks, snot bubbling out of her nose. “I’m sorry,” she croaks, stumbling towards me.
Dax grips her arms, and she drops her head between her shoulders, sobbing quietly, all her fight gone as quickly as it came. I watch as he tips her chin up gently so she looks at him. “Lena, Pen loves you,” he says, softer now. “She has loved you both like a mother and a sister since before she ever became friends with us. She has kept you out of harm’s way your whole life. Don’t take out your pain on her, she doesn’t deserve it.”
“I know. I’m s—sorry.”
Dax nods tightly, then lets her pass. She stares at me, uncertain for a moment. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said.”
Reaching for her, I fold her into my arms. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t. I know that, Lena.”
She buries her head in my shoulder and sobs, and all I can do is hold her. Forgive her. Love her.
“Titch?” York steps closer.
“I’ve got this,” I reply, shaking my head. “Just give us a moment, okay? I need to talk to Lena alone.”
He nods. “Let’s go, Dax,” York says, guiding him out of the room and past Xeno and Zayn, both of whom are watching me with guarded expressions. Xeno steps forward again, but I shake my head.
“Please, don’t. Not right now.”
He nods, and motions for Zayn to follow him, leaving Gray standing in the doorway.
“Is there anything I can do?” he asks after a beat.
“No, there isn’t.”
“I was planning on getting an early night, but I’ll be in my room if either of you need me,” he says, and with one last flick of his eyes towards Lena, he’s gone.
As soon as the door clicks shut, I guide Lena back to bed. She climbs under the covers, allowing me to tuck her in. I give her a sad smile, using the sleeve of my top to wipe away her tears. “If I’d known what he would do, I would’ve protected Mum, just like I protected you.”
“He would’ve killed you, Pen. Dax was right. You were just a kid yourself. Fuck. I can’t believe I said all that shit to you. I’m a horrible, horrible person.” Another sob breaks free, and she chokes it back, stuffing her fist into her mouth.
“Lena, you’re hurting. You’re angry. You have every right to be, but you were right, I did hate Mum. I hated her because she didn’t love me, because she let David hurt me. She wasn’t a mother to me. That hurt. It still hurts. But here’s the thing, I’m so, so glad she was a mother to you.”
“Oh, Pen,” she wails, gripping hold of the edge of the duvet.
“Hush, it’s okay, I know. I know. I love you so much, and that’s why I asked Grim and Beast to protect you. David threatened your life, Lena. He said he would hurt you if I didn’t do what he wanted.”
“Hurt me?” she whispers. I nod. “What did he want you to do?”
“He found out that the Breakers were at the Academy. He wanted to know why.”
“To dance… Right?” I shake my head and her voice trails off. She’s so young, naive in a lot of ways, but she’s not stupid.
“They’ve been away for three years, Lena, doing bad things for bad people. We didn’t part well. When they joined the Academy at the beginning of term, we weren’t friends. Far from it. Our path back to where we are now, it hasn’t been easy. There’s still so much to work through.”
“They love you though, and you love them. Everyone can see that…”
“They do, and that as much as anything else is why David’s doing what he’s doing.”
“I’m scared,” she admits, burrowing beneath the duvet.
“I didn’t want to tell you. I wanted to protect you from the truth, but I knew, eventually, you’d ask questions and the longer I left the truth buried the harder it would be for you to process. There’s so much more to what’s going on. I just can’t fully explain it all right now. You have to believe me, Lena, despite my feelings towards Mum, if I’d had any idea about David’s plans I would’ve made sure that one of Grim’s men was watching over her too.”
“Grim? Who’s Grim?”
“She’s my boss, my friend. She owns a nightclub called Tales. That’s where I dance on the weekends. Gray works for Grim, it’s why he’s here, to help keep you safe. I asked her for help, and she gave it to me.”
“But why does David want to kill me?” she croaks, fear fluttering across her tear-stained face.
“Because he knows how much I love you. Because he will hurt everyone I love just to make me suffer. Because he’s fucked up, Lena. It’s why Gray’s here, why you’re not going back to school for a while. We need to keep you safe.”
“Oh, God, I think I’m going to be sick.”
Flinging back the covers, Lena runs into the en-suite bathroom. By the time I reach her she’s emptying the contents of her stomach down the toilet. All I can do is rub her back as she heaves and heaves, her last meal splattering the porcelain bowl. When she’s finished I pass her a damp washcloth and a glass of water, then help her back to bed. Climbing beneath the covers, I pull her against my chest, stroking her hair as she shivers against me, her teeth clacking.
“I will never, ever, let him hurt you. Between us all, we’ll keep you safe… I swear it.”
Lena nods, her arms tightening around my waist, her tears falling silently as I hold her. My promise is all I can give her in the moment, but deep down I know it’s not enough. David will find a way to get to her, but only if I don’t get to him first.
