By the time Lena falls asleep, it’s almost midnight, but I’m too wired to sleep. Instead, I head towards the living area and the low rumble of voices coming from beyond the closed door.
Pushing it open, I step into the room and am relieved to find that it’s just the four of them. I might’ve gotten used to having Gray around, but that doesn’t mean to say I want him around. Though to be fair to the guy, he’s pretty good at knowing when to disappear so that we can have some privacy and Lena seems comfortable around him, so that’s a plus in my book.
Xeno sits forward in his seat, his slim black tie dangling between his parted legs as he looks at something on his phone. He’s still wearing his suit from the funeral but has removed his jacket. In fact, they’re all still wearing their suits, minus the jackets, except for York, who changed the minute we arrived home earlier. He’s in a pair of joggers and tight muscle shirt that shows off his defined abs and pecs.
“Titch, everything okay?” he asks, catching me staring.
“I can’t sleep.”
“It’s the stress,” he replies, getting up and leaping over the back of the sofa in one effortless move that probably would’ve made my heart flutter if I didn’t feel so on edge. Picking up on my low mood, he frowns, offering me his hand. “It’s been a long day. You’ve barely eaten. Let me make you something to eat, yeah?”
“No, thank you. I’m not hungry.”
“A drink then?” He guides me to the sofa, and I perch on the edge of the cushion, hating how tense and wound up I feel.
“Water is fine.”
“Coming right up,” he says, casting a look at Zayn who shifts closer and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“So, did you find out anything?” I ask, some of the tension leaving me as I relax into Zayn’s hold, my hand resting on his thigh.
“We spoke with the manager of the florist. She was the one who delivered the flowers today. It was a last minute rush order yesterday afternoon, apparently,” Dax explains, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt. My gaze falls to his tattooed arms and fingers, a sudden flush of heat reminding me that despite this fucked up day, I’m still capable of feeling something other than the urge to bludgeon David to death for what he’s done.
“Did you get any details?”
Dax pulls a face. “The poor woman was fucking terrified of us. She looked like she was about to have a heart attack when I asked for the details of the booking.”
“I’m not surprised, have you seen the way you look?” York jokes.
Dax rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I managed to convince her to give me all the information she had.”
“Which was…?” I prompt.
“A landline number,” Dax says, but he doesn’t look too pleased about it.
“That’s good though right? Can’t that be traced to an address?”
“It can. It has. But it’s another dead end,” Xeno explains.
My heart sinks. “How come?”
“It’s a phone booth located in Hammersmith. I’m sorry, Pen.”
“Fuck!” I exclaim, the growing anxiety making me feel sick.
“It’s not a complete loss. Interpol has added the area to their search. They’ve got an approximate time of the phone call when they pull up CCTV footage of the area,” Dax continues.
“What about the night David murdered mum…?”
“Working on it,” Zayn pitches in.
“They still haven’t found anything yet?” I rub my fingers over my forehead, feeling a headache coming on.
“Apparently there’s a lot of CCTV footage to go through. It’s going to take a bit of time,” Xeno explains, pressing his lips into a hard line, as frustrated as I am by the wait.
I nod, feeling dejected. “So what now?”
Zayn puffs out his cheeks, letting out a slow breath. “Now we wait.”
“I hate this,” I say, standing suddenly, feeling the need to move, to do something to stop this ball of anxiety from growing inside. “I hate feeling like this.”
York places the glass of water on the coffee table with a slice of cake that I hadn’t asked for. “Why don’t you sit down? We can watch a movie or something. It might take your mind off things?”
“I don’t want to sit. I don’t want to watch a movie…” I exclaim, my fingers stretching out then balling into fists. “I want to…”
“Want to, what?” Zayn prompts gently, urging me to open up.
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel right,” I say, trying to explain this twisted up feeling inside. “Everything’s wrong. I feel on edge.”
“I know what will help,” Xeno says, glancing between the guys, a silent conversation going on between them all.
“I’ll let Grey know where we are should he need us,” Dax says. Understanding what that one look means.
“Where are we going?”
Zayn gives me a warm smile, even if it is blighted by his concern for me. “Don’t worry, not far.”
“I’ll be right behind you.” Dax says, briefly squeezing my arm as he passes by. I jolt at his touch, my nerves firing at his proximity and the weird tension filling the air.
“Follow me,” Xeno says, eying both Zayn and York before striding over to a door on the far left of the kitchen. I’d always assumed it was some kind of storage cupboard. Obviously assuming wrong when Xeno pushes the door open and steps inside the darkened space beyond, Zayn following behind. They disappear, swallowed up right before my eyes.
“This flat isn’t the only part of the building we own,” York explains as we follow them.
I hesitate, peering into the darkness. “Are we going to pass through a load of smelly old fur coats and into a magical world with animals that can talk and a witch who wants to kill me?” I ask, trying to temper the anxiety in my chest as I blindly step inside. “Because, honestly, I could do without the shock.”
Behind me, York laughs. “No, Titch. This ain’t Narnia. Let me turn on the light.” He reaches around me, his chest brushing gently against my back as he turns on the light switch.
“Stairs to heaven then?” I ask, as my eyes adjust to the light and I take in the staircase leading upwards to a small landing above.
“Depends on what your idea of heaven is, I guess?”
“That sounds ominous.”
York chuckles. “I’m just kidding. Come on.”
We climb the stairs, and I come to a standstill when I open the door at the top. “What the hell?” I screech, speechless for a moment as I take in the large, secluded balcony that’s covered with glass on all sides, including the ceiling, and opens out into a large room that’s set back into the building. It’s almost the same size as their living room downstairs. “How did I not know about this?”
“Too much going on, I guess,” York shrugs, guiding me into the room, his hand gently resting on my lower back. I shiver involuntarily from his touch, and he eyes me carefully. I read the hesitation on his face, but he doesn’t remove his hand. “We come up here when we want to get away from shit. The view’s pretty fucking spectacular. Especially at night.”
Sliding his hand around my waist, he hugs me to his side, drawing me fully into the room. Ambient music is playing gently, and the space is lit up with soft lighting. In one corner of the room, set back off from the balcony, sits a sunken hot tub. On the other is a large exercise mat that you might find in a gym, a row of dumb bells lined up against a mirrored wall, and a running machine.
“Do you like it?” Zayn asks, sitting on a l-shaped sofa that’s positioned within the glassed-in balcony. Behind him, Xeno is reaching into a mini fridge, and pulls out five bottles of beer.
“It’s beautiful…”
My voice trails off as York steps in front of me, enclosing me in his arms. “Is this okay?” he asks softly, wanting my reassurance as he holds me against him, searching my face. He knows I’m feeling raw, sensitive to everything, including his affection, and he’s cautious with me.
I nod. “Yes.”
“You don’t seem certain?” he pushes, concern furrowing his brow. “Titch?”
“I’m certain that I love you all. I’m certain that I’m afraid, that I’m angry, that I wish this was all over. I’m certain that I want to kill David, that I want to see the life drain from his eyes. I’m certain that I need to be stronger. I’m certain that I need to be able to dance for you all…” I take in a shuddering breath, my stupid eyes brimming with tears that I blink back furiously. “I’m certain that I want to dance for me but I’m not sure if I can.”
“And what aren’t you certain of?” Zayn asks, watching us both closely.
“I’m not certain we’ll survive this. I’m not certain that you won’t get hurt. I’m not certain that Lena won’t be damaged beyond repair because of my brother. I’m not certain that when it comes down to it, that I’ll be able to kill David…” I hush out, that truth, painful.
“You don’t have—” Xeno reminds me, but I shake my head.
“I do. I’m certain of that at least,” I finish, all of my jumbled up thoughts tumbling out of me. It feels good to let them go, to let them out.
“Titch,” York says, drawing his attention back to him. “Do you know what I’m certain of?”
“What?”
“I’m certain that you’re the strongest woman I know. I’m certain that we’ll come out of this, all of us. I’m certain we’ll live until we’re old and wrinkled, and that Dax will turn into an ugly, fat bastard, eventually.” He laughs at that, mirth twinkling in his eyes. “I’m certain that one day your belly will be filled with my son.”
“Fuck you, York,” Xeno mutters, but there’s a smile in his voice that warms my heart.
“And finally, I’m certain that I fucking love you,” he says, reaching up to cup my face, the pads of his thumbs rubbing over my cheekbones as he bends over to kiss me. My fingers curl into his top as I kiss him back, our tongues dancing, our lips caressing. We part only when our kiss shifts from loving to passionate.
“I love you too,” I whisper against his lips, before stepping out of his hold and wandering over to the window to take in the spectacular view lit up beneath us.
Pressing my fingers against the cool glass, I allow myself a moment to settle the thrumming beat of my heart and the rush of heat beneath my skin as I stare at the twinkling lights of Islington below. My eyes are drawn to the spot where I assume the approximate location of Rocks, based on the landmarks I recognise. Letting my mind wander back to the nights we spent there as teenagers, I remember all those incredible times when we danced there together. Despite all the shit that happened at Rocks since those days, I still hold onto those memories. Treasure them.
“Will you rebuild?” I ask, knowing they’ll understand what I’m talking about.
Behind me, Zayn approaches with a bottle of beer. “Here,” he says, dropping it over my shoulder.
“Thanks.” I lift the bottle to my lips and take a sip.
“I haven’t really thought about it, honestly,” he replies, wrapping an arm around my waist from behind as he perches his chin on the top of my head. “When this is all over, we’ll make a decision together.”
“Together?”
“Yeah. We always make important decisions together, the four of us… Five of us now,” he corrects himself. “You’ve always been a part of us, even when we weren’t together. Your opinion is important. It matters.”
“Thank you,” I reply, resting my hand over his, feeling both loved and respected.
Zayn tightens his arm around my waist, and we stand together, silently drinking our beers. A minute or so later, the door to the room opens and Dax enters.
“Everything good?” Xeno asks him.
“Yeah, Gray’s chilling in the longue, Lena’s sleeping, and the ghosts are still watching the place. We’re good for a bit,” he says.
I watch his reflection in the glass as he grabs a beer from Xeno and sits on the couch next to York. He’s still dressed in his suit, the material of his trousers and shirt tight over his bulging muscles.
“Thank you, Dax,” I say.
“You got it, Kid.”
Focussing my attention back on the view, I find myself relaxing in Zayn’s arms. The combination of being held by the man I love and the alcohol flooding my bloodstream is just the tonic I need. It’s a moment of reprieve that we all need badly.
“Can anyone see in here from the outside?” I ask.
“They can if we choose,” Xeno explains, stepping up beside us. “Right now the privacy glass is on. One flick of a button and anyone looking our way can see right in.” He points to the opposite building, an office block by the looks of it, and grins. “Pretty sure some of the people who work there have gotten a good view of each of our arses at least once over the last year when we’ve forgotten to switch the glass to private.”
“It’s never switched to privacy glass when I’m up here. I have a fine arse and don’t see why others shouldn’t enjoy the view,” York says.
“You’re such a dick,” Zayn mutters, chuckling.
“Yeah, pretty sure those lucky office workers have seen that too,” he replies, and we all laugh with him.
“We actually picked this flat because of this very room,” Xeno continues once we’ve calmed down. “None of the other properties have this feature. In a weird kind of way it reminded us of Jackson Street. A room to hang out together in. No TV, just a music system and each other for company.”
“And a hot tub,” I add, a smile in my voice.
“And a hot tub,” he agrees.
Xeno stares out of the window, drinking his beer as we stand in companionable silence whilst Zayn slowly rubs his thumb up and down the skin on my bare arm. Goosebumps litter my skin, not because I’m cold, but because something shifts in the air around us. A familiar warmth pools in my lower belly at their presence.
Beside me Xeno sighs and I turn to look at him, my gaze roving over his features. There’s a sudden tenseness in his jaw, and a tightness around his mouth that I desperately want to soothe. When I left Lena sleeping, I thought, perhaps, I wanted to do more training, needing physical exercise that wasn’t dance to help tire me out. I realise now that what I want most of all is them. I need intimacy. I want conversation, laughter, their touch, their kisses, their hands and tongues, their cocks. Them. We’ve been so at odds, thrown from one crisis to another over the last week or so that I just need to reconnect, and I think they need that too.
A frown pulls together Xeno’s eyebrows, pulling me out of my thoughts and very much in the present. “What is it?” I ask gently, wanting to pull him into my arms, but not wanting to step out of Zayn’s. He turns to face me, uncertainty in his gaze.
“It’s okay to feel fucked up inside, Tiny. You don’t need to hide anything from us. We love you regardless. I love you, no matter what. Understand?”
“I do, and I’m so grateful for you all. For everything. I love you all so much…”
“But,” Xeno prompts, eying me carefully.
“But I’m terrified that he’ll take you all away before we’ve really had a chance to just be together. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was fourteen again just so that I can be with you all as we were before everything went wrong. I’d take all those beatings over and over again to just be that kid, and happy with you all.”
“Fuck, Tiny, you’re breaking my heart here, and you know I don’t have one of those,” he mutters, a half-smile pulling up his lips, making this serious moment lighter somehow. I’m glad of it.
“Jesus fuck, me too,” York agrees from his spot on the sofa.
Reaching for a strand of hair that’s fallen free from my hair tie, Xeno tucks it back behind my ear. His fingers linger on my skin, trailing heat as he slides them along my jaw. Behind me, Zayn presses a kiss against the curve of my neck. I swallow, my heart pounding to a different rhythm.
“Xeno,” I whisper, and the sound of his name on my tongue is needy and full of want.
“This room up here, it’s just for us. Whenever we need to get away, we come here and we forget the shit going on around us, even if it’s just for a little while,” he says, taking the empty beer bottles from Zayn and me, and placing them on the floor by his feet. “I know you’ve been through hell, and we don’t expect a damn thing from you, but I can’t deny that I fucking want you, Tiny. I need you so—”
Pressing my finger against his mouth, I shake my head. “I need you too. I need all of you more than I can explain,” I say, cupping his cheek with my hand. “But I’m so fucking scared I’m going to lose you… that I feel myself drawing away to save myself from the pain. Does that make sense?”
Xeno grips my wrist in his hand. “It makes perfect sense, but you don’t need to do that. You won’t lose us, any of us. I fucking swear it.”
“Feeling like this, looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to strike again, it’s making me crazy. Every hour, I swing wildly between fear and rage until I don’t know what side is up and what side is down.”
“Then we’ll make sure that we’re here to keep you steady, grounded,” Zayn says, dropping a tender kiss to my temple in reassurance.
“We’ll be here to love you until all you can think of is us,” Xeno adds as Zayn pulls my hair back from my shoulder and kisses a trail of heat up my neck, his teeth scraping over the sensitive flesh.
Pressing my eyes shut, I let out a low moan of pleasure as I reach up and cup the back of his head. I angle my neck so that Zayn can run his lips across the tender flesh beneath my ear.
“Please, just make it all go away. Make me forget, if only for a little while.”
“Oh, Tiny, we’re going to do more than make you forget. We’re going to fuck you until your body and your thoughts are filled with nothing but us,” Xeno promises before pressing a kiss against my palm, his lips trailing over my skin to the pulse point on my wrist. He licks me there, his teeth grazing over the sensitive flesh as his eyes flash with hunger and promises of pleasure. “Take off your clothes,” he orders.
