You ever look at yourself and think something looks off, but you can’t figure it out?
Well, I’ve been in front of this mirror for the last hour, getting ready, trying to figure out what it is. I can’t put my finger on it. Rolling my eyes, I officially give up on trying to place it.
I’m meeting up with Alec at Nikki’s in twenty minutes. He ended up getting my number from Reed, who had gotten it from Char. I swear this girl is just trying to play matchmaker. It’s like she completely forgot that she was there when Alec left in the first place.
Let’s just get through this. Then, he can go back to being a professional hockey player, and I can go back to being a mom. How it’s supposed to be. How he wanted it to be.
Tomorrow is all about Jack. I’ve been so busy with my new job and school. I feel like we haven’t had a lot of quality time together outside of visiting Mom.
Jack loves to go to the harbor and watch the ships. Whether they are coming in or going out, everything is extremely exciting to him. Personally, I’d rather be home, cuddled up, watching a movie with him, but nothing beats seeing that smile of his.
I pull up to Nikki’s and see Alec’s motorcycle in the lot already. Hmm, he’s early. That’s not his usual thing—punctuality.
I walk inside, and Nikki waves at me, lifting an empty cup, now prepping my usual order—a salted caramel cold brew. Alec’s back is to the door, so he hasn’t seen me yet.
I walk up to the booth and sit across from him. He immediately straightens up, offering a shy smile.
He takes a sip of his coffee. “I would’ve ordered for you, but I wasn’t sure what you wanted.” A short laugh leaves his lips. “And after all this time, I couldn’t imagine your order is still a salted cara—” He’s cut off as Nikki approaches.
“One salted caramel cold brew for my girl.” She smiles at me, handing me the cup.
I take the drink, stifling the laugh that wants to escape my lips. Looking up to Alec, I let mine go, seeing he’s doing the same thing.
He shakes his head. “I stand corrected.”
I nervously tap my fingers on my cup. “Yeah, not much has changed when it comes to my tastes.”
His lips instantly tip into that goddamn smirk.
And when I realize what I said, my face instantly heats. Ugh.
Were we always this awkward when we were younger?
He blows out a heavy breath. “So, what have you been up to?”
The roller coaster of mood swings from being around him is exhausting. One minute, I forget for just a second what happened between us, and I laugh and smile. Next, I’m fuming when my memory returns.
He must sense the anger boiling beneath the surface because seriousness shines in his eyes. But he waits for me to respond.
He doesn’t deserve any details about our perfect son. So, I guess that leaves just one thing.
My eyes drop to my tapping fingers. “My mom’s sick, which you already know.”
“Oh, Lu.” He reaches across the table, his fingers inching closer to mine.
Images of my mom, cold and pale, flash through my mind over and over. But I’m yanked back to reality the second his fingers graze mine.
I immediately pull away from his touch. I’m too vulnerable right now, and that is no place for him. My eyes shoot to his, which are full of … regret?
He folds his hands together. “I’m so sorry, Laura. What happened?”
I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes, taking a deep breath. My mind is thrown back in time, recounting the endless trips to her hospital room over the last few months. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. From the details of the cold white room to the mole on the doctor’s cheek. It was like my brain was hyperaware the entire time, burning the memories into my mind.
And now, I’m about to relive it all over again, telling Alec. The story never really gets any easier.
“A year ago, she had a hemorrhagic stroke. She wasn’t found right away, and by the time I did, she had already gone a long time without oxygen.” The backs of my eyes begin to sting, but I push it away, afraid that once I start, I won’t be able to stop.
Alec keeps quiet, giving me my time. He’s always been annoyingly respectful.
I continue on, pushing past my pain. “By the time she arrived to the hospital, she had to go into surgery—she had bleeding in her brain. She was supposed to wake up right after the anesthesia wore off. But she never did; she still hasn’t.” I don’t realize how low my voice got until I am done.
When I finally find the courage to look up, his eyes are wet, echoing the pain I feel. This time, when his hand reaches out to mine, I let him take it.
“Laura, I’m so sorry. Lisa’s strong; she’ll pull through.”
Blowing out the air I was holding, I respond, my voice still low, “Yeah, she has to.”
His thumb strokes over my knuckles, calming my racing heart. As much as I want to, it’s hard to hate him right now.
Enough about me. This vulnerability is making my skin crawl. “What about you? How have you been?”
His thumb brushes over my knuckles again, grabbing my attention to it. My brain is begging me to pull away, to cut this off. But I’m afraid it’s the only thing holding me together right now.
He continues the soothing movements over and over. “Well, I got signed to the Nighthawks last year. I got a five-year contract with a good salary. It’s been great.” He looks guilty, probably feeling bad that he doesn’t have any new baggage to add.
I lift my thumb up, wrapping it over his thumb, offering a genuine smile. “That’s great, Alec. It really is.”
Maybe all of this was for the best. Maybe he never would have gotten this far if he had stayed with us. Maybe this all happened the way it was supposed to.
He returns my smile, his dimple popping out. “Thanks, Lu.”
I want to hate him. I want to hate every part of him. But he’s living his dream. He got everything he’d ever wanted. I can’t hate that. No matter how much I want to. A part of me will always love Alec.
Alec clears his throat, pulling my attention back to him. “Can I see you again?”
I pull my hand back, resuming the nervous tapping. I want to walk away. We’ve been around each other for less than an hour, and I already know that when I leave, I’m going to miss this, miss our connection.
I should say no. But the only word that falls out of my mouth is, “Yes.”
His eyes light up, and he lifts his lips into that fucking smirk. “Tonight?”
A laugh slips from my lips. “That was fast.”
“Well, why waste any time? And the hockey team’s having a party tonight. I’m pretty sure Reed is bringing Charlotte. And I would like to bring you.”
His cheeks heat up a little, and I bite my lip at his reaction, shocked I can still cause it.
At least if Char is there, then I’ll have an escape goat if I need one. “Okay.”
“Okay?” The question huffs out of him, like he is so shocked that I said yes.
“Yes, I’ll go with you. What time, and what should I wear? Like, is it dressy?” Suddenly, anxiety floods me. Ugh, I’m not ready for this.
“Wear whatever you’re comfortable in. And I’ll pick you up at eight.” He stands, tossing his cup in the nearby bin.
I follow him to the door, which he holds open for me. “Thank you.”
He turns, walking backward. “I’ll see you tonight, Lu.”
With that, he spins, leaving long-lost butterflies fluttering around, anticipating tonight.
I wish we could pretend, pretend that this was our life, that tonight was just another date. That we could just pretend this didn’t have an inevitable timer, an inevitable end.
“Lu, hurry the fuck up!” Char shouts from her bathroom.
I look at the murder scene of my closet, still indecisive on what I want to wear. I’ve gone through practically every possible combination of my jeans and tops.
Char knocks, coming in without a response. “Lu, it’s seven fifty. Why aren’t you ready ye—oh my fucking God, what happened in here?” Her eyes scan over the piles and piles of clothes strewn on my floor.
I’m sitting on the ground, amid the wreckage. I look up to her with puppy-dog eyes. “Help.”
Char breaks into laughter, and it’s contagious. After a second, I can’t help but join in with her.
I chuck the nearest shirt at her. “Stop it and help me!”
Really looking at her for the first time right now, I realize how freaking great she looks. I lean back on my palms, obnoxiously checking her out. Like her ego needs a boost.
“He-he.” She twirls and strikes a ton of poses. “All right, babe, get up. Let’s find you an outfit.”
She walks over to me and puts her hands out. I take them, and she pulls me up.
With the amount of wardrobe changes she puts me in, we could make a movie montage. After I try almost every shirt on in my closet, Char storms off into her room, coming back with her arms behind her back, the biggest smile on her face.
“Here, this is it. No changing. Let’s go.” She thrusts a midnight-blue top at me and pushes me into the bathroom.
Getting a good look at it for the first time, I realize it is not a top.
I step into the shimmery, deep-cut, long-sleeved deep-blue surplice bodysuit. Zipping my jeans back up after changing, I take the first look into the mirror, and I don’t think Charlotte’s ever getting this back.
The front is draped into a super-low V. This will definitely draw attention. I spin to look at the back, which is sheer and crisscross.
Yeah, she’s not getting this back.
I flip my head down and shake my hair out, fluffing the curls up before walking back out in the room.
Charlotte whistles, cheering me on, “Yes, yes, yes! Let’s go. The boys are outside.”
My heart immediately jumps to my throat. I grab my thigh-high black boots and slide them over my ripped black jeggings, and then I follow Char down the stairs.
We quickly say our goodbyes to Jack and Josh before heading to the door.
My chest is tight and keeps getting tighter with each step we take, and by the time we get to the front door, my lungs are burning.
When the door finally opens and the crisp air fills my lungs, the pressure starts to lift.
I look up, and my gaze instantly locks with Alec’s.
He straightens up and begins striding toward me, wetting his bottom lip. “You look incredible.”
I press my lips together, my eyes dropping to the black T-shirt stretched across his chest. “Thank you. Not so bad yourself.”
He smirks, exposing that damn dimple, and slides his leather jacket down off his shoulders. “Here. It’ll be cold during the ride.”
He holds the jacket up for me to put my arms through. The second it’s on, I’m engulfed in him, in the scent of my past, our past. It’s so weird to be here, going to a party together after all this time.
He walks off, heading to the bike. Turning his head, he calls to me, “Ready?”
Without a word, I catch up to him I look over, and Char and Reed are in his car, waiting for us.
Throwing my leg over the bike, I grab on to his shoulders, settling down onto the seat. It’s not any less awkward this time around. I hesitantly wrap my arms around his waist.
He grabs my hands and pulls me tighter up against him, crossing my arms. Every part of me is pressed up against him. I’m so thankful he can’t see my face right now.
He revs the engine, and we take off, Reed’s car close behind. But Reed speeds up, and flies by us. The air is whipping all around us, and I’m so thankful he gave me his jacket because, jeez, I was not prepared. But he has to be freezing his ass off.
I shout over the roaring air, “Are you cold?”
He turns his head slightly, and his cheek presses against my forehead. “Laura, with your arms on me right now, I think I might catch fire.”
Okay, now, I’m ecstatic he can’t see my face.
We ride the rest of the way in silence, and when we pull up to the house, my jaw drops. This is the house some of the team is renting for their stay? It’s absolutely breathtaking.
There are endless cars out front, and I’m suddenly getting nervous again. I didn’t think it was going to be quite this large of a party. Music is pouring out of the house.
Alec pulls into the driveway and parks next to a car, killing the engine.
He leans the bike against the kickstand and helps me get off. “Ready to go in?”
I immediately look around for Char, but I don’t see her anywhere. Turning back to Alec, I realize I only have one option unless I want to be out here alone. “Yes.”
He runs his hand behind his neck and smiles at me. “Thank you for coming with me tonight, Lu. It wouldn’t be the same without you here.” His smile morphs into a smirk. “And I’ve got the prettiest woman here.”
I purse my lips playfully. “Well, you haven’t ‘got’ me, for one. And you haven’t seen all the girls here yet.”
He doesn’t hesitate a second. His eyes are boring into mine when he says, “I don’t have to see the other girls here to know you’re the most beautiful one, Lu.”
My cheeks burn with his words. “Thank you.”
“Just a fact.”
He holds his hand out, and for once since he’s been back, I don’t sit and question everything. I just do what I want. And I slide my fingers into his.
When we walk into the house, people turn and look at us, their eyes dropping to our hands. We round the corner, and I finally find Char and Reed, who are talking to Cam.
He turns, as if sensing our presence, and his eyes slowly trail down to our linked hands. He shakes his head ever so slightly, and I wonder if anyone else noticed.
I feel Alec stand a little taller next to me and can’t help but laugh at his sense of protectiveness. Nothing has changed since high school.
We finally reach them after wading through the seemingly endless crowd of people.
Char has a drink in her hand, and I think I could use one right about now. I don’t have to worry about Jack tonight since he’s at home with Josh, so I can cut loose a little bit.
I release his hand and walk up to her. “Get me one.” I drop my eyes to her cup.
She nods her head, and without a word, she links her arm through mine and starts leading me away.
But Cam reaches out and catches my arm. “Hey, Laura. Nice seeing you, as always.”
I smile up at him. “You too, Cam. Need a drink?”
He looks down at his cup, which is almost full. “Yeah, I could use a new one.” He smirks and follows Char and me to wherever we’re going.
We end up in the kitchen. The counters are stocked full of bottles of every kind of liquor. Char grabs a cup and starts mixing something up for me. After she is happy with her concoction, she hands it to me, and by the smell, I don’t think she mixed the alcohol with anything.
I take a few drinks, and, oh dear God, it’s awful. Let’s just get this over with. I tip my head back and down the rest of the red Solo.
Char turns back around to me and gasps, reaching out for my drink. “Oh my God! Laura! Did you just drink this whole thing?” she shouts at me, her eyes wide.
He-he. I giggle in my mind. “Yeah, so?”
She studies me for a moment before responding, “So, you just drank, like, six shots of vodka, you fuckin’ lightweight. You’re about to be on your ass.”
I laugh in my mind again.
“Oh my God, she’s already there. She’s a drunk giggler. Can’t help herself.” She looks at Cam.
I look at her, shocked. “Wait, how could you hear that?”
She looks at me like I’m the biggest idiot in the world. “Because you’re laughing.”
“Yeah, but in my head.” This time, I laugh out loud.
“No, you dumbass, it was not in your head.” She bursts out laughing.
She takes back off to the living room, and I follow her, trying to keep my steps in a straight line.
When we round the corner, red floods my vision. Wow, this drink hit me fast. Across the room is Alec, and leaning against the table a foot away from him is this jaw-fucking-dropping beautiful blonde who is trying to pop her boobs out of the top of her shirt by how hard she’s pushing them out.
I shouldn’t be mad. He’s not mine. I’m not his. On top of that, he has his own life, and I have mine. Whatever we are playing at right now, walking down memory lane, it isn’t real. We aren’t together, we aren’t anything. We’re two people who showed up at a party together.
He’s the one who chose this life over us. He can go fuck himself for all I care—or the blonde for that matter.
I turn around and grab Cam’s drink, tipping it back, pouring the liquid courage down my throat. I toss the cup on the table next to us and grab his hand, dragging him to the bodies of people dancing in the room.
“Laura, as much as I want to dance with you right now, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.” His eyes are darting behind me.
I walk backward, continuing to drag him with me.
“Come on, Cam. You don’t have to worry about Alec. I don’t want to dance with him right now, I want to dance with you.” I bit my bottom lip.
I’m not a complete bitch using Cam to make Alec a little jealous. I know for a fact that I am going to enjoy dancing with Cam. And all it takes to convince him is for me to run my hands down his chest, hooking my fingers in his belt loops, and pulling our bodies flush together.
His smile is stretched ear to ear. “Wow” by Zara Larsson is blaring in the speakers, setting the rhythm of our hips.
He grabs my hip, squeezing tight. I spin in his grasp, grinding my ass against him. We continue to grind and dance. With the alcohol completely flooding my vision and mind right now, everything’s fuzzy, even my anger.
The song gets to the last chorus, and Cam shoves me hard. I turn around, confused as fuck. But Cam isn’t standing. He’s on the ground, and Alec’s on top of him, smashing his fist into Cam’s jaw.
I immediately reach out and grab Alec, trying to yank him off of Cam. “Alec, stop!” I shout at him over the music.
I grab Alec’s attention enough just for Cam to swing back and pop Alec’s jaw.
Having had enough of this dumbass macho brawl, I do probably the stupidest thing. I dive between them, but it works. They stop immediately, Alec mid-swing.
He turns to me, and pure fury is in his eyes. His chest is rising and falling rapidly.
I grab his arm. “Outside now.”
He hops up and storms off without a word. I get off the ground and follow after him.
Cam reaches out, grabbing my wrist. “Laura, wait.”
My veins are hot right now. I snap at him, “What?”
“He’s hot. You need to let him cool down.” Cam warms, wanting in his eyes.
I care for Cam, I do. And I may have gone a little far tonight using him to make Alec jealous. But I don’t have a choice in the matter, it will always be him.
But the fact that Cam’s grasp is still tight on my wrist is starting to piss me off. I try to free myself but he doesn’t budge. I squint at him and feel a weird calm wash over me. “You know what I need, Cam? I need men to stop controlling my fucking actions.” Wow, this alcohol has a mind of its own. “I need you to let go of my damn wrist. I’ve known him since I was fifteen fucking years old, Cam. I know how to handle him. I don’t need a lesson from you.” Without another word, I yank my wrist out of his grasp, taking off after Alec.
The cool air slaps me in the face when I open the door. I frantically search for him, my vision getting fuzzier and fuzzier by the second.
I race down the driveway and into the street, spinning every way, trying to find his face. Frustrated and angry, I pace back up the driveway. I reach for the handle of the door.
“Laura,” Alec calls to me, tension in his voice.
I turn and am rushed with so many feelings. Anger with him for entertaining the blonde, anger with myself for reacting the petty way that I did, and more anger with myself that all I really want to do right now is jump into this man’s arms and ask if his face is okay.
What in the hell is wrong with me?
He walks up to me. “What the fuck was that in there?”
I rock back on my heels. “Are you serious right now? How about the blonde whose boobs were practically on your damn face? Huh?”
He throws his hands up. “She was talking to me, not grinding on my fucking dick! You come with me as my date and then go whore out with one of my teammates? Nice, Lu. Real nice. That’s not the Laura I know.” He scoffs at me.
I laugh. If I thought I saw red before, boy, was I wrong.
I stalk up to him and push his chest. I jut my finger in his face. “Never—and I mean, never—call me a whore. You have zero claim on me, Alec. None!” I keep taking a step forward, backing him up. “You left to follow your precious dreams. Well, congrats. You fucking made it. You got the money and the luxuries. And it looks like you even got the girls. You get to live care free, worry free for no one else in the world except for yourself.”
His back is against the garage now, but I wish I could push him through the damn wall. Somewhere behind me, I hear Charlotte call my name.
But I don’t let up for a second. “This is the life you wanted. You chose this over us. You left us. And I was left to pick up the pieces and survive. You don’t know me, Alec. You knew me. I am nowhere near the girl you left. So, go enjoy your precious life and leave us the hell alone. He’s doing great, by the way, not like you’ve asked.”
I shove him once more and storm off to Charlotte.
But not before he shouts back, “What the hell are you talking about, Laura? You broke up with me!”
I ignore him. I’m not fifteen. I refuse to play games with him.
Reed is in his car, waiting for me. Charlotte is holding the door open, and I barely make it into the backseat safely.
“Hey, Alec!” Char shouts. “Go fuck yourself!” She slides in and slams the door behind her as Reed takes off.
My blood is boiling. I press my cheek against the cold window and close my eyes.
I should have known better. I did know better. I just didn’t care.
I won’t make that mistake again.
