I lean my head against the cold window the whole cab ride home. Char occasionally pats my shoulder or rubs my knee. But my mind isn’t present. I am a teenager with no fears in the world.
I never expected to see him again, never wanted to. He’d just left with no note, no good-bye. He had taken all our hopes and dreams with him and left me with nothing but dust and misery.
But I had my mom. She helped as much as she could, but we still struggled to make ends meet, living paycheck to paycheck. After all, babies are expensive. She was a hairdresser and a damn good one at that.
And I worked part-time at our local diner. Some days were better than others. I helped with the bills, but my mom insisted I put at least half into savings for school.
After taking a year off of school after graduation, Josh, Charlotte, and I moved out of our parents’ houses and into a place of our own.
Charlotte is enrolled in school with me, and Josh works remote doing data entry, so his schedule allows him to help out so much with Jack.
With my mom in the hospital, they are my only solid foundation. Well, they have been for most of my life. After Alec left, I felt like I was all alone. But I had Charlotte, and a little while later, Josh joined.
My lips twitch up as I think of how Charlotte and I met.
One day, the popular girl in school, Tessa Thriller, called me a “four-eyed-slut” because her boyfriend had asked me for my number. Which I denied, by the way. And, well, Charlotte has always been one to stand up for others.
She punched Tessa right in the nose.
Josh turned our duo into a trio shortly after. One of our classmates was hitting on Charlotte and even touched her without her consent. Josh stepped in and beat the kids ass. He has been by our side ever since.
It was the three of us against the world. They were there when I found out that I was having a boy. They were also at the hospital when I gave birth to Jack.
They aren’t just my friends; they’re my family.
Seeing Alec again was a punch to the gut. These feelings and blocked-out emotions flooded back into me at once.
His scent was the key to the lock on my heart. When I breathed him in, everything came undone. All the years of built-up heartbreak and pain came loose.
The cab pulls up to our place, and Char tips the driver.
The house is silent when we walk through the front door. Josh must have gone to bed. I glance at the big clock in our living room. Holy crap, it’s four in the morning. I have never stayed out this late in my entire life. I guess I was drunker than I previously thought.
I kick my heels off, and Charlotte follows suit. After I lock the door up behind us, my feet guide me upstairs as I ache to be in bed. Char follows me to my room, quietly closing the door behind her.
She walks to my bed and pats the spot next to her. “Okay, let me inside that brain of yours. You haven’t said a word since we left Fireflies.”
Taking one last deep breath, I open my mouth, but everything attacking my heart and soul can’t make it past my lips. “I don’t know, Char. I’m kind of still in shock.”
I drag my sore feet over to the bed and flop down on my fluffy gray comforter. She leans back, rolling her head to face me.
“I had no idea he was on the team, I swear, Lu. I never would’ve met up with them if I had known. I’m sorry.” Her hand falls over my shoulder, pulling me into a side hug. Her voice is muffled from my hair. “But you have to admit, he turned out quite nice-looking. A long-lost Hemsworth brother, if I’ve ever seen one.” She chuckles.
I roll my eyes at her. I mean, she’s not wrong. The last time I saw him, he was this scrawny teenage boy. But now, he’s a pro hockey player. When he caught me, I could feel every hard line and curve of his body. I can’t even imagine what he looks like under all those clothes now.
Not that that’s ever going to happen. I’m not going to see him again anyway. Especially if I have a say in it.
But as hard as I try to push him out of my mind, he just won’t leave. He always has been stubborn.
Not only did his body grow up, but his face did too. His hazel eyes seemed deeper than before. And his jawline? Oh my God.
I’m not blind, okay? I can agree that he’s sexy as hell. But it doesn’t change the fact that he already destroyed me once, and I can’t feel that pain again—I won’t.
This is why I don’t leave my house. Too many people, too many potential bad situations. I’d rather just watch a movie with my Jack.
Charlotte pries herself from our hug and rises off the mattress. “All right, babe, I’m heading to bed. I love you, and you’re a bad bitch—don’t forget it.”
With that, she shuts my light off and leaves me alone. I slowly sit and unzip my dress, changing into a loose T-shirt. I brush my teeth and wash my makeup off, wiping away the remnants of the night.
I’m just going to pretend that this never happened. I never ran into Alec. I never saw how tall he became or how strong. Nope, it was all simply a figment of my imagination, a dream.
Throwing the covers over me, I plug my phone in and close my eyes, begging sleep to pull me under.
The door creaks, waking me from my slumber. Little pitter-patters sound on the hardwood, and the corners of my mouth tip up. A perfect way to start the day.
Jack hops up onto the bed and joins me under the covers. I lift my arm up, and he slides in, cradling his head under my chin. Putting my arm back down, I cocoon us inside the blanket.
Minutes later, sleep drags me under again. And when I wake up, Jack hasn’t moved. He’s still tucked in my arms, sound asleep.
Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.
Oh dammit. I never turned my phone back up last night.
I gently untuck my arm from Jack’s body and reposition his head on the pillow. Reaching for my phone on my nightstand, I can see someone’s trying to call me. But my eyes won’t focus yet—they’re too sleepy.
I pull my phone off my charger. It’s Josh.
“He-hello?” I whisper, my voice scratchy.
Josh laughs on the other end. “Oh my God, are you still sleeping?”
I mentally smack the back of his head. “No. Technically, I’m awake. Jack, however, is sleeping right next to me.”
“Okay, well, Char and I are on our way home with groceries. We picked you guys up breakfast. Figured you might need a little Sunday hangover cure,” Josh says, and I can practically hear the full smile on his lips.
“I’m the luckiest girl in the world.” He’s right; my head is killing me. “What are you guys doing for the day?”
“Not much. Probably just hanging at the house. Is Jack going with you?” he asks.
“I don’t know yet. I thought I’d ask him when he woke up.”
I instinctually glance his way. His chest rises and falls gently, calmly. Nothing compares to the peaceful look on a sleeping child’s face. No worry, no concern, no fear. Innocence. Something I miss dearly.
“All right, I’m going to get him up. See you soon.”
I end the call and place the phone back on the nightstand.
Giggles fall past my lips from the massive yawn coming out of his tiny self. When I roll over, big brown eyes peer back at me.
“Good morning, honey.” I brush the brown hair out of his eyes.
“Morning, Mom.” He yawns again.
“Come on, buddy. Josh and Char are bringing us breakfast.” I run my fingers through his hair. “After we eat, I’m going to visit Grandma. Do you want to come?” I have a hard time meeting his eyes, so I throw the blanket off me and start picking out my outfit for the day from my closet as he ponders his answer.
I hear him land on the floor.
“Yeah, I miss Grandma. I want to tell her about my new toy I got last week. She’s going to like it.”
My gaze locks on to him, and I wonder how in the hell I got lucky enough to be his mom.
“Okay, bud, go pick out some clothes, and I’ll meet you downstairs.” With my outfit in hand, I head into the bathroom.
Jack takes off, almost running out of the room. I’ll never understand kids’ energy. I wish they could bottle it up and sell it, and then I wouldn’t need so much caffeine.
After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I change into a pair of black jeans with a cream camisole and a pink cardigan.
I step into the hallway. My slippers feel like clouds on the hardwood.
Near Jack’s room, which is right next door, I ask, “Jack, are you dressed?”
Crash!
Something shatters downstairs, and I take off before I even realize it.
I fly down the stairs, my heart pounding, as I run horrible what-if scenarios in my head. I bolt down the last few steps, heading straight for the kitchen. “Jack, are you okay? What happened?”
I turn the corner, preparing myself for blood and hours in the ER. Thankfully, neither of those has to happen. Two mugs have seen their last day, lying in pieces scattered on the floor. And Jack is standing safely on the counter with a chair pushed up against it.
His eyes are as wide as they can get as he waits for me to say something, his mouth quivering.
I take a step toward him. “Are you okay? What happened?” I walk closer to him with my slippers on, avoiding the chunks of sharp ceramic.
I reach my arms out to him, and his hands grip mine. I lift him off the counter, resting him on my hip.
He says in the most heart-wrenching tone, “I’m sorry, Mom. I was trying to get a mug down for you for your coffee.”
My heart clenches.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I was scared out of my mind to raise a baby, to help him grow into his own person. To be responsible for another human being. But moments like this make every sacrifice, every scary moment, one hundred percent worth it. Being his mom is the best thing I’ve ever done.
I set him down on the couch and take his cheeks in my hands. “That is so very sweet of you, buddy, but you could’ve gotten hurt. And I’d much rather have an unharmed you than a cup of coffee.”
He smiles, but I can tell he’s still a little shaken up. The front door opens, and Josh and Charlotte make their way in with their first round of groceries.
“Why don’t you go help them carry stuff in? I’ll get the kitchen cleaned up.” I lean down, kissing his forehead.
He nods, and I lower him to the ground.
It dawns on me that I never noticed his outfit. His cape is whipping behind him. No wonder he was feeling a little fearless this morning.
He’s Superman.
After we got all of the groceries put away and finished breakfast, we got ready to go see Mom. It’s only about a ten-minute drive from the house.
We like to go see her every Sunday. We tell her all about our week, what happened, good and bad. I like to think she can still hear us. That when she wakes up, she won’t skip a beat; she’ll be up to date on everything in our lives.
I don’t exactly remember when this became our new normal. When talking to her in a hospital bed became our routine. Instead of feeling her arms wrap around us, instead of feeling the warmth of her, when we hug her, we feel the cords and tubes surrounding her frail body.
I try not to focus on the sadness of it all, to separate my mind and my heart. But it’s hard. It’s hard to talk to her and not hear her sweet voice chime in or to say good-bye and not be completely enveloped in a warm hug. I never realized how much I took that for granted. I took it all for granted.
But I guess that’s how it feels with everything in life. What’s the saying? You never know what you have until it’s gone. Something like that.
We pull into the parking lot and find the guest parking. By now, I do it out of habit.
Jack’s fussing to get out of his seat. “Mom, hurry up! I want to see Grandma.”
I undo my seat belt, falling into the motions of our visit. I open his door, and he practically jumps out the second he can. He grabs hold of my hand and all but drags me to the building.
Do you know the feeling when you’re so full of emotion that you just go numb? Yeah, well, that’s me every Sunday. My brain somehow compartmentalizes anything to do with my mom.
I haven’t cried once since her stroke. I haven’t shed one tear. I don’t get it. I am usually so emotional over everything. The last episode in a TV series, the end of almost every movie, sad videos, all of it. But inside, I’m shredded to pieces, waiting for her to put me back together.
Once we get inside the hospital, we step onto the elevator and Jack presses the button to her floor. The elevator opens, and we head right to her room, smiling at Angie, one of the nurses who works here. She always goes out of her way to make all of us comfortable and content. I’m glad she’s here, watching over my mom.
Seeing her in the bed, unconscious, never gets easier. It takes my breath. It doesn’t faze Jack though. He runs up, hopping right onto her bed, snuggling into her side. Maybe it’s because he’s young. He doesn’t know that this isn’t normal, that most kids don’t visit their grandma in a hospital bed on Sundays. But it’s what he’s known for a while, and he doesn’t question it.
His words are tumbling out of his mouth so fast that they seem to merge together as he begins telling her everything. “So, Mom took me to get this super-awesome Superman costume, the one I have on. I know you can’t see it, but it’s the coolest thing ever. It has a cape and everything. I wear it all the time, even to sleep. I can’t wait to show you. Maybe Mom could get you one, too, and then we could match. My week was okay. School’s good. My friends are good. I want them to come here to meet you. But we don’t really hang out much outside of school.”
Seeing them together helps me forget all about the Alec incident last night. And I haven’t decided if I’m going to tell her about that quite yet.
I find my usual seat in the chair next to her bed. Jack continues to go on and on. He tells her all about the TV shows he watched and how I let him cuss and sing that song.
Thanks for that, bud.
I know when she wakes up, she’ll scold me for that but laugh about it afterward.
Jack is fairly quiet, but I swear he saves all of his words for her.
After about thirty straight storytelling minutes from Jack, Angie comes in and offers to take him to get a snack.
This is our usual routine. She does it, so I can have some alone time with my mom. I’m grateful.
Scooting my chair closer, I take her limp, cool hand in mine. “How are you doing, Mom?”
I wait for her to respond, praying to hear her voice again.
Nothing comes.
I sit there in silence for a moment, contemplating what to say. But the only words that come out are, “So, I, uh … I ran into Alec last night.” Hoping that will shock her into consciousness, I give her a moment before continuing, “We didn’t really talk. He recognized me, and I … well, I bolted. I don’t want to see him, Mom, but …” I trail off.
She’s kind of become my diary through all this.
She’s who I bare my soul to.
So, I speak freely, fearlessly. “But seeing him again, Mom … oh God. It was like all these locked-away feelings came back at once. It was overbearing. I should hate him, right? I should hate him for leaving me, for leaving Jack. I mean, I do … to a certain extent. But I feel like I should hate him more, you know? Anyway, I guess it’s not that important because I won’t be seeing him again.”
I ramble on for what feels like hours. I fill her in on all of my classes and anything and everything from the last week. After a while, I snuggle into her shoulder. My body aches from the desire of wanting to be held by her.
After I finish talking, we just lie there in silence. My eyes drift. Being as close to my mom’s embrace as I can get feels a lot like coming home.
Taking some deep breaths, I try to get any scent of her I can. But after months in the hospital, it’s almost gone, replaced by the stale air from this place.
The door creaks softly, forcing my eyes open. Jack comes skipping in with chocolate on his lips.
Angie smiles at me, but I can see the pity in her eyes.
I sit up and grab my bag, ready to head home. I wish I could take her with me. “You ready, buddy?”
He smiles that too-big-for-his-face smile, showing chocolate bits on his teeth.
Oh goodness, what am I going to do with him?
“Yeah, can we stop for ice cream?”
I shake my head at him, suppressing a laugh. “You just had chocolate—or at least what made it into your mouth.” I scoot him toward the door.
He halts, slamming his foot on the ground. Twisting around, he juts a finger at me. “There is no such thing as too much chocolate, Mom. Come on!”
Well, I’ll give myself some credit. I surely raised him right. “Okay, fine. One scoop each and then home.”
With the win in his pocket, he turns back around, chin high, and heads to the elevator.
Angie walks with us, a heaviness in the air between us. She’s the first to speak. “It was good to see you guys. Next Sunday?”
I don’t meet her eyes. “Yeah, next Sunday. Let me know if there are any changes.”
She rests her hand on my shoulder. “Of course.” Turning her attention to Jack, she says, “You be good for your mom, okay?”
Jack is bouncing up and down on his toes, begging me to hit the button so we can go get his ice cream. I hit it as he says, “Yeah, yeah. Okay, I will be. Bye, Angie. We have to go. Important things to do.”
The doors glide open, and we step inside, turning to see a smiling Angie. We wave to her and then head down to our car, surrounded by the thick silence of sorrow.
Part of me can’t believe it’s only been a year since her stroke. But at the same time, it feels like it’s been longer since she held me, maybe even forever.
The doctors said they don’t know when she’ll recover. That she should have months ago and they don’t understand it. Just a phenomenon, I guess.
Her brain activity is normal and steady, but she just won’t wake up. They say some parts of her brain might be damaged from the stroke. We lost her for a little bit, and she had to be resuscitated.
We won’t know what the damage really is until she comes back to us. And we don’t even know when that will be or if it will ever come. It’s frustrating, and I … ugh, I want my mom back.
We drive to the little ice cream shop on the corner of our street, parking in the near-empty lot. I hastily get Jack out of his seat. He’s practically vibrating from excitement.
The second his feet touch the ground, he’s off, racing for the door. Again, I wish I could have an ounce of his energy. Right before he gets there, the door opens, and a familiar guy walks out.
Ugh.
Cam’s head tilts with that stupid side smile. Two other guys are with him, but I don’t think I recognize them from Fireflies.
I frantically look around, trying to see if Alec is with them. But unless he’s still inside, in the restroom or something, he’s not here.
Jack steps around them and heads inside, running straight to the counter. I can see him the whole time, and there’s no one else inside besides Rebecca, the owner, who I used to go to school with and trust. So, he’s safe.
Cam speaks first, that deep voice cutting through the tension. “Hey. How are you?”
I rock back and forth on my heels. “Good. Just out for some ice cream.”
He looks inside to Jack, and it hits me. Does he know he’s Alec’s? Does he know anything about our past?
Better to leave that stone unturned.
“Your brother is adorable. He looks a lot like you,” Cam says with eyes of adoration.
I feel all the relief in the world, and a nervous chuckle leaves me. If only he really knew. I guess Alec has kept us a dirty little secret.
“Yeah, thanks. I should get in there before he orders the whole store.”
He laughs a real laugh. “Hey, how do you know Kostelecky, by the way?”
My heart drops at the mention of his last name, a name I used to doodle in notebooks for hours. “Alec? W-we knew each other as kids.” Nope, Cam isn’t getting anything more than that. I end the conversation with, “Anyway, good seeing you.”
He opens his mouth, but I leave no room for commentary and step around them, going inside and meeting up with Jack at the counter.
Rebecca is handing him samples left and right. At this rate, we won’t even need to order anything. I glance back outside, but no one’s there. The black Audi is pulling out of the lot, taking some of my anxiety with them.
