Glancing at my bag, and back to Asher, it’s as if his eyes follow mine. His little baby lips seem to frown like knows what is about to happen. “We’ll be okay, right?” I ask him and can read the judgment in his eyes. He loves his dad, and I’m actively taking him away from him. Zander was right. We do have a routine. We have a schedule. Asher goes to bed each night after being loved on by both his parents. If I need time to myself Zander steps up. I have not done back to back night time feedings since the first week of Asher’s birth, and the few weeks in between Zander being at my house. The knowledge is not lost on me.
“If we stay we’d have to get our own place eventually,” I tell him. All I get in return is a goofy smile. “Once your dad realizes I’m a lost cause, he’ll want to date. He’s too freaking handsome for his own good, so he’ll get snatched up right away. We can’t live here for that. Then you’ll have a new stepmommy and she would love you but…” I stop to breathe in and out. It’s a small blessing that Asher has no idea what I’m talking about. At this point I’m just ramping up my anxiety all on my own. I run my fingers through his dark hair while he watches me intently. Another month gone, and he’s growing so much. He’s happy and content.
I don’t know what my future looks like. I’ve spent all week thinking about what Zander said at the restaurant. I don’t know if this is what I want. What I wanted ended so long ago and I’m afraid. I’m afraid to try again, to put myself out there, to live every day waiting for him to leave me again. I let myself look like a fool once already by taking him back, two times….shame on me? Then I feel guilty boiling it all down to what others might say about me. Asher gurgles making me smile. He deserves so much better. I don’t want him to hate me one day either for making this decision based on my pride. I run my hands through my hair. “Things have been really good.”
“Say the words Amelia and we can end all of this right now,” Zander’s voice comes from behind me and I jump. He’s leaning against the bedroom door frame, watching me intently. He wasn’t supposed to get home until late tonight and I had already planned on being gone. Now, I’m hesitating.
Zander’s head bows and he looks torn for a minute. When he looks at me again my stomach clenches. I know that look, I’ve seen it so often since we were kids. He walks over to where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed and extends his hand to Asher, who takes his finger and holds onto him. Tears spring to my eyes. I don’t want to hurt either one of them. I just don’t know if I can do this again. It took a lot to understand where Zander was coming from, the evidence was incredible, and I second guessed every word I had ever said to him. I am able to forgive. But trusting him with my heart is terrifying. Our eyes meet and I let him see the conflict inside me. It isn’t pretty and it definitely is not what he was hoping for.
“Our flight is at nine. I’ll be back again in three weeks and he can stay with you.”
“Don’t do this Amelia,” Zander responds, his voice cracking. My throat aches from the sobs I’m holding onto.
“Zander, please—”
He drops a stack of papers on the bed next to me. I jump up, snatching them, betrayal burning in my veins, “You promised. You said one month, and you wouldn’t do this!”
“Just read it, Amelia,” he responds so calmly I want to hit him. A fury I’ve never felt before grips my heat in panic.
I pick it up and read the first line, and see Asher’s name and date of birth, followed by my name and date of birth. “Another contract?” I want to laugh, and part of me wants to cry.
“I messed up. I didn’t trust you when I should have. I let the past, my own family pain and insecurity ruin our relationship. It was a mistake, and I’m sorry. I will be sorry until the day I die that I caused you any pain. I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through,” He inhales and levels his gaze at me, “I can’t let you leave. I belong with you and Asher. He’s my son, Amelia. I already missed out on so many things because of my mistake. I’m not blaming you. Losing you, and missing that time, is the biggest regret of my life. I need you. I need you both. I—” he exhales and rubs his hands over his face, “I love you, Amelia. More than my life. I am nothing without you. I believe deep down you don’t want to leave, but you’re scared. It’s not fair for me to ask you to trust me again, but I’m going to. Trust me. Love me. I will give you everything I can to make you happy for the rest of our lives. Sign the papers.”
Zander leaves the room, taking all the air with him. My knees buckle and I slide to the floor. My body shakes with tears, but I reach for the papers anyways. I won’t be able to handle it if he plans to walk away with Asher, even when I know he deserves just as much time with him as I do.
A Contract of Marriage…
I read line after line of promises Zander is making to me. Promises he is asking for in return. Some of them make me roll my eyes, and some of them make my insides mushy. Others set my soul on fire. A few make my thighs clench. Zander didn’t hold back in his demands for marriage. This time the marriage contract only gives me six months. The last page has me crying fresh tears. It details all the things that will happen if he can’t fulfill the contract.
Wherein either party is unhappy with the contract, or requirements are not being met by Party B, divorce is not an option for either party…
I laugh even while tears fall onto the paper, dotting it. Glancing at Asher quickly and seeing that he’s sleeping in his bassinet now. “What should mommy do?” Reaching for my phone I pull up Tabbi’s name and hit call.
“Are you okay?” She asks, sounding tired.
“I’m sorry to wake you, I need a quick favor, and I don’t know who else to ask.”
“Sure, babe, what’s up?”
“Can you send me the interview…Zander’s interview,” I lower my voice. Tabbi is silent on the other end.
“Are you sure?”
“I need to listen, Tabbi,” I sigh and chuckle, “I need guidance.”
She goes quiet and soon I hear the clicking of her phone, “It’s sent. Listen, I love you. I’ve been here since the beginning. I used to hate Zander and your brother for what they did, but even I felt a flutter after listening to this. I’m not saying let him off the hook completely, but girl…this man is crazy about you.”
I suck in a breath and thank her before we hang up. With one more glance at Asher, I hit play on the interview. Zander looks disheveled, ruined, and lost. My own feelings mirrored back at me.
“Zander you’ve landed on more magazine covers lately than when your business first relaunched. What’s up with that?” He asks.
“I can’t believe it either. This story is totally out of control and honestly it makes me upset to see Amelia hurt.”
“Wow, that’s not where I saw you taking this, the headlines haven’t been gentle with her.”
“I love her. This story was no one’s business but our own.”
“Wait, you love her?”
“More than my life. I’m the one who messed it all up. I’ve known Amelia since we were kids. I was best friends with her brother, but back then Amelia was always around. They lost their parents young and I was far away from my mom. Amelia took care of us. If I was sad she made me cookies, she sang. Even though she was three years younger than us, she was smart. She always knew what to say to make me feel better when I lost a game, or did bad on a test.”
“She sounds perfect, so what happened?”
“I was an idiot. The contract existed, and it relied heavily upon us kids to break it. When my grandfather died I blamed the one person who had no control over any of it, just like me. But she was familiar, she was close, and it felt worse to blame her, but at least I felt something. I pushed Amelia away. I was horrible. That’s how she ended up in New Zealand studying abroad. But at least she met Rise Above right?”
The crowd cheers.
“So you’re saying you were so horrible, she moved continents to get away? I’m so invested now, then what happened?”
“I pulled my head out of my ass and worked on Knight Industries.”
“You almost got married though, right?”
Zander smirks, “I almost married the wrong person. I was lost, I was working all the time. I had no idea what I wanted. When she cheated on me, it was more relief I felt than anything else. When I could think clearly, I realized something was missing in my life. That something quickly turned into someone. Amelia. I started working then to try and be a person worthy of her.”
“This is so romantic. I can see all the women in the crowd are getting teary eyed…”
I hit pause on the recording when the screen becomes blurry. His words grip my chest. He keeps going on, openly talking about how he chased me down. How he fought for me. How we loved each other, the future we wanted. Until finally he talks about the last time he messed up.
“I hope she sees this and she knows that I still love her more than my own life. I won’t give up, and I’ll always be here waiting for you to come back to me, Amelia.”
My phone slips through my hands and I cover my mouth to hold the sobs in. No matter the amount of pain we go through, loving Zander has always been worth it. I think of all the ways I’ve been broken, but the truth is he’s just as broken and flawed as I am. We were thrust into an uncompromisable situation that we both fought so hard to get control of, to the point we punished each other. I had no one to teach me about relationships. Zander had never seen a healthy one either. We had memories of our parents, but even those distort and fade over time.
My eyes fell on the contract again. Could I do this? Or better, can I really picture my life without Zander in it? My hands shake while I flip the pages to the end. A blank line is waiting for my signature.
