16 years old
Iremember exactly when my world changed. I was thirteen. It was a Friday after school. I always arrived home later than York as the high school’s dismissal was before mine at the middle school. I remember being excited because Zander usually came to our home Friday night, and it wasn’t unheard of for him to stay the whole weekend. Even though he was there to see York, I was always invited to hang out with them, eat pizza, play video games, or watch the latest music videos. Sometimes, they talked baseball and sometimes, they talked about the empires they would run one day. I usually tuned out at those moments because I had no interest. I knew that when my parents died, they left a lot of money for York and me. Because my father had passed away, that left the next shareholder spot open for my brother to take, eventually leaving him to fill the seat of CEO of Allister Holdings. They planned their world domination, and I zoned out, thinking how perfect my life was. I was spending weekends with my brother and Zander. My crush on Zander grew steadily every year, the older I got.
I was giddy on my way home that day, I even had our driver stop at the small bakery on our way, to make sure I had everyone’s favorite doughnut for breakfast in the morning. When I walked into the living room, everything changed. They stopped talking mid-sentence. York’s eyes flashed at me, a look of distrust in them. I glanced at Zander, but he wouldn’t look at me. I noticed the muscle in his cheek tick, and he looked like he was straining to hold in words.
From that day on, I was no longer allowed to spend time with them. That was three years ago. York ignored me at home. He often snapped at me when it was just the two of us. I could never do anything right. I wasn’t welcome at their games. I wasn’t able to even address them in the hallways when we shared the same high school for a year before they graduated. No one even believed me when I said York was my brother. And if that treatment from my own brother, the one person I looked up to, wasn’t painful enough; it was nothing compared to the absolute disdain that Zander had for me.
He cut me down publicly and in the privacy of my own home. I wasn’t smart enough, my clothes looked horrible, my cookies were stupid, and I was an embarrassment to hang around. I was just York’s little sister, and I was always in the way. They never said what changed. I begged York to talk to me. I even tried to approach Zander to apologize for whatever I did, but he coldly told me I was a waste of space and that he didn’t want me in his life. It felt as if I’d lost my brother and my friend.
If that wasn’t bad enough, every day I had Zander’s relationship with Carrigan Hutchin thrown in my face. He let her wear his jersey during his games; they would drive over together to pick up York to go to a party or just to go out for pizza. Tears would swim in my eyes anytime I saw them kiss or when he would wrap his arm around her in public. I often thought he did it just because I was around, but that was just a small, tiny, crazy part of my brain…hoping it was his way of getting my attention. Well, he had it. He was also crushing my heart every time I saw them. Carrigan was everything I wasn’t. Her platinum locks made my dirty blonde hair look boring in comparison. She was tan where I was pale, and she was rocking a D cup and curves, where I barely had boobs on a body with absolutely no shape. She had style and even managed to make the school uniform look like a Britany Spears video. Mine made me look frumpy, and according to my brother, I dressed like a ninety-year-old woman, or when I actually tried, they both told me I looked like a toddler playing dress-up. Needless to say, I felt unimportant, unloved, and was terrified to look in a mirror.
When York and Zander left for college a few months ago, I was a mixed bundle of emotions. On one hand, I was relieved to be out of their presence, where I was constantly scrutinized or completely ignored. On the other, I was an emotional wreck, unsure of what I was doing with my life. Their disdain left a permanent mark on my social life. No one wanted to be friends with the girl who was ostracized by York Allister and Zander Knight. No boy wanted to date a girl who was socially awkward or someone who Zander had personally decreed that “only someone desperate would date her.” I’m alone a lot. Even Kinsley, my best girlfriend since elementary school, was sometimes hesitant to be seen with me. We were friends on the weekend, when she needed a place to escape to, but we went our separate ways come Monday at school.
I often wonder what I did back then for the two most important guys in my life to suddenly treat me this way. For years, I’ve laid in bed at night, anxiety gripping my chest, dreaming of ways I could reach out to them. To get some answers and fix whatever had happened. One day we were all best friends, and the next, I was nothing to them. Even though they never answer, I call on their birthdays. I text on game days and wish them luck. Kinsley thinks I need to get over it, because they are bad for me. They clearly aren’t worried about my feelings. I know I seem weak. I just don’t know how to let go of my brother. I can’t make my heart forget about Zander.
Today is my sixteenth birthday party. Grandpa told me today that York and Zander will be here. He requested it. I’ve had a pit of nerves in my stomach all day while getting ready. I let Kinsley pick out my outfit and now I’m regretting that decision.
“I thought you wanted him to notice you?” She sighs and spins me back around to face the mirror.
A blush stains my cheeks. My knees look knobby, the skirt of this hot pink dress is way shorter than I usually prefer. It has a V-cut neckline, and I have zero cleavage to fill it. The cups don’t even sit against my skin, and I have to fight my instincts to keep pulling the material up. It’s sleeveless and I can see the red splotches on my skin forming into hives because I’m so anxious.
“I did, I mean I do, but.” I twist, looking in the mirror. My hair is curled and Kinsley painted my lips the exact same shade as the dress. “I don’t think this is me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Mia, this dress was literally being fought for in the store. It screams ‘sweet sixteen.’ Your hair looks like it has life in it, and since you never wear makeup, I had little to work with but you look good.”
I bite my lip, still feeling unsure. I don’t feel ‘sweet sixteen.’ I feel like Barbie’s teen-sister Skipper, trying on a dress that isn’t meant for her. It’s been months since Zander and York have been home. I don’t want to make a bad impression. If I’m going to convince them that I’m more mature and that I can fix whatever happened, I don’t want to look like a cupcake while I’m doing it. My hair does look good though.
“Okay. Yeah, you’re right,” I tell her, turning to step into the white ballet flats she set out for me.
“Of course, I am.” She winks at me, her hands on her hips. “Now, let’s celebrate your birthday.”
Kinsley grabs my hand and pulls me out of my room. I can hear voices and chatter coming from below us. Right as we reach the staircase, goosebumps rise over my flesh. Zander is here already. I can feel it. My skin flushes, and I’m eager to see him. It’s been months, and I’m dying to see how college is treating him and my brother.
Pink roses in garland line the banister and are also draped on almost every surface I walk past. My grandfather really went overboard. A huge sign, in gold letters, reads, ‘Happy Birthday Mia,’ and hangs across the doorway, where the living room leads out to our backyard. Another table is set up in that room with cupcakes in all different flavors. I notice right away, barely anyone from my school is here. It is mostly my grandfather’s business associates and their families. Having Kinsley here is partly due to the fact that her father is a lawyer, who sometimes partners with Allister Holdings.
“You look lovely, dear,” my grandfather tells me before kissing my cheek.
“Thank you. And thank you for the party,” I tell him, keeping his hand clasped in mine.
“Of course, of course. Turning sixteen is a step toward adulthood.” He winks and gives a smile to Kinsley before walking away.
“Do you see them?” I turn to my friend, while she scans the room. I can still feel the energy humming in my veins, alerting me that Zander is nearby.
Kinsley stands on her tiptoes to get a better look. I see when her eyes widen, “They’re on the back patio, but Mia…Carrigan is with them.”
Hope deflates in my chest. I felt confident enough to confront them on their own, but with Carrigan here, I know that won’t be the case. Somehow I manage to keep a smile plastered on my face as I turn to look. Sure enough, the three of them are standing on the back patio, laughing at something. Carrigan is dressed in a tight white dress, with a black leather mid-length jacket over top. She looks edgy and beautiful, with her hair in loose curls. My fingers pull at my own tight ringlets, subconsciously trying to make them looser. I take a deep breath in and exhale. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“You have too!” Kinsley grips my arm. “Life is miserable for you at school. They were jerks and you need to find out why. You deserve answers.”
Her words hit me in the gut. I know she’s right, but I suddenly feel worlds apart from them. My gaze runs over my brother, who is wearing dress pants and a button-down shirt. His brown hair is styled longer on top and shorter on the sides. Facial hair dusts his jaw. In just a short amount of time, he no longer looks like the teenage boy I lived with. He looks like a man. If possible, he looks taller, leaner, and there is a hardness about him, as if he’s already learning the real ways of the world we live in.
After a few minutes, Zander and Carrigan head off toward the bar outside. Inhaling, I decide now is the best time to approach my brother. My feet start to move on their own, carrying me to the patio. York’s eyes widen when he sees me, and at first, he looks happy, so I smile. The second I do, he shuts down, and the coolness I’m used to seeing resurfaces. My steps falter. Maybe this was a horrible idea. Clearly, nothing has changed on his end. If I don’t get answers tonight though, I think I will regret it for the rest of my life. “Hey,” I say timidly.
York’s eyes glance from my shoes and up to the top of my head. “Hey.”
“Um, how have you been? Is school going well?” I ask, my gaze flicking anywhere but on his face.
“Good. It’s been great to get out of this town,” York answers right away, and I don’t miss the hostility in his tone.
“Oh, well, that’s good,” I reply, running my hands over my arms, trying to chase away the slight chill. Silence engulfs us. I have so many things I want to say, but I can’t make my mouth form the words. The small amount of bravery I felt coming out here has vanished.
“Oh, York, it’s your baby sister, she looks so cute.” Carrigan’s voice sing-songs from next to us. “Here’s your drink.” I watch as she hands my brother a glass, and he smiles at her, exactly how he used to smile at me.
“Thanks, Care-bear.”
“It is a killer dress. It makes me want to kill myself looking at it.”
His words are like a vise grip around my neck, painfully cutting off my air. I glance up and my eyes catch with golden ones. My heart beats wildly in my chest, and time seems to freeze while I’m held in his stare. His black hair is longer, sweeping across his forehead; his shoulders are broader and his jaw is sharper, stronger, and clenched while his gaze bores into mine. My eyes sting from his horrible words, and suddenly, I feel like a child playing dress-up.
“Zan, be nice. You know as well as I do that being rich doesn’t guarantee taste.” Carrigan pokes Zander with her elbow. His arm slides around her waist and his eyes gleam with malice at me before he looks at her, smiling brighter than I’ve ever seen from him.
“Let’s get out of here. The old men saw us, that’s all we had to be here for.” He tugs her with him, and they head into the house. Stupidly, I stare after them with tears swimming in my eyes.
“I didn’t want to believe it, but that look on your face right now…wow.” York’s voice is harsh, and I spin back to look at him, feeling exposed.
“What? What are you talking about?” I blink back the tears and try to keep my voice strong.
“I’m talking about you and that ridiculous contract! Part of me wanted to believe for years that you had no idea. That you wouldn’t do that to Zander. But just right now…the way you were looking at him. I wouldn’t doubt you know all about it or that you’re encouraging it,” York practically hisses, getting right in my face.
I lean back. “What contract? What are you saying? Why would I hurt Zander?”
York scoffs. “Of course he hasn’t told you yet.”
“Who hasn’t told me about what? I’m so confused, York.”
“Go ask your precious grandfather about what he has planned for you. Then come say it right to my face, that you won’t make him go through with it.” York storms off, and once again, I’m left alone. The wind picks up, ruffling the skirt of my dress. The one that apparently was ugly enough to kill. I’m so embarrassed. The way Zander looked at me was heartbreaking. I have no idea what York is talking about. Is that why they’re mad at me? They think I did something to Zander? I love him, why would I ever want to hurt him? Nothing makes sense and the longer I have to stand here in this dress, I might scream. I know who has the answers.
I walk through the crowd of people, ignoring anyone who tries to stop me on my way. I’m over this party. No one here is even my age or my friend. I bite my lip to keep back the tears and march toward my grandfather’s office. Knowing him as well as I do, he’ll be hiding out here, probably smoking a cigar because he hates parties. I knock when I get to his door.
“Come in,” I hear his gruff reply.
Opening the door, I step in and close it behind me. “York told me to find you. He said to ask about what you have planned for me.”
My grandfather sighs. “I’m surprised they’ve kept it in this long.”
“Kept what in? What is going on?” I demand, my voice louder than I had anticipated. My grandfather quirks his brow.
“The marriage contract.”
Everything stops. I can hear the swooshing of blood in my ear drums, and I swear I black out for a second. “A, what?”
He clears his throat. “Emilio and I agreed that we would like you and Zander to be married. He wrote it up in a contract. It’s a benefit to both of our families. That is all I will say about it. If York or Zander have any issues, they can talk to me. They know the rules.”
I can’t help but stare at him. My grandfather never dismisses me, but right now, he’s being short with me, which means he’s lying or covering something up. Despite the fact that butterflies are dancing in my stomach about the thought of being married to Zander, it’s cringy that our grandfathers have put it into a contract. If Zander was ever going to love me or want to marry me someday, I wanted it to be because he actually loved me. Because I made him whole and he couldn’t live without me. Not because it’s written in a contract. Who has arranged marriages anymore?
Completely in a daze, I, somehow, manage to leave. Grandfather’s words continue to spin in my mind. Marriage. To. Zander. A Marriage contract that is beneficial to both our families. It doesn’t make sense. If Zander knows about this and so does York, is that why they’ve been so harsh and so distant to me? My heart hammers in my chest, and I’m flooded with embarrassment all over again. This day just can’t get any worse.
Right before I get to my room, I hear it. A girl moaning, and even though it’s muffled, anyone with a brain could hear what is going on. My stomach drops because at the same time, that same old energy is running through my veins. I know what I’m about to see, but for some reason, I can’t stop. Quietly, I creep closer, and try to focus on breathing normally. My heart beats heavily in my chest as if it knows what my eyes are about to see.
“Ah, Zan, yes. Just like that.” Carrigan’s voice reaches my ears.
Biting my lip, I force myself to look around the corner, even though I know it will kill me to do so. I do anyway. Carrigan’s back is against the wall, her dress hiked up around her hips, while her hand grips the back of Zander’s head that is between her thighs. I can’t look away. It feels like I’m dying inside. I should run. Run to the safety of my room and pretend none of this happened, but I can’t move. I watch as his back muscles ripple, his hands gripping her hips to pull her body into his. Obscene slurping noises are coming from his mouth, while Carrigan continues panting heavily and chanting that he’s a god. Heat floods between my legs followed by a tidal wave of shame. I turn and flee back to my room.
Angry with everyone. I slide this horrible dress off and throw it across the room. I kick off my shoes and blindly grab pajamas from my dresser. Everything hurts. I can’t hold in the sobs that threaten to escape, so I let them out. In the darkness of my room, with tears pouring down my face, I finally give in. My hand lands over my heart, gripping, holding it inside my chest. It hurts. It’s too much. Somehow, I manage to make it to my bed, where I collapse, drowning in my own tears, and praying that sleep will come faster.
The amazing thing about paid help is that the morning after a party, the mess is gone and everything has returned to normal. It’s almost sad really. Our staff spent weeks getting ready for the party, only to have everything thrown in the trash in less than twenty-four hours. I’m just happy everyone is gone and no one is around to see the mess I am today. My eyes are puffy, and my cheeks are still blotchy from crying all night. I barely slept, and thanks to the curls and hairspray, my head looks like a bird tried to nest in it. Happy freaking birthday to me.
Stuffing the rest of my sprinkle doughnut into my mouth, I place my milk glass in the sink, planning to hide the rest of the day in my room. I didn’t hear if York was staying or leaving, but I don’t want to chance running into him if he is here. I want to forget everything I learned yesterday. I need to forget that my brother could think so poorly of me, that I would purposefully consider trapping his best friend into marriage. I may only be sixteen, but even I know that is extreme.
My head pounds, and right as I close my eyes to rub a hand over my eye sockets, I collide with a hard chest. My skin burns from the contact, and my eyes fly open. Zander glances down at me, his brow raised.
“Sorry,” I manage to sputter and slide around him.
“I heard that you know,” he says, and I stop in my tracks, my back to him. I nod my head. “Then you agree it’s bullshit, right? This whole thing is ridiculous.”
If there were any pieces of my heart left at this point, I think they just crumbled to dust. Was the contract stupid, yes. But I can tell from his voice that he still resents me. It’s bullshit he would have to marry me, not that there is a contract.
Slowly, I turn to face him. “Would marrying me really be that horrible?”
What am I saying?
Zander’s expression turns dark. “You’re joking right? Amelia, I’ve known you since you were a little kid. You’re like my sister. I can’t marry you!”
“I didn’t ask you to. I’m simply asking, would it be that horrible?”
He glances away as his lips quirk up. “You’re a kid, Amelia. I don’t expect you to understand all of this. But I will not yield to my grandfather. I will not ever do what he tells me. Right now, I can’t tell you more, I’m bound by that fucking piece of paper. I can’t even mention the terms until you turn eighteen. How unfair is that? I know my life is over, but you get two more years to be blissfully ignorant.”
“I hardly feel blissful,” I mumble. It’s petty, but I have to say something.
“Don’t be a brat, Amelia. Lives are at stake. You have the power to stop it, all you have to do is tell your grandfather you won’t do it.” Zander steps closer to me.
I can feel the earnestness in his words, which only hurts me more. What is so wrong with me? How has it become so easy for them to treat me this way and why have I let them? “Why would marrying me be that bad? You just said you know me. We used to be friends, Zander. What happened to make the idea so horrid to you?”
Our eyes lock. Sadness. Anger. Repulsion. Determination. I see them all flash and fade in his golden orbs. “I will never give my grandfather what he wants. I will never marry you, Amelia. I love Carrigan.”
“What if things change?”
“I will never marry you. Just,” he slides his fingers through his hair, letting out a frustrated growl, “just read it. As soon as you’re eighteen, get the contract from your grandfather and read it. After you read it, there is no way you’d want to marry me either. Even if you like me or have a crush on me, reading that will change your mind.”
I doubt it. I’ve held him in my heart for so many years, it doesn’t feel possible. Zander is tied to my past. Our bond already formed the day he found me under that willow tree. “You know I have a crush on you?”
He sighs. “I was really hoping it would go away.”
I can’t do anything but nod in agreement. I wish it would go away too. I wish his grip on my heart would lessen, so everyday wasn’t so painful.
“I don’t know everything about the contract, but Zander, we’ve been friends for so many years. We used to be anyway. What if it is something I want?” I let my eyes jump to his, goading him, just to make him feel confused and angry, the same way I have felt over the years. I would never actually hurt him, but my brother and Zander haven’t even considered my feelings. I’ve been deemed guilty from the start. So he knows about my crush on him? So what. Two can play this game. I could make him squirm.
His eyes narrow. “You have no idea what is at stake here.”
I shrug my shoulders. “And whose fault is that? You and my brother cut me off without explaining anything. And honestly, your little bad boy ploy has only made me want to understand you more. Your little show with Carrigan, is that because you love her so much or are you just trying to make me jealous?” The words slip boldly from my lips before I can stop them. My cheeks flame red from all the pent-up emotional anger I’ve been holding on to. I can see his jaw clenching tighter, his golden eyes darken with disdain.
“End the contract, Amelia. You really won’t like me anymore if I have to ask you again,” he threatens, his words hanging in the air with a touch of violence.
My legs are shaking from the adrenaline. I tilt my head up to look at him straight on. “Like you said, I have two years to decide.”
Without another word, Zander slips around me and goes downstairs. I hear him and York talk before the front door closes. I’m alone. Again.
