Streaks of pastel are creeping across the sky when I walk out of the sliding doors of Charleston General. I blink at the foreign sight of natural light like a baby bird that’s just emerged from the blackout of an egg.
I’m tired. So tired that I’m no longer sleepy. It feels like I’m in a lucid dream, where colors are hazy and nothing feels quite real. I walk across the asphalt toward Sloane’s black sedan. My parents are back from their trip, meaning I’m car-less again. I’ve been taking the bus most of the time, but Sloane insisted I drive her car today, claiming she didn’t need it until this afternoon. I need to go see if the MINI I looked at is still available.
I wave goodbye to Rose, who’s yawning as she walks toward her own car. I wonder if anyone has ever left a shift at the hospital, only to crash into traffic and return in an ambulance.
Witnessing death can make your thoughts take a turn toward the morbid, I guess.
I’m exhausted, both mentally and emotionally drained. But there’s still something I want more than sleep.
I drive to Gray’s apartment under the muted light of a new day. This has become routine, though it won’t be for much longer. I park in the garage, take the elevator to his floor, and let myself into the loft, using the key under the mat. My steps are silent as I tiptoe through the living room and past Emmett’s bedroom door. The hinges swing without a single creak. I slip into the bedroom and slide off the scrubs I was too lazy to change out of. Gray stirs as I climb into his bed.
Sleepy green eyes meet mine. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
He reaches for me, letting out an appreciative hum when he realizes I’m already naked. “I wasn’t sure if you were coming over. You never texted me back.”
“I know. I got a page, and then a patient crashed, and it—” I blow out a breath. “It was just a long night.”
“Did they—”
I shake my head. “No. They didn’t make it.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
I lean over and kiss him, sliding one hand down his chest and stroking the length of his hardening cock. His groan vibrates on my tongue.
I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve had sex. Every time feels different. This time, there’s a fresh desperation. There are a lot of things I’m trying to forget right now. Being with Gray like this erases everything else from my mind—even when his upcoming departure is one of the weights.
I roll over and sit up so that I’m straddling him. His hands rest on my hips, gripping me tight enough to keep me in place.
“You’re upset. We don’t have to do—”
“What else would we do, Gray? We fuck, right? That’s it.”
His jaw tenses. I have the perfect view of the straight line.
“Evie.”
“What?” Exhaustion sharpens my tone. “My name isn’t an answer. This is just sex to you, right?”
He holds my gaze. I watch regret pass across the eyes that say more than his words, like a cloud covering the sun.
“Right,” he finally confirms.
I nod; I expected that answer. I haven’t let myself hope for more. He’s leaving tomorrow. I just needed a reminder.
I grind against him. Arousal overwhelms annoyance as we both respond to the delicious friction. He slips inside of me, and I start to sink down.
After a few inches, Gray stills. “Condom.”
Rather than move away, I hold his gaze. “I’m on birth control. Do you need a condom?”
Gray exhales a sound somewhere between a laugh and a scoff. “I don’t know whether to be flattered or offended that you think I have the time or energy to be hooking up with other people.” He doesn’t appear flattered or offended though. He seems mad.
“Is that a no?”
He sighs. “It doesn’t matter, Evie.”
“It matters to me.” I sink down another inch. My body wants to take him.
He hisses as his features tighten. Not with annoyance this time, but with pleasure. “I’ve never…”
“Does it feel good?” I barely recognize my own voice. This isn’t just torture for him.
Gray groans, which is better than a yes. “I’m clean. I had a physical last week.”
I don’t move.
“Didn’t that answer your question?” Challenge flits in his gaze.
He didn’t answer what I was really asking, and we both know it. It almost seems like he wants me to push. To admit that him being with someone else would bother me. But other desires are overriding my curiosity. And what does it really matter anyway? Either it will fuel the false hope I’ve been desperately trying to extinguish or it will break my heart.
I drop my hips, so he’s fully seated in me. We both groan. He’s chanting my name as I rise and fall and press against him. Gray seems to get sick of the slow pace. He flips me so that I’m under him and slides back inside with a swift invasion I don’t see coming. I cry out, and he kisses me, smothering the sound.
“Emmett’s home.”
“Warn me next time, then.”
Gray smirks. Sex seems to have restored his good mood. “Nah.”
He starts moving. I hook my ankles behind his back, opening up and allowing him deeper. He sets a brutal pace, pounding into me over and over again. I come quickly, and he follows, spilling a foreign warmth inside me. As soon as he pulls away, I feel the liquid start to slide down my thigh. I lean over to grab tissues from the bedside table and wipe it away. Gray watches me, something unreadable in his gaze.
He stands abruptly and walks over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of navy swim trunks.
I sit up on my elbows. “You’re going surfing?”
“Yep. Did you want to have sex again first?” His good mood is gone as soon as it appeared. Annoyance rears its ugly head again.
“Nope.” I climb out of bed and pick my scrubs up off the floor, so I can pull them on. “I’ve actually never wanted to have sex with you less than I do right now.”
He hesitates. “I won’t have time to surf before I leave tomorrow. This is my last chance for…months.”
“That’s not why you’re leaving.”
“Then, why am I leaving, Evie?”
Anger boils over. “You’re running out of here because me asking if you were screwing anyone else freaked you out. Well, guess what. I care! I’d like to know if you’re fucking other girls before I get into your bed. Don’t act like that’s ridiculous; don’t forget how our first time ended. Another resident asked me to get coffee with him at the end of our shift. It wouldn’t bother you if I screwed him in a Starbucks restroom and then came here?”
I don’t miss the flare of anger in his eyes. The way his breathing turns deliberately deep for a few seconds.
He doesn’t know what to say. I watch him fight back a few retorts. “I’m trying not to hurt you.”
“Well, you’re doing a shitty job of it. I’m a fly by for you. A temporary distraction, right?” I gather up the rest of my stuff. “If you want a final fuck, you know where to find me. Or call one of the other girls you might or might not be sleeping with.” I stride toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
He’s angry now too. Good. That will make this easier.
I stare him straight in the eye. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go to Starbucks.”
Then, I open the door and slam it behind me.
I also slam the front door for good measure.
It sounds like déjà vu.
The buzzing of my phone wakes me up. I knock over everything on my bedside table in my quest to answer it without opening my eyes. “Hello?”
“Evie?”
I yawn. “Hi, Mom.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No, I was just sleeping.”
“I didn’t think you were working last night.”
“I wasn’t supposed to. I traded shifts.”
“Oh. I’m sorry, sweetie. I wouldn’t have called otherwise.”
“It’s fine.” I yawn again. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to see if you were free for dinner. I already talked to Noah. We have gifts and photos to show you from our trip.”
“Yeah. Sure. What time?”
“Six?”
“Okay. See you then.”
“Bye, Evie.”
I hang up, set an alarm for five thirty, and promptly fall back asleep.
When my alarm rings again, I don’t want to get up. It takes me five minutes to talk my muscles into moving.
By the time I’ve gotten dressed and fixed my hair into something resembling a ponytail, I’m running late. I take an Uber instead of the bus, pulling up at my parents’ house at six fifteen. I don’t bother with ringing the doorbell, just walk into the kitchen.
My mom is standing at the stove, stirring a bubbling red sauce. My dad is chopping cucumbers at the kitchen island. Noah is sitting at the kitchen table, contributing nothing.
“Evie!” my mom greets, stepping away from the stove to give me a big hug.
“Hey, Mom,” I say, squeezing her back before I’m passed to my dad and then to Noah. I’m the baby of the family, and I get treated like it most of the time.
Dinner turns out to be an authentic family recipe my mom sweet-talked a Michelin-starred chef into sharing with her. As we eat the pasta, maps and ticket stubs are passed around the table along with my mom’s phone to show off the slideshow of photos. It looks like an amazing trip. I’ve never been to Europe before. Annoyingly, the first thought that crosses my mind is whether Gray has. I’ve never asked where his deployments have been. He’s selective about sharing information…and I’ve also been living under the delusion that I’ll have time to get the answers, not that my access to them ends tomorrow.
After dinner, Noah corners me in the living room. “I’m worried about you, Evie.”
“What? Why?”
When I shared stories from work at dinner, he said he was impressed.
“I know you said you’re fine about Logan, but it seems like you miss him. You work all the time, you never go out, and—”
“It has nothing to do with Logan, Noah. I just started a new job. With long hours and lots of stress. If I show up to work hungover and make a mistake, someone could die. I’m not going to apologize for taking that seriously.”
“You shouldn’t apologize. I’m so proud of you, Evie.”
“Okay…so, what? We’ve established I work a lot. Why are you worried? You want me to go pick a guy up in a bar?” Because I already did. Oh, and he happens to be your best friend.
Noah cringes. “No. I just…do you have to work tomorrow?”
“No…” My answer is hesitant since I’m not sure where he’s going with this.
“Perfect. I’m going out with the guys tonight. Come out with us.”
“The guys?”
“Yeah. Emmett, Harrison, and Gray. Gray’s leaving tomorrow.”
I act like the reminder is news to me, not a stab to the gut. “Oh. I’m, uh, I’m not dressed to go out.” I gesture to my jeans.
“We’re not going to a club. Gray shot that idea down, surprisingly. Just some pub on Pleasant.”
“I don’t want to intrude—”
“You’re not. I’m inviting you.”
I have a feeling Gray might feel different, but I can’t come up with an excuse Noah’s pleading eyes will accept.
“Okay,” I relent.
Ten minutes later, we’re on our way. Noah talks about work the whole drive to the pub. And he says I’m too focused on my job. I mmhmm and uh-huh along, not really paying attention.
“Gray’s leaving tomorrow.” Noah stating that fact made it sink in more.
The fist around my heart is tightening. He’s leaving, and it makes me want to cry and scream and panic. But I just nod instead.
The pub we walk into is cozy. I’ve never thought of that adjective to describe a drinking establishment before, but it fits this place. I don’t feel the excitement of walking into a club or the exhaustion at making small talk until I can face-plant into bed. It feels comfortable. There’s a group of older men seated at the bar, laughing and joking. A few middle-aged couples. And one booth containing two familiar guys and one green-eyed gaze that immediately erases any ease I’m experiencing.
Gray is good at hiding his emotions, but I’m getting better at seeking them out. There’s a flicker of surprise that tells me Noah didn’t mention me tagging along.
Will he think I’m infringing? Needy? I knew he’d be here.
“Hey, guys.” Noah plops down in the booth, the picture of ease.
Of course he’s relaxed. I would be too. Before. I know these guys. I grew up with them. Despite my crush on Gray, I was never affected by his presence the way I am now.
Consumed.
Engulfed.
The dynamic has changed, and we’re the only two who are aware.
“Hey, Collins. Evie.” Emmett greets us both with an easy smile. Expected.
So is Harrison’s grin. “Not too cool to hang out with us, Evie?”
“Noah called me lame. Apparently, I work too much.” I sit down and give my brother a pointed look. “Pot.”
“Not to mention, you’re saving lives while Noah is…what do you do again, Collins? Draw houses?” Emmett teases.
Noah flips his friend off.
My phone begins buzzing in my pocket. I pull it out to see Sloane is calling. “Hey,” I answer.
“Hey. Sorry to call. I’m driving, so I thought it would be easier.”
“No worries,” I reply. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’m headed out, and I realized I forgot my house key. You’ll be home in the morning to let me in, right?”
“Yeah. I’m off tomorrow.”
“Okay, perfect. Bye!”
“Bye,” I echo, then end the call and set my phone on the table.
“Sloane?” Noah asks.
“Yeah. She forgot her house key.”
“Do you need me to take you home to meet her?”
“No.” Leaving is tempting, but so is staying. “She won’t be back until the morning.”
My phone lights up again. I move to grab it, but Emmett picks it up first.
“Whoa, sick photo.”
He’s talking about my lock screen. It’s one I took of the beach in Beaufort. I watch Gray look at the screen. His face doesn’t change.
“By the way, a Logan texted you,” Emmett says with a smirk, sliding my phone back to me.
Noah looks at me, surprised. “You’re texting with Logan?”
“He messages me sometimes.” I make sure to emphasize the he—and not for Noah’s benefit. Not that I have anything to feel guilty about. Not that Gray will care. This news might be a relief to him. No one looking for a messy relationship here. Nope. Nada. Not interested.
“Logan is the doctor ex?” Emmett questions.
“Yeah.” I’m so, so tempted to look at Gray right now, but I don’t.
“Texting you on a Friday night instead of out getting laid? Guy wants you back. Bad.”
“He’s probably at work.”
Emmett snorts. “He sounds perfect for you.”
“He wasn’t. We didn’t work. It was a mutual decision.”
“So, you both just sat up in bed one day and were like, This is it. We’re done?”
I wait for Noah to jump in, but he doesn’t. Honestly, I didn’t tell my parents and Noah much about my breakup with Logan. I could tell they were surprised—and disappointed. I’d barely dated before him, and they all loved him.
“No.” That would have required us ever sharing a bed. But I don’t say that. “I guess it was more amicable than mutual.”
“Can you move, Ledger? I’ve gotta take a piss.”
Harrison rolls his eyes but stands to let Gray out of the booth.
“Hey. Move.” Noah nudges me. “I need a drink.”
I roll my eyes but oblige.
“What do you want?” he asks me.
“A beer, I guess?”
Noah nods, then walks toward the bar.
“Think he’ll notice if I leave?” I sit down and scooch toward the middle of the booth.
Emmett chuckles. “He’s just worried about you.”
I sigh. “I know. Anything new with you two?”
“Eh, not much,” Emmett replies. “I’ll miss having Phillips around.”
Me too.
I shift my gaze to Harrison.
“Just came from a date,” he says.
“Really?! How was it?”
He shrugs. “Fine.”
Whoever this girl is, I hope she didn’t enjoy the date. It doesn’t sound like there will be a second.
Emmett comes to the same conclusion. “Ouch, man. Do you need dating advice?”
Harrison looks like he’s majorly regretting bringing this up. “No. It was a casual thing.”
“What was a casual thing?”
I startle at the sound of Gray’s voice. Stiffen when he decides to slide into my side of the booth, not back next to Harrison.
“Ledger’s date,” Emmett answers.
“Ah.” That’s all he says.
“No words of wisdom, Phillips?”
“I don’t know shit about relationships.”
“I think Ledger was more looking to get laid. Although based on the way doors were slamming this morning, you could use some help in that department too.”
Where the hell is Noah? I could really use a drink right now.
“The door slamming was because she wanted more.”
It’s a struggle to keep my mouth from gaping open.
“Here you go.” Noah sets a bottle of beer in front of me, then takes Gray’s former seat beside Harrison. “What’d I miss?”
“Ledger had a bad date and can’t get laid,” Emmett summarizes, leaning back with a lazy grin as Harrison flips him off.
“I said none of that.” He glances to me, seemingly for confirmation.
“I have no interest in getting involved,” I reply. “Unless you want a female perspective.”
“Yes!” Emmett crows. “This is perfect. Try to pick Evie up, and then she can give you pointers.”
“Um, no,” Harrison replies. “No offense, Evie, but it’s too weird. You’re like a sister to me.”
I startle. Not from the words, which are a relief, but from the hand that’s settled on my leg. The heat of Gray’s skin sinks through the denim of my jeans. I wish I’d worn a dress. Even more when his hand drifts higher. He teases the seam of my jeans, running a finger up my inner thigh. I take a few hasty gulps of my beer, trying to cool the fire suddenly simmering in my veins. Then, his hand slides back down, stopping on my knee. He grips it like he’s adrift in the ocean and it’s the one thing that can save him.
And I don’t really hear another word of what’s said until Noah and I leave an hour later.
My phone buzzes with a call as soon as I walk through the door.
Gray doesn’t bother with a hello. “You home?”
“Yes.”
“Two minutes.”
He was too eager to text. He called. The thought makes me smile—until another one snuffs it out like a candle.
This will be the last time we do this.
I fill a glass with water and lean against the fridge as I sip it. Anticipation simmers in my veins as I wait for the knock on the door.
When I open it, I’m sort of expecting him to attack me. For all his eagerness on the phone, he takes his time walking inside. Doesn’t even touch me.
Once we reach the kitchen, he turns to me with a sigh. “Evie, about this morning—”
I press a finger against his lips, silencing him. “I don’t want to talk about it. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have…you’re leaving tomorrow. This is what it is.”
“Yeah,” he agrees quietly. “It is.”
I can feel my heart fissuring, tiny cracks forming that feel audible in the quiet room.
But I paste a smile on my face. “Sorry for crashing your boys’ night earlier. Noah didn’t really give me much of a choice.”
“It’s fine. It was nice, actually, having you there.”
“Oh. Good.”
“Worth it to see Ledger squirm about picking you up.”
I seize the opportunity to lighten the mood. “Why? You think you could do better?” I cock my head in a clear challenge.
Gray smirks, slow and delicious. “Could? I did.”
“Do you want to get out of here?” I quote. “That’s your big pick up line?”
He rolls his eyes, then nods toward one of the kitchen stools. “Take a seat.”
I listen and look at him expectantly. He sidles around the edge of the island and takes a seat on the stool next to me with a serious expression that makes me want to laugh.
“This seat taken?”
I make a show of looking him up and down. “Now, it is.”
“So, aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”
I snort before I lean forward. “What’s your name?” I lower my voice. “So I know what to scream later.”
He’s shocked. Of the two of us, he’s always been the dirty talker. “Fuck, Evie.”
“I didn’t tell you my name,” I tease, staying in character.
Gray smiles. “Lucky guess. If you’re feeling down, I’d love to feel you up.”
I laugh. “You’d better do more than that.”
He stands and steps closer. I wind my legs around him as he jerks my shirt up and over my head.
“I changed my mind. I don’t want to pretend like this is our first time. I like that I know when I do this”—he lowers his mouth and sucks on the curve where my neck meets my shoulder, and I moan—“you moan. And that when I take these off”—he tugs at my jeans—“you’ll be dripping for me. Right, baby?”
“Right,” I gasp.
And then he’s kissing me, and neither of us is doing any talking at all. Joking or serious. Sweet or dirty. Familiar or foreign.
We stumble into my room and onto my bed. His eyes heat when I pull his shirt off, but his smile is still playful. He rains kisses over my temple and jaw. Even once he finds my lips, they’re light pecks. I squirm, and he laughs before our mouths fuse together.
Gray continues teasing me with his tongue. Then, slowly, the mood shifts. It turns serious. Hands linger and kisses deepen.
His right hand slides up my left calf and hooks my knee. “You have a big smile. It takes over your whole face, and it’s impossible to look at anything else.” He pulls my legs apart before moving over me. His hand keeps moving upward, cupping my butt. “You have an amazing ass.” He flicks my bra open. “You’re the hardest worker I know.”
I swallow a couple of times. Otherwise, I’m worried I might start crying. Compliments don’t have to be sweeping declarations. They can be simple and matter-of-fact. And coming from Gray, who doesn’t compliment anyone about anything, it means a lot.
He keeps talking and touching me, and there’s a voice telling me that this won’t end well. That I might have thought I fell in love with Gray a long time ago—that was child’s play compared to this. That I fell when I kissed him. When he kissed me back. That every moment we’ve spent together, I’ve sunk deeper. That moving on before—as pitiful an attempt as it apparently was, since it didn’t exactly take me long to warm back up to the idea—might have been easy in comparison to this.
After we both come, he’s the one who tugs me to his chest.
We lie like that. He traces circles on my skin. I listen to his heartbeat.
And I know it with complete certainty.
I love you, Gray.
I just don’t know what to do about it.
I’m already awake when he starts to move. I keep my eyes closed because I know what I’ll have to face when I open them. Gray climbs out of bed. I hear the rustle of fabric as he starts pulling on his clothes. I never knew how final getting dressed could sound.
You can do this, Evie.
I scrunch my eyes as tightly as I can in protest, then open them. I sit up slowly.
Gray finishes pulling his T-shirt on before he glances over. “Morning.”
“Morning.” My voice comes out scratchy, so I clear my throat. Once. Twice. Three times. The ball of emotion doesn’t go anywhere.
He walks over and takes a seat on the edge of the mattress. “I’ve got to go.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Evie…”
“Be careful. Don’t do anything stupid. Okay?”
“I’m good at my job, Evie.”
“Modest too.”
A smirk flashes across his face.
“Promise me you’ll be careful, Gray.”
“I promise.”
I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, inhaling his scent and soaking in his presence for the few more seconds I have it.
He kisses the top of my head. “You’re not a fly by, Evie.”
Then, he pulls back and walks away. In seconds, he’s gone from my life without a backward glance.
When I finally climb out of bed, there’s a set of Jeep keys on the kitchen counter with a note that says, You’d better use these.
