Smooches13: Pleaseee bring back the OF! Dying w/o you n Not_Your_Baby!
Hunt3rboiiii: Hey Backwardz, is Not_Your_Baby your bf??? You need to wife that ASAP
Jello_jiggle: Ur fans miss u!
When my eyes peel open, I have absolutely no idea where I am or what time it is.
Damn hotel blackout curtains.
Sprawling out in bed, I stretch my arms and yawn, nestling into the softness of the sheets and the cozy comforter. But as awareness dawns that I’m alone in bed, I feel around for the smooth skin and muscled limbs of my boyfriend, only to find nothing but more bed.
I glance at the empty space, sitting up slowly and peering around the dark room. I don’t see or hear him anywhere.
“Ky?” I call out, hopping out of bed to go check the bathroom. “Kyran?”
The door is open and he’s clearly not in there. Spinning back toward the living room, I notice that his clothes are gone. Which means he’s gone.
My chest instantly tightens, but I force myself to take a breath and calm down.
Don’t overreact. He probably just went to get breakfast with the team… Or maybe he’s in his room packing.
The clock on the nightstand says it’s nine-thirty, which is certainly later than I’ve ever known Kyran to sleep. He’s an early riser.
He also likes to be packed and ready to go hours before a flight. His is at one-thirty, and mine is at three. I was planning to go to the airport with him so we could spend more time together, since I couldn’t get on the same flight.
He’s probably just in his room changing, or with Guty or something.
Checking my phone for a text that I’m sure is there, my stomach falls a little when I find no new messages.
I type one to him while rushing into the bathroom.
Me: Hey babe! Where are you?
Me: Did you already eat or should I order us some romantic room service? Ya know… heart-shaped pancakes, whipped cream and strawberries, the whole shebang 😉
My eyes are on the screen the entire time I’m brushing my teeth… Almost three minutes and no reply. He hasn’t even read the messages.
Now I’m starting to worry just a tad.
I decide to put showering on hold until I figure out where he is, jumping into some clothes and dashing out of the room. The team rooms are two floors above mine, so I stalk up to the elevator, pressing the button a dozen times rapidly.
This is stupid. Why are you freaking out?? He’s probably with—
“Guty,” I breathe his name when the elevator doors open and I find him standing there in his workout gear, all sweaty.
Guty grins. “Sup, bro?” His eyes narrow as he murmurs, “Have a fun night? I’m guessing you did, since neither of you showed up to hang out…”
I’m not even really listening to him, I’m too busy peering inside the elevator for any sign of Kyran before stepping inside with him. “Yea, it was great. Was Kyran at the gym with you?”
His forehead creases. “No… I thought he was with you.”
My breathing picks up. “He was last night, but when I woke up, he was gone. I just figured he was with you.”
Guty’s eyes widen nervously. “I haven’t seen him since you guys took off last night.”
Sucking in a breath to calm my racing pulse, I pull my phone out of my pocket. Still hasn’t even read my texts… What the fuck is going on??
“It’s fine. He’s probably in the room right now,” Guty says as the elevator doors open, and I dive out into the hall. “He probably showed up to pack while I was working out.”
“I hope so…” I whisper, anxiously following him to his room.
My heart is climbing high up into my throat, a feeling of mortal dread attempting to take over my body as Guty opens the door to their room and we both storm inside.
“Ky?” I call out, looking all around everywhere. “Kyran??”
“Yo, Nueve, you here, bro??”
But he’s not. He’s not here.
“Okay, I’m freaking out…” I rake my fingers through my hair.
“It’s fine. Relax. Maybe he’s with Theo.” Guty taps on his phone screen, and it starts ringing. He peeks at me. “You tried calling him?”
“I texted him…” I mutter, chewing on my lip. “He hasn’t even read them yet, and it’s been like twenty minutes.”
Guty gives me a look that isn’t making me feel any better.
“Yo,” Theo’s voice comes over the speakerphone.
“Hey, are you with Ky?” Guty asks him.
“No…” Theo says in a bemused tone. “I thought he was with Avi.”
I’m pacing in circles while Guty tells him, “Avi can’t find him.”
There’s some shuffling over the line, and Theo whispers something I can’t make out.
“Are you in your room?” Guty asks.
“Yea… I mean, no. I went for a run now I’m… getting coffee.” he mumbles something again, like he’s covering the phone while talking to someone else.
“Dude, what the hell are you doing??” Guty barks at him.
“Nothing! I’m fine,” Theo grunts. “I haven’t seen Ky, but I’ll call you if I do.”
Guty rolls his eyes, pacing the same sorts of circles that I’m making while he mutters, “Okay, yea. Thanks.”
He hangs up the phone, then rubs his eyes. And when his hand moves away, he’s blinking at something.
“What??” I ask, jittering from head to toe.
“His stuff is gone…” Guty stomps over to one of the beds. He bends, looking around, opening drawers and tossing stuff around. “His bag, everything. It’s gone.”
What the fuck?? Why would his stuff be gone?!
“Jesus,” I grunt, shaking fingers unlocking my phone and placing a call to Kyran.
It goes straight to voicemail.
“Fuck,” I whimper, covering my face.
This can’t be right. Why would he leave…??
“Did you guys fight or something??” Guty asks, and my eyes dart in his direction.
“No, everything was…” My words trail as I recall last night. What really happened… “Fine.”
Yes, we had a stressful night, what with the revelation of Kyran’s past finally being exposed. But it seemed like everything was okay. I assured him as best as I possibly could that I love him no matter what, and that he can talk to me if he wants to. Then we had amazing, hot, sweaty, filthy sex, and he fell asleep in my arms.
I thought we were okay. I know this will be hard for him, since he’s so used to stuffing it all down and hiding it from the world, but I really thought he processed what I was saying… That I’ll be here for him, always, for whatever he needs.
God, this is fucked. Where is he??
Typing out another text, I hit send.
Me: Baby… please just tell me you’re okay. Your stuff is gone from your hotel room and I’m really freaking out. I love you Kyran… please.
“You really never saw him grab his stuff?” I ask Guty, scrolling through my contacts.
Guty appears beyond concerned as he shakes his head. “He must have gotten it while I was at the gym. Or maybe while I was asleep… I don’t remember if it was there when I woke up or not…”
Fear of the unknown has me twitching all over as I locate Bridget’s number and press call. Maybe he went to see his sister…
He had to have. He has to be with her.
“Hello?” Bridget’s voice comes over the line, with a lilt of confusion, because I don’t think she has my number stored yet.
“Hey, Bridget, it’s Avi.”
“Hey,” she sighs, remorsefully. “Look, I’m sorry for just taking off last night. All that emotional shit got the best of me, and I just needed to be alone…”
“Okay, that’s fine, but… is Kyran with you?” I ask her, pleading inside that he’s there.
He has to be there.
Bridget is quiet for a second before she says, “No. Why…?”
“Fuck,” I huff, heading for the door, shouting to Guty on my way out, “I’m gonna go back to my room and see if maybe he came back.”
Guty nods, stuck on his phone, his fingers tapping away.
“Avi, what’s going on??” Bridget demands over the line while my feet move on autopilot, bringing me back downstairs to my room.
“Kyran’s gone,” I whisper.
And saying the words out loud feels like eight tons of wet cement dumped on top of me.
He’s gone. He left.
Why would he leave?? Did I do something?
Did I make him leave…?
“What do you mean gone?!” she gasps. “What happened?”
“I don’t fucking know.” Emotion clogs my throat. “He found out that I know about what happened… Because of your text.”
“Sorry…” she squeaks.
“It’s okay, because it doesn’t matter. That’s what I told him, I pleaded with him to understand that I don’t care about any of that! I just want to be here for him. I want to be with him!”
I burst into my hotel room, desperate to see him standing there, giving me a look like I’m crazy for freaking out so bad over nothing.
But the room is empty.
“Bridget, I gotta go,” I whimper. “Please call me if you hear from him.”
“Yea. You too.”
Taking a slow seat on the couch, I stare at my phone screen, praying to any and all forces of the universe for him to just read my texts.
Me: Baby where are you…? I just wanna know that you’re safe. I love you so much
Far too many minutes go by, and as much as I’m scared and panicking inside, I’m too exhausted to even move.
My phone vibrates in my hand, and I jump in relief.
But it’s not Kyran. It’s a text from an unknown number.
Unknown: Hey it’s Guty. I got your number from Bea.
Unknown: Coach just got a message from Kyran… He went home.
I gape at the message until my eyes ache with the need to blink.
Me: He went home?? Why????
Guty: We’re not sure. All he said to Coach was that he changed his flight and went home.
I’m trying so hard not to read too much into this… Not to let my mind go to the worst possible conclusion…
But it’s no use. It just keeps crawling up from the back of my brain, the insecurities and tormented voices becoming too loud to ignore.
He left you.
He ran away again… From you.
Because, as usual, you pushed too hard. You’re just too much… Too hopeless, too desperate. Chasing him over and over again, when he doesn’t want to be caught.
Reclining onto my side, I sink into my own despair.
But why would he tell me he loved me?? Why would he openly kiss me in front of his whole team and tell them all that he’s my boyfriend if he was just going to turn around and run from me??
My heart aches at the memory of last night… God, it was incredible. Kissing him out in the open. Feeling the shackles fall from him; from both of us. We finally became real in that moment.
It wasn’t a secret anymore.
I finally had a boyfriend…
Kyran Harbor was mine.
But that was before he learned that I knew the truth about his past… And no matter how much I tried to convince him that it changed nothing, I could feel him pulling away. Resisting, because he thinks he’s broken.
He’s fucking not. And even if he is, so what?? I’d still do everything in my power to fix him, to make him mine. Because I just want him, broken or not.
I want all his uneven pieces.
It’s official…
I’m a mess.
Hours have passed, and still no word from Kyran.
After I got Guty’s text, I decided I couldn’t possibly just sit around and wait for my flight, so I went to the airport to see if I could get on an earlier one.
I did… The one-thirty. Kyran’s original flight.
I’m guessing I got his seat. Awesome.
Flying home next to Guty and Theo only would have been fun if Kyran was with me. But since he’s not, and I’m now living with the knowledge that he left me and actively doesn’t want to speak with me, it’s pretty much the most awkward thing ever.
I can feel all of Kyran’s teammates watching me as I settle in my seat by the window and the plane takes off, likely speculating about how someone could go from kissing and coming out one day, to being brutally rejected the next.
And not that I want to think about it, because it makes me feel like swallowing my own tongue, but I can’t stop overanalyzing every second of our sex last night as some sort of passionate, devastating goodbye.
In the moment, it felt like we were affirming something. After not fucking for over a week, between all the fighting, the pushing away and the pulling back in, then the love confession… Being inside him last night felt like we were finally home, in the sense that home is wherever we’re together and in love.
Last night was the first time we’ve ever fucked knowing exactly how we both feel about each other. Or so I thought.
But now that I’m overthinking, trapped in a metal box thirty-five thousand feet in the air for hours with nothing but my neuroses, I’m remembering all these subtle nuances in Kyran’s movements, in his voice and the way he whispered that he loves me…
Was he saying goodbye?
Was me finding out the truth about his past too much for him to bear?
I absolutely loathe that thought. He doesn’t need to be alone, pushing down his trauma, and he doesn’t need to be made to feel like he’s broken. He needs to be surrounded by people who love and support him, no matter what.
But we all know Kyran worships control, and now I finally understand why. That miserable, abhorrent experience led him to feel like he has to control every little thing. And I guess that’s easier to do when you’re alone.
“Dude… I thought you weed smokers were supposed to be mellow,” Guty grumbles at my side, and my face shifts. “If you keep wiggling around like that, I might have to rough you up a bit.”
“Sorry…” I sigh out a long breath. “I’m just… so worried about him.”
“I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he just needed some space,” he says, and I squint at him. “No offense.”
I rub my eyes. “I didn’t even bring my weed… I gave up smoking for him.”
Guty’s brow cocks. “Really?” I nod. “Wow…”
“I mean, he didn’t ask me to…” I mutter. “I just don’t wanna be so blazed I miss out on the high of being with him.”
Guty is staring at me. And Theo, who’s sitting on the aisle, slowly lifts his sleeping mask and turns his head to stare at me, too.
“What?” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.
“That’s so fuckin’ sweet.” Theo blinks, a little pout tugging at his lips.
“How did you even hear me?” I grunt, eyeing his headphones.
“I’m in between songs.” He shifts his body in my direction. “Don’t worry. We’ll help you get him back.”
“Yea.” Guty pats my arm. “When we land, come straight to our dorm with me. Hopefully, he’s there.”
I nod, forcing a small grin to show them that I appreciate it. But inside, I’m not placated. Not even a little.
The idea of showing up at Kyran’s dorm when he’s been deliberately ignoring my calls and texts makes me feel like the biggest clingy stalker who can’t get the hint ever.
Coach Matthews peeks at us between the seats. Theo quickly slumps back in his, covering his eyes with his sleep mask. Guty goes back to the movie he’s watching on his iPad.
And I just turn my face to gaze out the window at the clouds engulfing the plane.
Don’t shut me out, Kyran. Let me love you the way I’m supposed to.
I guess I managed to fall asleep for a few hours, because when I reopen my eyes, we’re landing at Logan Airport. The literal second the captain announces that we can turn our phones back on, I’m switching mine out of airplane mode and praying for a response from Kyran.
There isn’t one… But it does appear that he’s read my texts.
I swear to God, it feels like there’s a Mack truck parked on my chest.
Guty elbows me. “Hey… So, um… I got a text from Ky…”
He tilts his phone so I can read the message.
Nueve: Hey bro… I’m really sorry I dipped out without a word. I just have some stuff going on. But I wanted to let you know before you get back and think I abandoned you… I moved my stuff out of the dorm. I’m leaving school… at least for a few weeks. I need to take some time to deal with my personal shit. Just know that I love you like a brother, man. You’re my best friend in the whole world, Samson, I really mean that. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Take care of that trophy for me, long-shot.
The seatbelt around my waist feels like it’s cutting off circulation. Inside the cabin is closing in on me, and I’m choking for air, suffocating.
He left school…?
Moved out of the dorm?
Why would he do that?? What happened, for fuck’s sake?!
Is this all because I found out his secret?? Jesus fucking Christ, if I knew it would make him leave me, I never would’ve even asked Bridget! I would’ve just left it alone and let him deal with it his way, instead of pressing for information and driving him like a high-speed chase right out of my life.
Fuck this… I can’t do this.
I can’t handle this.
The first person I give my heart to, and he runs off with it like a thief in the night.
Guty rubs my back, but I barely feel it. I’m just digging my fingers into my eyes until there are spots in my vision. Partly because I feel a hefty migraine coming on, but also because I don’t want him to see that I might burst into tears.
“Do you want me to… tell him anything?” Guty asks softly. “From you?”
Yea, tell him this is bullshit. That I don’t get it… That I don’t understand why he needs to go—again—when I was fucking begging him to stay. Again.
Ask him if he really loves me, then why is he ripping my fucking heart out of my chest??
Of course, I don’t say any of that. I just give my head a somber shake.
Because if Kyran doesn’t want to speak to me, doesn’t want to respond and explain this shit to me, then I guess there’s nothing left to say.
Once we’re off the plane, I say goodbye to Guty and Theo, ignoring the pitying looks on their faces. I’m outside waiting for my Uber when my phone rings. And naturally, my heart leaps up against my tonsils for a second until I see that it’s my mom.
“Hey, Mom,” I mumble, pulling my hoodie tighter around me. Going from seventy-five degrees to fifteen is a nice shock to accompany the rest. “I just got off the plane… I was gonna call you—”
“Aviel, what is going on??” she barks, sounding worried.
And now I’m even more worried.
Oh jeez… Did she hear about Kyran and me kissing from someone?? I totally forgot about all that…
“What… what do you mean?” I play dumb, waving down my Uber driver as he pulls up along the curb.
“Kyran just came to the house and dropped off a bunch of his stuff,” she huffs. “He said he’s taking a break from school for some personal reasons, and he wouldn’t tell me what they were.”
My head is spinning as I get into the car, clutching my bag on my lap, a spike in adrenaline causing me to tell the driver, “Hey, is it okay if I change the destination to 538 Summer Street in Somerville? I’ll pay you cash for the difference.”
The driver nods, fiddling with the navigation on his phone.
“Is he still there?” I ask my mom, my gut bunching up into a knot.
“No, he left,” she sighs uneasily, and my eyes fall shut. “And he wouldn’t tell me where he was going… Avi, did something happen?? Why would he be leaving school?”
“Mom, I’m coming over,” I tell her calmly, though I’m feeling anything but. “We need to talk. Is Tom there?”
“No, he’s at work.”
“Good. I’ll see you in a few.”
God, this hurts.
This hurts real damn bad.
I’m upstairs in Kyran’s bedroom, at our house in Somerville… the house that was Kyran’s before it was mine. The house that I moved into, encroaching on his territory.
I used to think he hated me for that reason. Because he didn’t want to share his father’s affections with a new wife and her son, who was infinitely different from him in so many ways. I thought he hated me because I was the opposite of him; poor and artsy, bad at sports, with a love of laughing things off when they get too serious. And maybe that part was true…
Maybe that is why he hated me, or at least why he pretended to. Because I remind him of how he used to be. How he could have been, if some deranged, disgusting pervert hadn’t stolen his youth.
But being in here now, I don’t feel any of that hate. The memories of him picking on me in school, of us bickering and fighting over the bathroom, of him using his words to hurt me as best he could… they’re not upsetting. In fact, they bring a smile to my lips. Because it’s how we started. As reluctant stepbrothers, before any of the rest of it.
We were brothers. And that’s what fills me with sadness, anger, and despair.
The fact that all along, my brother was dealing with something so detrimentally fucked up… And I had no idea.
Picking up one of his sweatshirts, I hold it up to my face and breathe in deep. The smell of him lingering in the fabric is like a sledgehammer to my already broken heart.
I have a candle that smells like you…
I hear his voice in my head, and I have to stop before I collapse.
The new memories in here are much fresher than the ones of him hating me. Like Christmas Eve. Holding his hand and kissing him, fooling around with him on a bed where I’m sure he used to curse my existence. The night we shared in my room… I can still see him moving on me. I can feel his hands touching me and his lips dragging along my neck.
We became more in that moment, without cameras filming or obligations or money on our minds. We fell together in pure passion, and spent the whole night getting to know each other. Finally.
After years of being in each other’s lives… that night was when the blinders came off.
When we realized it wasn’t actually for the fans.
“Avi.” My mom peeks into the room, watching me closely. “We should talk. Before Tom gets home.”
Nodding, I toss the sweatshirt down with the rest of his things, following her up the hall to her bedroom. My eyes scan the room, and the one thing that sticks out is a suitcase on the floor. I squint at it, but say nothing, taking a seat next to my mother on the bed.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” she asks, her eyes sparkling concern. “Honestly, I feel like you’ve been slipping away from me lately, Aviel. And maybe it’s my fault too… We used to be so close, and now you’re just…” She shakes her head, dropping her gaze to her lap.
I hate making her feel this way. I don’t want her to think I’m hiding things from her. Or that I’m pulling away.
“Mom, I just need to tell you some things,” I start with a breath. “And the reason why I didn’t tell you before is because I was still figuring it out. And it’s… complicated.”
“More complicated than getting kicked out of school for making porn?” She cocks a dark eyebrow, and I huff.
“Okay, porn is sort of glorifying it.” I roll my eyes. “It’s an OnlyFans.”
“I don’t know what the hell that means, but if you’re recording videos of you having sex… that’s porn.” She gives me a stern look.
Point well made, Mom.
“So it kinda started with the… porn.” I shift in my seat. “I realized that I think I like guys too…” I shake my head. “I mean, I know that I do. Back then I thought, but now I know. I’m bisexual.”
Exhaling to stop my awkward rambles, my eyes swoop over to my mother, and she’s staring at me, brows raised.
“Okay…” she says, leaning forward. “And?”
“Oh… uh… alright.” I clear my throat. “I just thought you might need to digest that for a second. But I guess not.”
“Aviel, I’m so happy that you’re telling me.” She rubs my arm. “I’m proud of you for being so brave. But it’s not something I would need to process. I just love you. Who you love doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy with them.”
I gulp, my lips curving into a soft grin. “Thanks, Mom. I love you too.”
“Are you forgetting that your uncle Elijah is gay?” she asks, blinking at me. “And your father’s brother, Dominic.”
“No, I didn’t forget about Uncle Eli…” I mumble. “But I didn’t know about Uncle Dom…”
“Well, Elijah came out to me when he was fourteen, so I don’t appreciate you thinking I’m some old-fashioned person who wouldn’t understand,” she grumbles like she’s annoyed with me, and I have to chuckle.
“Trust me, Ma, I know you’re not old-fashioned whatsoever.” I grin at her and she smiles back. “But hold that thought, because here’s where it gets a little tricky…”
Her eyes are wide as I take a deep breath and puff out the words.
“Kyran and I have been…” That’s all I get before I pause to clear my throat again. “Together.”
Her brows zip, and she tilts her head. “Really?” I nod. “For how long?”
Biting on the inside of my cheek, I squirm a little. “About three months.”
Watching her face, it looks like a lot of things are dawning on her right now. “So that’s why you two have been getting along lately. I should have known something was up! You couldn’t stop staring at each other when you were here.”
“I’m sorry…” I shift to face her. “I know it’s weird because he’s Tom’s son. But I… I just…”
“You love him?” she asks softly, and I nod glumly. “I can tell, sweetheart. I’ve never seen you like this… all torn up over someone. I’ve been waiting for it to happen.”
She’s grinning, looking all excited for me, but I can’t help rolling my eyes.
“Thanks, Mom. I really love feeling this way,” I grunt out the sarcasm.
“Well, what happened? Did you have a fight?”
“No, that’s just it. Everything was going great. He killed it at the game, and then we were at the party afterward and he told his teammates about us. It finally felt like we were a real couple. But then he took off… He left me in California without a word. He won’t answer my calls or texts… and now he’s left school.”
My mom stares at me for a moment, as if she knows I’m holding something back. “Aviel… please be honest with me. Is Kyran the one you’ve been making those videos with?”
My fingers twist in my lap, severe discomfort making me fidgety.
Oh God… This is weird. This is super weird.
I don’t want my mom to know Kyran and I have been fucking on camera.
“Avi…” she scoffs and shakes her head. “I really can’t with you.”
I give her one of my innocent looks, batting my eyelashes. “I swear I didn’t do anything too bad, Mama.”
“You’re too much, son of mine…” she breathes.
“But I’m telling you… if it weren’t for making those videos, we might never have…” My voice trails. “I mean, you know he always hated me before. So it was like it… brought us together. And now I love him, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She wraps her arm around me, pulling me into her side. “You know what they say… there’s a fine line between love and hate. I bet Kyran was only ever mean to you because he cared for you, and he was scared.”
I nod. “I think so…”
“Do you think that’s why he left?”
My chest grows tight, and I consider what to tell her. I know it’s not my place to share Kyran’s secret. That’s kind of what got us into this whole mess in the first place. But I’m worried about him…
Plus, my mother is married to his awful father. The guy who brushed off his sexual abuse like it was nothing. She deserves to know who she’s married to.
“Mom, did Tom ever mention anything to you about why Kyran stopped going to church?” I ask her carefully.
My mother’s eyes widen, a nervous glint in them, as if she knows I’m about to tell her something awful.
“No… In fact, he’s very secretive about a lot of things,” she breathes, her eyes flinging to the suitcase on the floor. “Aviel, I’m leaving him. We’re getting a divorce. I just can’t handle the secrecy anymore.”
Whaaat…? My jaw drops. I didn’t expect that.
“He never once kept me in the loop about his financial troubles. And a few weeks ago, I found a statement in his desk drawer, for a trust in Kyran’s name. It contains over a million dollars.”
I gulp, digging my fingers into my thighs.
“When I asked him about it, he said it was Kyran’s money, and that he knows Kyran will never use it, or let anyone else use it. The way he said it made it seem like he’s tried to get Kyran to sign it over to him, but he wouldn’t.”
My teeth grind together, disdain for this horrendous man slinking through my extremities. “He didn’t tell you where the money came from…?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “And I’m just sick of it, Avi. This man is not who he portrays himself to be.”
“No… He’s not.” I sigh. “Look, I really can’t tell you the details, but I think Kyran left because of something that happened to him… when he was twelve. Something that Tom helped to cover up by denying it and making his own son feel worthless.”
My mother’s eyes shine with sorrow. “Was it something… bad?” I nod slowly. “Something to do with the church…?” I nod again, and she covers her face. “Dear God…”
Hearing those two words, in this moment… it just rubs me wrong. All the rage I’ve been stuffing down since finding out the truth rushes right up to the surface.
Shooting off the bed, I glare down at her. “How can you even say His name?? There is no God, Mom, don’t you get that?! What kind of God would allow something like that to happen… by one of his anointed fucking flock?! It’s bullshit!”
I’m heaving for breath while my mom just stares up at me, allowing me to vent it all out. All my confusion, pain, and anger toward this infinite being who doesn’t give two shits about us.
“God doesn’t exist,” I seethe. “And if He does, He’s pure evil. He’s a sick, fucked-up excuse for someone who’s supposed to love the righteous and condemn the damned. Instead, it’s the other way around. Innocent children get tortured by His people and he just lets it happen! Forces them to live with it, alone and scared.”
My face falls into my hands to cover the tears that are filling my eyes.
And then I feel my mother stand, her arms cradling me, caressing me softly while she shushes my cries. Just like she did when my father died…
When I told her I would never worship any God ever again.
“Mom, he’s out there… thinking he has to deal with this by himself and he doesn’t,” I whimper. “Your asshole husband made him feel that way. God made him feel that way. I love him and I just want him…” I’m sputtering for air; I can barely speak through my choked sobs. “I want him to be okay. I want him to know he didn’t deserve that.” I shake my head. “Evil stuff happens to good people because God doesn’t care.”
“Aviel…” she whispers, brushing her fingers through my hair. “You know that there are many reasons why I left Israel when I was a girl. I’ve never believed that our religious beliefs do God any kind of justice. Why would they? We’re taught from the time we’re children to fear God, worship Him no matter what, and take these old texts written by men from thousands of years ago as gospel. It makes no sense.
“Real faith should be open to interpretation. But many people don’t feel that way. They’re the same people who choose sides in wars, the same people who shout about blasphemy and heresy, but then turn around and do awful, deplorable things. Religion has spread more hate in this world than love, and that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever experienced.”
My shoulders shudder as I struggle to breathe, and she just caresses my hair.
“When I was nine, your uncle Elijah left home. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was because he was gay, and was experiencing prejudice within the community. So when I was old enough, I left myself and went to live with him. And he used to say a lot of the things I’ve heard you say just now… About how God hates us, about the hypocrisy and the widespread deception. He used to call organized religion a cult. He still does.”
She pauses to chuckle fondly. “But one day, when I was sixteen and your uncle was nineteen, we decided to take a boat out. In the Middle East, the weather is purely beautiful in the fall, so we thought it would be fun. Just a small boat, sailing along the coast. We’d done it before.
“Anyway, we were only about a mile out when the engine died on us. We had ores, but still, we were nervous. And then, the rain came. Now, rain is uncommon as it… and the way it was coming down… it was bizarre. It was flooding us, waves whipping around. We were sure we were going to capsize. And the storm… it felt like it was mirroring your uncle’s anger. The way the waves were crashing and sending us tumbling about. The sea was raging the way he had been for years.
“And in that moment, I looked at him. I took his hands, and he held mine. And we didn’t speak, but we just knew. We knew that He knew. He felt it… our anger and frustration, with our families and the state of things back home. It was shared. He wasn’t doing it to us, He was living it with us. And as soon as that became known, it felt like the rain was washing it all away… cleansing us.”
I blink at my mother, inherently skeptical, because it’s hard not to be. But I can see in her eyes that this is something she truly believes.
This was a moment that changed her.
“The rain stopped abruptly,” she says, her lips curving into a smile. “And when we looked up, all you could see were stars. Millions of them, covering the entire sky.” She holds me in close. “Aviel, God is not some old, bearded man sitting up in the sky, punishing us when we’re bad. God is love, and laughter and light. God is the good things, and the bad. He… They, I should say, are the Earth and the stars and the vast openness of an existence we’re only a small fraction of.”
Tears roll down my cheeks, and she swipes them away with her fingers. “God is faith, Avi. Faith in yourself, as a part of the world as it turns. And for all the hate, and sickness and despair we experience, there are equal parts love and joy. You just have to look up.”
Releasing a heavy breath feels like I’m expelling the negativity inside. I hug my mother tight, letting her console me the way she did when I was boy…
Because she’s right. I know she is.
Good people get hurt, bad ones walk free, and things just happen. Chaos within an infinite, spiraling cosmic circus. The only thing we can do is have faith in us, find beauty in the pain, and laugh as much as possible.
No matter what Kyran feels he needs to do to get himself past the torment he holds, I won’t give up on us. I’ll never stop chasing him while he runs.
And hopefully he knows that when he shows back up, I’ll always open the door.
