Burning hot water assaulted my skin as I curled up on the shower floor, my arms tightly wrapped around my knees. I had turned the temperature up as high as it could go, not caring that my skin was pink and stinging. All I cared about was feeling clean, but deep down, I knew nothing could rid me of the sensation of the cold metal table and their hands on my skin.
I’d been disoriented and panicked when I woke this morning, a nightmare I couldn’t quite remember clawing at the edges of my mind. Ben, Cam, and Theo spent hours cuddled up with me in bed, murmuring sweet words as I tried to shake the nightmare’s hold. Their touches were careful, as if they thought I would break.
With every touch, my shame grew into an uncomfortable tightness in my chest. When it became too much to handle, I told them I wanted to shower alone. They resisted at first, but I insisted, extracting myself from my nest and heading to the bathroom.
The moment the bathroom door clicked shut, it took everything in me to stop myself from running back into the bedroom and demanding that they hold me.
Stupid, needy omega. So weak you can’t even take a shower by yourself.
A small whimper escaped my lips, but I fisted my hands, steeled my limbs, and forced myself to walk to the shower. I needed to create distance to prepare for their inevitable rejection.
Their inner alphas were urging them to protect me right now, but soon they would come to their senses. They hadn’t signed up for a fucked-up omega they couldn’t even bond. They deserved better.
I curled tighter into myself, feeling painfully exposed in the large shower that was made to fit an entire pack. My omega whined at me to return to my nest and my alphas. I ignored her, imagining stuffing her into a small box, wrapping the box in chains, and throwing it into the depths of the ocean. She was the reason for my suffering. Being an omega was nothing but a curse.
Steam filled my lungs, and I gasped as I endured the onslaught of the scalding water. I scrubbed my skin raw with a washcloth, freezing when I brushed up against the soaking-wet bandage Theo had wrapped around my wound. I ripped it off, needing to face what they had done to me. I ran my finger over the fresh scab. This device was larger than the first, and I could feel its bump in my skin. I choked on a half scream, half sob, as I started clawing at it.
“Josie! What’s going on?” Cam’s panicked voice carried through the bathroom door.
I opened my mouth to respond, but a strangled sob was all that came out.
“That’s it, I’m coming in,” he growled. I braced myself for a loud crash, expecting Cam to kick down the door, but he just turned the handle and eased it open.
The second his eyes landed on me, I burst into tears.
“Oh, baby girl.” He sounded broken.
Cam opened the glass shower door and swore as he felt the water, immediately turning the temperature down.
“Fuck, you’re burning yourself,” he said, his eyes flashing with fear.
He snagged the handheld shower and tenderly rinsed my skin with cool water.
“No, need to get clean,” I sobbed, trying to reach the water controls.
Cam gently gathered my hands in his. “You are clean, Josie,” he almost whispered, his voice hoarse as he turned off the water and wrapped me in a towel.
“Dirty,” I choked out, flinching away from him.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asked in a horrified voice, immediately removing his hands from the towel and scooting back.
See, he doesn’t want to touch you.
Dirty dirty dirty.
“You should go,” I said, turning away from him and pressing my face against the cold tile.
“Baby girl, I would never hurt you. Please believe me.” Cam’s voice hitched, despair twisting his scent.
My omega was screaming to throw myself into his arms, to soak up all the comfort I could and soothe him in return.
“If you’re going to reject me, please just do it now,” I said flatly as I tamped down my desire to be held.
Every good thing I’d ever had in my life had been taken from me. I needed to be prepared for the same to happen with my alphas. They would leave me, and I would be back where I was before we met—leading a lonely, fearful life cut off from almost everyone.
“What?” Cam’s voice echoed through the bathroom. “What are you talking about?”
“You deserve better.” My throat felt swollen as if the words were fighting me, unwilling to be spoken out loud.
There was a long silence broken only by the soft drip drip of water.
I held my breath. This was it, the moment he realized they were all better off without me.
“Okay, baby girl, there are a lot of twisted thoughts running through your head right now. I know you’re probably not going to believe me, but I’ll say it, anyway. I will never reject you. I will never stop loving you. You are stuck with me, with all of us.”
He was right—I didn’t believe him. I kept my cheek pressed into the tiled shower wall, refusing to turn around.
“Can I hold you?” Cam asked hesitantly. Before I could gather my thoughts and tell him to leave, I found myself nodding.
He engulfed me in his arms so quickly it was as if he knew I was on the verge of changing my mind. My back pressed against his chest as he pulled me onto his lap. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating how perfect it felt to be held by him.
Cam rocked me back and forth, his face pressed against my wet hair. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. So sorry this happened. I’ll do anything I can to make it right.”
I leaned into his chest on pure instinct and then clenched my jaw when I realized what I’d done. I needed to fight my omega’s desires. She urged me to get closer, to wrap my arms around him and scent mark his throat. But I couldn’t trust her, couldn’t do what she wanted.
We sat on the shower floor until a shiver rocked through me, the cool air hitting my damp skin. Cam dried me off and dressed me before bundling me up in a blanket. I retreated further into myself.
It hurt too much to feel.
I hid behind the solid brick wall I’d built in my mind.
And I stayed there.
