I kept my breathing even so my alphas would think I was asleep, but my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I shifted enough so I could see the clock on the nightstand. Three o’clock in the morning. My emotions clawed at my chest, and I wished I could return to the numbness I’d felt before talking with Sam. I didn’t want to feel my body right now. Didn’t want to feel anything.
Silent tears streamed down my face as I tried to force myself to stay still, but the need to move, to release this emotional pain, was overwhelming. I sat up, my breathing quickening.
“Baby girl?” Cam’s voice was low and sleepy, and I cursed myself for waking him. I didn’t want them to feel obligated to take care of me.
You’re so weak. Why are you like this? Pathetic. Useless.
I clenched my jaw, trying to come up with anything to help me argue against the cruel voice in my head, but there was nothing. Maybe the voice was right. I’d been fooling myself all along to think I could live a different life. I should have known the moment Glen set his sights on me years ago that I would never have a happy ending. And here I was, dragging three of the most loving and caring alphas down into hell with me.
Cam sat up and pulled me into his lap before I realized what was happening, and Ben and Theo shifted closer to us.
“No!” I whined, pushing against his chest. Cam let go immediately. I shuffled on my hands and knees to the foot of the bed.
“I need to be alone,” I blurted out, practically tumbling out of bed and landing on the soft rug.
Someone turned on a lamp. The glow felt like an uncomfortable spotlight, and I averted my eyes.
“You need your rest, precious,” Ben said softly, peering over the edge of the bed.
“Did you have a bad dream?” Theo asked, his voice tight.
“I just need some time alone,” I said, crawling towards the door. Why were my limbs not working? I could barely keep my arms underneath me.
Weak. Weak. Weak.
“Sweetheart,” Cam pleaded.
I forced myself not to turn around, forced myself to keep going. Once I got to the door, I used the wall to help pull myself up.
“Just go back to sleep,” I said, pulling the door open and shutting it behind me.
I slumped against the door and took a shuddering breath, waiting to see how my alphas would react. I expected them to open the door and demand that I return to bed. Maybe they would pull me into their arms, cuddle me, and force me to tell them how I was feeling.
But there was silence.
A sob burst from my chest.
I took off down the hallway in a frantic jog, trying to figure out where to go. Maybe I should leave? It wasn’t like I had anywhere to go, but at least my alphas would be protected if I left. I could take one of the cars in the garage and just drive. But then… what would happen if I got caught? I’d be arrested and who knew what would happen to them?
I squeezed my hands on the sides of my head as my panicked, racing thoughts screamed at me. I kept moving my feet. I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew I had to keep moving.
Finally, I stopped and looked around, realizing I had followed Cam’s scent to the basement level. The door to the gym was straight ahead. I took a deep breath as I flipped the light switch. Maybe this is what I needed.
I approached the black punching bag and started hitting it, the leather stinging my hands with each hit. My punches barely shifted the bag, which filled me with rage. I let out a frustrated growl and hit harder, reveling in the pain shooting through my knuckles.
The low creak of the door let me know I wasn’t alone, but I refused to look up.
“Josie,” Cam’s voice said softly from behind me.
“I’m not going back to bed,” I said, keeping my focus on the bag. If I looked at him right now, I would fall apart.
“That’s your choice, sweetheart. But if you’re going to use the bag, I need you to wear gloves.”
“I’m fine,” I said stubbornly.
I went to punch the bag again, but instead of hitting leather, my fist landed in Cam’s outstretched hand.
I met his gaze with a scowl.
“Gloves are non-negotiable,” he said with an infuriating calm, gently rubbing my tender, red knuckles.
I ripped my hand out of his and saw him flinch before covering his reaction with a mask of calm.
“I said I wanted to be alone,” I snapped. I turned away from Cam and froze when I saw Theo and Ben standing by the gym door.
I let out a shriek, feeling trapped under their watchful gazes.
Theo lurched towards me, arms out as if to pull me into an embrace, but then stopped himself.
“Precious…” Ben said, his eyes wide.
“Don’t call me that!” I shouted, moving away from the three of them until my back hit the wall.
“Why not?” Ben almost whispered.
“Because I’m not! I’m not precious. You shouldn’t be around me anymore. I’m tainted.”
The three of them growled, and my body urged me to submit.
“Don’t say that,” Cam snapped, his jaw clenched. “You. Are. Not. Tainted.”
“Yes, I am! I have this… again…” I gestured to my arm, unable to look at the bandage Theo had so tenderly placed there earlier. I didn’t think it even needed to be bandaged anymore, but it made me feel cared for, and my omega couldn’t fucking resist his care. I hated her for it.
“That doesn’t mean you’re tainted,” Ben said, taking a few hesitant steps towards me. “You are precious, Josie.”
“No! You don’t get it!” My breaths were coming faster now, and I was growing lightheaded. “Use your bark on me,” I demanded, looking at Cam. “Do it.”
This was the only way I could prove how damaged I was. If they had to see it to understand, so be it.
“Baby girl,” he said softly. “I don’t want to do that to you. I would never force you.”
“But you have to do it. You have to see for yourselves,” I responded, clawing at my upper arms without realizing what I was doing.
“Josie, angel, don’t hurt yourself,” Theo pleaded, his gaze fixed on the deep scratches reddening my skin.
“Then do it!” I shrieked.
Cam looked like he was in pain, but finally, in the softest, gentlest voice I’d ever heard from him, he barked, “Sit down.”
My body complied immediately. There was no chance to resist, nothing in me that could fight the command.
Nausea churned in my stomach. This was so different from the previous device. The old one had put me in a trance-like state where I couldn’t remember anything that happened, but it was time-limited. Once I woke from the trance, I knew it would be a while before they could do it again. I’d never understood why they couldn’t use the device all the time, but it had been something to hold on to. I didn’t know which was worse—the agonizing fear of not knowing what they’d done to me or being fully aware but never having a reprieve from alpha control. All my work trying to fight alpha barks was useless now.
“Again,” I said, unable to meet Cam’s tortured gaze.
“Sweetheart…” he said, moving towards me.
I scooted away from him.
His jaw flexed and he looked away. Ben and Theo were standing on either side of him. Ben had tears streaming down his face.
“Do it again!” I shouted, panic rushing through me.
“Stand up.” Cam infused his whisper with his bark.
Immediately, I was on my feet. I stood, frozen in place, my arms and legs shaking. I felt like I was losing my mind, losing my connection with my body. How could this be happening again? White-hot rage filled me as Glen’s smug face popped into my mind. I let out a scream and ran to the side of the room with free weights. I started throwing the lighter dumbbells. They hit the padded floor with dissatisfying thumps.
See how pathetic you are?
I screamed at the cruel voice, my hand clawing at the bandage on my arm.
Suddenly, Cam was in front of me, grasping my hands in his.
“Let me go!” I shrieked.
“Can’t let you hurt yourself,” he said, steel and agony in his voice.
I ripped my hands out of his and pushed him. He didn’t move an inch, which fueled my fury. I pushed him again and started banging my fists against his chest.
“That’s it, baby girl. Hit me. I can take it,” Cam said gently.
Tears blurred my vision and my sobs filled the room.
“It’s not fair,” I cried, hitting Cam’s chest again. “Not fair.”
My hits came slower until my arms were too heavy to lift. I collapsed against Cam, who caught me tight against his body. My chest heaved with sobs and my legs could no longer hold my weight. Cam’s arms stayed locked around my back, the only thing keeping me from collapsing.
Ben and Theo moved in behind me, the heat of their bodies burning against my back. All three of my alphas were purring, the gentle vibrations moving through my body as my sobs slowed. I inhaled and allowed their scents to calm my nervous system.
Theo gently grasped my hand, examining whatever damage I had done. He placed gentle kisses on each knuckle and the palm of my hand before moving so he could tend to the other one. Ben skimmed his lips and nose down my cheeks, breathing in deeply.
And Cam just stood, solid, unmoving, with his arms around me, holding me as I fell apart.
I didn’t know how much time passed before Cam shifted his hands to my thighs and picked me up. I automatically wrapped my arms and legs around him.
“Need to take care of your hands,” he grunted.
I pressed my face to his neck and closed my eyes as he carried me through the house before settling down on the sectional in the den. I jumped as something cold pressed against my hand.
“Sorry, love, it’s just an ice pack,” Theo said, kissing me on the cheek before moving to my other side and pressing another ice pack on my knuckles.
I cracked my eyes open and took in Theo’s furrowed brow.
“Don’t do that again,” he said sternly, meeting my gaze. “You’re not allowed to hurt yourself.”
“My hands are fine,” I responded. The skin only stung a little. I’d felt worse after self-defense class.
“Don’t even try to dissuade his fussing,” Ben said, running his hand through my hair.
Theo just grunted and continued examining my hands. It was absurd that he was so upset about some redness on my knuckles when I had a fucking mind-control device implanted in my arm. But maybe Theo needed to feel in control of something just as much as I did. I rubbed my nose along Cam’s neck, breathing in his scent as Theo moved to tend to the scratches on my arm.
Ben kissed my cheek before getting up from the couch. I whimpered, reaching out to get him to come back.
“Just getting some snacks, precious.”
“Not hungry,” I said.
“Uh huh,” Ben replied, already halfway to the kitchen.
“Don’t even try to dissuade him,” Theo said, repeating Ben’s words. He raised a brow and mouthed the word “fussing.” I felt my mouth turn up in the smallest of smiles.
Ben returned, settling in next to me and holding out a piece of a cinnamon roll. I opened my mouth to tell him I didn’t need anything to eat when my stomach growled. He raised his eyebrow, and I begrudgingly ate the pastry out of his hand. Ben rewarded me with a radiant smile. I ate a few more bites before refusing more, my stomach still feeling unsettled.
I rested my face against Cam’s chest, and he tightened his hold.
Suddenly, I remembered what I had done in the gym. I hit Cam. My brain had been in such a haze I hadn’t realized what I was doing.
I jolted upright with a gasp.
“Did I hurt you?” I asked Cam, my lower lip trembling.
“What?” he asked, furrowing his brow.
“Earlier when I… hit you.” My voice was a whisper, and my cheeks burned with shame.
“No, baby girl,” Cam said, running his hand soothingly down my back. “You didn’t hurt me. And even if you had, I wouldn’t have minded.”
I lifted his shirt, needing to see if he was telling me the truth. I ran my hands down the planes of his abs, trying to find any marks I may have left. There was nothing there.
“You sure?” I asked, tears falling down my face.
“I’m sure,” he responded, tugging me back so I was flush against his chest. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Didn’t hurt me. My incredible, gorgeous, brilliant omega.” He kept murmuring sweet words, easing my panic.
“I’m sorry I lost it,” I whispered.
“Don’t apologize,” Theo said, cupping the back of my neck. “But no more retreating. You have us to lean on.”
Tears blurred my vision again and all I could do was nod.
“Do you want to go back to bed?” Ben asked, glancing at the clock.
I hesitated. “Is it okay if we stay here?” I was still too anxious to sleep, worried about who would find me in my dreams.
“Of course,” Ben said, cupping my face with his hand. “Want to watch a movie or something?”
I nodded and leaned into Ben’s touch. Some background distraction was exactly what I needed.
“How about the next movie in that vampire series?” Cam suggested.
Ben’s lips quirked and I pulled away so I could look at Cam.
“You want to watch Breaking Dawn?” I asked, a slow smile spreading across my face.
To my amazement, Cam’s cheeks tinged with pink.
“No, just thought you might want to watch it,” he mumbled, averting his gaze.
Theo snorted.
“I don’t know, precious,” Ben drawled. “I think Cam is dying to see Bella and Edward’s wedding.”
“Fuck off,” Cam told Ben.
“You must really love me if you’re willing to watch Twilight for me,” I said.
My tone was teasing, but after the words were out, a truth settled in my chest. “You love me,” I said, looking at each of my alphas, my eyes welling with tears. At this point, I wasn’t sure how I still had liquid left in my body.
“Of course we love you,” Theo said fiercely. He pulled me out of Cam’s arms and settled me sideways across his lap. “How is that even a question?”
“Now you made him cranky,” Ben said, squeezing my leg. “But he’s right. It’s never a question. We love you now, always, and forever.”
A little purr of happiness sprang from my chest as I pressed a kiss to Theo’s neck.
“Now, let’s watch this terrible fucking movie that Cam loves,” Theo said.
I let out a shocked giggle, amazed that Theo could crack a joke right now. I met his gaze and he winked at me, and that, more than anything, made me feel like things might be okay again.
