I wake up safe and sound in my bed between Gabe and North, the nightmare still clinging to my mind, a cold sweat drenching my body and my heart beating so hard that I feel as though it’s trying to crack my ribs open and escape my chest.
“I’m gonna puke,” I say out loud as I scramble over bodies, not really caring where my limbs are ending up, and lurching towards the bathroom.
I don’t bother shutting the door, mostly because I know I’m not going to be alone for long. Even though it’s incredibly shameful to be puking my guts up in front of them all, I know it’s inevitable. As I vomit uncontrollably, a cold, wet washcloth presses over my forehead and my hair is twisted away from my face. Another set of strong hands strokes down my back in a comforting gesture, soothing me as the retching continues until I’m a shaking and miserable mess.
I don’t know what the nightmare was about.
I don’t have any clear memories of any of it, only the fear clinging to my bones and the way that my stomach revolts against it all. My bond doesn’t register that I’m in any danger, but it’s quiet in my chest, a grave, solemn sort of quiet.
It knows what the nightmare was about.
“What happened, my Bonded?” North murmurs to me as the retching finally stops, and he reaches over to pull me into his chest.
Gabe flushes the toilet and grabs the washcloth again to wipe my face down before moving away. Atlas stands by the door, clutching the frame and staring at me as though he’s seen a ghost, but I tuck my head under North’s chin and cling to him as the panic slowly recedes out of my veins.
“It was a nightmare. I don’t know. I don’t know—” I stop as my voice cracks, and I press my face into his neck again, tucking myself into him even more.
I’m probably hurting him, clinging so hard, but his arms are like bands of steel around me as he pulls me in closer, as though he would happily tuck me inside of his skin if he could.
I try to take in his strength, but all I feel is hollow… and terrified.
“Gryphon’s already gone down to the Tac Training Center. Do you need me to call him back?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to go back to sleep, but I’m okay now.”
“You’re definitely not okay,” Atlas grumbles, but North stands up with me still in his arms as though I weigh nothing and carries me back to the bed.
When he realizes there is a wet spot where I had been lying, my sweat soaking through my clothes and drenching the sheets underneath me, he makes an unhappy noise and hands me off to Atlas with directions to sit down while he fixes the situation. I don’t really care about some sweaty sheets, but North has always been very particular about the ways that he fusses over me. I already know that if I don’t get up and change my pajamas myself, he’s just going to do it for me once he’s done with the linen.
Atlas follows me into the closet and helps me into some dry, clean clothes when it’s clear that my limbs are shaking too much still to be of much use. Then he holds me up as I brush my teeth in the bathroom. Gabe comes in with a bottle of water from the kitchen and hands it to me as soon as I’m done with my teeth.
It’s the first time I’ve really seen them all working together on something solely for me, something that makes me feel as though I’m the center of their worlds the same way that they’re all the center of mine.
I start to tremble all over again.
When I hand the water back to Gabe with a shaky smile, he cups my cheeks with one of his big hands, a frown over his face. “You don’t remember any of it at all?”
I shake my head, and the two of them share a look in the mirror.
My stomach drops. “What? You both think I’m going crazy, don’t you?”
Gabe frowns at me and cups my cheek again, pulling me back into his chest for a hug as his thumb traces my cheek.
I feel a little better having had a physical connection with all three of them, and I know that if I could touch Gryphon and Nox as well, I would probably be fine to go back to sleep again.
Not that Nox would let me.
My heart does a weird thump in my chest before it races again, the panic coming back. I purposefully direct my thoughts away from my Bonded who still would rather not be near me, not needing anything else to upset me right now while I’m so fragile, for no apparent reason.
“Do you know what your third Gift is?” Gabe murmurs out of nowhere, and I glance back up at him.
“Yes. Why?”
He looks a little rueful, but Atlas answers me nonetheless. “Your mom dreamt of things to come. We were both worried that you were going to say no, and we were about to be forced into a whole new search for information about what that Gift could possibly be. You have to agree that we’re kind of at our max for that sort of shit at the moment, Sweetness.”
I don’t want to talk about my third Gift.
I shake my head. “I’ve never had a dream like that before. I’ve had nightmares, plenty after I left the Resistance, but I always knew what I dreamt of. It’s like there’s nothing in my head.”
They share another look, and I try not to feel irritated at either of them, I’ve clearly rattled them both this morning. I can’t blame them for the friendship that they’ve struck up. “Just say it, whatever it is. I don’t need the two of you tiptoeing around me.”
Gabe pulls away from me and looks down at me. “Well, Sage couldn’t remember a single thing about the asshole who got into her head and forced her to kill Dara. What if someone was trying to get into your head? Maybe your bond got them out, and it woke you up.”
Shit.
Well, Goddamn.
I sigh and walk back into the bedroom right as North is bundling up the dirty linens and heading into the bathroom to leave them in the laundry hamper in there. We must have some sort of cleaning service that I’m blissfully unaware of, because the hamper is always magically empty in the afternoon when I get back here, but I’ve yet to see any of the guys point out where the laundry is.
I sit down on the edge of the bed and shut my eyes to check in with my bond, hopeful, but not really expecting any clear answers.
Did someone try to get into our head last night?
It takes a second to answer me. No.
Do you know what I dreamt about?
Yes.
I want to scream. Is there any chance of you being even slightly helpful to me right now and telling me what is going on so that we don’t end up on some useless mission for no reason?
You ventured into one of your Bonded’s heads… the ‘astral projection’ as the Dark Bonded One called it. You ventured into his head, and I’m making sure that you don’t remember what you saw there. I’m respecting a Bonded’s wishes.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I know exactly what happened, and there’s no way I can tell Atlas or Gabe about it, not without a whole lot of fallout and arguing.
I keep my eyes closed so that neither of them realize what I’m doing, but I reach out to North by myself. My bond said I projected into Nox’s head accidentally while I was sleeping. I saw something there, and she is keeping it from me so that he doesn’t get upset about it.
North walks back into the bedroom with a furious look on his face, but it isn’t directed at me. I already know without a word between us that it’s more about whatever it is that happened to his brother than it is about me overstepping.
He directs a stern look at Gabe and Atlas. “You two can go down to the Tac Training Center. Gryphon was going to let you sleep in, but if you’re awake, you might as well get back to training.”
Both of them look as if they might argue with him, but I climb back into the middle of the bed without a word and they both seem to realize that I need some space and that North is just slipping back into his usual bossy demeanor to get it for me.
Once they’re both out of the house fully, North climbs onto the bed after me. He’s wearing nothing but a silky pair of boxer shorts and that same frown on his face.
I feel guilty as hell.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
He answers without hesitation, “I know, Bonded. I know that the girl who wouldn’t look into Atlas’ memories because you were respecting his boundaries, even when there was a chance he was betraying us all, would never cross that line. I just don’t know how Nox is going to take this… if he already knows about it. If he doesn’t, then we can never tell him.”
I don’t like the idea of lying like that to him about something so important, but North has a much better view of the situation, and I trust his opinion.
I nod and then duck my head back into his chest, lying down fully with him and letting the steady beat of his heart underneath my ear lull me back into a sense of peace.
North is silent for a long time but then when he speaks, his voice is a low rumble beneath my cheek. “His nightmare would have pulled you in. If we’re going to stop this from happening again, we need to make sure that he’s not sleeping at the same time as you are, because the only way to get him to sleep without dreaming is for him to go to sleep intoxicated. I can’t have him turning into an alcoholic again. None of us can live through that again.”
I didn’t know it was that bad.
Trauma? Absolutely, I knew he had trauma. Like Atlas has said before, you only need to look at him to know that something happened to him, but I didn’t realize he was still facing it daily like that.
All of my trauma is packed up neatly into little boxes in my head, marked clearly with red tape and labels that read ‘warning: do not open’.
I can’t imagine living it over and over again like that.
I swallow roughly and nod. “I can switch to sleeping during the day. Take up a night shift somewhere. Maybe I’ll head down to the Tac Training center and start training there as much as possible.”
North’s hand buries itself into the long tresses of my hair where it’s spilling down my back. “Nice try, Bonded, but no one is going to accept you not being in this bed every night. Nox has been going through the books that we got from the Hail Mary, so there’s no reason that I can’t convince him to take up a night security position somewhere while he’s researching. I’m used to him sleeping on my couch during the day with his hangovers. It won’t be any different.
The Hail Mary.
My mind drifts to Joseph and the surety that Nox had about bringing the little boy back to the Sanctuary with us. “Do you think the boy was the thing that triggered the nightmare? I’ve never seen Nox like that before.”
North sighs and rubs a hand down my back. “I can say with almost certainty that that’s what it was, Bonded. I’m sorry that it’s affected you. I’ll do what I can to fix it, I promise.”
Such a heavy weight that North carries for his entire Bonded Group, his community, and his beloved brother, so broken inside.
North attempts to coax me into staying in bed for the day, worried about the shakes that take over an hour to dissipate, but there’s no way I can just sit around.
I already know that things are only getting worse for everybody in the Sanctuary. Gryphon has been recruiting more members for the TacTeams, but without letting new people in in our safe little haven, that’s a fairly impossible feat. We’re already using up all of the resources that we have on the repairs to the town. Everything is moving along slowly, and even with Gabe and Atlas going back to working on other people’s houses during the day and finishing off the last of our rooms at night, it still is going slowly.
No one really kicked up a fuss about their rooms being done last. Nox is the only one of my Bonded who even sleeps elsewhere, the rest of them are happy enough to take turns sleeping next to me in my giant bed.
With the kitchen being complete and a few of the bathrooms, we’re at a functional level. It doesn’t matter that they still don’t have a lounge room or any other communal rooms done, because no one really has time at the moment for sitting back and relaxing together.
I get dressed and follow North to his offices to spend the day helping him with paperwork. There’s only a few jobs that I can do without having to be around a lot of people, and I like being around North, keeping him company while he sifts through the bullshit that the council and outer world has to throw at us.
I’d asked if I could read the books that we’d brought back from the Hail Mary after Nox was done with them, mostly for my own knowledge, but also because I wanted to see if there was anything in them that he might have missed about our situation. He’s a professor with a doctorate in literary studies, so I know the chances of him missing anything is highly unlikely, but it’s another way for me to feel useful.
My bond also might decide to be useful, for once.
When we arrive at the offices, there are a lot of people waiting around in the foyer area. I dodge them all as best I can, but we find a small and quiet-looking man waiting at the elevator for North, a nervous look on his face as he dips his head at the two of us respectfully.
“Councilman Draven, I have spoken to the other council members about today’s meeting, and it has been moved to a video chat instead of in person, as per your request.”
North nods and takes a pile of files from the man, thanking him politely as we step into the elevator. When the doors shut firmly behind us, I turn to give him a questioning look.
He fusses with the cuff of his jacket, looking as though he’d like to climb out of his skin rather than deal with being here and the genteel councilman today. “His name is Tamir, and he’s my new secretary.”
I raise an eyebrow at him, a little shocked, but he just shrugs back. “You didn’t like Penelope, and I could no longer look past all of the lines that she was intentionally crossing, so I had her moved elsewhere to be someone else’s problem. Tamir comes from a good family, and Gryphon has already vetted him and his Bonded Group.”
I try not to let my indescribable joy show all over my face, but I’m sure I fail miserably.
His eyebrows creep up. “You didn’t think I’d fire her?”
I shrug back. ”I’m still learning to trust this. I might trust you implicitly, but there’s been a lot of changes in our relationship and the Bonded Group in such a short amount of time. It’s taking me a little while to catch up with it all.”
I don’t mention that having a complete bond hasn’t magically solved all of our problems, there’s still a whole load of bullshit that we’re still trying to figure out between us all. I have no idea how we’re going to manage it while also dealing with the Resistance and, you know, the end of the world.
There go my dramatics again.
North nods slowly and the elevator doors open back up to his office. There’s a desk for a secretary in the room, but with a palm against the base of my spine, North directs me over to it and gets me settled there instead.
“If you don’t like Tamir, I will find someone else. If he upsets you or your bond reacts to him in any way, that’s what we’ll do. That’s what we’ll do about anyone in the future, Bonded, and not just me. If there’s someone on Gryphon’s TacTeam who upsets you or your bond doesn’t like, then they’re gone. I know Rockelle can’t keep his mouth shut around you. I’m happy to move him somewhere else if you don’t want to see him anymore.”
I smile and duck my head, opening up the laptop that he places in front of me. I log on to see that scans of the books that we had brought home from the Hail Mary are already waiting for me in my inbox from Nox.
He doesn’t leave a note or anything, but it still somehow feels like progress to me.
Slow and steady, right?
“We don’t have enough TacTeam personnel for me to start having opinions about them… and Rockelle is fine enough. It’s mostly just soldier banter. I think that he relishes having something to rally against Gryphon with, but we both know that my Bonded can take care of himself.”
North nods and gets to his own work, spreading open the file in front of him and scowling at the information there. “Rockelle’s father is not only another councilman, but somebody very respected within our community. It’s sometimes hard for kids to grow up with that sort of pressure on their shoulders. I know that Councilman Rockelle did not want his son to be a TacTeam grunt. His words, not mine. Top Tier families don’t usually like letting their kids serve. They think that labor is beneath them. But Rockelle idolized Gryphon from a very young age and could not be persuaded from joining the TacTeams after him. I think he pokes at you to get more of Gryphon’s attention. Don’t take it personally, Bonded.”
I giggle. “So… he’s a superfan and just wants Gryphon to love him? That’s kind of cute.”
North smiles and shakes his head at me. “He’s a good fighter and has worked his way to being third in the chain of command. I’m relieved that your bond doesn’t oppose him being around Gryphon, because there isn’t an obvious choice to take his place.”
I open up the files on the computer and take a sip of the bottle of water that North had left behind for me. “I would put up with a lot if it meant keeping you guys safe. Even if Rockelle did bother me, if he’s the best choice for Gryphon and his team, then I would have sucked it up and let it go.”
North nods and the frown slips back over his face as he gets sucked back into whatever is on his screen.
We fall into a calm silence as we both work, but I can tell that North is frustrated. Whatever is going on within the council is incredibly taxing for him. I stay quiet so that I don’t disturb him and pretty soon, I lose myself in the document about the void eyes and just what they mean.
We’ve definitely been here before.
I don’t know if I can really say we because I don’t feel as though I have been reincarnated, but my bond has definitely been around a few times.
The book I’m reading is about myths and legends of the Gifted community, spanning back hundreds and hundreds of years. The void eyes just keep cropping up in it. The ability to manipulate the shadows, the ability to kill people, the ability to mess with people’s minds in such a way that they don’t even know what’s happening; all of it is there.
It’s a little terrifying.
I read it all, nonetheless. I read it until I think my eyes are going to bleed, and then I read it some more. At some point, North accepts an invitation into a video conferencing call and signals to me to stay quiet, and I nod.
He gets onto the video call with the other council members, and I’m sure I’m not supposed to be in the room listening to any of it, but he doesn’t seem too concerned.
At first, I’m so engrossed in the text in front of me that I don’t take much notice of what’s being said. But as North’s temper gets shorter and shorter, I find myself being dragged out of my own work to sit there and listen in.
A snide voice comes through the speakers, “There are five Wastelands in the country now. Why are we not doing more to prevent this from happening?”
North cocks his head at the screen, as though the speaker is incredibly dense. “And what manpower are you handing over to assist with that, Williams? At no point have you attempted to take security into account, and it’s only now that you’re on the run and your Bonded Group has been targeted that you suddenly have an interest. Are you missing your pool back home or something?”
There’s an indignant noise through the speakers and then someone else, a woman this time, speaks, “Councilman Draven, you can’t speak like that! You’ve been responsible for security since you took the seat at the council. It’s your responsibility.”
“I took over security because no one else was doing it. If I wasn’t doing it, there would be nothing standing between us and the Resistance. If you want to know why we aren’t doing more for the Wastelands opening up, then perhaps you should assess why we have such a lack of TacTeam numbers. Those we do have are highly trained and ready to move out at a second’s notice, but we do not have the numbers that the Resistance have. I’m not going to risk the lives of good men on a whim because you think that we are not doing enough, even while we are keeping thousands of members of our community alive and safe at the moment. Which is something that the council didn’t even deem important a few months ago. There are women and children living here. I can’t leave them unguarded.”
He sounds pissed off, and I think the other council members are glad that he’s here and nowhere near them.
Absolutely gutless, the lot of them.
An hour of useless whining and moaning later, he finishes up with the meeting and snaps the laptop shut, fuming as he cracks his knuckles and looks around the room until his eyes meet mine.
“They’re all a bunch of fucking idiots,” he snaps, and I nod.
“They’re the type of people to sit around talking about a problem and never actually do anything about fixing it. They’re the type of people who send others in to fight their wars for them. That’s not who we are, and I’ll never be able to respect them, North. You’re a better person than I am for not having killed them years ago.”
