BLUE
I’ve only ever seen the inside of a house like this on TV. And when Boone said the white room was the best, he wasn’t lying.
With enough space for three queen-size canopy beds, Joss, Scar, and I certainly have zero complaints about sharing a room. Our linen is pure white, as are the wool rugs beside our beds, and the sheer curtains covering both sets of French doors leading out to the balcony. And at the room’s center, another extravagant chandelier.
Scar whirls around with her phone, video chatting Shane to show off where we’re staying, while Joss and I unpack. She’s been quiet, other than the few times she’s tried to force herself to talk, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see she’s struggling.
“I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener.” I peek up at her after sliding a small stack of t-shirts in the dresser between my bed and hers.
Joss meets my gaze and offers a weak smile. “I won’t ruin your trip by dragging you into my family’s shit,” she says wearily.
“Trust me. With the things I’ve seen and lived through, it’d take a bomb falling on me to ruin anything.”
She laughs, and so do I.
“I’m assuming you saw the post. Everyone else has,” she mumbles.
I nod. “Yeah, I saw it.”
“Figured.” A dim smile touches her lips, but never her eyes. “Sure you don’t mind? I guess I could use another girl’s perspective on things. The guys are hellbent on toughing everything out like they’ve always done, but sometimes, you just—”
“Need someone to tell you it’s okay to throw a bitch-fit and eat your way into a chocolate coma?”
She tilts her head. “I swear I’ve never felt more seen than I do in this exact moment.”
I laugh and snap to get Scar’s attention. “Headphones, kid.”
She rolls her eyes, mumbling something about how she’s not listening to our conversation anyway, and then pops in her earbuds like I asked her to.
“Okay, I’m all ears,” I say, hopping up onto the bed when I decide to stop folding while Joss talks. She does the same, almost needing to get a running start to get onto the high mattress.
“Well,” she sighs. “Not sure if you’ve heard, but my dad would lock me inside a bubble if given the chance.”
“Honestly, I thought it was kind of strange they let you come here,” I admit.
Something I said has her laughing.
“Are you kidding me? I’m not here because I have permission. I’m here because I’m beyond the point of giving a shit what he thinks. My whole life, I’ve walked this fucking tightrope of expectations, terrified what would happen if I slipped up and disappointed him,” she admits, swiping at an angry tear. “He never came out and said I had to be perfect, but he sure as hell made me feel it. Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was ever quite to his liking. And for what? Who the fuck is he to tell me how to live my life?”
I nod, letting her vent without interruption.
“The worst part is, after only a week of deliberation, my mom’s decided she isn’t leaving him. We have no clue how long this has been going on, no clue how many women there have been, but she’s not even considering divorce. It’s like he’s just getting away with this shit, with zero repercussions!” she sighs.
“I—wow.”
“Yeah, I know.”
She pauses to think, and maybe to slow the tears, but in the silence, I take note of how she’s twisting her ring. I wouldn’t know it’s significance if Lexi hadn’t pointed it out. Apparently, it’s a symbol of Joss’s virginity, some vow her parents required that she make. As she stares at it now, I imagine it only serves as nothing more than a symbol of their control.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been angrier in my entire life,” she seethes. “I’m expected to give perfection, never making a damn mistake, but he can make the mother of all mistakes and is just forgiven? No,” she says, shaking her head. “Fuck that and fuck him!”
There’s so much pain in her voice, I feel it myself. Especially when she peers up and more tears flood her eyes.
“If X hadn’t blasted that shit on the app, we never would’ve even known. I think that’s the part that pisses me off the most. He’s only trying to make things right with my mom because he got caught, not because he’s actually sorry.” She’s somber now, reflective.
I hop down from my bed and sit beside her instead. When I place my hand on top of hers, she stares at it.
“Believe me, I know what it’s like to have parents who fall way short of expectations, so you’re not alone,” I say, hoping she knows she’ll get no judgment from me.
“I just had no clue I could feel this disappointed. In either of them. I’m so pissed she’s staying,” Joss adds, shaking her head.
I shrug and let out a breath before sharing a bit about myself.
“My dad stayed. My mom was the cheater, and he just kept letting her string him along. Hell, they’re still in that cycle.”
She glances over at me and some of the sadness has faded.
“Damn.”
I nod. “Exactly.”
Her gaze lands on the rug again while she thinks, but then her phone sounds off. When she glances down at it and a faint smile appears, I don’t peek but can’t help to ask…
“Is it Dane?”
“Huh? Oh… no. Just a friend I met last summer in Cuba,” she answers distractedly, while responding to the message. “We spent time there visiting my mom’s side of the family after staying in Haiti a while with my dad’s parents.”
This is the first she’s mentioned the guy to me, but I do recall that day in Headmaster Harrison’s office when I overheard West and Dane’s phone conversation about him. The guy is definitely a bone of contention between him and Joss.
“So… he’s just a friend?”
She glances up with a laugh. “Is that so hard to believe?”
I shrug. “Not as hard to believe as you and Dane pretending not to want to jump each other’s bones.”
Now, her face is red as a beet, which means I struck a nerve.
“Okay, fine,” she huffs. “I’m not saying there’s not something there, but we’ve been friends since we were twelve and we’re just so different, you know?”
“Haven’t you ever heard that opposites attract?”
“Mmm, I think it’s possible to be too opposite,” she reasons. “I’m a virgin and have no plans to change that. Especially now that my dad’s taught me men aren’t to be trusted.” She pauses and rolls her eyes before continuing. “Meanwhile, Dane has no plans to stop, you know, doing what he does. I’m not judging him, just stating facts. This is who we are, and who we are would drive the other insane.”
She laughs, but it sounds to me like she’s making excuses. I don’t point that out, though.
“Besides, what better way to ruin a perfectly good friendship than by interjecting romantic feelings?”
She laughs again when I squint at her. “I hear you, but aren’t you at least a little curious about him?”
At first, I think she might ignore the question, but then she smiles.
“Okay, so I may or may not have fantasized about losing my V-card to him once or twice, but only because we’re already close and I trust him with my life.”
Her explanation sounds vaguely familiar, making me glance toward Scar.
“I might have also had this fantasy because, let’s be honest, he’s fucking gorgeous,” she admits. “I’m also about ninety-nine percent sure he’d be amazing. Plus, with him, it’d actually mean something, you know? We don’t love each other like that, but… there’s still a form of love between us.”
I try and fail to hold in my smile. “I knew it.”
“But,” she proclaims, “I will stand my ground. Never in a million years would I risk losing his friendship should things not work out. So, as far as I’m concerned, this will stay a fantasy.”
For now, I let her think I believe that.
“How’d you two become friends anyway?”
She peers up and there’s a distant smile on her face. “Well, I guess he’s kind of always been my knight in shining armor. Even back then.”
When she pauses, I’m admittedly on the edge of my seat.
“It was the first day of sixth grade and I’d just moved to Cypress Pointe that summer. Dane and I got put in the same homeroom and I was assigned the seat behind him and this other kid who isn’t even around anymore. Back then, I was kind of shy, so I hadn’t said one word. To anyone. But the other kid kept turning in his seat, giving me this mean-ass glare over his shoulder,” she adds, kind of solemnly.
“Anyway, the teacher started taking attendance, and when she called my name, the kid made this ugly, racist comment under his breath that only Dane and I heard. Long story short, Dane got out of his seat and decked the kid, broke his damn nose,” she adds with a laugh. “The school suspended them both once they got the whole story, but when Dane came back a few days later, we were kind of inseparable.”
“Shit, that’s awful.”
Joss nods. “It was. I’d had things like that happen before, but Dane was the first person to ever go to bat for me. I mean, he got suspended fighting for some girl he didn’t even know.”
She’s lost in thought for a few seconds after reliving the moment, then her eyes flash to me again.
“Enough about me, though. What about that Ricky guy? Was he your first?”
I nod. “He was. Actually, Ricky and I have been everything to each other you can possibly find on the relationship spectrum. Just so happens that we’re at our best when we’re friends.”
She gives me a look.
“What?”
“Just wondering if you’re positive he’s buying into that whole ‘at our best when we’re friends’ theory you just mentioned. Because from the outside looking in, it looks like he’s still got it pretty bad for you. I mean, West sure as hell thinks he does.”
I open and close my mouth several times before actual words come out. “Okay, so we didn’t make the cleanest break, but I’ve moved on. I just have faith that, one day, Ricky will find someone who helps him move on, too.”
She’s still giving me a look, but this time it shifts into a laugh. “Whatever you say, heartbreaker.”
I shove her a little and her laugh dulls into a thoughtful smile.
I know talking things out with me hasn’t miraculously solved all her problems, but I hope she at least feels less alone. At the end of the day, our entire crew can attest to having a less than perfect homelife. The only difference is, until a week ago, Joss had no idea that was the case.
We all needed this getaway, and we can only hope the tiny fires we left behind in Cypress Pointe don’t turn into full raging blazes while we’re away.
