Folding my hands in my lap, I wait for my Breakers to settle down around me. My head is still pounding from earlier, but at least I’m conscious now. York is sitting next to Xeno on the sofa opposite and Zayn is on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest. Over the other side of the room Dax is leaning against the wall, separate from us all. I don’t like it.
“Dax, come here,” I say, my cheeks heating, feeling shy all of a sudden. God, this is going to be hard.
“Sit down, Dax. I ain’t gonna throw another punch,” Xeno mutters.
“You wouldn’t get another chance,” Dax grumbles back, and for a moment I worry it’s all going to blow up again. Xeno might be the leader of this crew, but everyone knows Dax is the best fighter. Whenever we’ve got into scraps with other dance crews, it’s always Dax who heads up the fight. Over the past year, he’s gotten a bit of a name for himself. He’s known as Teardrop Dax because fighting him will only end with his opponent in tears. Dax never cries, no matter how hurt he gets. Never. He’s tough.
And yet, I know the truth. He’s a kid beaten down by his abusive home life. Of all the Breakers, I worry for him the most. He holds everything inside. The only time he ever expresses himself is when he dances, living up to his name in a different way. There have been plenty of times where I’ve had to hold back the tears when watching him dance. Sometimes it’s impossible and I cry for him when he can’t do the same for himself, though I hold it in until I get home so no one can see.
“Please, don’t fight anymore…” I reach for the sore spot on my head absentmindedly, but it’s enough to remind them all what happened earlier and they both fall silent. Dax sits down, but he doesn’t reach for me. The distance between us feels significant. I hate it.
Sighing, I worry my lip, pulling at a piece of loose skin with my teeth. The metallic taste of blood makes me reach up and wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my jumper.
“You had something you wanted to say?” York gently prompts me. He gives me an encouraging smile and my heart flutters.
Swallowing hard, I nod, keeping my gaze fixed on him. “I don’t know how.”
“Just say it, Pen. Whatever it is, just say it,” Zayn says, frowning now.
“Dax and I…” I choke out the words, feeling my skin flush with heat and my heart hammer so painfully that I think there’s a real chance that I’ll pass out. I can feel it battering with bloody fists against the inside of my ribcage, so violent I almost choke.
“Dax and you, what?” Zayn asks. His black eyes spark dangerously, and the atmosphere suddenly becomes a thousand times more intense.
I can’t breathe. My throat feels like it’s closing up. Jesus, what was I thinking? I keep looking between my Breakers. I’m so scared I’ll lose them. How am I going to tell them that I kissed Dax let alone have feelings for all four of them? This isn’t how normal people behave. I’m sixteen, still a virgin and the first person I kissed was Dax for crying out loud. I don’t know how to do this. I’m not like the other girls, all sexy and sure of themselves.
York clears his throat. “Would it help if I told them…”
I look at him with wide eyes. He knows. Oh God, he knows. I’m so shocked that my mouth pops open, then slams shut. “I… erm… shit.”
“I kissed Pen. I kissed her, okay?” Dax butts in, growling. He’s angry. Why is he angry?
“You did WHAT?!” Zayn stands, his fists curled.
“Sit down, Zayn,” Xeno snaps.
“This is what you were fighting about?” Zayn glares at Xeno, swiping a hand through his hair before turning his attention on Dax. “You copped-off with Pen. What the fuck, man?”
Dax grunts and I can feel his anger growing. If I don’t say something soon this is going to blow up again.
“I kissed Dax too. It wasn’t one-sided,” I admit.
Zayn snaps his head around to stare at me, his mouth pressed into a hard line. “When?” he asks.
“A few weeks ago. The night Dax beat the shit out of that bloke who tried it on with me at Rocks. It just happened.”
“Yeah, whilst we were all inside the club, Dax was putting it on Tiny in the alleyway out back,” Xeno adds, his face a dark scowl.
Dax shifts forward in his seat. I hold my hand out. “No! It wasn’t like that.” Swallowing the sick feeling in my stomach, I shift closer to Dax and rest my hand on his arm. He tenses, then relaxes a little as I shuffle closer. “It wasn’t like that,” I persist.
“What was it like then?” Zayn drops back to the floor, his shoulders slumping.
“I wanted him to kiss me. I liked it,” I whisper.
Dax’s head snaps around, his eyes flashing with something I don’t understand. Relief maybe, hope, even. “You did?”
“I did,” I admit.
He reaches for me, cupping my cheek in his large palm. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time, Kid.”
My heart clunks against my ribcage at his words and the feel of his thumb running across my cheek. I lean into his hold. “I had no idea…”
“Fuck’s sake,” Xeno swears under his breath, breaking up this intimate moment between Dax and me. “So you’re an item now, is that it?”
“No… It’s not like that,” I say. Dax removes his hand, his jaw gritting once more. He stiffens when I squeeze his arm, willing him to understand.
“Then what is it? Jesus, Tiny, you need to fucking tell us. Are you into Dax or not?” Xeno presses, glaring at me. That angry muscle ticking away in his jaw.
“I am, but…”
“But what, Titch? Come on, you can tell us. We’re friends, remember?” It’s York this time, he’s watching me carefully. His voice is soft, supportive. God, I love him. I love them all, and that’s the fucking problem.
“That’s just it. We’re friends. One kiss with Dax and you’re tearing each other apart.”
“I have no issue with you and Dax being together, if that’s what you’re worried about,” York responds, though something in the depths of his eyes tells me that isn’t completely true. “These two will just have to suck it up.”
“But I am worried, York, because this isn’t just about the kiss. It’s about you too.”
“Me?” York points to his chest, surprised.
“Yes. You, Xeno,” I say, flicking my gaze to meet his grass-green stare that right now is drilling a hole in my chest like he’s trying to make a path for my heart to escape and fall into his hands. “Zayn too.”
“What are you getting at?” Zayn asks, cocking his head to the side.
“I’m sorry if this is going to make everything awkward, and I’ll understand if you don’t want me in the crew anymore. It’s just…”
“Kid, just say it,” Dax mutters as he places his hand over mine and squeezes.
“It’s just… fuck’s sake,” I mutter, angry at myself for being such a coward. Lifting my head up, I force the words out. “I want to kiss all of you too, and I don’t know what to do about that.” My confession comes out in a rush of air that has me sinking into the sofa as though I’ve run a marathon.
“Fuck me,” Zayn grumbles, scraping a hand over his face.
Dax blows out a breath, Xeno jumps up to his feet and stalks over to the fridge. I watch him pour himself a generous shot of vodka then knock it back. When I look at York, he’s grinning. Great, just fucking great. I should’ve kept quiet.
“Well, that’s thrown an interesting twist to the situation,” he says, shaking his head with mirth.
“It’s not funny, York,” I retort, my cheeks heating. Dax squeezes my hand, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles. That gentle touch makes my heart flutter and something low down tighten. I squirm a little, trying to ease the feeling.
“So let me get this straight. You kissed Dax a few weeks ago and liked it, and now you want to kiss all of us too…?” Zayn asks, cocking his head to the side. There’s no sarcasm in his tone, just an openness that I’ve come to appreciate from him.
“Yes, no. I mean. I’ve thought about it. A lot. I realise that makes me a shitty person.” I turn to Dax. “It doesn’t mean that I like you any less…” I mumble.
“I understand, Kid,” he replies, but I don’t think he does. Our eyes meet, and for a moment it’s just the two of us in the room. Despite the hoodie pulled up over his head, I can see beneath his armour and all I want to do is climb into his lap and kiss all the pain away.
“No, you don’t.”
“It doesn’t make you a bad person, Titch. We’re your friends. You should be able to tell us these things. The thing is…” York pauses, his smile dropping now as I drag my gaze away from Dax and face him. “Kissing Dax has changed things.”
I drop my head. “I know. I don’t want you all to fall out. You’ve never fought like that before,” I say to Xeno’s back because he’s still facing the damn wall, refusing to look at me.
“I’m sorry I’ve messed this all up.” Pulling my hand free from Dax’s, I stand, ignoring the biting sting of tears and the room swimming around me because I still feel woozy from the bang to my head. “I’m an idiot. You’re my friends and I love you all so much…” The words come out strangled because I mean them. Really mean them.
“You love us? As friends, you mean?” York asks gently. I focus on him, because I can feel the atmosphere change again and I’m shivering with… everything. My head thumps and this weird spot on my chest hurts. I rub at it absentmindedly with the flat of my hand.
“Yes, as friends…” Fuck, Pen just say it. “But more than that. It drives me crazy when you’re with other girls. I don’t like it. Most of the time I want to throat punch them.” I laugh, but it comes out sounding hollow. “I kissed Dax because I wanted to. It felt so right. It really, really did,” I say, looking over my shoulder at him. “I want to kiss him some more, but then…”
“Then?” York asks softly.
“I feel the same about you,” I admit, staring at York. He swallows hard. Some of the easiness in his smile fading. I drag my gaze away and look at Zayn who seems more than a little shocked by my admission. “And you too, Zayn. I hate it when you flirt with other girls.” Finally I settle my gaze on Xeno, who’s turned around to face me now. “I wished it was me you were kissing earlier, Xeno.” He doesn’t say anything, and I can’t get a good read on him to figure out what he’s thinking either. “Now you know. I’m sorry for fucking things up. I’m sorry, okay? I’ll go.”
“No. Stay.” Xeno suddenly growls, scowling at me just like that first day when I turned up with York two years ago. He strides towards us. “We sort this out now.”
“You’re angry,” I state.
“Tell her, Xeno. Tell her the real reason why you hit me, why you’re so angry,” Dax demands.
“Because you were getting on my fucking nerves!” he retorts.
“Bullshit. There’s more to it than that.”
“Fuck you, Dax,” Xeno mutters, gritting his jaw.
“I’m going. This was a bad idea.” Angry tears brim in my eyes and I’m furious at myself for fucking this all up. I don’t regret kissing Dax but maybe I wished I’d thought about the consequences of kissing him before I crossed that line.
“Don’t do that, Pen.” Zayn rushes to his feet, reaching for me. He places his finger under my chin, and lifts it so that I look up at him. My heart stops beating when his night-time eyes flash with interest, as though he’s seeing me clearly for the first time.
Dax stands behind me, stepping close. He wraps his arms around my waist from behind and rests his chin on the top of my head. Without saying anything, he’s making a point. That he’ll always have my back. That I can count on him. No matter what. Zayn’s nostrils flare, but he doesn’t move away. In fact, he steps closer. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Xeno grit his teeth. York stands, placing his hand on Xeno’s shoulder all the while looking at me. He’s not smiling this time, but I recognise that look, it’s the same one he gives to the girls he’s interested in. What’s happening here?
“You said you wanted to kiss us all, is that right, Pen?” Zayn asks.
“Yes.”
“Okay then.”
“Zayn!” Xeno grinds out, but I’m oblivious to anything else as Zayn steps closer, cups my face in his hands and presses his lips against my own without hesitation, like he’s been waiting to do this for some time.
At first I’m too shocked to react, but when Dax brushes his lips against my ear, whispering that it’s okay, my mouth parts and allows Zayn’s tongue to slip inside, stroking mine softly, tentatively. A moan releases and I know I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. I wanted this.
I want this.
My hands reach up and clutch Zayn’s t-shirt, my fists scrunching the material up in my hands. The kiss goes from gentle and searching to desperate and hungry, and even though a tiny voice is trying to remind me where I am and who is watching, an even bigger one is yelling at me to just go with it. When Zayn’s dick hardens and he pulls back, looking sheepish, I realise that this isn’t just two friends experimenting, this is so much more than that.
“Fuck, Pen,” he mutters, his cheeks are flushed, and his eyes are wide.
My hands fly up to my lips and press against them. They feel swollen and tender, just like all the words lodged in my throat.
“You fucking prick,” Xeno snarls at Zayn who shrugs, grinning stupidly.
Ignoring Xeno and giving my hand a gentle squeeze before letting it go, Zayn motions to York, a question in his gaze. York, for the first time ever, is lost for words.
Xeno whirls around to face him, “Don’t you fucking dare!”
But York looks past Xeno and directly to me. “Do you still want to kiss me, Titch?”
Do I? I’m still reeling from Zayn’s kiss. From the truth being out there in the open. It’s freeing but scary as hell. I don’t want them to think I’m a slut. “I… erm… Is this okay? I mean… I’m not, you know… You don’t think I’m a…” Slut, I think, unable to say the word out loud.
“Titch, you’re our girl. Ours. We’d never think bad of you. If it helps, I really, really want to kiss you. Besides, the third time’s a charm, right?” He cocks his head to the side, and I try and blank out the almost deranged look on Xeno’s face. He looks like he wants to rip York’s head off but then also, kinda like he wants to kiss me too… I don’t know. I’m never really certain where Xeno’s concerned.
“Well, Titch? I can wait, if that’s what you want…” he voice trails off, and I see the disappointment clear as day.
“No!” I blurt out. He flinches, but I shake my head. “I mean no, I don’t want you to wait. I want you to kiss me, York.”
He grins suddenly. “Are you ready for the best fucking kiss of your life?”
Behind me Dax chuckles, and Zayn scoffs.
“You motherfucker,” Xeno snarls, but he doesn’t try to stop him.
York squeezes Xeno’s shoulder. “Sorry man, but our girl needs me and I’m not going to deny her.” Stepping close, York looks at Dax over my head. “I like you a lot Dax, but would you mind…?”
Dax chuckles. “Sure thing,” he says, releasing me from his hold and stepping back.
My cheeks flame as I tip back my head and stare up at York. The overhead light catches his white-blonde hair and pale skin and for a moment I swear he fucking sparkles. Then again, that might just be the bang to my head.
“From the second I saw you wet and shivering in the rain, I knew we were done for. It’s taken these muppets two years to figure out the same thing,” he says, resting his hands on my hips and gently pulling me close to him. “Also, you’re gorgeous and you don’t even realise it.”
“What?” I mumble, my brain has frozen up and is unable to articulate anything right now. This is so surreal.
“You’re Titch to me,” he says, brushing his lips against my forehead. “Tiny to Xeno, Pen to Zayn and Kid to Dax. Don’t you see? We’ve already claimed you as our own, even if that’s harder for some of us to admit. Why do you think all the girls we’ve brought back have such an issue with you? It’s because they know what you mean to us.”
“Always so fucking insightful,” Xeno growls, but York just smiles.
“Oh,” is all I can manage to say. This was not what I was expecting. “Are you saying…”
York leans down, the tip of his nose brushing against the bridge of mine. “Yes, Titch, I’m saying we all like you. I’m going to kiss you now, okay?”
“Okay,” I mutter, the word ripped from my lips as his pillowy mouth presses against mine. He holds me close against his body and my toes curl inside my trainers as his tongue parts my lips. Stars sparkle behind my eyelids as my body breaks out in goosebumps. I reach up and pull at his hair, tugging him closer. He chuckles into my mouth, smiling and kissing me with a talented tongue that soothes as well as taunts. By the time he’s finished, I’m giddy.
“Xeno?” I question when York eventually steps away.
We all take a collective breath as Xeno looks beyond me to the rest of the Breakers. “You bunch of goddamn arseholes,” he grinds out. Then his gaze focuses on me.
“I’m not going to kiss you, Tiny. Not because I don’t want to, but because someone has to keep their head tonight, and I guess that someone is going to be me.” He presses his mouth into a hard line, thinking for a moment. Then he wipes his hand over his face and focuses his attention back onto me. “What I’m about to say might upset you, but I have to do this…”
“Do what?” York asks before I can.
“Tiny, you have to choose.”
“Choose?” I repeat.
“Yes, stay as we are, a dance crew, friends and that’s it, or…”
My throat closes over. “Or?”
“Or pick one of us and walk away from the crew for good. No more dancing together. Ever.”
“Xeno, man, you can’t make her do that,” Dax grinds out, understanding implicitly what I was trying to explain with my fumbling words.
“She has to choose, it’s the only way. Whatever choice Tiny makes we have to agree to it. No questions. No going back,” Xeno continues.
My mouth goes dry. “I don’t know if I can do that…” I whisper.
Didn’t he hear what I said? I love them all, and yet, I also love to dance… with them. All of them. If I pick one of the Breakers as my boyfriend, then I’m no longer a part of this dance crew and all the happiness it brings me will be gone. If I choose the dance crew, then I’ll never have any of them the way I want and will be miserable watching them all with other girls. Either way, I’m fucked.
“You’ve got no choice. You’ve got until your seventeenth birthday, the night of the crew battles at Rocks, to figure it out. Spend time with each of us. Make your decision.”
“Why then?” I ask, looking helplessly between them all.
“Because whoever you do choose will want more than just a kiss, Pen, and I sure as fuck won’t allow any of these arseholes to sleep with you until it’s legal to do so.” Xeno grabs his coat from the sofa and pulls it on, not even considering that I might choose the Breakers dance crew over one of them.
“The legal age to have sex is sixteen, Xeno. Not to mention that’s both a dickish and possessive thing to say,” York says.
“I don’t give a fuck. None of you arseholes are fucking Pen until she’s made her choice,” he growls back. “Come on, I’m walking you home. We’re done here tonight.”
I don’t have time to say goodbye, let alone fully comprehend what Xeno just said, as he grasps my hand and pulls me out of the basement. Part of me is shocked at his outburst. How dare he decide when I choose to give myself to somebody. This is not the nineteen bloody fifties and I’m not his property. On the other hand, that fierce kind of protectiveness has me feeling all warm inside. It’s a strange combination.
By the time we reach my flat, I’m coiled so tightly with anxiety that I can barely look at Xeno. He’s been quiet the whole way home, and I’ve not been able to say a word. When we step into the dimly lit entrance to my building, he pushes my back against the brick wall, shoving his thigh between my legs and pressing it against the spot that’s been throbbing all night long. With his forearms resting either side of my head, he boxes me in. His breathing is harsh, his chest expanding and contracting as he presses his forehead against mine. My stomach ties up in knots at the look on his face, like he’s fighting something within.
“I’m taking myself out of the equation, Tiny. You and me, it can’t happen.”
“But…” I’m unable to articulate my feelings around the sob lodged in my throat. “Why?” I manage to squeeze out.
He refuses to answer, instead he brushes his lips over the bump on my head, his lips lingering over the spot. “I’m sorry.”
Acting braver than I feel, I capture his cheek in my palm. “We could have it all… the crew and each other,” I whisper, wanting to believe that so much. Wanting to believe in my heart that love will conquer all and we don’t have to live bound by ties that society and religion place on us.
“No, Tiny, we can’t. Our world just doesn’t work that way,” he replies, his voice catching as he pushes off the wall and walks away, taking a piece of my heart with him.
