A fog of pleasure swirls around my head, hungry and dangerous, as yellow spots line my vision.
Nikolai slides his boxer briefs down and kicks them away until he’s only wearing his bullet necklace.
I try to look away, but I realize with daunting clarity that it’s virtually impossible to ignore the man in front of me.
During the past week, I had to stop myself from studying his extravagant tattoos, because that would mean I was staring.
And I couldn’t possibly be caught doing that.
Right now, however, I don’t seem to care. Could be because I just let him give me the best blowjob of my life.
And I don’t even like blowjobs.
I could deny it all I want, but the truth is, Nikolai Sokolov is…good-looking.
Sorry. Fucking hot is the expression I’m searching for.
He’s all muscles, proportionally placed over his tall frame and broad build. His tattoos are a mixture of artistic bleeding roses, skulls, and intricate designs. My favorite is the tattoo of a serpent wrapped around a skull that covers his shoulder and bicep.
My gaze flits to the sophisticated infinity tattoo that twirls down his hip and over the side of his thigh. That’s also a favorite.
I attempt to get my fill of the rest of his tattoos, but it’s impossible when his cock stands fully erect, nearly touching his abs.
I’ve often seen my teammates naked, but I’ve never felt this on edge around them. Or anyone, really.
Then again, Nikolai is nowhere near average. His whole presence is effortlessly intimidating, but I’m far from being intimidated.
It’s much, much worse.
I’m burning to touch those muscles.
My nostrils flare at the thought of leaving my smell on him. Not anyone else’s.
Mine.
He’s naked, but I’m the one who’s being stripped by his intense gaze that he slides over my open trousers and my soft dick that’s twitching beneath his attention.
He darts his tongue out and swipes it across his bottom lip, and my gaze flashes there, and once again, I’m hit by the reminder of my cock in his mouth.
I can’t help replaying the image of the way he touched me, but more the way he looked at me. The way he topped from the bottom and handled me roughly but also sensually.
That was definitely the strongest release I’ve ever had. Only rivaled by that time in the alley.
Sex is supposed to be meaningless, mild at best and torturous at worst. But with Nikolai, it’s hands down the most intense, mind-numbing experience. With Nikolai, my releases breach the physical and extend to an unknown, frightening universe.
And I’m hit by the survival instinct to run away.
To open the door and sprint into the night, then do what I excel at.
Pretend. Avoid. Deny.
However, my feet remain rooted in place as I stare back into his eyes. But because I’m so far out of control, my attention falls to his bruised lips and mine tremble in remembrance of the way he kissed me.
And the way I kissed him.
The way I devoured him as if I were attempting to fuse my soul with his or something similarly ridiculous.
“I know I’m hot, but you have to stop watching from afar and get your sexy ass over here, baby.” He sits on the edge of the bed and grins in that slightly evil way. “Strip for me. Let me see you.”
My fingers wrap around the edge of my T-shirt’s collar of their own accord and I pull it over my head, then toss it on a chair. My shoes and trousers follow before I push the briefs all the way down.
I have a nice body as a result of all the running and working out, but I don’t go out of my way to showcase it. Definitely not to the extent of exhibitionism that Lan loves so much.
In fact, I prefer being clothed at all times. But right now, I feel a sense of triumph when Nikolai studies every inch of my skin, his greedy eyes taking me in from head to toe as if he hasn’t seen a naked man before.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He marvels and opens a hand in my direction.
I walk toward him, but I don’t take it. That just feels weird. This entire thing does. From the moment I realized I was possessive of him, not Clara, all the way to when I came down his throat.
And yet, for some reason, I don’t want to put an end to it.
Not now.
I’ll keep this up for a while longer.
He said I can blame it on him afterward. So it’s not on me.
This is a dream and I’ll enjoy it until I’m forced awake.
I cross my arms. “I’m not a girl. Don’t call me beautiful.”
“Men can be beautiful. I am, for one.” He winks and grabs my wrist, forcing me to uncross my arms.
“Your arrogance knows no bounds.”
“You love my arrogance.”
“Keep dreaming.”
“You love the way I look at you,” he continues, biting the corner of his lip as he slides his hungry gaze over me. “You love how I touch you.” He flicks a finger over my nipple, drawing a shudder from me. “You definitely love playing hard to get.”
I swat his hand away. “Nikolai!”
“Call me Niko like you did earlier.”
“I did no such thing.”
“You totally did while you shot your cum down my throat. You said Niko in this sexy, needy voice.”
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
He narrows his eyes, but before I can burst into flames, he tugs on my wrist. “Come on. I need your lips around my cock.”
I steal a quick glance at his dick that’s so hard, purple veins bulge on the sides, and a transparent liquid shines at the tip.
“What…” I clear my throat. “What should I do?”
“What I did to you.”
“I will not get on my knees.”
“I went on my knees for you just fine.”
My hand rubs the back of my head and I release a sigh. “I don’t know how to do this, okay? I’ve never…”
“Sucked off another guy?”
I nod slowly. The thought of making a fool out of myself gives me worse nausea than the fact that I actually want to do this.
A part of me is buzzing with the possibility of giving him pleasure as intense as he gave me.
Nikolai’s eyes darken, the blue appearing unhinged, possessive, even, as he wrenches me forward and I fall on top of him, my chest pressing to his.
His heartbeat thunders against mine, and I hiss when my cock brushes against his thigh.
Good grief. I just came, so why the hell am I getting hard again?
I never get hard after a release. Never.
His coarse fingers stroke my jaw, and I’m in awe at how a shiver goes through me at that. Or maybe it’s because of the hooded look in his gaze.
“Just do what you think you’d like when getting a blowjob.”
That’s the fucking problem. I don’t like those.
Well, until now.
“If at a loss, mimic what I did.” He winks. “Now, kneel on me.”
Before I can ask what he means, Nikolai lies on his back and directs me so that I’m turned around and on all fours on top of him. His hard cock is within reach and mine is near his face.
I have never been in such an exposed position before. Have never been comfortable with sixty-nine and, therefore, haven’t done it. I’ve always liked to be in control of every sexual act, even if I was bored out of my mind during it.
Now, however, I don’t feel uncomfortable. It’s more…apprehension mixed with a surge of a foreign thrill.
Before I can think about what it means, Nikolai thrusts his hips up.
“Wrap your lips around my cock, baby.”
His orders send me into a weird frenzy and I fist his dick at the base and stroke it a few times like he did to me. I can’t resist teasing the crown and one of the piercings to test if it feels sensitive.
A drop of precum coats my thumb and I’m rewarded with Nikolai’s grunt. So I do it a few more times while I jerk him until his hips lift off the bed and his delicious noises of pleasure fill my ears.
I register and pay attention to every sudden hitch in his breathing, every movement of his hips, and even the goosebumps that erupt on his thighs.
That way, I know what he likes and keep doing it rougher.
“You’re killing me.” His lustful voice rushes through me like an aphrodisiac.
I smile, loving the idea of killing him.
The thought of a notoriously frightening man like him being so into me is a strange turn-on.
After a few more tugs, I guide him into my mouth and groan around him. I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it when his skin explodes on my taste buds.
Maybe it’s because I’ve wanted to do this for longer than I would like to admit. Maybe it’s because he does taste, and mostly feels, bloody fantastic in my mouth.
“That’s it, baby. Get my cock sloppy and wet,” he rumbles from beneath me, his fingers sliding up and down my balls, teasing, squeezing. “Loosen your jaw. Let me fuck that throat.”
A shiver goes through me and I do as he says, turning into a wanton entity I can’t recognize while I lick the sides of his dick. Precum drips on my tongue and I swallow, squeezing the pierced crown at the back of my throat and keeping it there.
Nikolai grunts, jerks, and thrusts. “Your mouth feels so fucking good. Jesus Christ. Look at you, baby. You don’t even have a gag reflex.”
His hips lift and I can tell he’s holding back, trying not to hurt me or something. So I go harder, jerking his cock at the base and testing what he just said. I bob my head up and down, taking as much of him as I can to the back of my throat with every slurp.
“Mmm. Fuck. Your mouth is made for sucking my cock. You’re doing so well.”
I growl around his skin and he thickens even more against the vibration. For some reason, the praise sends me into a frenzy. He’s breaking me, crushing my very foundation to fucking pieces, and I’m overwhelmingly addicted.
Undeniably fucking screwed.
I suck his cock like it’s a sport, going deeper and harder, then relax my jaw and let him use my tongue for friction. It’s sloppy in the beginning; my saliva runs down his length and onto his balls, but then I mix it with his precum on purpose as I lick and tease his piercings so enthusiastically, it’s as if I was born to suck cock.
Not just any cock. His cock.
I drown in the lustful moans spilling from him. My balls tighten and my dick thickens as his growls rumble through me, turning me into a fucking animal.
The opening of a drawer breaches my ears, but I don’t pay attention as I get the hang of what I’m doing. I twist the base of his shaft, pull it out of my mouth, then swirl my tongue on the crown, teeth tugging on a piercing.
“Mmmfuck, baby…fuck…” He releases a thick, lustful sound and feeds me more of his precum.
I can feel him getting close, his dick growing huge in my hands, and even though my jaw aches, I take him in again.
There’s no ending this until he shatters as hard as he broke me earlier. I’ll give him pleasure as intense as he gave me—
A cold, slippery finger trails a path on my balls and then my arse cheek is pulled to the side and that finger circles my rim.
I buck, the movement taking me so completely by surprise, I don’t know what to do. My head is swimming in so much overpowering lust from sucking his cock that I didn’t even realize what he was doing.
Nikolai rolls his hips and thrusts all the way to the back of my throat. Pressure forms at my back hole as he traces the rim some more, then slides his finger in.
“Shhh. You’re doing so good, baby. Your ass is taking my finger so well.” He drives his cock in my mouth as he penetrates me from behind.
The intrusion makes me close my eyes, my knees shaking, and a part of me demands I fight.
Somehow.
Anyhow.
I need to—
He drives his finger in slowly, breaching me so wholly, I can’t think straight.
“Mmmf… Ffuck…” I mumble around his cock, saliva and precum dripping on his balls.
Another lubed finger joins the first and the fullness clouds my head. All I can do is remain still, mouth open, arse in the air as he thrusts in me.
The pain slowly disappears, replaced by an acute sense of…pleasure?
Oh fuck.
“That’s it, baby.” He thrusts his cock in and out of my mouth, hitting the back of my throat with the piercings. “Fuck your ass on my fingers.”
I realize with utter shock that I’m rocking back and forth, lips parted so he can fuck me with his cock and I’m helping him drive in and out of my arse.
Fucking fuck.
He’s dragging out a foreign version of me, clawing and tearing at every safety measure I had in place.
He gets close and I’m giving up control.
He touches me and I’m stumbling, rolling, falling, falling, falling…
Nikolai’s fingers scrape something inside me and I nearly lose balance.
“There it is.” The lust in his voice undoes me, shoving me to the edge. “Fuck… I’m gonna come…”
He pegs his fingers against that secret part once.
Twice…
On the third time, heat engulfs me and any sounds I want to make are drowned by the cum that explodes all over my mouth, lips, and face.
But that’s not the part that makes me want to scream. It’s my own dick shooting cum on Nikolai’s chest, face, and hands.
It goes on and on, spraying everywhere and decorating the sheets.
Please don’t tell me I just came without any stimulation to my cock.
I jerk away from Nikolai and he slips his fingers from my arse. My hole clenches around them as if wanting to keep them there. What the—
“Mmm.” Nikolai traces his other hand over the cum on his chest, smearing it on the tattoos before he drags his fingers to his mouth. “You definitely made a mess this time. Hot as fuck.”
I try to escape, but I end up tripping on his limbs and I fall beside him on the bed.
Nikolai doesn’t seem to sense my feelings of trepidation, because he rolls, flips around, and hovers on top of me. His majestic body, while huge, doesn’t feel threatening. The tip of the necklace skims over my throat like a caress. His loose hair frames his face and I have to stop myself from touching it.
“You’re going to kiss me, aren’t you?” I ask, my defenses depleted.
He grins, eyes shining with mischief. “You know I will.”
“What if I ask you not to?”
“We both know your mouth is a fucking liar unless I’m devouring it.” He darts out his tongue and licks his cum off my jaw and lips, then thrusts it into my parted mouth, feeding me his cum, making me taste him again and swallow every last drop.
Whenever he kisses me, I feel like I’m losing a piece of myself that I’ll never recuperate. And yet I can’t help sinking my fingers into his hair, moaning in his mouth, gliding my tongue against his, sucking, biting, and forgetting.
For one moment, I forget and let myself get lost in the dream.
He pulls his mouth from mine and I have to physically stop myself from chasing his tongue and hooking it against mine.
Nikolai gives my bottom lip one last tug before he releases it and pushes off me, his finger teasing my nipple on his way up. “I’ll be right back, baby. Don’t move.”
My head turns to the side, watching his inked back muscles flexing, his hair messed up from how much I pulled and fisted the inky strands.
Somewhere in the center of my chest aches.
Why the fuck is he so beautiful and why am I…this attracted to him?
Wasn’t I supposed to be broken?
I stare at the white platform ceiling for a few seconds, but then as the pleasure haze disappears, I blink away my confusion and sober up.
My legs barely carry me as I stand up and snatch my clothes, then put them on awkwardly as I jog to the lift.
I pause inside, my forefinger hovering over the yellow ground-floor button, and then I do what I’ve done my entire life.
Run away. Deny. Pretend.
Nausea rushes up my throat when I push the button.
As the door closes, my fingers find the hairs at the back of my head and I pull, but no amount of pain drowns out the sense of loss crawling up my limbs.
I couldn’t sleep last night.
For the first time in eight fucking years, I didn’t get a wink of sleep.
Not one.
I tossed and turned, took three cold showers, drank more herbal tea than in Victorian England, and went to my studio, but nothing helped to put me down.
I even jammed my Swiss Army knife in my arm, but the sharp point only caused a small cut and the blood that dripped out didn’t manage to chase away the ink that swallowed me up to my waist, murdering any form of pleasure I’d experienced the previous night.
What makes you think you can enjoy anything when you’re fucking defective?
Despite those thoughts and the black face in the mirror. Despite the blood that rushed out of me and the strokes of red on my canvas, I can’t help the jolt of hope or the simmering expectation that envelops me as I step out of the mansion and snap my usual picture.
I wasn’t going to bother with the AirPods since Nikolai always removes them, sometimes not so nicely, but if I don’t wear them, then he’ll think it’s because of him.
Isn’t that the case?
I ignore the voice in my head as I put the music on pause, my heart beating faster the farther I get from the mansion.
This is the first time I’ve been excited about something and desired it with every fiber of my being. So much so that it’s starting to freak me out.
The first time I’ve considered taking the pain as long as I get the pleasure first.
At least, for a while.
My feet come to a halt when a large figure cuts in front of me and I remain still as he plucks both AirPods from my ears.
Nikolai is shirtless, which isn’t anything new. What is new, however, is the savage look in his eyes. His tone comes out sarcastic, though. “A very good day to you, lotus flower. Do you have anything to tell me?”
I swallow the dread that gathers in my throat as I speak in my calm voice. “No. Why should I?”
He takes a step forward and I take one back. If I don’t let him get close, everything will be fine.
Things only get worse after he touches me.
Nikolai stops and fingers his necklace, tugging on the bullet until I’m sure he’ll break the thing. “I clearly told you not to move last night, so why did you run away and ignore my texts?”
He texted? I’ve had my phone on Do Not Disturb since I got back to the house and only took it out to snap the picture just now. But before I can offer up the flimsy excuse, Nikolai runs his fingers through his loose hair.
“Your push-and-pull game was adorable the first few times, but you need to cut it out. Don’t make me do it for you. We both know my methods don’t agree with your proper manners.”
I suck in a deep breath. “Get out of my life, Nikolai.”
“The answer is no.”
“I want you gone.”
“It’s still no.”
“Do you have no pride?”
“What the fuck is that? Is it edible?”
I release an exasperated sound. “I don’t know why the hell you’re obsessed with me, but I’m telling you that it’s impossible. I’m not gay.”
He bursts out laughing, the sound scraping at the edges of my sanity, and I want to reach out to stop it, but I can’t move.
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up—
“Not gay?” he sneers at me. “Baby, you came three times on my hand, mouth, and fucking fingers. You choked on my cock and came because of a mere prostate fucking. If that isn’t gay, I don’t know what is.”
“Stop talking,” I grit out, trying to fight the pounding in my head.
I need to leave before he sees me for the ugly monster I actually am.
“What the—” He snatches my hand, and for a fraction of a second, I feel like the world is tilting back on its axis.
I inhale his mint scent and spit out disgusting nausea until my stomach settles back down.
Nikolai inspects the plaster on my forearm. “What happened to your arm?”
“It’s just a scratch.” I try to retrieve it, but he tightens his grip on my wrist. Over the watch I never remove.
He narrows his eyes. “Why do you seem to get hurt a lot? The other day, it was your hand, and this time, your arm. You don’t strike me as clumsy.”
I watch his hair flying in the wind and I hate that the only urge I have is to touch it, run my fingers through it.
But I can’t.
Wanting him is a painful struggle. Wanting him is ripping a hole in the very marrow of my existence and making me question everything.
I can’t afford to question everything.
I need my system and routines, and he simply does not belong there.
He’s an error in the matrix.
A plot hole in a story.
“Why do you want me, Nikolai?” I ask instead of answering his question. “We’re nothing alike—I’m too proper for your liking. You’re too violent for my preferences. So why are you this obsessed with me?”
“Do I need a reason?”
“Of course you do.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I don’t need a reason to want you, lotus flower. I just do. And if you put a pause on the useless thoughts cramming that head of yours, you’ll also admit that you just want me, too. Simple. Normal.”
“You don’t even know me.”
“I know you’re such a gentleman and you love running at the same time every day. I also know you’re different from your psycho twin brother and have a good relationship with everyone. Except for Clara, because she’s finally out of the fucking picture, but here’s the most important part.” He smirks. “I also know you love kissing me.”
“I do not.”
“Wanna prove it?”
“Don’t…” I slam a hand to his mouth and he kisses my palm, then licks my fingers, thrusting his tongue between them.
I jerk my arm away. “Why the hell would you lick me? Are you a dog?”
“Woof.” He grins and I can’t even muster the emotions to be mad at him.
Bloody wanker is mental.
“Is there a way I can get rid of you?” I ask, my shoulders hunching.
“If I die, maybe. Scratch that, I’ll haunt the fuck out of you until you join me, my Prince Charming. Then we can have a fuck fest in ghost land.”
“You need help.”
“Then help me, baby.”
I release a groan of frustration, but I can hear my walls cracking and a door opens despite my attempts to slam it shut.
All this time, I’ve refused the very notion that I’m attracted to him. But last night proved me terribly wrong.
I could blame the alcohol or him, but that only worked the first time. Barely.
Pushing him away is futile since he’s a fucking elastic band that keeps snapping back twice as hard.
If I want to remain in control, I need to absorb him into my system. Take things into my own hands. Get bored. Toss him aside.
The end.
A grunt leaves me and he watches me closely as if he’s attempting to read my mind.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
“If this happens, and it’s only an if.” I meet his gaze. “No one knows.”
“Not even Jeremy?”
“No.”
“Not even your sister? She’s all cozy with Kill and we get along.”
“No one.”
His lips push in a pout. “Okay.”
“We’ll only meet in a place no one else knows about.”
“My penthouse. I bought it recently and still haven’t told anyone else about it.”
“Except for Clara.”
“You still jealous about that?”
“I’m not jealous.”
“Whatever floats your boat, my lotus flower.”
“Nikolai.”
“Yes, baby?”
“Don’t call me any of those nicknames in front of anyone else. Don’t act like you know me in public.”
“But why? I want to hang out with you.”
“I don’t. We’re not friends and this is only physical.”
“We’ll see about that.”
“What?”
“What?” he repeats, pretending to be oblivious. “I want to see you all day.”
“Don’t you have school?”
“Not important.”
“Your silly club shenanigans?”
“Not a priority.”
“Have you forgotten that my brother’s club is at odds with yours?”
“What do you have to do with your asshole brother?”
“He’s my twin.”
“Still can’t see why you have to be lumped with him.”
I stare at him for a beat. Nikolai doesn’t hide his disregard for Lan, but he’s also not subtle about his obsession with me. Does he not see that we’re identical twins?
“We’re strangers in public, Nikolai. I mean it.”
“Fiiiine. Any other dictatorial conditions?”
“That’s it for now. I’ll let you know if I come up with anything else.”
“Since we’re done with that stupidity. It’s time for my condition.” He wraps his fingers around my neck. “Don’t run away from me again. If you do, I’ll flip the world upside down to find you. You’re mine now, baby.”
