“Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” Nikolai pauses as soon as we cross my room’s threshold.
Leather jacket in hand, he rubs his nape, causing the white T-shirt to ride up his inked abs.
His jeans hang low on his hips, stretching over his muscular thighs, giving him a lethally attractive edge. His whole look is. From the leather jacket to his hair that’s unfortunately held up now.
His bicep flexes, drawing my attention to the tattoos on his full sleeves, stretching to the backs of his hands. I never thought so many tattoos could be so sexy until Nikolai.
But then again, it might be because the tattoos are on him.
I seem to be irrevocably drawn to everything about him.
If he hadn’t come today, I have no doubt that I would’ve somehow, someway, gravitated toward him again. I would have tried to stay away and failed.
I would’ve pretended to have pride, then crushed it to pieces and sprinted toward him.
He’s beginning to have this undeniable effect on me and that frightens me. Not because of him, but because of me.
Though beginning is a massive lie. He’s had it for a long time, but I just refused to admit it.
Nikolai lets his arm drop to his side, putting a halt to my shameless ogling session.
“I think it’s better if I stay in a guest room,” he says in a careful tone. “I don’t want to give your dad more reason to hate me.”
I can’t help the smile that tugs on my lips. He’s so fucking adorable. He’s been acting like this respectful gentleman in front of my parents, and I could tell he took the entire thing very seriously.
“Don’t smile like that, baby. I’m barely stopping myself from jumping your fucking bones. You know I have no self-control when it comes to you.”
I stand in front of him and lean over so I’m speaking against his tempting lips. “Why start now, then?”
Hot breaths expel out of his mouth and dance along my jaw, drawing goosebumps over the skin.
I swear he’s about to kiss me, but then he steps back with visible difficulty. “Your dad, remember? I don’t want to be on his shit list more than I already am.”
Disappointment tugs on my insides, but I shake my head as I close my bedroom door. “He doesn’t really hate you. He’s just overprotective. If you think that was hate, you should’ve seen the King envoy he dispatched when Killian visited.”
A splash of hope blossoms on his face. “Kill had it worse?”
“Absolutely. You’re much less antagonistic than he is, so Dad was really just giving you a hard time on principle. He’ll eventually warm up to you.”
“Even if he doesn’t, it’s my mission to make him like me.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s your dad and you obviously care about him,” he says as if it’s a given, and I smile again.
I can’t seem to keep control over my jaw muscles today.
“Just don’t come on too strong. He’s very British, so in-your-face emotions are extremely frowned upon. The same applies to both of my grandfathers, by the way.”
“You’re taking me to see your grandads? You must really like me, huh?”
Ah, shit. “I mean one day. If you want. We’re kind of close, so I thought…forget it. And stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” He grins like a damn idiot as he watches me closely.
“Like a gloating twat.”
“I have every right to gloat, baby.” He wraps an arm around my waist and presses me close to his hard chest. “I didn’t think you were so into me that you told your parents about me. Now, you’re even thinking about telling other members of the family.”
“I’m not so into you.”
“Baby, you came out to your parents and introduced me to them. If that’s not into me, I don’t know what is.”
“Well, you’re the one who came all the way here.”
“I told them I was a friend, you could’ve gone with that.”
“No.” I stroke his cheek and he leans into my touch, rubbing his skin on my palm like an eager fucking puppy. Jesus. How can a man be so ruthlessly hot and adorable at the same time? “I don’t want to hide you, Nikolai. I also told Glyn and my friends about us.”
“You…did?”
“A couple of weeks back, yeah. You’re not my dirty secret, and for the record, I was never ashamed of you.”
I was and still am ashamed of myself.
“Baby, you need to stop saying things like that because I’m really never going to let you go now.”
“Who says you have to?”
“Does this mean…we can be in a relationship?”
“I thought we already were?”
“We were?”
“It was a secret, but it wasn’t only physical, either, right?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. You really pissed me off when you said that earlier. I love spending time with you whether we’re fucking or not.”
“Me, too.”
“So we’re going public now? Actually, no question mark, we’re definitely going public. I need everyone to know you’re fucking mine.”
I nod, even though my airway gets constricted. I swallow past it and refuse to let nausea rule my emotions anymore.
“You are mine, Niko.” I tug on his hair. “I thought we’d established that, hmm?”
“Jesus fucking Christ. I love it when you go all possessive on me. I want to eat you the fuck up.”
“Go to sleep and I might let you.”
“You’re kidding, right?” He wedges his legs between mine and presses his erection against my thighs. “There’s no way in fuck I’ll be able to sleep before I devour you, my lotus flower.”
“I thought you were worried about my dad?” I smile against his lips and hiss when his thigh brushes against my hardening dick.
“We can lock the door. I really can’t keep my hands off you, baby. You drive me fucking crazy. Besides, Kolya hates me and has been acting like a literal dick ever since I deprived him of you.”
I burst out laughing and he has this intense look in his eyes before he dips in and bites my lower lip into his mouth. I groan when he sinks his teeth in the sensitive flesh and then swipes his tongue along the mark he left.
His mouth pulls away before I can feast on him, and I try not to look disappointed as I throw a questioning glance his way.
“Mind if I use your shower? I need to get the flight’s grime off me.”
“Uh, yeah, sure.” I point to the far right. “It’s over there. I’ll try to find you some of my loose-fitting clothes.”
“Be right back.” I think he’ll kiss me again, but he grabs my face and brushes his lips on my forehead in a soft, intimate kiss. “I missed you so fucking much, baby.”
I stand rooted in place long after he disappears in the bathroom. My face is so hot, I’m surprised I don’t burst into flames.
Fuck.
Unable to remain standing, I fall against the wall and press a palm to where my heart’s about to jump out of my chest.
Bloody hell.
I’m so irrevocably doomed.
Screw this.
I tug my shirt off and strip out of my sweats and boxers on my way to the bathroom. I don’t even care that I’ve thrown them on the ground a la Nikolai.
My feet pad along the wooden flooring and I slip inside through the ajar door, because Nikolai has never closed the bathroom door. Not once.
Unlike me, he has nothing to hide.
Unlike me, he owns everything about himself, faults and mental issues included.
And for once, I want to rip a page from his book and be as open as he is. As forward as he is. Even if it’s only this time.
Steam swirls around the bathroom and I’m thankful for the fog that covers the mirror as I turn in the direction of the shower.
Nikolai’s clothes are all over the floor as usual, but I don’t give a fuck about that.
My breath hitches when I see him standing beneath the showerhead, facing the wall as water cascades in rivulets down the intricate ink on his back, sliding to the dips in his arse and over his muscular tattooed thighs.
He tilts his head back to rinse away the shampoo and his black hair gets glued to his neck, reaching the blades of his rippling shoulders.
My lips part as I watch his closed eyes beneath the stream, the sharp line of his jaw, and the dark shadow of his stubble.
He’s, hands down, the hottest man that ever walked the earth. I just can’t keep my eyes or hands off him.
I’m walking on air as I reach the glass door and pull it open.
He doesn’t seem to notice as he grabs the shower gel bottle and smiles a little when he sniffs it.
I stand behind him, getting soaked in a second, slide my arms on either side of him, and grab the bottle—or start to.
He swings around fast and slams me to the door with his forearm to my throat. My dick twitches and holds an immediate standing ovation.
Christ. Why do I love it so much when he gets rough?
Nikolai’s grip loosens when his eyes meet mine. “Baby? What are you doing here…oh, fuck me. Don’t tell me you’re joining me in the shower?”
“Isn’t that obvious?” I coax his arm away and he releases me but only because I take the shower gel from him.
“Couldn’t stay away, huh?”
“No, I couldn’t. I need to touch you.”
His lips part and I catch a glimpse of his cock thickening. “Holy fuck. I expected your usual shut up.”
“Not today.” I squirt the body wash on my palm and lather it over his shoulder blades, enjoying the rippling of his muscles beneath my hands.
I quickly come to the realization that I really love washing him. Why the hell haven’t I done this before?
Oh, right. Because you’re broken and trying hard not to look like it.
“Jesus fucking Christ. Love it when you touch me.” He groans, his palms landing on my hips, stroking and feeling me up.
It’s the sweetest distraction.
“You do?”
“You must know how much of a glutton I am for your touch, baby. I’m so hard, I’m bursting to be inside you.”
I smile, but it falters when I reach his pectoral muscle and find a new tattoo in the spot he left blank on purpose.
My hands freeze as I study the artistic patterns of the lotus flower and make out the elegant font beneath it that reads Property of B. King. He had it inked on the spot that he said was for something special.
“Fuck…” I breathe, pressure forming behind my eyes as I look up at him. “When…did you get this?”
“After that night when I came to see you outside the mansion.”
“When you were on your high?”
“It wasn’t an impulse, if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve been wanting to do it for some time.”
My heart aches, and I want to say so many things, but all I manage is a choked, “Thanks.”
He narrows his eyes, and it looks so erotic with water cascading down his face. “You’re not panicking?”
“Why would I?”
“Because this means I love the fucking shit out of you, baby. I can’t live without you and you’re not allowed to leave me.”
My lips part and I watch him with a lump in my throat and my heart thundering so loudly, I can hear it over the buzzing in my ears.
“Hello?” He waves a hand in my face. “You going to say something? You’re starting to freak me out.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” I whisper the words that feel as if they’re being pulled from deep in my battered soul.
“Then don’t.”
He says it as if it’s simple. And it is simple for him. I wish it was the same for me.
I wish I could be the man he deserves.
I wish I could say the words back and not be flooded with the black ink and nausea.
Since I can’t, I get on my tiptoes and seal my lips to his. For the first time, my kiss is gentle, imploring, wanting to explore him, to express the burning feelings I can’t say out loud.
My fingers slide in his hair and I pull him closer until our chests press together, and we kiss under the water stream.
Nikolai’s arms wrap around my back to fuse us closer, but he doesn’t rush it, doesn’t turn it into a lustful frenzy like we’re used to.
Maybe it’s because he, too, knows this isn’t about lust anymore. It stopped being about lust a long time ago.
For me, it was never about lust. I was drawn to him, which is why I wanted him. It wasn’t the other way around.
We kiss for what feels like hours. We kiss until it’s impossible to breathe in anything but each other’s air.
My hand strokes his hair while the other slides over his shoulder, back, and waist, then I grab a handful of his arse and grind him against me.
He releases a low rumble that explodes from his lips all the way to his chest. I feel every vibration against my heated skin.
All the blood rushes to my already aching cock and it pulses with need.
Nikolai hisses when I plant one leg between his and wrap the other around his thigh. His cock brushes against mine, the pierced crown eliciting primal pleasure from deep inside me. The new angle lets him rub the length of his dick against mine, sliding, rutting until we’re panting in each other’s mouths.
The sucking sounds of our lips echo louder, needier, now in the midst of streaming water as I hump him with a desire so colossal, I feel like I can’t survive if I don’t touch him.
I reach between us and tighten my first around our cocks, jerking us in a firm grip, squeezing the way he loves it.
All this time, I’ve been so attuned to what and where he likes to be touched that I’ve become an expert in sucking his balls dry. Literally.
It took me time compared to his experience and natural talent, but I’m nothing if not a fast learner.
His sharp intake of air gives me the incentive to go rougher until he’s bucking his hips and fucking my hand.
“Jesus, fuck, baby. You know how to make a man lose his mind.” He blows out a sharp exhale against my swollen lips.
I fist his hair tighter. “Not just any man. You.”
“Not just any man,” he repeats with a blinding possessiveness. “Me. Only fucking me.”
“Tell me you’re mine,” I order and it’s such a low blow when he’s trapped in the cloud of lust, but I want to hear it.
“I’ve been yours since I met you, baby.” He rubs his chest against mine. “I literally have the ink to prove it.”
“Umm. Fuck. I love the tattoo.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh. It’s my favorite of yours. I want to feast on it and you.”
“Holy fucking shit. You need to stop talking dirty or I’ll come here and now.”
“Then come.”
“Nope.” He bites my lower lip. “Need.” Kiss. “Inside.” Lick. “You.”
My head is in shambles, but I have enough clarity to grab him by the wrist and pull him behind me. I don’t even bother to dry us, but he fetches his trousers and grabs his wallet, then throws it down again.
“Uh, baby? I don’t want to freak you out, but we’re dripping all over the place.”
“Fuck it.”
“Oh wow. Who are you and what have you done to my OCD lotus flower?”
“Less talking and more fucking, Niko.” I push him onto my bed and straddle him, grinding my arse against his erection.
“Fucking hell, you’re on a roll today. You’re driving me fucking mental, as you say.” He grins in that sexy way that leaves my heart distraught.
I kiss him because I can’t not kiss him. I’m addicted to his taste, to the way his jaw clenches beneath my fingers, the way he growls like he can’t get enough of me.
I’m addicted to him and have been through enough withdrawals for a lifetime.
From now on, he’s not allowed to leave my sight.
Nikolai pulls back only to wrench out a packet from his wallet and then tosses it to the side.
I breathe heavily, brows drawn. “Since when do we use condoms?”
“Not condoms. Lube. I figured you didn’t have any here.”
“I didn’t think you’d come over…do you go around carrying packets of lube?”
“Only when I’m going to see you.”
“You’re actually thinking ahead for once.”
“Gotta impress you, baby.”
“Consider me impressed.”
“Mmm. Your husky voice is hot as fuck.” He tears the packet of lube with his teeth and that sight isn’t supposed to make me leak so desperately over my abs.
Playfulness and intensity dance in his dark-blue eyes as he squirts the liquid on his palm and circles my rim. I lift myself higher so he has better access. His finger thrusts inside me and I arch as he opens me up with shallow pumps of his hand before he adds a second finger.
A burst of pleasure goes through me when he teases that button of pleasure inside me, but through it all, I don’t stop looking at him, watching him, drowning in that enchanting gaze.
God, I missed him.
I’m never allowing him out of my sight again.
He’s mine.
Mine.
Fucking mine.
“You’re drooling, baby. Am I that hot?”
“The hottest, if you ask me.”
“Jesus fucking Christ. You’re going to be the death of me today.”
“Don’t die.” I spread some of the lube on his length. “I need your cock inside me.”
“Fucking fuck. I meant to prime you properly, but I can’t take this anymore.” He removes his fingers and clutches my hips and positions me on top of him. “Sit on my cock. Let me watch your sexy face as you ride me.”
Heat of desire explodes inside me, and I hold myself on one hand as I fist his rock-hard cock with the other and then guide him inside me. My dick twitches when the crown slips in and I bite the corner of my lip as I go all the way down.
My groan mixes with Nikolai’s and I breathe harshly as his huge cock stretches me open. I close my eyes to soak in the sensation and the otherworldly feel of him in me.
“Open those beautiful eyes. Look at me.”
I blink and my breathing is chopped off when I find his intense gaze devouring me whole.
Oh fuck.
I always loved the way he looks at me, how he seems so in tune with me more than I’ll ever be in tune with myself.
But most of all, I love how he likes me when I couldn’t care less about my own existence.
“You feel so good, baby. I can be buried inside you for eternity, you know that?”
“Mmmfuck. It feels so full.” I lift myself up and then come down in shallow thrusts. “I missed your cock in me.”
“Holy fucking shit. From now on, I’m going to need you to be on whatever drug you’re on today.”
“That’s easy.” I pick up the pace, riding him in a long, unhurried rhythm, then I place a palm on his chest and flick my fingers on the lotus flower tattoo. “The drug in me is you.”
I can feel his cock thickening inside me as he curses. He jerks his hips up to meet my fall down, but he doesn’t rush the pace and lets me fuck myself on his cock slowly, enjoying every lick of desire and every roll of my hips to take him fully.
Every scrape of his piercings and every groan of pleasure breaks me apart little by little.
He can’t get deep enough or fuck me hard enough. He’s wrong. I don’t need drugs. I’m high on his smell, his touch, but most of all that look in his eyes.
It’s not lust. It’s love. He looks at me like he loves me, and that nearly makes me burst into both pleasure and tears.
He strokes his hand on my thigh and hips before he fists my cock and jerks me in the same rhythm I fuck him, slow and measured, as our eyes clash and my heart nearly spills out. If the beat beneath my fingers is of any indication, then his heart is also on the verge of exploding.
I realize with astounding clarity that I’m not fucking him. I’m making love to him.
He’s not only touching my body. He’s breaching my newly born heart and my bruised soul.
He pulls back the foreskin and teases my tip, using the precum to lube me up until the sloppy sounds echo in the air. He squeezes and teases my balls in the right places until I’m delirious.
“I love how you ride my cock, baby, but do you know what I love more?” He flashes me the most gorgeous smile. “You.”
I don’t even feel the wave until it submerges me. My balls tighten and the release rushes through me in powerful waves. My cum squirts all over his hand and abs as he thrusts deeper inside me, fucking me to oblivion through my orgasm.
“Fucking Christ, I love watching you come.” He growls before he fills me up with his cum.
I roll my hips, riding him until his cock deflates inside me, then I lift myself up and moan when I feel his cum dripping out of me.
Both of us watch it soaking his cock and balls before I fall as a heap all over his solid chest and bury my face in the crook of his neck.
We breathe heavily as I nuzzle my nose in his wet hair and he sandwiches my legs between his.
“Sorry…fuck.” I try to get up. “Am I crushing you?”
Nikolai wraps his arms around my waist and shoves me back down. “No way in fuck you’re moving right now.”
I chuckle against his neck. “I don’t think I can, to be honest.”
“Fuck right. That was the top-five fuck of my entire life.”
My throat works with a swallow as the pleasure haze slowly withers away. “What are your top four?”
“In no particular order. The first time I made you come. The first time I sucked you off. First time I fucked you. The second time I fucked you after you were all jealous. The first time you got on your knees for me. That time you jumped me as soon as I stepped into the penthouse and demanded I fuck you. The time you agreed to stay. The time you woke me up with your lips around my cock.”
“That’s more than four and they’re all about me.”
“You’re the best fuck of my life, baby.”
I lift myself up and cross my arms on his chest so that I’m looking at his handsome face and his glorious damp hair splaying on the pillow. “You want me to believe I’m better than all the men and women you fucked your way through?”
“They were only physical. They meant nothing.”
“And I do?”
“Baby, you mean fucking everything.”
My heart does that violent thud again and I’d swear he can feel it against his chest, but I don’t care enough to pull away from him.
I tease my fingers over his new tattoo, a sense of raging possessiveness engulfing me. “Good. Because you’re my property, Niko. You have the ink to prove it.”
“And you are mine,” he breathes out with the same intense possessiveness.
He drags my lips to his and we kiss for what seems like an eternity. Then I lift myself enough to retrieve some wet tissues to clean us up before I prop myself back up on his chest.
Nikolai spears his hand beneath his head and watches me with that permanent grin that I’m only privy to.
It slowly disappears and a frown appears on its behalf.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
He grabs my wrist and my breathing is cut off when he removes my watch. I don’t stop him, even though every fiber of my being demands I do.
My heart aches when he releases a puff of relief upon seeing I haven’t indulged in my self-destructing habits.
I expect him to let me go, but he strokes his thumb over the scarred skin, and the more he touches me, the harder it is to breathe.
My fucked-up head starts fogging up and I plunge headfirst into the inky lake of my mental state.
I try to pull my hand free, but Nikolai’s firm grip keeps it in place as he gauges my expression.
“Remember the part where you don’t get to hide from me anymore?”
“I don’t think now is a good time…”
He shakes his head and the words get stuck in my throat.
Nikolai’s touch turns softer and his voice becomes more gentle. “Tell me, baby. I just want to understand and help you. If you don’t speak to me, I don’t know where to start.”
“I’m fine—”
“What did I say about that fucking word?”
“I’m really okay now. I’m over it.”
“I’m not sure if you’re lying to me or yourself at this point.”
“Can’t you just let it go?”
“No, I can’t just let it go when it’s a huge part of who you are. Why can’t you tell me? Do you not trust me?”
“No, no, of course I do.” It’s because I trust him so much that I’m scared shitless about his reaction.
He’ll leave you when he knows what you’ve done. Everyone else will see you as the weakling you are.
I swallow past the lump in my throat as that voice hammers inside my head.
“Then why the fuck are you hiding from me?” His voice drips with frustration and I want to erase that, I want to protect him, especially from myself.
Because he shouldn’t love me. I’ll hurt him, even unintentionally, I know I will.
But I offer him something, just a little truth. “Remember when I told you I hate myself?”
He nods, his expression easing, and he goes completely still, as if my words are a ceremony he wouldn’t dare disrupt.
“A long time ago, I did something so fucked up and I never…forgave myself for it. Every time I look in the mirror, I see that version of me, and I can’t stand it. The need to crash and burn it flows inside me every second of every fucking day. That’s also why I stopped drawing people, animals, or anything with eyes. I feel as if they’re my own reflection from the mirror following me everywhere.” I smile with difficulty. “The only reason why I never took a shower with you is because I didn’t want you to witness that version of me whenever I look at the bathroom mirror. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” His voice softens. “Can you tell me what you did to make you feel that way?”
“One day. I just need to get my shit together to be able to talk about it. Can you wait?”
“Absolutely, and, baby?” He kisses the top of my head and his next words nearly give me a heart attack. “Even if you hate yourself, I’ll love you for the both of us.”
