Panic slipped into bed with me the next morning.
The sheets were otherwise empty, so I felt the arms of anxiety like a straitjacket as they wrapped me up tight and held me against my will.
“Oh, God,” I whispered to myself, hand against my heart as I rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. It wasn’t even dawn yet, the room still cast in a calm darkness. “Oh, God.”
I slept with Leo Hernandez.
I slept with Leo fucking Hernandez.
I slapped my forehead, shaking my head even as I tried to calm myself down. It’s fine, I tried to convince myself. Everything is fine.
But I couldn’t squeeze my eyes shut hard enough to block out the abrasive thoughts as they punched me from every angle.
I felt like a fool.
Yes, Leo had seemed genuine in his apologies — both for the past and the present. And yes, he’d let me tattoo him, marking him for life. Also, yes, I’d wanted him. I’d wanted him in this bed with me, wanted his hands and mouth all over me, wanted all of him inside me.
But now that I was alone in the aftermath of my decisions, I couldn’t drown out the loud voice inside me saying it could all be a lie.
What if he did know it was me all those years ago? What if he was disgusted when he saw me? What if he was so embarrassed he blew me off in front of his friends, but was so selfish he pretended like it didn’t happen when he tried to call me that night? What if he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too?
And what if he knew it was me when I moved across the street? What if he saw how I’d changed, and so he continued playing dumb, all while making me his next conquest?
How many times had I witnessed him relentlessly pursuing another girl — whether it was a cheerleader or a sorority girl or some random partying at The Pit?
How was I supposed to believe him when he said he never felt for any of them the way he felt for me when that was years ago? We were in high school. We never even held hands, let alone anything else physical. And judging from his performance last night, I knew he’d had plenty of experience.
My stomach turned with that thought, even though I had no right to feel any sort of way considering I was far from a virgin myself.
Still, even as my anxiety warned me away from Leo, I felt a possessiveness over him that I couldn’t fight. Why was it so hard to believe that he’d had me on his mind all these years, if I’d felt the same way about him?
I wanted to believe him.
I wanted to live in the world where I was the source of Leo Hernandez’s desire, where he meant it when he said he wanted to make it up to me, that he wanted me to be his.
But how could he?
How could someone who looked like him, who had talent like he had and a future in the fucking NFL want anything to do with me?
I was wound so tight that I jumped when the bedroom door creaked open, and Leo slipped inside, already dressed for practice with his gym bag slung over his shoulder. He dropped it at the door before crossing the room in three wide strides and climbing into bed with me.
It was a betrayal, the way my heart calmed when he was near, how my breathing leveled out just at the sight of him. When his scent surrounded me, I sighed with relief, like his presence was grounding me to the reality I wanted to believe.
“Did I wake you?” he asked, nuzzling his nose in my neck as he curled around me.
I shook my head, but didn’t answer, and I felt myself stiffening in his arms as my anxious thoughts crept back in. Leo noticed immediately, frowning as he propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at me. His brows furrowed with one look at my face.
“I woke myself,” I said, just above a whisper.
“You look like you saw a ghost.”
I hated that my eyes welled with tears, that my skin burned with the restraint to hold them at bay. But it was no use. One tear slipped out of my eye and down to my ear before Leo swiped it away with his thumb.
“Hey,” he said, searching my eyes. “What’s that about?”
That only made me shake my head harder, and I covered my face with my hands so I wouldn’t have to look at him, so he couldn’t look at me while I fell apart.
When I didn’t take my hands away, he covered them with his own. “Talk to me,” he pleaded.
My chest was so tight I thought I’d burst.
“Leo! We gotta go, man!” Kyle called from downstairs.
Leo cursed, but I just inhaled a steadying breath before wiping my face clean and pushing him gently. “Go. Don’t be late for practice, I’m fine.”
He gave me a look that said bullshit.
“I’ll be fine,” I amended.
He shook his head, sweeping my hair from my face. “I don’t want to leave you like this.”
For a long moment, Leo’s eyes flicked between mine, the concern growing in his features. And when he looked at me like that, it made it so easy to believe every word he’d said was real.
“Last night was…” He swallowed, thumbing my jaw. “Everything. It was everything to me, Stig.”
I nodded, leaning into his palm and closing my eyes. The motion set two more tears free, and Leo let out a pained sigh.
“Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Leo!” This time it was a chorus from our roommates, and I shoved him more forcefully toward the door.
“Go. We can talk later.”
Leo cursed again before taking my hands in his. He kissed each knuckle before leaning down and pressing a long, promising kiss to my lips.
“Whatever lies your brain is telling you, don’t believe them,” he pleaded. Then, with his hand holding mine until he had no choice but to pull away, he jogged out the door and down the stairs, grabbing his bag off the floor on the way out.
Once I heard the front door shut, my heart went into double time again.
See? Everything is fine, my brain tried to assure me.
No, it’s not, my heart combatted.
Back and forth like a rag doll in the jaws of a pit bull, my emotions tore through me, and I had no choice but to lay there and let them for what felt like hours.
It was all I could do to eventually peel myself out of bed, shower, and drag my ass downstairs to make coffee. I couldn’t stomach the thought of food. All I could do was watch the clock until it was a decent time late in the morning, and then I immediately texted the group chat between me, Julep, Riley, and Giana.
Me: S.O.S.
Less than a minute passed before my phone was ringing, and I answered the video call request to find a sleepy Julep staring back at me.
“Mary? What’s going on?”
“Are you still sleeping?” I asked, checking the time. It was half past eleven.
“I was up late working on wedding stuff, and then I was too wound up to sleep so I poled for a while,” she explained, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she sat up more in bed. “What’s up, why the S.O.S.?”
Riley joined the video chat next. Her ponytail swung behind her as she walked through the locker room out into the hallway. I realized then she was probably in the middle of practice or about to watch game film.
Giana came on last, and she was at the stadium, too, in her office. It was dark enough that the phone screen reflected on the lenses of her glasses.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s a weird time of day, everyone’s busy. Riley, you’re at practice. Giana, you’re at work.” I shook my head. “Just call later, I’m fine.”
“Absolutely not,” Giana said, holding up one threatening finger. “I swear to God, if you hang up this phone, I will beat you with a book.”
If I wasn’t so paralyzed by anxiety, I would have laughed.
“We have twenty minutes until meetings start,” Riley added. “What’s going on, Mary?”
“Um… well…” I dropped my head back against the kitchen cabinet behind me. “I slept with Leo last night.”
“What?!” They said the word all together, all at once, and then Julep burst into confused laughter while Riley and Giana did various versions of happy dances.
“I knew it!” Giana said with a fist pump. “You two looked less than thirty seconds from eating each other outside the bar the other night.”
“This explains why Leo had a monster practice this morning,” Riley added with a smirk. “Little shithead has been a walking ego all day.”
“Okay, one,” Julep said, holding up a finger. “I feel like I need some background because last I knew, you hated the guy. And two,” she added. “Why do you look more like someone who got mugged rather than railed last night?”
Again, I wanted to laugh, but instead, my lower lip wobbled. “I wish I knew. I just… I’m a mess,” I whispered, and then cursed when I started crying again.
“Oh, babe,” Julep said, and I knew if she was with me, she’d have one hand petting my hair by now. “There are always big emotions after the first time. I freaked out when it happened with Holden, too.”
I nodded but couldn’t help but feel like my freakout was much more warranted than hers had been. Sure, Holden had been off limits for her, but there was no question ever about how he felt for her. We all saw it clear as day.
With Leo, we’d all seen him throw himself at every girl with long hair and a nice rack.
My stomach sank, and I felt two seconds away from vomiting.
The girls all gently consoled me until I got it together, and then Riley let out a sigh. “Honestly, I’m really glad you called. I’m not in the best shape either. My agent has pretty much confirmed that I have zero chance of being drafted, so it looks like this will be my last season playing football.”
“I’m so sorry, Riles,” Giana said softly. “I’ve been out of it, too. I’m in the biggest book funk of my life.”
Julep snorted. “No offense, G, but I don’t think that counts as an actual problem.”
“Do you know what it feels like? Have you ever gone through a slump when you couldn’t pole, when you didn’t want to pole?”
Julep frowned at that. “I have, actually. It’s the worst.”
“See?! I haven’t read more than a page since I finished that Elsie Silver cowboy romance two weeks ago.” She pouted. “I’m ruined.”
“Wow, so all of us are on the struggle bus?” Julep asked with a laugh. “I guess it only took one of us admitting it for the rest of us to follow suit.”
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“Oh, other than planning a wedding on my own since my fiancé is working twenty-four-seven now that the season has started, and the fact that I graduated four months ago and still don’t have a job?” She shrugged. “Not much.”
“You know what we need,” Riley said. “A girls’ night.”
“No,” Julep said. “Not just any girls’ night. The girls’ night.”
Riley, Giana, and I frowned in confusion, but Julep just grinned and waggled her brows.
“You bitches down for an impromptu bachelorette party?”
