I SAT THERE, bellied up to the bar, feeling like I was getting an ulcer as the wounded sound of Sophie’s voice kept playing in my head, over and over again. I wanted to scrap this plan and go talk to her—about every pathetic thing—but now that I was here, I might as well finish what I’d started.
The second I was done, though, I promised myself that I’d grab champagne and ice cream and run to Soph’s.
Just as I thought that, I saw long red hair and big green eyes out of the corner of my eye.
Lili was here.
The familiar pang of . . . something slammed into me as our eyes met and she smiled.
I’d thought about that smile so many fucking times over the years that it was ridiculous, honestly, and seeing it felt like returning to something comfortable, like visiting a house you used to live in.
“Hey, you,” she said, giving me a friendly hug before taking the stool beside me.
“Lil,” I said, motioning to the bartender to get her a drink. “What do you want—pinot?”
Her smile grew a little bigger. “Of course.”
I didn’t know how to broach the delicate subject, but I supposed it wasn’t my job to protect her anymore. I wanted to just say my piece—for my conscience’s sake—and get the hell out of there.
“So, the reason I wanted to talk to you.”
“Ah, yes,” she said, and I realized she looked different. Better. She’d always been beautiful, but there was something more relaxed in her smile, more alive in her eyes.
Maybe that was because it’d been a while, but she looked happy.
Shit, I’d probably never seen her look happy because she’d been with me.
“I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to spill it.”
“Oh, God,” she said, pushing her long hair behind her ear and crossing her arms. “This can’t be good.”
“It’s not.” I started talking, giving her a light version of what was happening. I told her that my best friend’s roommate’s sister knew her fiancé, and there were rumors that he thought she was having an affair and he was considering calling off the wedding.
“It’s very possible that he’ll do nothing and the wedding will go off as planned,” I said, unable to tell what she was thinking, “but I thought you deserved to know so you didn’t marry someone who wasn’t absolutely certain about you.”
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t for her to close her eyes and say, “Thank God.”
“I’m sorry . . . ?” I watched as nothing but relief showed on her face. “What?”
She exhaled. “I’m not having a physical affair, Max, but I’ve had feelings for someone else for a long time, and it’s recently come to my attention that he feels the same way.”
“Oh?” I said, and as she sipped her wine, it occurred to me that I didn’t feel the way I’d always felt around her. She was gorgeous and smelled good and I liked her, but I didn’t feel suffocated by how badly I wanted her in my life.
It had simmered into more of an affection, of a warmth for someone who used to be important to me.
Hell, I wanted to get out my phone and text Soph that very second that I’d had a breakthrough.
But would she take my call?
“To be honest, I’ve been brazen about texting this other person in an attempt to get Garrett to call it off.”
“That seems kind of shitty,” I said, picking up my pint glass.
“I know,” she agreed, “but my parents adore him, and I’ve been too scared to do it myself.”
It doesn’t matter. Out of nowhere, that thought came to mind. Her life—and what was happening in it—didn’t matter to me. At all. Get married, don’t get married; it didn’t matter.
When in the hell had this happened?
I wanted the best for her, but her relationships no longer mattered to me.
“So what are you going to do?” I asked, feeling relieved that my responsibility was over and also that—holy shit—I was apparently finally over her.
She sighed but didn’t sound too worried. “What I should’ve done all along. I’m going to go over to G’s and talk to him.”
“Good,” I said, so fucking glad this was no longer on my plate.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” I answered, just wanting to get out of there now that I was done. “What is it?”
“Why did you text me and then meet up with me when you could’ve just said, ‘Not my problem,’ and moved on? I mean, we haven’t talked in years.”
I have no idea, I thought, but before I could say the words, I realized that yes, I did know.
“Because I’ll always care about you, Lil, regardless of whether we’re in each other’s lives.”
The second I left the bar, I dropped my truck home and quickly changed. Then I stopped at Cenex for champagne and Ted & Wally’s for ice cream, and I picked up a bouquet of assorted summer flowers from the corner vendor.
Time to celebrate.
I nearly sprinted to her building, and when I got to the lobby, I buzzed her apartment.
“What?” Rose responded, her voice booming through the airy foyer.
Of course I’d get Rose.
“It’s Max, here to see Sophie.”
“She doesn’t want to see you, Julian,” the woman yelled, sounding like her entire mouth was on the speaker. “Go away.”
“Will you please tell her I have ice cream?” I said, wondering if Soph had actually said that she didn’t want to see me.
I knew she was irritated with me for backing out, but I also knew she’d forgive me when I told her where I’d been and about my breakthrough.
“She doesn’t care,” Rose said, but she buzzed me in. I pulled open the door, confused, but then I heard her squawk, “Damn it, Larry, did you buzz him in?”
God bless you, Larry.
I jumped into the open elevator and banged on the button, eager to get up there and right things with us. It was bad enough that I had these big feelings for her when she wanted nothing from me, so the last thing I wanted was for our friendship to be on uneven footing as well.
When I got to her door and knocked, Rose jerked it open.
“You don’t want to talk to her right now, Jules,” she said quietly. “Trust me.”
“Max?” Larry walked into the living room, looking at me with eyebrows in his hairline as he said in disbelief, “Did you fucking warn the bride, you little asshole?”
Well, that news traveled fast. “Where did you hear that?”
“Because the bride called off the wedding after an ‘old friend’ told her to.”
Fuuuuuck. “Larry, is Sophie—”
“I’m right here.” Her cheeks were flushed as she came from the hallway and headed straight for me. “And please answer Larry’s question.”
“We’re going outside,” Larry said, and proceeded to grab Rose’s sleeve and drag her out onto the balcony. I watched them bump into each other and wondered what the hell I’d missed.
She couldn’t be that upset, could she?
As soon as they went outside, it felt heavy and quiet in the apartment. Sophie glared at me, her chin raised and her eyes narrowed behind those glasses.
I said, “I brought you champa—”
“Did you warn your ex?”
I sighed and shifted my weight to one foot, still confused. “It’s not quite that melodramatic, Soph. I just gave her a heads-up that—”
“How could you do that?” she asked, and her voice was loud and pissed. “I got the job, I took the job, and I was going to discreetly do the job—the way we’ve always done it, to help someone out. I cannot believe you just went behind my back and spilled everything to Lilifuckingbeth.”
What the hell was that? I searched her face for a clue as I said, “I told you I couldn’t—”
“But why couldn’t you?” She pushed her hair out of her face and said, “Why the hell couldn’t you just live your life without reconnecting with her? It’s not normal, Max, that you’d feel so protective of your ex that you’d move heaven and earth to save her, regardless of what everyone else wanted.”
I didn’t know what to say, because holy shit, her anger seemed misplaced.
The things she was ranting about made her sound almost . . . jealous, which couldn’t be the case.
Could it?
I felt a little jittery as I looked into her eyes and told her the truth. “I’m sorry, Soph, but I just couldn’t hurt her like that.”
“But you were fine with hurting me,” she said, and her voice was tight.
I hurt her. If going to Lili had hurt her, that meant Sophie cared. Didn’t it? I stepped closer, my heart pounding as I said quietly, “Soph, did I hurt you?”
Her eyes were on mine, just holding for a minute, and I couldn’t stop myself from tucking her hair behind her ears as we watched each other.
And then I watched her realize what she’d said.
A wrinkle formed between her eyebrows as I watched her realize that it might be true.
Her eyes darted everywhere and she blinked fast, her thoughts running wild, and she gave her head a little shake. “No.”
“It’s okay,” I said, desperate to reassure her. I held up my hands and said, “Just because you might feel something—”
“I don’t,” she interrupted, stepping back from me.
“But if you do,” I said calmly, “that doesn’t mean anything—”
“I don’t, okay, Max?” she snapped, her eyes panicked like a trapped animal. “I don’t.”
I swallowed and decided to burn down the world with the next words I spoke. “Well, I do.”
She inhaled sharply, and one of her hands came to her throat. “No, you don’t.”
“Damn it, Sophie, I do. I’m crazy about you, but that doesn’t mean things between us have to—”
“There is no ‘between us,’ ” she said in disgust, looking everywhere but my face. “God, Max, I told you I didn’t want this.”
“I didn’t, either, but it’s here.” I clenched my jaw as emotion slammed into me, as every feeling I’d ever felt for her decided to make itself known at that very second. “I fought it hard, because trust me, this is the last thing I want. But now you consume me, Soph, every single part of me, and I like it. I can’t drive without thinking about your impractical car, can’t run without thinking about the way you run, can’t put on a fucking hard hat without picturing the way you looked in that stupid yellow hat. Somehow you’ve become my center, and God help me, it feels right.”
“No,” she whispered, not even to me but to herself, and a tear escaped from the corner of her eye. I waited, waited even longer as my heart raced.
“Tell me you don’t think about that night in Detroit all the fucking time,” I said, needing to remind her. “We’re unreal together, Soph, it’s so good.”
Sophie swallowed and closed her eyes, but when they opened again, I just knew. There was a decision there, in the depths of those whiskey eyes, and I hated it. She said, “Please go.”
“Please go?” I felt the knife go through my heart and shook my head, pissed. At her. “Is that really what you’re going to say when I just bared my goddamn soul to you?”
She wiped at her cheeks, looking so sad that it broke my heart, and said, “Please, Max, just go.”
