On a normal day toward the end of September, I knew it was time.
Or at least Gordo knew for me, and didn’t seem to have a problem telling me as much.
“You’re being fucking stupid about this,” he growled as he closed the door to his office in the garage. He pointed to the chair in front of his desk. I thought about arguing, but the look on his face made me keep my mouth shut. He wasn’t here for my shit.
I sat down, refusing to look at him.
He sighed as he sank back down into his own chair. “Kid, I don’t know why you want to drag this out.”
“Yeah, well. Who wants to remember the time they almost killed two members of their pack?”
He grunted as he scratched the stump of his arm. “It’s more than that.”
I grimaced. “That’s not—”
“What are you so scared of? Aileen and Patrice said it has to be—”
“I know what they said,” I snapped. I took off my glasses and scrubbed a hand over my face. “I just….”
“You just….”
I didn’t want to say it out loud. It sounded ridiculous even to me. But I didn’t think Gordo was going to let me out of here without saying something. And if I couldn’t talk to him about it, I probably wouldn’t ever say anything at all. I gnawed on my bottom lip before saying, “What if I don’t like the person I was?”
He blinked. “What?”
I tried to keep my frustration down. “I’ve got this… this life. I’ve made it for myself, even after everything. What if I get my memories back and everything changes? What if I don’t like who I was and who I’ll become? There’s no going back after this.” I looked at him hopefully. “Unless you could take it all away again if I—”
“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. I wouldn’t do that to you, kid.”
I deflated. “It’s hard.”
“I know. But you’re being a dick about it.”
“Hey!”
He sat forward, elbows on the desk. He looked grumpy as fuck, and I felt a surge of affection for him. This ridiculous man who for some reason loved me like a brother. Which, of course, I didn’t necessarily talk about out loud, given how touchy the subject of brothers was at the moment. I knew Gordo talked to Mark about Gavin, though not the specifics. Other than that, Gordo didn’t mention him at all. But I knew he was hurting, maybe almost as much as Carter was.
After the fight, Joe had decided to stay in Caswell for a while to give everyone there time to get used to him, to help them rebuild their homes and lives. He also wanted to make sure that no one was still under Livingstone’s hold. Michelle had been their Alpha. Livingstone had taken that power away from her, but he hadn’t asserted control over the compound. He’d just left. He’d gotten what he wanted. Mostly.
A few of the wolves had left, not wanting anything to do with the Bennetts. Santos, the one who’d been guarding Dale and who’d gone after Alpha Wells and her pack, had been one of them. I didn’t know if he went looking for Livingstone, but he was there one day and then gone the next, without so much as a note left behind.
I had a feeling we’d see him again.
But Joe’s favor with his new pack rose when he honored Michelle Hughes with a pyre worthy of an Alpha, regardless of all that she’d done. She’d burned, and when she was nothing but smoke and ash, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I allowed myself a few tears over her, but that was all.
There was brief discussion of trying to get everyone moved to Green Creek, but packing everyone up and bringing them cross-country wasn’t in the cards. There wasn’t room, at least not yet. I thought Joe and Ox were making plans, preliminary though they were. Elizabeth, Carter, and Tanner had stayed with him in Caswell initially, with Ox going back and forth, but they’d come back a week before, just as they had the previous full moon at the beginning of the month. I hadn’t been ready then. I didn’t know if I was now.
I told myself we had bigger things to focus on.
Healing.
Putting our lives back together.
Looking for Livingstone and Gavin, though they had all but disappeared.
But….
It was on me, Aileen and Patrice had informed us. It was all on me. The reason I hadn’t snapped back like Carter and Mark had after Livingstone had initially died, the reason my door hadn’t shattered like theirs, was because I didn’t want it to.
I was holding it closed.
“You’re frightened,” Aileen said quietly, “of what you’ll find. Of remembering all that has happened. And that fear is stronger than any magic Robert Livingstone ever had. Until you conquer that fear, you’ll remain as you are.”
I didn’t want to believe her or Patrice, but I knew they were right.
Kelly didn’t push. I didn’t know why until he told me that he would support whatever decision I made. But I thought there was something in his eyes, something in his voice that proved him a liar, even though his heart remained steady.
I loved him fiercely.
What if that changed? What if nothing was ever the same?
It didn’t hurt that he was distracted too, trying to get Carter to open up. Carter, who had turned surly and gruff, who rarely smiled or spoke. I heard their many one-sided conversations as Kelly pleaded with him over the phone to no avail. It upset him, but I didn’t know what else could be done aside from finding Gavin and bringing him back.
Carter had nearly bitten Kelly’s head off when he said as much. I heard the anger in his voice when he snapped that Gavin had made his choice, and he didn’t give a fuck about it.
Elizabeth said Carter spent a lot of time alone in the refuge outside Caswell. I hoped he was finding peace in the trees like I had.
“This isn’t just for you,” Gordo said now, voice soft. “I… look, kid. I won’t pretend to know what it’s like between you and Kelly, but I do know what it’s like to be mated to a wolf. And all the baggage that comes with it. Things are better now with Mark, but we’ve had to fight tooth and nail, fang and claw to get where we are. Loving a wolf… it’s hard. Especially when one of those wolves is a Bennett. We don’t have normal lives.”
I snorted despite myself. “That’s an understatement.”
He ignored me. “But you’ll never know just how deep that love goes until you give in to the truth. You may think you can continue on as you are now, and maybe you will, for a little while at least. But you’ll know deep down that it isn’t everything. That you’re still holding a part of you back. And Kelly doesn’t deserve that. Not after everything. Not after all he did to get to you.”
I hung my head.
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, kid. Just wanted to lay it all out for you. Give you something to think about.”
I nodded, listening to the sounds of Rico and Chris in the garage, shitty rock music playing from the old stereo.
Gordo’s chair creaked as he sat back. “We have a fight on our hands. One day, and one day soon, we’ll find him. And when we do, it’s either going to be him or us. And we’ll need everyone that we can get by our side at their full strength.”
I looked up at him. “Your dad.”
“Yeah.”
“And your brother.”
His expression tightened. “I don’t give a fuck about—”
“Don’t lie, Gordo. Not to me. Not when you’re giving me shit about the truth.”
His knuckles popped as he curled his hand into a fist. “I….” He shook his head. “Goddammit. I don’t know what to think about… him.”
“Gavin.”
“Yeah.”
“He looks like you.”
“The fuck he does,” Gordo growled. “Mangy-ass motherfucker.”
I laughed.
Gordo looked surprised, and his lips quirked. “Bastard.”
I sobered, putting my glasses back on.
Little wolf, little wolf, can’t you see?
“I’ll make you a deal.”
He looked wary. “What?”
“I’ll go through with this. What I need to do. To get my memories back. But you have to promise me that when we find Gavin, when we bring him back, you’ll treat him like you treat me.”
Gordo scowled. “And how’s that?”
“Like I’m your brother.”
Gordo’s expression stuttered. He opened his mouth but closed it. “Fuck. Kid. Robbie, you are my brother.”
“I know. But so is he. And he deserves to know it. From you. From all of us.”
Gordo closed his eyes, breathing through his nose.
He didn’t even give me shit when I rose from my chair and rounded the desk, then leaned over and hugged him. He brought his hand up and gripped my arm. “Yeah,” he eventually said. “Okay. I… I’ll do what I can.”
“I know you will,” I mumbled into his hair.
“So, deal, then?”
“Deal.”
“Good.” He shoved me off him. “Because the full moon is tomorrow, and everyone’s coming back from Maine. I already told them you’d do it. Now get the hell out of my office. You have work to do, and I don’t pay you to fuck around.”
“You what!”
He ignored me, squinting at his computer, typing with one hand in that hunt-and-peck method I’d come to know.
“Gordo!”
“Get out.”
I went.
Gordo offered me a ride home, since he was headed to the pack house anyway, but I waved him off. I wanted to walk. Clear my head. Put my thoughts together.
He hesitated before nodding.
Out on the street, people waved at me.
I waved back, but I didn’t stop to talk to them. I didn’t have the words yet.
The people of Green Creek had been relieved at our return, though they’d been scared at first when they saw some of our pack missing. They’d calmed when Gordo and Ox explained (leaving out some of the more violent details) that Joe and the others would be away for a little while longer.
I’d felt guilt at the look on Bambi’s face when she’d come running toward Rico.
He grinned at her, but she stopped in front of him, eyes wide.
“You’re different,” she whispered.
Rico’s smile faltered. “Uh. Yeah.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I guess… I guess I am. Got myself a little full moon problem.” He glanced away.
And I said, “He saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. And he came back to you because he knew you’d murder him if he died.”
They both stared at me.
And then Bambi launched herself at him, wrapping her legs around his waist. He held her up by her thighs, and she cursed him, telling him he was fucking stupid, and how dare he scare her like that, and show me your eyes, show me your damn wolf eyes, and then he’d growled at her, and I realized I probably didn’t want to witness what was going to happen next, so I left them to it.
But when I turned around to walk away, I almost walked smack into Dominique and Jessie, and that wasn’t any better, given how Jessie was getting her own welcome home.
I left the town behind, heading for home. There was a crispness to the air, the leaves beginning to change colors and dropping to the ground. Every now and then a car passed me by, but I didn’t look up from the road.
At least not until I heard the woop woop of a siren as a car pulled up behind me, tires crunching in the gravel on the side of the road.
“Sir, I need you to stay right where you are,” a voice announced from a speaker. “I’ve had reports of a wild animal on the loose.”
I grinned and shook my head as I turned around.
Kelly Bennett climbed out of his cruiser, straightening his duty belt before closing the door. The light bar was flashing red and blue.
“Wild animal? Sounds serious.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Oh, it is. You gotta be careful ’round these parts. Things in the woods like you wouldn’t believe. Mountain lions. Maybe even a bear or two.”
“Is that all?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Heard stories.”
“About?”
His eyes flashed orange. “Wolves.”
“I think I can handle myself.”
“That right? Well. Might put me at ease if I could escort you wherever you need to be.”
“I don’t know where that is.”
His smile faded slightly. “You sure about that?”
Shit. “Gordo called you.”
He shrugged.
“Fucking witches,” I muttered.
“Didn’t say much,” Kelly said. “Just that you were walking home. He thought you could use some company.”
“And that’s all he said.” It wasn’t a question.
“He might have said a little more,” Kelly admitted. He leaned back against the front of his cruiser, crossing his legs. It was strange, really, this simple act of him being here as he was. He made it hard for me to breathe in all the best ways. And I understood what Gordo had been saying in his office. About me. About Kelly and what he did or didn’t deserve. About all of us. It made sense in ways it hadn’t even a few minutes ago.
Because there was this guy. This man. This wolf. And he was looking at me like he never wanted to see anything else. I knew as sure as I knew anything else that if I said no, if I said I wanted to stay as I was now, he’d be fine with it. He’d be okay. He’d support me, and he wouldn’t push.
But I owed him more.
I owed him everything.
I moved toward him as he leaned against his cruiser in the autumn sunlight. He spread his legs, allowing me to step between them. His hands went to my hips, fingers tugging on the hem of my work shirt, my name stitched in red on my chest.
He said, “Hey,” and “Hi,” and “Hello,” and I knew I would do whatever it took. He never stopped fighting for me. I needed to do the same. For him. For myself.
For us.
I pressed my forehead against his, breathing him in, and it was grass and lake water and so much goddamn sunshine.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
He said, “I know you are. But I’m going to be with you every step of the way. No matter what.”
He kissed me, warm and sweet.
Which, of course, was ruined a moment later when Chris and Tanner drove by, honking the horn, hollering out the open window. They slowed but didn’t stop. I flipped them off but never stopped kissing Kelly. I heard them laugh as the truck sped up, heading for the houses at the end of the lane.
“We got this,” Kelly said. “All right? We got this.”
I sighed. “I know. I just….” I shook my head. “What if this changes? You and me?”
“Then we adapt,” he said. “We grow. We learn. And we do it together. The two of us. I love you, Robbie. No matter who you are.”
We stayed there for a time.
Eventually we moved on.
That night we lay curled together in our bed in the blue house. He fell asleep first, and I watched him as the night stretched on.
“Okay,” I whispered to him. “Okay.”
Nightfall on an autumn evening.
The moon was full and bright.
The pack was together again.
We ran through the woods.
Into the clearing.
Bambi was there, laughing and trailing after a black wolf with white paws like socks (much to Rico’s dismay and Chris and Tanner’s delight). He was still learning, apt to stumble, not quite used to four legs. He’d learn. I thought Bambi would be pack, and soon. Jessie was making rumblings of needing to open up membership for Team Human, seeing as how the numbers had dwindled. Ox and Joe were going to talk to her in the coming weeks. I didn’t think they had anything to worry about. It probably didn’t hurt that Bambi was pregnant, though I didn’t think Rico knew. Elizabeth was the first to figure it out, given how her scent had changed. We were all waiting to see how long it would take Rico. Chris and Tanner had a bet going. Chris said it’d be another month or two. Tanner thought he wouldn’t know until he was actually holding the kid in his arms. And since it’d happened before Rico had been turned, the kid would be human.
A child.
In the Bennett pack.
Carter trailed after Kelly, rubbing up against him at every chance he got. I watched them from the sidelines, sitting with Patrice and Aileen. Carter was thinner than he’d been even a few weeks before. He had a haunted look in his eyes that never seemed to fade. Kelly was worried. I was too.
“You can run with them,” Aileen said quietly. “There’s still time, boyo.”
I shook my head, the itch of the full moon maddening. “It’s okay.”
“In your head,” Patrice said. “Stuck. What are you afraid of?”
“Most things.”
“Ah. I see.”
I looked at them. “You think this will work?”
“If you want it to,” Aileen said. “There’s only so much we can do, Robbie. Magic isn’t… it’s not the be-all and end-all. It’s not wish fulfillment. It can be a dangerous thing depending on the user.”
“Livingstone?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. I don’t know how he’s done it, but he’s turned ghost.”
“Gordo says we need to be together in order for us to beat him.”
Aileen and Patrice exchanged a look that I couldn’t decipher. “He’s right.”
“Do you think it’ll be enough?”
Patrice sighed. “It has ta be. He won’t stop. He’s wolf now. And he’s tasted blood.”
“How?” I asked helplessly. “How the hell did he survive the bite? It should have killed him.”
“It should have,” Aileen agreed. “But it didn’t. And we can either waste time speculating, or we can actually do something about it. Look, Robbie, I’m not going to lie to you and say this will be easy tonight, or whatever we’ll face come tomorrow. Ox is special. The fact that he has remained as he is, the Alpha to the Omegas, even after the destruction of Livingstone’s magic, is a testament to that. But he cannot do this alone. Neither can the Alpha of all. I may not be a wolf, but I know the importance of pack. They need you as much as you need them.”
I looked out at the others. Ox lay as a black wolf at the other edge of the clearing, watching his pack run. Joe was beside him, resting his head on Ox’s back. Chris and Tanner and Rico were wrestling while Jessie and Bambi rolled their eyes, Dominique sitting next to them, eyes flickering between Beta orange and Omega violet. Gordo sat with his back against a tree, Mark’s head in his lap.
Elizabeth nosed Carter as Kelly yipped, tugging on his tail. I thought he was going to snap at the both of them, but he sagged, giving in. He howled, and it was tinged with blue, though he began to chase after his brother.
“We’re not whole,” I said. “Not yet.”
“Gavin.”
I looked at Patrice. “He’s part of this.”
He rubbed his jaw. “I didn’t—” He shook his head. “Bennett pack. Just when I tink I have you figured out.”
“We need to find him.”
Aileen patted my knee. “We will.”
I wished I could believe her. And not just for Carter. For all of us.
I turned my thoughts to better things. “How’s Brodie?”
“As well as can be expected,” Aileen said. “He’s hurting, of course. But your little friend Tony refuses to let him sleep anywhere else but in his room.”
“He’ll be safe with Tony and his parents,” Patrice said. “We’ll make sure of it.”
“We’re heading back in the morning,” Aileen said. “We just came out here for—”
“For me.”
She shrugged. “You weren’t ready before.”
“Am I now?”
“Are you?”
I looked back at this pack of mine. This ridiculous, wonderful pack. At the way they moved in the moonlight, the way they sang together, the way they loved each other with their whole hearts.
I had known that love once, or so I’d been told.
I knew it now, yes, but I thought it could be different.
I thought it could be more.
I said, “Okay.”
Aileen nodded, satisfied. “Then we’ll begin.”
“You’re going to spit on dirt and leaves and make me eat it, aren’t you.”
Patrice chuckled. “Someting like dat.”
It was exactly like that.
I left them in the clearing.
I walked through the woods, knowing I wouldn’t be alone for long.
My path was lit by the moon and stars.
I trailed my hands along the trunks of trees, the bark rough against my skin.
I thought of my mother, so fierce and wild, telling me that I was the guardian of the forest.
I wondered what she would think of me. Of who I’d become. Of what I’d made for myself.
I heard footsteps behind me, and I fought back a smile.
I was being hunted.
I took off running.
A howl rose up behind me, and the chase was on.
I ran as fast as I could, branches slapping against my arms and chest, the wind whipping through my hair. I didn’t shift. I didn’t need to. I was alive, alive, alive, and in this place, in this magical territory, the blood of all those who’d come before me sang in my veins.
I burst through the tree line, the lights of the houses bright.
I barely made it halfway to the blue house when a great weight landed on my back, knocking me to the ground. I hit the ground with a crash, a growl at the back of my neck, the breath hot. I gasped as a wet nose pressed into my hair. “Asshole.”
There came the grind of muscle and bone, and I closed my eyes.
“Got you,” Kelly whispered. “Got you, got you, got you.”
“You did.”
He rolled off me, panting at my side. I turned my head, grass poking against my ear. His eyes burned orange as he looked at me, searching for something.
I nodded.
He sighed. “You’re sure?”
I was. Now more than ever. “Yeah. For you. For them. For myself.”
He grinned, wild and beautiful. His teeth were sharp.
It was so simple, wasn’t it?
This.
Him and me.
So I said, “I love you. No matter what happens.”
His expression stuttered and broke. He turned his face toward the sky. His chest hitched, but he got it under control. “Me too.”
I rose slowly, pushing myself off the ground. I looked down at him spread out on the grass, naked and comfortable.
I held out my hand.
He didn’t hesitate.
I led him toward the house.
He followed me up the stairs to our bedroom. It was just as we’d left it. His duty belt hung off the back of a chair near the desk. The closet door was open, our clothes hanging together, our scents mingling. Two stone wolves sat on the windowsill, pressed together.
It was here. Us. The evidence of a life lived together. I was scared, but fear only strengthened my resolve.
He closed the door behind us, shutting us away from the world. He leaned against it and looked at me.
I let my gaze trail over him, stopping at the mark on his neck.
My mark.
A fiery sense of satisfaction rose within me, seeing it there. Knowing what it meant.
“Like what you see?” he asked.
“More than you know,” I said honestly. Then, “Are you… okay with this? I know sex isn’t—”
“Asexual people have sex,” he said quietly.
“I know. But I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do. I need you to be okay. That’s more important.”
He pushed himself off the door. “Strange.”
“What?”
He chuckled. “You said the same thing to me the first time we had sex. That you were worried that you were making me do something I didn’t want to do. I loved you for it then, and I love you for it now.”
“Oh,” I said, face growing warm. I scratched the back of my neck. “I guess some things don’t change.”
“I guess they don’t,” he agreed, taking a step toward me.
I stepped back. My legs bumped into the edge of the bed. I sat down.
He stood in front of me, miles and miles of skin on display.
There was heat here, rumbling within me, low and warm, almost like fire.
He lifted my shirt up and over my head, then let it fall to the floor.
He pressed a hand against my chest, pushing me back on the bed.
He crawled on top of me, hands on either side of my head, knees against my hips.
He leaned down and kissed me, long and slow. He deepened the kiss slightly, his tongue swiping against my lips, but he didn’t push further.
I brought my hand to the back of his head, holding him in place.
He hummed against my mouth. I opened my eyes to see orange up close.
My fangs itched in my gums.
“You’ll see it,” I whispered. “Aileen said you’ll see it all when I do. You’ll see everything.”
He said, “I know,” and he kissed me again and again and again.
It wasn’t fierce, the way he loved me. It wasn’t the burning fire of passion. It was heavy and soft. It was love unlike anything else I’d felt. My hands tightened in the comforter as he kissed my chest, hands on the button of my jeans. He pulled the zipper down, reaching inside and holding on to me, his hand hot as he caressed me.
He didn’t take me in his mouth, but he didn’t need to. Instead he brought his hand to his lips and, while he knew I was watching, licked his palm slowly. And then his hand was back on me, slick and hot, moving up and down, squeezing just right.
And later, much later, when we were both slick with sweat, our pupils blown out, me above him, his legs over my shoulders, his cock half-hard against his stomach, he said my name like a whispered prayer. In my head a rattling metal door shook in its frame as I thrust into him with a snap of my hips. His claws scratched my back, and it was almost here, it was almost time, and I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t stop, not for anything.
Right before I came, he whispered, “Use the memory of my fangs in your skin.”
And then he reared up, face elongating, and I cried out as he bit down, as he loved me, as he loved me, as I—
I
I
I
I am standing in front of a wooden door. My stomach is in knots. I’m nervous, so fucking nervous, but this is important. I calm my heart, even though they have to hear it. Hear me. Alpha Hughes’s voice is still whispering in my head, telling me to keep my eyes open for anything and everything and to tell her all I see, no matter how small, no matter how minute.
I knock.
The door opens.
“Wolf,” this strange and wondrous human says.
I grin at him. “Ox. I come in peace and bring tidings of great joy. My name is Robbie Fontaine. You may have known my predecessor, Osmond.”
It’s the wrong thing to say.
Wolves snarl just out of sight.
“Yeah, probably not the best idea to mention that name. That’s my bad. Won’t happen again. Well, I—”
I
I
I
I want him. I don’t know why. I’m supposed to watch them and report back East, but I’m starting to leave little details out, starting to keep things hidden, and it’s dangerous, it’s wrong, but I can’t bring myself to stop it. He’s here, Ox, and he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known before. I tell myself it’s just a crush, I tell myself it’s just infatuation, but there is this pulse in my chest, this light, and I think it’s because of him, and I—
I
I
I
I kiss him.
He pushes me away.
He tells me no.
It’s not a broken heart I feel.
But it’s close.
I run, I run as fast as I can, howling under the moon, and I—
I
I
I
I am standing on the porch of the house, and there are people coming, people I don’t know, and Ox is there, he’s saying be ready, be ready, and Elizabeth’s eyes are more alive than I’ve ever known them to be, and Mark is frowning, and Rico and Chris and Tanner are moving side to side, nervous, unsure of what’s happening, what’s coming for us.
Men.
Four of them.
Heads shaved.
One’s a witch.
Three are wolves.
I don’t know them.
But my pack does, and I stutter over that thought, I almost break at it, because this is my pack, these are my people, these are the ones who I would do anything for.
One is an Alpha.
Two Betas.
One witch.
And there’s something about one of the Betas I can’t quite put my finger on, can’t quite grasp. It’s like a little bird, wings fluttering in the back of my mind, but then it flits away, gone before I can stop it. I don’t like this, I don’t like this, I—
I
I
I’m moving faster now. I’m like a comet trailing light and stardust behind me. I can’t stop, and it hurts, oh my god it hurts, but there’s a voice from somewhere deep inside me, and it’s saying here here here look here look here LoveMatePack see me see me very well and I—
I
I
I
I open my eyes.
Kelly Bennett says, “What are you doing out here?”
I squint at him. The sunlight is bright, and I smell grass and what seems like lake water, which is strange, given there’s no lake nearby. “I’m thinking.”
“About what?” He sounds suspicious, but I tell myself it’s because he doesn’t know me very well yet. Richard Collins is dead, and Joe and Ox are mated, and we’re breathing.
I shrug. “Things. Nothing too important.”
“You’re weird.” He says this, but he isn’t leaving. I don’t know why. But it doesn’t bother me. He’s… well. He’s Kelly. He’s a little cold, but sometimes I catch myself watching him when he smiles.
“I was reading,” I tell him. “And then I just decided that I wanted to think.”
“What were you reading?”
I waggle my eyebrows. “A pirate story. He was plundering some booty.”
He grimaces as I show him the cover, a woman in a frilly dress pressed against the bare chest of a pirate with the terrible name of Captain Peter Longhook. “Ox said you read those books.”
I snort. “Those books. Wow. That was a lot of disdain in just two words. Congrats, I guess.”
And then he laughs.
In the scheme of things, it should be nothing.
It’s small, and it surprises him as much as it does me.
Later, when I’m trying to sleep, I’ll replay it over and over again in my head, this moment, these few seconds, as it’s the first time I ever made Kelly Bennett laugh.
He doesn’t leave.
He sits next to me.
He doesn’t talk much, but that’s okay. I talk enough for the both of us. I—
I
i
i am wolf
i am wolf and kelly
needs food
kelly must have food
deer i will kill him a deer
biggest deer
there you are deer
i will kill you
deer is faster than me
stupid deer
i hate you deer
something else
i run back to house
i find a box
crackers
kelly likes crackers in yellow box
i bring them
i bring them to him
he isn’t taking box
why
moon is bright and he won’t take crackers
i put them down
push them
he growls at me
i growl back
he
he
takes box
shakes head
box breaks
crackers in grass
not deer but okay
he eats crackers
better than deer
i
i
I
“I need to tell you something,” I say, my voice strong. “And I know it might be surprising to hear from me, but I think… I think you’re amazing. I think you’re wonderful. I don’t know if there’s anyone like you in all the world, Kelly. And I know you probably don’t think of me the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I would never do that. I just… I look at you, sometimes, and my heart is in my throat and I can’t breathe. I guess that means you take my breath away, ha, ha, but… goddammit. This is fucking awful.”
I shake my head in disgust
My reflection in the mirror in my bedroom does the same.
I sigh as I drag my feet toward the door. I’m late for training, and Ox will kick my ass if I take any longer. It’s probably for the best, anyway. Kelly doesn’t see me like that. There’s no scent of arousal when I’m around him. And Kelly…
…is standing on the other side of the door, arm raised as if to knock, but he’s frozen, his eyes wide.
Well, fuck.
“Please tell me you didn’t hear anything just now,” I beg him.
He drops his hand, blinking slowly. “Um.”
I put my face in my hands and groan.
He says, “I take your breath away?”
I drop my hands. “All right. Have at it.”
“Have at what?”
I grind my teeth together. “Laugh it up. Make fun of me. I know I’m being stupid. I know I’m—”
“You’re serious?” he demands.
“Ye-es?”
He takes a step back. It’s like he’s stabbed me right in the chest.
“I won’t bother you,” I mutter, looking down at my shoes. “Just… forget it.”
I start to push by him when he says, “No.”
I stop. “No what?”
“I’m not going to forget it.”
“Um, why?”
He nods. “I’m… okay. With it.”
I gape at him, unable to form words. Okay with it isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement, but I have to stop from howling for everyone to hear.
His nostrils flare, and he rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to have sex with you. Stop it.”
I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about.
He says, “Look. I… might like you. At least a little bit.”
I say, “Oh. Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Uh. Me too. A little bit.”
He says, “I figured.”
I say, “What gave it away?”
He says, “The crackers. You brought me crackers.”
And I say, “I tried to kill you a deer but it was too fast and oh my god, are you for real right now?”
And it happens again. That little laugh, and I swear to god I never want to hear anything but that sound ever again.
He smiles at me.
I smile back.
I—
I
I
I
I don’t see it coming. The first moment. And that’s what makes it so extraordinary; it means so much because it’s so small. One moment I’m telling Kelly a story about how I once got fleas as a wolf, and he’s laughing, laughing, laughing, and then he stops laughing, looking at me with a curious expression. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong, about to tell him I don’t still have fleas, if that’s what he’s worried about, when he leans over, light and quick, and kisses the corner of my mouth.
He pulls away just as fast, cheeks darkening as he leans back against the tree we’re sitting under.
“What was that for?” I ask him quietly.
He says, “Because I wanted to.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Can you maybe do it again some time?”
He smiles. “Yeah. Maybe.”
I—
I
I
I
I ask, “What is this?” as we walk through the woods.
He laughs, taking my hand in his. “It’s nothing. Just… why do you ask so many questions all the time?”
I bump his shoulder against mine. “I need you to come with me. That’s what you said. You have to know how that sounds. All mysterious.”
“It’s… goddammit. I’m not trying to be mysterious.”
I don’t believe him. But it doesn’t matter. Because there is nowhere else I’d rather be.
He says, “I know,” like he can hear my thoughts. Maybe he can. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Having someone know me like that. It’s not the same as hearing the wolf thoughts through the bond. That’s a matter of pack. This is a matter of the heart.
I go with him, because even if he’s being mysterious, I would follow him everywhere.
He takes me to the tree where he kissed me for the first time.
(And where I kissed him the second time a few days later.)
He’s working himself up toward something, and I think I should be nervous, think that something’s wrong, but he’s green, he’s so green like he’s relieved, and I don’t know what it could be.
And then he says, “I have something for you.” He slides the backpack off his back, putting it between us. He leans back against the tree.
I look down at the bag. “Like a present?”
“Sort of. I… just… ugh. This shouldn’t be so hard.”
I take his hand again, squeezing his fingers in mine. “It’s okay. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
He looks at me. “You mean that, don’t you?”
I blink. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”
He shakes his head. “It’s not—it doesn’t matter.” And then he says three words he’s never said to me before, three words that I know in my heart he feels but never had been spoken aloud.
He says, “I love you.”
My eyes are wet as I smile at him. I don’t care about that. “I love you too.”
He exhales. “Good.”
“Good,” I agree, itching to tackle him, to cover him with my entire body, to let him know that I’ve got him, I’ve got him, I’ve got him.
I wait, because he’s not finished.
He reaches down for the backpack and unzips it, and right before he opens it, right before he takes out the object inside, I realize what this is.
What this means.
“My father gave this to me,” he whispers as he pulls a stone wolf out of the bag. And even though I should be surprised that it looks so much like my own, I’m not. It fits because we fit. There’s something infinite about us, and I tell myself I will never forget this moment. The way he looks. The way he smells. The sunlight on the back of my neck and the grass beneath us. Every piece and part of it I memorize, storing away to keep it safe. To keep it whole. “He told me one day I would know who it belongs to. Who I would want to give it to.”
“And you want to give it to me,” I whisper back.
He nods.
He holds it out to me.
And it’s that simple.
I take it from him, and then I tackle him. He’s laughing, and I’m laughing, and I’m kissing every inch of him that I can get my mouth on, promising him all the while that I’m going to love him forever, that I’m going to be the best mate, just you wait and see, Kelly, I promise you, you’re never going to be disappointed for choosing me, you’re never going to think you’ve made a mistake, because I will do everything for you, and I will never, ever forget you, I—
I
I cry out as he bites into my shoulder before I sink my own teeth into his flesh, and it all snaps into place, this bond between us, this thread of shining light that wraps itself around my heart and tightens. There’s blood in my mouth, and it’s all grass and lake water and sunshine and he’s summer-warm and I know what’s next, I know what’s going to happen next, and I don’t want it, I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to remember. I want to stay here with him, stay here in this moment where everything is wonderful and nothing hurts. And I—
I
I
I
I can’t.
Because it’s not who I am.
I see that now.
I see all that I am and all that I’ve become.
Who these people have made me into.
I am good.
I am loved.
I am wolf.
I am Bennett.
I am packpackpack.
There’s a door.
In the middle of a clearing.
It’s metal.
But when I touch it, I realize it’s an illusion.
It’s not metal at all.
It’s glass.
There’s a wolf next to me.
White with a splattering of black.
His eyes are red.
He presses his nose against my forehead, and I say, “Oh.”
And then he’s gone.
But others have taken his place.
All of them.
Here. With me.
Gordo says, “Kid, it’s time.”
Elizabeth says, “We’ve got you.”
Jessie says, “We’re here for you.”
Rico says, “Until the end.”
Tanner says, “It’s gonna hurt, but then it’ll be over.”
Chris says, “And we aren’t going anywhere.”
Mark says, “Because you belong with us.”
Carter says, “You’ve always belonged with us.”
Joe says, “We love you.”
Ox says, “And we will never let you go.”
And Kelly is there, bright and beautiful Kelly, and I’m scared, I’m so goddamn scared, but he takes my hand in his, and he leans over and kisses the skin beneath my ear.
He says, “I love you, I love you, I love you, and do it, do it, Robbie, break down the door, shatter it like glass and come back. Come back to me.”
For him, for them, I would do anything.
I press our joined hands against the door.
It begins to vibrate.
It cracks right down the middle.
BrotherLoveMatePackFriend we’re here we’re here we’re here and we’re the goddamn bennett pack hear us hear our song
And I—
I
I
I
I am a couple of hours from home in the middle of nowhere, Oregon. The radio is low, some shitty rock music that plays in the garage that I constantly give the guys crap for. But it reminds me of them, reminds me of home, and even though it’s only been a few days, I miss them.
I miss all of them.
My phone vibrates, and I look down briefly. A text from Kelly.
Don’t stop for food. Mom’s cooking for you.
I grin as I send back some hearts.
I look down the lonely stretch of road in front of me. It winds through an old-growth forest, and I haven’t seen another car in either direction in almost twenty minutes. It’s like I’m the only person left in the world.
I think about the Omega I dropped off with her new pack. She seemed nervous, but the smiles on the pack’s faces showed me we made the right decision. They’ll take care of her. They’ll make her part of them. She will have a home and a place in this world. And if she ever needs us, ever needs Ox, we’re only a phone call away. I made sure she knew that before I left.
There’s a sign up ahead, yellow with a black arrow. The curve is sharp, and I ease up on the gas pedal. I’m reaching down to turn up the stereo, the song coming on one of Gordo’s favorites, though he tries to deny it. I’m singing along terribly about being hungry like the wooooolf when I hit the curve. I’ll be home by lunchtime.
There’s a man standing in the middle of the road.
I grunt harshly and spin the wheel. My reflexes are on point, and there’s a second that feels like it stretches out for years and years when I miss him by inches, his head covered in a hood and bowed, hands pressed palms together in front of his chest as if in prayer.
The car hits the steel girder and jerks roughly, metal squealing, sparks flying. The right front tire blows out, and the steering wheel shakes under my hands. I remember what Gordo has taught me, and I fight the urge to slam on the brakes. I wasn’t going fast to begin with, and the car starts to slow, the shredded tire thumping roughly. My backpack, which was sitting on the passenger seat, falls to the floor.
I come to a stop yards down the road, my heart thundering. I take in a deep breath and then another and then another. “Fuck,” I mutter, rubbing my hand over my face. “Jesus Christ.”
I turn off the car as I look in the rearview mirror.
The man is still in the middle of the road, facing away from me.
I’m pissed off.
It could have been worse.
It could have been so much worse.
I could have died.
I open the car door.
And immediately know something is wrong.
The forest around me is silent, but not because there’s nothing there. It’s an absence of sound, like I’m trapped inside some kind of bubble. I frown as I shut the door behind me, immediately on guard. There’s nothing to him. No scent. I can’t tell if he’s a wolf or a human or—
“Hey.” I take a step toward him and
(no no nononono please no please don’t make me please don’t make me see this)
he lifts his head, though I can’t see his face. He’s tall, his hands pale against the black cloak he wears. I’m acutely aware I’m far from home with no one around. I glance back at the car. The engine ticks.
“Hey,” I say again as I look back at the figure. “Are you all right? Man, you can’t be standing in the middle of the road. Someone could get hurt.”
The man doesn’t respond.
I’m getting pissed off. “I’m talking to you. What are you doing? Are you okay? I’d ask if you needed a ride, but you’ve fucked up your chance for that. Gordo’s going to kill me. The car belongs to the shop.”
And the man says, “Gordo.”
I stop, a chill arcing down my spine like lightning.
The man says, “When I gave him his tattoos, he screamed. Did you know that? I can’t blame him. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe. But pain is edifying, teaching one the ways of the world. If there was ever a lesson I could have imparted to him, it would have been that wolves aren’t the only things with teeth that tear and rend.”
I take a step back, not knowing it’s already too late.
The man lifts his head. His hands rise to the hood, sliding it back. His hair is white and wispy, fluttering in the cool breeze. The sleeves of his cloak slide down his wrists to his forearms, and I see the tattoos carved into his skin.
He turns his head.
He’s smiling.
“No,” I say. “You can’t—you can’t be here. You can’t—”
He chuckles. “Oh, Robbie. I think you’ll find that I can. Would you hear me, dear?”
I know I can’t win.
Not against him.
Not against this witch.
I can’t beat him alone.
I turn and run, starting to shift. My clothes are tearing as I reach the girder, planning on vaulting over it and disappearing into the woods. The trees will keep me safe. They always have. I’ll be quiet as a mouse, hiding away until it’s safe. I’ve done it once before. I can do it again.
Except I don’t make it.
The air around me starts to burn ozone-sharp. I’m frozen, muscles tensing, caught halfway between human and wolf.
“Robbie,” he says from behind me. “I’m afraid you’re not going anywhere. Look at me.”
“No,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Look. At. Me.”
I turn. I try to stop it, but I don’t have control.
He’s standing closer now. I can see the lines on his face, a face so familiar that it takes my breath away. I think wildly that this is what Gordo will look like when he’s older, this is the face of my friend, but it’s a lie, because there’s something in his eyes, something dark and twisted.
He’s still smiling.
He says, “You know me.”
“Fuck you,” I manage to say.
He shakes his head. “You’re going to help me.”
“The hell I will. We’re going to kill you, we’re going to—”
“We,” he says. “We. Your pack? Yes. I suppose you think you will. But your pack isn’t here, Robbie. They can’t help you now.”
I try to move, try to get away as he walks toward me slowly, but I can’t. My feet are stuck to the ground like they’ve taken root.
His tattoos are so bright.
“All I want is what belongs to me,” he says quietly. He’s only a few feet away, and I think about Kelly waiting for me back home. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. The last thing I sent to him was a fucking heart emoji. If only I’d known what was about to happen. If I had, I would have told him I loved him. I would have told him I never loved anyone like I love him. I would have thanked him for making me whole. For giving me hope. For giving me a home. I would have told him that even if this was always going to be my ending, if given the chance, I would do it all over again. For him. For my pack.
“You’re going to help me,” Robert Livingstone says. “It’s time that I take back what is mine.”
“I won’t,” I snarl at him. “I won’t. I won’t. I—”
I can’t breathe.
His hand is wrapped around my throat and I can’t breathe.
“You will,” he whispers, and the tattoos on his arm are moving, oh my god, they’re alive and moving, and I scream because they’re coming for me, they’re coming for me, they’re—
(grass and lake water and sunshine)
(i see you)
(i’ll never let you go)
The first symbol hits my tongue, and I’m being torn apart. It hurts like nothing ever has. It’s a shockwave that obliterates almost everything else. I don’t know how long it goes on, how long I hold out, because I’m fighting, oh Jesus, I’m fighting as hard as I can, but it’s too much, it’s too strong, and a second symbol crawls into my mouth, and it feels like dying, it feels like death, but I’m thinking about him, thinking about how he looked in sunlight, in the shadows late at night, how he laughed, how he whispered in my ear sweet words that meant nothing to anyone but us.
“Would you hear me, dear?” Robert Livingstone asks. “Would you hear me?”
And I’m laughing.
Here, at the end.
I’m laughing.
It’s choked and terrible, but I can see the moment it hits him. There’s fear on his face, though he tries to cover it up. And it only makes me laugh harder.
“I love you!” I scream into the cool morning air, a heartsong like I’ve never sung before. “Kelly! I love you! I love you! I love you!”
And then everything I am is gone.
I prowl through the trees.
Voices ahead.
My ears flatten against my skull.
I am wolf.
I growl.
“What the hell?” one of the voices says. “Did you hear that?”
“What? No, Tanner. I didn’t hear that.”
“I swear to god I heard something, Chris. What if it’s an Omega? Er. Sorry, dude. Another Omega?”
“Then we run like hell and let the wolves save us like always.”
Three of them.
Two humans.
One Omega.
There’s a tiny voice whispering in my wolf brain, telling me no, telling me to stop, but it’s buried under bloodlust.
I go for the Omega first.
He hears me coming at the last second, but he’s still caught off guard.
I tear out his throat, the blood gushing over my snout.
The other two—
(chris and tanner that’s CHRIS AND TANNER NONONO)
(would you hear me dear don’t kill them you need to stop you need to STOP)
But there is blood on my tongue, blood down my throat, and I want more, I need more.
“What are you doing?” the one called Chris is screaming. “Robbie, what are you doing?”
I turn toward them.
They try to run.
They don’t get far.
(what are you doing
robbie
robbie
please don’t
please don’t do this
oh my god what’s wrong with you
you’re not
please please please i don’t want to die
please you’re hurting me robbie you’re hurting me
oh god no
no
let me go let me go LET ME GO LETMEGOLETME)
“Robbie!”
I lift my head.
There, standing with a stricken look on his face, is a man.
I start toward him.
And that little voice in my head whispers MateLovePack, but then it’s gone.
I do the only thing I can.
I run away, away, away.
Later, much, much later, I open my eyes.
For a moment I don’t know who I am.
And then—
“Hello, Robbie.”
I look over. A kindly old man is sitting on a tree stump. His hands are liver-spotted and shaking, and he smiles at me. It’s sweet and lovely, and I think how it’s been a long time since anyone has looked at me in such a way.
“Who are you?” I ask. I push myself up off the ground. I don’t remember how I got here, but it’s shortly after a full moon, so I’m not surprised. Those nights can be taxing when a wolf doesn’t have strong bonds with a pack.
“My name is Ezra,” he says. “And I come in peace, bringing tidings of great joy. We have been watching you for a long while. My Alpha finally decided it was time. She would like to offer you a place in her pack.”
And oh, are those words like a song I never expected to hear. It’s too good to be true. “What?” I croak out. “Who is your Alpha?”
“Why, it’s the Alpha of all,” he says. “Michelle Hughes. She knows you’re a good wolf. And she wants to put you to work. To give you a home. A place to belong.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Hope rises within me. “She does?”
He nods. “She knew your mother, Robbie. She knew Beatrice Fontaine. A wonderful woman, she told me. Those were her exact words.”
My eyes sting, but I can’t do anything to stop it.
“You should know how rare such an offer is. You’re important, Robbie. To her. To me. To all of us. Please. Would you hear me, dear?”
He says, “The Alpha of all needs you, Robbie.”
He says, “It is a great honor to be summoned before her.”
He says, “She has heard about you. We all have. The solitary wolf.”
He says, “Would you come with me, dear? I have so much to show you.”
It is too good to be true. “Are you sure? Are you sure it’s me she wants?”
“Oh yes,” he says. “There is no one else.”
“Please,” I pant. “Please, please, please.”
Ezra smiles. “Good boy. Now. Take my hand. Let me guide you home.”
I do the only thing I can.
I take what is offered.
He pulls me up. He’s stronger than he looks.
And then he says, “Kelly.”
I blink at him. “Who?”
He shakes his head. “Never mind. You remind me of someone I once knew. Slip of the tongue. Come, dear. I have much to tell you. Oh, and don’t forget your backpack. I’ve often learned that those who travel light treasure what they have more than others. I wouldn’t want you to leave anything behind.”
A rush of affection roars through me at this man I don’t know.
I lift my backpack from the ground, hoist it over my shoulder.
Ezra squeezes my hand. “Come, dear. It’s time to go home.”
He leads me away, and I don’t look back. I—
I
I
I
I opened my eyes.
Kelly was staring down at me, eyes wide and wet.
He said, “Robbie?”
I went for a smile, but it broke immediately. I tried to be strong, tried to let him know that all was well, that I remembered everything, remembered him, but instead of words, I started to cry.
It crashed over me, and before long my entire body was shaking as I sobbed.
He was there, right there, holding on to me like he was never going to let me go.
“It hurts, it hurts, Kelly, it hurts, I can’t breathe, I can’t—”
And he said, “I know, I know, oh, Robbie, oh, I know. But it’ll pass, I swear, it’ll pass, and I’ll still be here, we’ll still be here.”
But I couldn’t stop.
He said, “Ox! Oh my god, Ox, I can’t—”
And the door to our bedroom crashed open, and Ox was there, and without a word he scooped me up in his arms, whispering to me that they were going to take care of me, that they were going to make it all right again.
I couldn’t stop shaking as he carried me down the stairs, Kelly trailing after us.
The others were waiting for us in front of the blue house. Just when I thought I was getting under control, I saw Chris and Tanner and I remembered the way their blood had felt in my mouth, I remembered how their skin and muscles had torn, their bones breaking as I bit down, I remembered their screams for me to stop, to please stop, please, please, please.
But they weren’t afraid of me.
They didn’t cower back.
No.
Instead they put their hands on me, on my face, in my hair, telling me they loved me, they loved me and they wouldn’t let anything happen to me again.
They followed us to the other house.
Joe opened the door, and Elizabeth led us to the living room. The furniture had been pushed out of the way, and there were blankets and pillows on the ground. Ox laid me down in the middle, and the others filled in the spaces around us, always touching.
Kelly was there, fierce and protective. He pulled me from Ox, and I collapsed against his chest. He ran his hands up and down my back, saying, “You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
I believed him.
I was safe.
I was warm.
A hand pressed against my leg. Another wrapped around my ankle. There was a kiss against the back of my neck and the scrape of fingernails against my side. Chris and Tanner shoved Ox out of the way and lay on the other side of me, wrapping themselves around me from behind, clutching me tightly. They whispered words of hope, of love and peace. I took everything they said and filled the emptiness of the void until it overflowed.
And in the middle of it all, bright as the sun, was a tangle of threads.
Of bonds that stretched between us all, stronger than they’d ever been.
They whispered packpackpack.
And I was home.
Eventually I quieted.
Eventually I calmed.
My chest stopped hitching.
My eyes stopped leaking.
I was very tired.
I opened my eyes.
Kelly was watching me, a worried look on his handsome face.
I reached up and touched his cheek. “I see you.”
He smiled a trembling smile. “You do?”
“Yeah.”
“You remember?” You remember me?
“All of it. Everything.”
A tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away.
He grabbed my hand. “You can’t ever leave me again.”
I couldn’t promise that. None of us could.
I said, “I won’t. Never again.”
He kissed me.
I closed my eyes.
And here, at last, I followed the wolfsong and found my way home.
