I hate that he is going to see where I live. I mean, it’s not a hole in the wall, but it’s not like his place, either. Although, I guess I have nothing to be ashamed of. It is mine, and I am supporting myself.
I rub my butt and nothing. I am in his sweats
The feeling of the material against my exposed skin is a reminder of how out of control I get whenever Hendrix Caldwell is concerned. I have never been this eager and free to have sex with anyone before. I have been on this journey since adolescence to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin.
Bryce was a teen boy. I was a young, teen girl. Neither of us were old enough or mature enough to deal with our hormones, much less what he would do in my bedroom those nights. It wasn’t until I found the website to order my empowerment panties that I was able to begin to feel okay about my own strange desires when he would touch me.
Sure, I didn’t ask for it. Yes, I would say no, even if it was in a whisper behind the cover of my shirt. My head was always covered. He didn’t have to look at my face, and I didn’t have to worry about my own embarrassment as my body reacted. I said no, but I didn’t fight. I didn’t resist. I wasn’t an active participant, but I felt. I felt it all.
Walking around to find a linen closet, I feel the ache between my legs, a reminder of my activities with Hendrix. I felt him, too. I felt it all, and it felt good, really good. I smile to myself.
He says it is a give and take between us. If he could only understand, he is giving me more than anyone ever has. He is allowing me to take back my body, my sexuality. He is allowing me to take back myself. Hendrix Caldwell, mister Broody himself, is giving me back a piece of myself that was lost so long ago.
I continue to smile to myself as I find the linen closet to change the bed sheets. Stripping his bed, I can’t help lifting the sheets to my face and breathing them in. The scent, a mix of me, him, and sex. It is heady, it is naughty, and it makes me hot all over again.
An hour later, the door opens while I am cleaning up the kitchen. I watch as Hendrix walks in with two big boxes with Jagger behind him, carrying two huge garbage bags.
“What’s going on?” I ask, taking one of the boxes to ease his load.
“You aren’t going back there,” Hendrix says as he sets a box down and starts heading to the door. Broody is back in full effect.
Jagger looks at me, winks, shrugs, and then sets the bags down.
“Wait, is this my stuff?” I gasp.
Hendrix pauses, while Jagger walks right past him and down the stairs. Hendrix turns around and looks at me. His lips are in a straight line as he stares at me.
“Hendrix?”
“You’re gonna stay here till we find you a place that’s—”
“Wait, hold on, stop right there.”
“Livi, I blew on your door, and the fucking thing opened. The hallway smells like animal and human waste, and your apartment reeks of bleach, so I know you are trying, but no one else is. I passed a cockroach trying to carry your couch out the fucking door.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not fine,” he snaps and waves his hand around the space. “This is fine. That place…” He starts pacing. “There was a crack-head in the hallway, passed out. When I walked in, there was a flood on the floor from pipes bursting. The clothes in that bag are soaked.
“You know what, it doesn’t matter. I have plenty of room here. You’ll stay, or you can call a friend, but I’ll be damned if the chick who shared my bed last night lives like that.”
“You’re hurting my feelings.” I know I am going to cry. I feel the burn of the tears building.
“Babe, I’m not trying to, okay?”
“What does Sadi’s place look like, a palace?” My voice fails me by the end of my question, cracking.
“I don’t give a shit if she’s neighbors with the fucker selling crack out of your building right in the hall, right outside your door. She’s not you,” he snaps.
I start to talk, but he holds his hand up, stopping me.
“I’m gonna help you get back on your feet. You can have any room here, except Jag’s. You come and go as you please, and you can cook or some shit for rent, but I will not allow you to live like that, Livi. I could see my fucking breath in your place. Now, I’m gonna bring the rest of your shit up. You’re gonna pick a room and unpack, and I’m going to work. The place is yours. Your car is in the garage, spare key to this place already on the keychain. You’re in control here, girl. You’re also warm and can take a damn three hour bath if you want.”
“You said you didn’t have to go in.”
“I’m going in. You’re staying here and settling in. When you find a place, I have furniture. Your shit is ruined.” Without another word, he leaves.
I am in control. He gave me that. Okay, give and take, I think to myself.
The room I have been in is just fine by me. I open one of the boxes they brought in and begin to pull out my things. Pulling out my panties, I look at the first pair I pick up. ‘Unpredictable.’ Yes, I will be unpredictable.
I laugh to myself as I change into my own clothes. Once in my clothing, I start sorting through what can be saved from the water damage. When I have everything I can keep in a pile, I begin to add my things into his personal space. I am sure he won’t be expecting to find my panties beside his socks when he gets home. I couldn’t find an underwear drawer for him, so the sock drawer will have to do.
I rub my butt and smile. If he is going to pack me up without a discussion and then disappear, he can deal with me settling in.
Floyd follows me as I put my simple touches throughout Hendrix’s space. Her head tilts to the side as if she wants to shake her head in disapproval as I take out my movies and line them up on his entertainment center.
Sure, I know I will be packing all of this up and moving soon, but he made this decision without me, so I plan to show him what it would really be like to have me here all the time. Next time, he will consult me before turning my life upside down.
I ponder the thought. Has he really turned my life upside down, or are things finally becoming right side up since Hendrix came into my world? This is the first time I have felt something good in my life with a man. Hendrix makes everything feel good.
As the hours pass, my smile fades. Insecurity creeps in as Hendrix stays away.
Knowing I have to work at the hospital in the morning, I climb into his bed and let the exhaustion of my life overtake me.
*.*.*.*
Darkness. The only light is a small alarm clock on the nightstand. His nightstand. At almost three in the morning, I am in Hendrix’s bed, suddenly wide awake.
There is movement in the dark around the room, but I don’t move. I stay on my side, facing the wall away from the door.
The bed behind me dips, the blanket pulls, and then Hendrix is quickly pulling me to him. His scent engulfs me, calms me, and consumes me. I say nothing, he says nothing, and soon, I am sound asleep again.
*.*.*.*
The week goes on, much the same. Broody is back; only, he is now the master of avoidance as we have had no time alone together, except the early morning hours when he slips into bed beside me and pulls me to him. After my long days at the hospital and the shifts at the bar catching up to me, I am too tired to try to talk to him in the middle of the night.
Tonight, however, he can’t avoid me. Thursday night, ladies’ night. Sure, we have gone round and round about me working Thursday nights. He doesn’t want me to, but I am going to. Add to the battle my animosity toward Sadi, and yes, Broody, I’m coming for you tonight.
I change from my work clothes into jeans and my favorite cleavage showing red shirt. Rocking my best push up bra, I grab my ‘Eye of the Tiger’ panties and laugh to myself. Covering my face as I snort, I work to get myself ready. Like Rocky preparing for a fight, I am readying to go round for round with none other than Broody Caldwell.
I shake my butt to myself as I leave Hendrix’s house and make my way to the bar.
I am not inside the building two seconds before his stare is zoned in on me. I do my best to strut my way over behind the bar like I own the place. Rubbing my butt, I mentally prepare myself to go into the ring.
Challenge accepted, Caldwell. Here I come.
I smile sweetly as I begin to un-layer. I get my hat, scarf, and mittens off, and my zipper is halfway down when Hendrix is suddenly in front of me. His hand covers mine, pulling the zipper back up as I continue to try to tug it down.
“Livi, what’re you doing here?”
“Working,” I reply with a huge smile, my right hand trapped under his around my zipper, my left hand holding my belongings.
I shimmy my butt, reminding myself to stay strong.
“Go home, Livi.”
“It would seem my place is currently inhabitable; therefore, I need to work so I can find a more suitable home.” I meet his stare, not backing down.
“Your living conditions have been fine this week, Livi. You have to work tomorrow at the hospital and here. Go home, feed Floyd, and rest.”
“Oh, no you don’t, mister! You don’t get to send me away so you can sneak into my bed later and continue to avoid me.”
He takes me by the hand and leads me into his office. Turning around, he leans against his desk, moving me to stand between his legs. His hands come to rest on my hips.
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Hmmm,” I say, moving my hand to tap my finger on my chin. “What was it you said … we f-f-fucked.” He smiles at my stumble over the word. “Consent was given. Now I have a job to do and a debt to repay. You’re avoiding me, and I don’t like it.” I rub my butt for silent encouragement.
I move to unzip my jacket again, and his hand again comes up to cover mine. I pull it away, but his hand comes back up to rest on my zipper, neither pulling it up or down.
“Fuck, you’re crazy. Seriously fuckin’ crazy.”
“Talk to me. You went and made decisions for me, and then you just checked out on me.” I blink my eyes, trying to remain strong.
“Livi, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with you.”
“That’s a start. I don’t know what I’m doing with me half the time, either.” I laugh at my own joke, and a snort slips out, making me look down.
He cups my chin to look at him. “Damn.” He smiles at me. “Livi, I’m not the relationship kind of guy.”
“I’ve never asked you for one, have I?” I mentally give myself a fist pump for my come back.
“We didn’t use a condom,” he states plainly.
Is this why he is running away from me? Is he worried about an unplanned pregnancy? Did he move me in out of a misplaced obligation? Questions swirl in my head.
Would a baby be so bad? Sure, I can’t afford one, but can anyone really be financially prepared for a child? I know Hendrix is a good man. I know he wouldn’t let us be out in the cold, obviously. I resist the urge to run my hand over my non-existent belly. Having a little Caldwell wouldn’t be bad.
“No, we didn’t. We are two grown adults, though. When the time comes to know something one way or another, we can talk about it. Well, that is, if you don’t avoid me forever.” My words are laced with an attitude I didn’t intend. I am annoyed with his standoffishness toward me since our mishap.
“Livi, look, I care about you.”
I watch him without saying anything for a moment. This is the end…
“Save it. No need to give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech. That is a cop-out, and you and I both know it.”
His hands come up and cup each side of my face, pulling me to him, kissing me. Our teeth clank as the passion explodes between us. When he pulls away, I am left breathless.
“Does that feel like a cop-out? Livi, I don’t know how to do all this. Give me some patience and understanding. You came into my world, and everything has changed. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I bite my lip, trying not to smile. “You make everything feel right, Hendrix. With you, I feel like all is as it should be, like everything will be okay, after all.”
