So it took me a week, but I finally got my act together last night. That group session was an eye-opener for me. I met many people who had had intimacy issues for years, and they still managed to overcome them and have fulfilling love lives.
It’s a slow process, but the key point I learnt was to take it day by day. The most important factor in their success was a supportive partner who allowed them to explore intimacy in a safe environment. And I knew there could only be one such person for me. Only one person I love deeply enough to show all my ugly vulnerabilities.
Over the week, I did a lot of relaxation exercises and thought hard about the changes I was willing to make and the boundaries I was willing to push to be with Henry. I came to the realization that I am willing to do anything to be with Henry and make him happy.
That’s why I plan to win Henry Stone back. With a speech, no less. One as stunning as my Oscars speech, only this one is meant for the ears of one person only: Henry.
Dear Henry—that’s how it starts.
I love you. I can’t tell you when I started loving you because I don’t know myself. But I clearly remember the moment when I messed up. It was that day at the hotel, after we had sex. I woke up in a cold sweat. As I saw you, the two sides of me warred. On one hand, I was so happy that you were with me, and my love for you overflowed. On the other hand, I felt anxious when I thought about the kind of future we would have—and the future we would not have. In the end, I made a hasty decision, unable to see clearly because of my fears. But over the week, I have come to realize how important you are to me. I met you when I was in a very bad place in my life, yet being with you has strengthened me in so many ways. Thanks to you, I found the courage to believe in my dream again and even managed to land a role.
The future, and my inadequacies, still scare me. But instead of thinking of the hypothetical future, I will look at the next moment, and then the next. Bit by bit, I will make progress. And one day I will become fearless.
By the time I’m finished practicing it in my head, I hear a swish and catch Henry coasting past the kitchen. He took longer than usual to get dressed today, even skipping breakfast. But after rehearsing all night, I’m not about to let him walk out that door without confessing my feelings. I’ve dilly-dallied enough. No more.
“Henry!” I shout, stopping him in his tracks.
He rotates towards me, pulling one eyebrow up. “Yeah?”
I fight to continue looking him in the eye. This could change everything between us. But in my heart, I am convinced that he loves me, too. He told me so, after all.
“I have something to tell you…”
Traipsing towards me, he lays his laptop bag on the sofa. “Me too.”
Really? He does? I wonder what it could be.
“You go first,” I suggest magnanimously, wondering whether he intends to confess too.
I might have shot down his first confession…maybe even his second…but third time’s the charm, right?
Henry loosens his shoulders, before tensing up like a violin string about to snap. “I want to propose something.”
Propose? He wants to marry me? So soon? I’m not ready for this. I’m so not—
“I’ve decided to date Glenda,” he completes, eyes cast to the earth. “You know, the librarian. She works at—”
“I know who she is,” I cut in.
“Yeah…” He cups the back of his head. “After you rejected me, I sorta…ran into her and…developed feelings for her.”
Shock parades through my features. My jaw drops in confusion before I can get the right syllables out. “De-developed feelings?”
What? WHAT! How did this happen? How did he fall for that mousy woman? She sounds like Minnie Mouse. How…
“Yeah. It’s sudden, but I am going to start dating her. And…I’m not very good at communicating with women.” He shrugs. It’s that adorable shrug of his. But I hate it so much now. “The pointers you gave me before my big presentation really helped me, so I’d like to propose an arrangement for Friday evenings where you tutor me in communication. I’d really like this relationship to work. Glenda is the nicest woman I’ve ever met.”
“Tutoring…oh, that’s the proposal…”
Damn, I should’ve gone first. They say ‘ladies first’ for a reason. Men cannot be counted on to not ruin the moment if they go first.
And what’s with him falling in love with another woman just a week after we returned from LA? That’s fickle as hell. I didn’t think he’d fall in and out of love that easily. What in the world happened to steadfastness?
Henry twists his body awkwardly. “So what do you say? I know it’s sudden and I’d completely understand if you don’t want to do it. You can think about it over the weekend.”
In a lethargic voice, I say, “I’ll let you know once I decide.”
My answer will surely be a no. I mean, why in hell should I help him get lovey-dovey with Glenda? And what kind of name is Glenda anyway? The good witch from Wicked is called Glenda too, and she’s as annoying.
“Thanks.” Henry picks his bag back up. “So what did you want to say?”
“Me…oh, I got a callback for the part I auditioned for.” My voice is devoid of any enthusiasm; I’m merely relaying facts. “The show is set in New York, so they’ll be filming here, but I won’t be able to work part-time anymore. This is my last month on the job. I wanted to let you know.”
“Thanks for telling me.” Dazed, he loses his balance and has to hold on to the edge of the table to stay on his feet. “And congratulations…on the role.”
“It’s only a callback. I haven’t been booked yet,” I clarify. “But I have a feeling this will be my big break. My days of struggle are over. Emmys, here I come.”
I do such a poor job of convincing even myself that I’m happy about this that I begin to wonder how I became an actress.
Stuffing his hands into his pocket, Henry rubs his cheek against his shoulder. “Good to hear that. So you’ll be going back to LA soon?”
“Yeah.” I manage a quick nod. “Next week, I’ll need a few days off.”
“Sure.” He manages a brusque reply before he slinks out of the house with a short, “Bye,” oblivious to the tears sliding down my face.
I watch his back get further and further away, a star beyond the reach of a human like me.
My chest folds in on itself, like a slipshod Jenga tower, the blocks tumbling noisily, echoing discordantly. I don’t have any strength to even wipe away my tears.
Dang it. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I lost my love before I had a chance to ever tell him that he was the love of my life, to deliver my brilliant speech. Rejection is a terrible feeling, but this is worse.
If I’d told him and he’d rejected me, I could still have remained in his memory. Many years later, maybe to his wife or his children, he’d recall: ‘There was this crazy girl who professed to loving me. Man, she was something.’
But now I can’t even be that girl. I’ll have no part of his memory.
That’s what hurts so much.
*
“Uncle Henry is going to date Glenda? Cool.”
Lucien sure seems stoked by the news, I think to myself gloomily later that day, leaning against the kitchen island watching him scarf down my lovingly prepared lasagna.
Glee shines bright on his baby-soft skin, while I mope, feeling the exact opposite of gleeful.
Disbelief is still thick in my veins, but it’s slowly fading out. I’m beginning to acknowledge that maybe I made Henry wait too long; that I sabotaged my chances with him because I was too scared to believe in myself or in him.
And that’s why I’m seeking love advice from a nine-year-old with no love life to speak of.
“Yeah, go ahead and rub salt in my wounds,” I mumble to Lucien, then start to wail. “I really wanted to date Henry. I was this close to telling him. Why did she have to beat me to it? And that man…how could he agree to date that librarian with the Minnie Mouse voice? Doesn’t he have standards? Argh!”
“Calm down.” Lucien pats my shoulder. “Or you’ll ruin the counter you just wiped.”
“Good point.” I raise my butt onto the island. “But what do I do now? The love of my life is gone. My boat has sailed. The ball’s out of my court.”
Lucien pauses, rubs his chin. Hope rises in my chest. He’s surely going to come up with some brilliant strategy to win back Henry. I can feel it in my bones. Somehow everything will go back to being good. He’s always gotten me out of trouble. I trust Lucien Stone’s intelligence.
But instead of telling me how to win Henry back, Lucien shocks me with: “Hey, Max, will you marry me?”
My knees nearly give out from the shock. “Have you lost it? You want to marry me? Why?”
I don’t know how to react to this sudden romantic interest Lucien is showing in me. It doesn’t even seem serious. I’m sure he has an ulterior motive in even asking me this question. Never trust the devil.
“So I can move out of my house,” he says, matter-of-factly.
So that’s why. Didn’t take him long to confess.
“Are you so desperate to get away from your mom?” I ask.
Actually, if Emilia Stone was my mother, I’d be desperate, too, so Lucien has all my sympathies.
“I don’t hate Mom. I don’t hate Dad, either. I just hate them when they’re together,” he says.
Unable to stand his sad expression, I pull him into a hug on my lap. His small body feels snug against my chest. “I get the feeling, kiddo. My parents argued a lot, too.”
“What did you do?”
“I slipped into my own world and pretended to be a princess who lived in a palace with an army of servants who catered to my every whim. I had a servant whose only purpose was to paint my toenails.”
Lucien sneers. “No wonder Mom thinks you’re cuckoo.”
“As if you have the right to say that to me.” I pout. “I could have become your aunt one day if Henry had chosen me instead of that weird-ass librarian.”
Lucien rubs the heel of his palms in circles around the table. “I’m glad you’re not going to be my aunt though. Aunts are always mean. I mean, look at Harry Potter’s aunt. Or Alice in Wonderland’s aunt. They were evil.”
“You’re not Harry Potter,” I remind him. “Or Alice in Wonderland.”
“How d’you know that?”
“Fine. Then make the dust in this house magically disappear with your wand.”
Lucien blows out a sigh of protest. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Lucien.” I clutch his shoulders. “If I ever…not that I’m likely to now…but if I ever become your aunt, I promise to be the most wonderful aunt in the world. An example for aunts to emulate in the future.”
This doesn’t convince him. He shrugs out of my grasp.
“Can’t you marry me instead? What does Uncle Henry have that I don’t?”
“Wisdom teeth, for one,” I say drily. “But most importantly—he has my heart.”
Lucien kicks my foot. “Get another heart. My mom does heart transplants four days a week at the hospital. If I put you on the waitlist now, you’ll have a new heart in six months.”
I should’ve known that heart metaphors were not going to go over well with him.
I sling my arm around the fruit basket. “Thanks for the offer, kiddo, but I like my current heart. It works pretty well, all things considered.”
Lucien bites his lip. “Guess I have no choice but to sabotage things between Uncle Henry and the librarian, then.” He shakes his head exaggeratedly. “Can’t believe the things I do for you.”
“No, please don’t break them up.” I slam my fists on the kitchen counter. “I don’t want to force Henry to love me. I want him to love me because he can’t bear not to love me.”
“How foolishly romantic.” Lucien rolls his eyes.
Am I? Am I being foolishly romantic? Is hoping for Henry as delusional as hoping for an Oscar? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I feel terribly lost and confused. And sad.
“Max, for your own good, you should let him go.” Lucien gobbles down a mouthful of his lunch.
“Yeah…I should. Then why can’t I?”
Isn’t that what selfless love is about? Wishing for the other person’s happiness, keeping your ego and selfish needs out of the equation…yada, yada, yada. All that sounds like a ton of crap to me at this moment. I’m really selfish after all. And possessive. And too optimistic for my own good. As long as Henry is single, I have hope. Hope that we might be together someday. But if he’s no longer single…
“I don’t want to lose him,” I sob.
Lucien gets up and comes to me, then works his fingers between mine. “Max, stop sounding like the heroine of some B-grade melodrama. C’mon. Let’s go and do something fun like eating chocolate.”
“And what will that solve?”
“Nothing. But it’ll make me happy.”
Happy. Yes, that would be good. I could use some of that emotion, too.
“If you keep stressing, you’ll get old fast.” Wisdom is pouring forth from Lucien Stone’s fountain today.
“Know what? You’re right. Let’s focus on the good things in life, like food. What about going to Lady M? I’ll buy you your favorite cake.”
“Okay.” He metamorphoses back to his amicable self instantly.
Nothing works like bribing a kid with cake.
If only adult hearts were equally susceptible to sugar.
