As soon as the car door closes, I relax. Harper is strapped in the car seat I normally carry from taxi to house and back again.
“Mommy, did you bring me a change of clothes?” her soft voice whispers through the car.
“Yes, peanut, don’t worry.”
Cole glances my way in question, so I go on to explain, “The Lancasters don’t like her to return dirty.”
His eyebrows furrow in confusion. “She’s a kid.”
“Right.” A smile tugs at my lips. The fact that he agrees with me and understands how absurd that is makes me exhale in relief.
“I change her in the restrooms so we can play, then I change her back before taking her back there.”
I can’t bring myself to say “Take her home” because that isn’t her home. Her home is with me, wherever I am. That’s her home.
Cole pulls into the parking lot, and Harper unbuckles her belt. “Come on, Cole, I need to show you the slides here.”
She pushes open the car door before I can think to stop her, always so excitable and eager. Cole chuckles beside me and shakes his head before leaping out of the car and chasing after her.
I grab the bag containing her change of clothes and head out after them.
I watch as Cole pushes Harper higher, and her squeal of delight fills the playground. I take her in again. The pink hoodie she wears has a glitter rainbow on the front, and her jeans are looking shorter than the last time I brought her out. The combat boots—the same as mine—make me smile because she was so desperate to have them.
Mrs. Lancaster would have a coronary if she saw her dressed like this. She likes her in clothes that are sophisticated and clean: black pinafore dresses with the perfect crease ironed in them, shiny black patent shoes with not a scuff in sight, and her hair tied back with a black ribbon in it. She looks like she belongs in some sort of religious school.
Harper’s hair, the exact same color as mine, blows in the breeze. The fact that she is a mini-me warms me. I’d love her no matter what, but knowing that she has more of me inside her than him gives me a sense of satisfaction.
“How about we get that ice cream now?” Cole’s words cut through my thoughts.
“Cole, I don’t think . . .”
“Please, Mommy?” Harper jumps off the swing and clasps her hands together as though saying a prayer.
“Me and peanut here have an understanding, don’t we?” Cole raises an eyebrow at Harper.
Harper pulls her lips tight and makes a motion with her fingers, as though locking her lips together, forcing me to laugh when Cole mimics her actions.
I breathe out and smile. “Okay, fine.”
“Eeek!” She bounces up and down on the balls of her feet. “I love you, Cole.” Harper grabs his hand and then mine, and we walk together over toward the ice cream stand.
To anyone on the outside looking in, we’d look like the perfect little family taking their daughter out for the day, and I can’t help but revel in it, if only for a short while. I can pretend we are just that, a family.
