My hands are shaking as I tear out of the dorms and all but run to the gym. Today was supposed to be a recovery day but I can’t stay in that room right now and I don’t have any more classes today. I let my control slip and that can’t happen. I have to be in control of myself or it all falls apart.
My heart is beating so loudly in my ears that I can’t hear the conversation around me or the music pumping through the sound system of the gym. There are people around, working out, but I don’t see them. Not really.
Run. Find a treadmill and run it out.
Cut. Get a hold of yourself, the pain will help. The treadmills are mostly unused so I grab one in the corner and set myself a hard pace. My legs are tired from yesterday but I’ll survive.
I was just on the ice doing drills but I still make sure my muscles are warmed up before going at it full steam.
You’re an embarrassment. Your mother is lucky she doesn’t have to witness your lack of control. She would be ashamed of you.
My gut tightens as the words run through my head, feet pounding on the treadmill belt.
You can’t save Lily, you can’t even save yourself.
Worthless.
Useless.
I push myself harder, trying so fucking hard to make the voice in my head shut up.
Jeremy won’t trust you now. He’s going to change roommates and everyone on the team will know what a shit show you really are.
But he liked it.
Jeremy liked when I touched him. The strange blue-brown of his eyes are burned into my memory. I’ll never forget them. I can still feel his dick in my hand, pulsing through his orgasm, and his warm cum on my skin. It took everything in me not to lick it off.
You’re a freak for enjoying it. He didn’t want you to touch him but you did it anyway.
Monster.
No one will ever want you. No one will love you.
The picture of Jeremy getting face fucked by Brendon flitters through my head. Jealousy at the easy way they touch rears its ugly head. My jaw tightens, my hands clench. I hate how Brendon touches Jeremy.
I hate it even more that I want to be the one touching him.
God damn it. Get your shit together.
My muscles burn and my lungs scream for a break but I focus on the pain, finally quieting my thoughts. Like a weight has been lifted from me, for a few minutes, my head is quiet.
The only thing in my brain is the pounding of my feet and how my body feels.
Everyone thinks I workout like a man possessed because I’m dedicated to hockey but it’s because it quiets my thoughts. It works out the sexual frustration of having no life. The only relief I get is in here, forcing my body to do more than it wants.
Or when you had Jeremy pushed up against the dresser…
Fuck off, brain. I don’t have time for distractions.
I run until my body starts to break down, until my knees threaten to give out. Slowing the pace to a jog, I can barely keep my ass on the machine. My entire body is beyond exhausted. My feet stumble on the belt so badly I have to grip the side rails to keep from face planting.
I turn toward the showers on autopilot but I don’t have anything with me and I’m not sure I could stand up long enough to not drown in there.
Fuck it.
I force myself out of the gym and toward the dorm. The elevator almost drops me on my ass but I catch myself on the hand rails against the wall. A few people give me weird looks but no one asks if I’m okay. To be fair, if I wasn’t, not many people could carry me.
I finally make it to my floor and stumble my way down the hallway to my door.
Please don’t be locked. Please don’t be locked.
I have literally nothing with me. If that door is locked I’m sleeping in the hallway because there’s no way I’m going to be able to stay awake for long.
As I reach for the door knob, it opens and I almost sag in relief. Doesn’t matter that Jeremy is standing there looking awkward and unsure of what to do. Doesn’t matter that I want to curl up with him against me. I brush past him, my arm grazing his bare chest and I hiss at the contact, jerking away from him.
I’m sweaty and stinky but I don’t care, I don’t even remove my shoes before falling on my bed face first.
Roll over. You aren’t safe like this. Your back is exposed.
My entire body relaxes for a second but I can’t pass out like this. My head won’t let me slip into the unconscious state I so desperately want while I’m at risk.
Rolling onto my side, I push my back against the cool wall and, in the span of one breath, the world around me is gone.
When my alarm screams the next morning, no part of me is happy about it.
Fuuuuuuck.
I force myself to sit up and find the stupid thing but it’s not on my bedside table. Where the hell is it?
My gaze flitters over the room but I don’t see it. It’s dark since it’s four am and not even the sun is up yet, but when the alarm starts, the screen lights up.
“For the love of fuck, turn it off!” Jeremy snaps, shoving his head under his pillow.
“I can’t find it.” My voice is grittier than I expected but my mouth is dry and I’m thirsty as fuck.
“It fell under the bed, dumbass.” His words are muffled by the cotton fluff.
I bend down and see the screen bright as shit under the bed all the way back against the wall. Great.
Sliding onto the floor, I lay flat on the shitty office carpet and stretch for the phone. Every muscle in my body objects, but I get it and shut it off.
“Thank fuck.” Jeremy shoves his pillow back under his head and settles like a starfish on the tiny bed.
“You should get a workout in.” The words fall from my mouth with no thought from me. “Being lazy isn’t going to get us to the Frozen Four.”
Not everyone is as neurotic as you.
“Fuck off. The last thing I want to do at four am is spend it at the gym, looking at your face.”
No one wants to spend time with you. You’re useless. After all the time Father spent trying to fix you…
I grab my gym bag to shove clean clothes in it and find my shoes shoved under the edge of my bed.
Did I put my shoes there?
Thinking back to last night, it’s kind of hazy but I’m pretty sure I fell asleep with my shoes on. As I sit to slide my shoes on, I flick my eyes to Jeremy for a second.
Did he take my shoes off after I fell asleep?
I don’t know what to think about that.
The walk to the ice rink is plagued with it. Why would he care?
