Present
A shrill ringing pierced the air the next morning, and I jolted awake, pawing the nightstand above my head for my phone. It dangled over the side, and I grabbed it, ripping out the charger as I blinked away the exhaustion. Gabriel’s name appeared on the screen. I answered it immediately.
“Banks,” I said, quickly clearing my throat as I sat up and swung my legs over the bed.
“A messenger will bring the contract to his dojo this morning,” he informed me. “Make sure he signs it.”
I rubbed my face, trying to wake up. Fuck, I shouldn’t have eaten that meal last night. I had more energy when I ate less. “I told you, I don’t think he has any intention of signing it. He wanted access to The Pope, because he thinks Damon is there. He’s screwing with us.”
“What do I care what his plan is?” my father snapped. “He saddled this pony. Now he gets to ride it.”
Kai wasn’t signing the damn contract. I wasn’t sure what he wanted with me—I wasn’t even sure he knew—but I definitely understood Kai didn’t like doing things the wrong way. After what I heard last night, he would never marry someone he didn’t know and explain to his father that he’d just bound himself to Gabriel Torrance. My father and Kai’s didn’t cross paths often, and despite the fact that their sons were good friends once, Katsu and Gabriel fucking hated each other.
“Damon isn’t at The Pope, correct?” Gabriel asked.
I stood up and walked over to the window, peeling back the tattered shade to see that it was raining.
“Like I told you, I think he was at some point,” I said. “But he appears to be gone now.”
My brother, I was sure, had several hiding spots in the city. If he was at The Pope, he would’ve seen us coming in time to scram.
“You would tell me if he was calling you? Or if you’d seen him?” he pressed, a threat in his tone. I could tell he was nervous. Damon was a time bomb, and Gabriel was losing his grip on how to handle him. “I realize he has your loyalty, but I’m the one who pays you. You are only protected by my good graces, little girl. Remember that.”
I released the shade, my ire rising. “And your only hold on him is me. Remember that.”
I immediately closed my eyes, regretting my lip. Shit.
My father fell silent. I’d gotten mouthy with him once. And once was all it took for me to learn my place.
I took a deep breath, calming my tone. “I’m on board with you,” I assured him. “Don’t worry, and trust that I can determine the best way to do my job. I know Damon better than anyone. I will get him home.”
He didn’t say anything for a while, but I could hear voices in the background. Thank goodness I wasn’t standing in front of him right now. If I were, his options about how to handle my impudence wouldn’t be so limited.
But to my surprise, he simply released a sigh and said, “Fine.” And then he added, “You should’ve been born a boy. You’re the son Damon should’ve been.”
I just stood there, the weight on my shoulders so heavy. Part of me liked hearing that. That he wished my brother was more like me and not the other way around. It filled my heart with pride.
But I still wasn’t a boy. And I never would be. That’s all it boiled down to. What was between my legs.
And no matter what I did or how hard I worked, there would always be that.
“Still, females aren’t completely useless,” he went on. “Kai likes you, so use what God gave you and get him to sign the contract. Don’t bother coming back until you do.”
And then he hung up.
I hit the Off button on my phone and tossed it into the sheets on the bed. Crossing my arms over my chest, I ground my teeth together, trying to find my fucking focus again.
I was so tired.
I should’ve just come home last night. I shouldn’t have gotten into his car or ate his food or let him tell me stupid fucking stories that made my stomach knot with things I shouldn’t feel.
What do I care that he likes mac and cheese, for Christ’s sake?
I ran my hand over the top of my head, pushing back the hairs that had come loose from my two French braids.
Dammit. I squeezed my eyes shut, groaning as I dug my nails into my scalp. The hair was suddenly so tight I just wanted to tear out the rubber bands and rip apart the braids. My head hurt. My skin burned. And my stomach ached with hunger, craving to be full again like it was last night.
I forced breaths in and out.
Where are you, Damon? We don’t have to live like this. Why did you leave me behind?
But I knew the answer. He left, because he knew I would wait. I always did.
The more Kai was in my days, though, the more confused I was becoming. He’d been so candid last night, reminiscing his old childhood apartment, but then his expression turned sad, recalling how his father had succeeded in becoming such a great man. He left so much unsaid. So much he didn’t really need to say, I guess.
He thought he was a disappointment.
I looked around my small, one-room apartment, the cracked floorboards vibrating under my feet every time someone walked down the hallway outside my door.
The dirty window was covered by a yellowed shade. The sink sat empty, my one dish, one bowl, one cup, and one set of silverware sitting in the dish rack next to it. There was a futon I’d bought at a second-hand store and some cinderblocks with a board on top functioning as the coffee table.
Kai Mori didn’t know how lucky he was. At least he had people to count on, an education, opportunities, and chances.
I didn’t even have a high school diploma.
No money, either, and I could never leave the one person I gave a shit about.
Kai could always rise higher, and I was getting tired of being around him and being reminded that I couldn’t.
I would always live like this.
Jogging up the narrow stairwell, I swung around the railing and continued up to the second floor. Cigarette butts laid squashed into the chipped wooden floors, and I breathed through my mouth to keep the stench of everything else going on in this building from making me gag. It was no picnic growing up with Damon and Gabriel, but I was so thankful my brother took me away from here eleven years ago.
I pounded on my mother’s apartment door, the 3 missing from the two-thirty-two above the peephole. Now just the dark mark of the glue shaped like a three remained.
“Mom!” I called out, pounding with the side of my fist again. “Mom, it’s me!”
We both lived in the same broken-down neighborhood in Meridian City, so walking here took less than ten minutes.
When I moved to town after Damon went off to prison, I could’ve just moved back in with her, I suppose—to combine resources and all—but I didn’t want to, and thankfully, she didn’t ask. She still had a lifestyle that kids could cramp, so…
I needed to talk to her, though. We needed a straight story in case anyone—like Kai—came by to ask about me. Gabriel wasn’t on my birth certificate, and the only other people who knew I was his daughter all worked for him, so my mother was the only weak link. I had to make sure she kept her mouth shut. Kai didn’t need to find out exactly how much leverage he had at his fingertips.
After a minute of no response and no sounds coming from inside, I dug out my stolen key, unlocking the door. Opening it, I took a step in and immediately looked around, taking in the living room in shambles.
“What the hell?” I breathed out, wincing at the smell.
I spotted a man passed out on the couch, one leg hanging off, and closed the door behind me, not worrying about being quiet. He obviously didn’t hear me banging it down a moment ago anyway.
Sticking my keys back in my pocket, I took in the dark, dingy room, the only light coming from whatever was breaching the shades and the tacky, blue velvet curtains. I walked over to the coffee table, sifting through day-old Chinese food containers, cigarettes, and tipped-over beer bottles. I picked up a pipe, the glass clouded from the residue of what had burned inside it. Every muscle tightened as I glared at it, and I shook my head.
Tossing it back down to the table, I glanced at the biker sprawled on the couch with his jeans and belt unfastened. Then, raising my eyes a hair, I glared at the camera sitting on the arm of the sofa. The nice, high-tech kind with an attached microphone.
Fuck her.
Spinning around, I charged for the kitchen table, tipped over one of the chairs, and stomped on one of the legs, breaking it off. Picking it up, I charged down the hallway toward her bedroom, and whipped it open.
The knob slammed into the wall, and I found her with another fucking guy, this one younger and passed out on the bed next to her. Sheets curled around their legs, a lamp laid overturned on the floor, and the rain splattered on the sill from where the window was cracked open. Clothes were scattered everywhere, and the stench of cigarettes hit me like a wave. I fought not to cough.
Turning my eyes right, I spotted the tripod for the camera.
Son of a bitch. I whipped the cane to my right, slamming it into her dresser.
“Get out!” I shouted. “Get the fuck out!”
I pounded the wooden stick again, sending the perfume bottles on her dresser tipping over.
“What the hell?” The man suddenly woke, trying to sit up and rubbing his eyes.
“Get up, asshole!” I raised my foot, stomping it down on the bed. “Get out of here now!”
My mom, her dark hair hanging over one eye, pulled the sheet up and sat up. “What? What’s happening?”
“Shut up,” I growled, raising the stick.
The young guy, probably only a few years older than me, looked at me like he was part terrified and part confused.
Okay, let me be clearer then.
I got in his face. “Get. Out!” I bellowed, my face hot with fire as I whipped the cane against the wall above his head over and over again. “Get the fuck out! Go! Go! Go!”
“What the fuck?” he barked, scrambling off the bed and scurrying for his clothes. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“Nik, what are you doing?” I heard my mother ask me, but I ignored her.
I breathed hard. The camera, the men, drugs…fucking slut. I swallowed the bile rising up my throat.
The guy scrambled back into his jeans, grabbing his shoes and swiping his shirt off the chair, and shot me a scowl as he bolted from the room.
My mother quickly slipped into her nightgown and robe, but I followed the guy out, making sure he took his friend.
I saw him hopping on one leg, trying to get his shoes on. “Man, get up!” he whisper-yelled to his buddy.
The other one started to peel himself off the sofa, but I bolted over and grabbed the camera.
“Hey, that’s ours!” the young one shouted. “We paid her! What’s on that is ours!”
But I just stood there, my fist squeezing the cane as I dared them. “Gabriel,” I said slowly. “Torrance.”
They quickly exchanged a look, and I watched as their faces fell. Yeah, that’s right. That name was useful when I needed it to be.
They didn’t know my father couldn’t give a shit less about what my mother did.
“Get out,” I repeated one last time.
They moved slowly, but they moved. They picked up their coats, grabbed their drugs, and walked out the door, the young one shooting me another displeased little scowl before he walked out. “She wasn’t any good anyway,” he spat, his eyes flashing behind me.
They walked out, and I charged over, kicking the door shut right behind them.
Hearing a shuffle behind me, I whipped around, tossing the stick onto the couch.
My mother stood in the living room, having just come out of the hallway, her red silk robe falling mid-thigh, partially covering her pink nightie. She chewed her thumbnail, chin trembling.
“What’s the video camera for?” I asked.
“I needed money.”
“I give you money!”
“That doesn’t even cover rent!”
Her eyes pooled with tears, and I charged over to the couch, tossing off the new pillows she’d bought.
“What about this shit?” I charged, continuing to walk around the living room, sending a wall hanging swinging on its nail and a crystal bowl on the end table wobbling.
I turned around, taking in her fake nails with the French manicure and the spray tan. Gabriel paid me shit, a “woman’s wage” compared to what David, Lev, and Ilia made, and after I paid my rent and the few utilities I had, she got the rest. I somehow managed to live on less! Why couldn’t she? I felt a sob well up in my throat, and I just wanted to fucking strangle her.
“There’s millions of other people in the world and they make it work somehow!” I shouted, charging up and getting in her face.
Everything was fucked, and the walls were closing in. I hated my life. I hated Damon and my father and Kai and everyone. I just wanted to go to sleep for a year. When were things going to be different?
“He was right,” I gritted out, staring at her but seeing only myself. “You’re just a sloppy, junkie whore! What are ya gonna do when no one wants to pay for your tired, old pussy anymore? Your tits are already sagging down to your knees!”
Her hand whipped across my face, and my head slammed right.
I sucked in a breath, my whole body going still.
The burn in my face spread like a snake bite getting deeper and deeper, and I closed my eyes.
Christ. My mother had never hit me before.
I might’ve gotten a few spankings as a kid—I didn’t remember—but she’d never hit me on the face.
Slowly, I turned my head forward again, seeing her staring at me, a world of hurt in her red eyes. She brought her hand up to her mouth, and I didn’t know if she was shocked by what she’d done or sad that this was where we were at.
I dug in my pocket, feeling a tear spill over as I stared at the ground. I took the sixty-four dollars I had on my clip and walked over, dumping it on the coffee table.
“That’s everything,” I said.
Today it was all I was ever going to give her again, I promised myself.
But tomorrow it would be “enough to live on for a few days.”
And next week I’d be back with more.
I always came back. What was I going to do? I didn’t want my mother living on the streets. I still loved her.
Ignoring her soft crying and her head buried in her hands, I opened the front door to leave.
“Do you have money to eat?” she spoke up.
But I just laughed under my breath. “Give yourself a couple hits,” I told her, gesturing to the pipe. “You won’t care anymore.”
Slamming the door, I let out a breath, my chest shaking as I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I am important,” I whispered to myself.
Silent tears streamed down as I forced away all the doubt. Forced away the suspicions that I was being used. No. No, my father needed me more every day. And Damon wasn’t using me, either. He wanted me to be happy. I know he did. And I would be, eventually.
And if I didn’t take care of my mom, who would?
I was needed. I was valuable.
I wouldn’t be thrown away like her. They wouldn’t do that to me. Who was going to do what I did for them?
The camera cracked in my fist, and every muscle in my face ached with a sob, because even I could no longer believe my own words.
Oh, God. I broke into a run as the world in front of me blurred and all the tears started to spill over. I was going to be like her. Months turn into years, and people like me don’t make it out.
She was going to die in that apartment. And I was going to die in this city, just as dumb and uneducated and poor as I was right now.
I raced down the stairs, swinging around the bannister, and bolted out the door.
The cold rain pierced my face like an icicle, a welcome relief from the shit coursing like lava under my skin right now.
I breathed in and out, practically gasping as I bolted down the sidewalk, weaving between pedestrians already on their way to work for the day. I didn’t know where I was going. I just needed to get away.
As far away and as fast as I could. Just go and go and go.
So, I ran. I ran, the rain pounding the pavement around me, seeing nothing but feet and legs as I whipped past others and raced across the streets. Horns honked, but I didn’t look up to see if it was because of me.
The rain soaked through my combat boots, not hard since they weren’t tied again, and soon my hat was plastered to my head, heavy with water.
I splashed through puddles, slowly feeling every piece of clothing on me start to stick to my skin. I wiped rain off my face, but the downpour was so thick, I could barely see twenty feet in front of me.
But I didn’t stop. I raced, not giving a shit if there was a cliff or a car about to come through the mist and right for me at any second.
This was all their fault. Michael’s brother got Damon arrested in the first place, and thank God he was dead, or I would’ve done it myself. If it wasn’t for that, Damon would’ve finished college, and we’d be gone.
And then the rest of them…. My brother would’ve taken a bullet for them, and they chose Erika Fane without hesitation. Years of him always having their backs, and they threw him away like it was nothing. They didn’t even fight for him.
I heard a high-pitched sound ring through the air, and I looked up, seeing that I was on the sidewalk crossing the bridge. I turned my weary eyes out onto the water, seeing a tugboat pushing a barge downstream, its foghorn echoing through the storm.
Looking down at the camera in my hand, I raised my fist and launched it out into the river, seeing it disappear into the black water.
I dropped my eyes, shaking my head. That wasn’t true, though, was it? I could see Damon’s side, because I knew how much he was hurting. I knew how he thought.
No one at home loved him. Our father was a tyrant, and his mother…. He was terrorized by her. I groaned at the sickness rising from my stomach, remembering all the things he never meant for me to see in that tower.
All the things she didn’t know I was there to see.
Because of all that, Damon became very possessive of the few good people in his life.
Me, his friends….
Anything that threatened us was immediately an enemy.
That’s why he hated Erika—or Rika, as everyone seemed to call her. He wasn’t right, but I knew where he was coming from, so I could understand it.
But he got himself arrested by fucking around with Winter, a girl he knew was off limits. In more ways than one.
And it was him who went too far last year and had to go into hiding.
If he really wanted us to be on our own, he would’ve taken me with him. Forget his friends. Forget Rika. Just go and both of us get out of here, and we could finally be free.
But that didn’t happen, and I now realized it would never happen.
I bit my bottom lip, trying not to cry anymore. We weren’t ever going to leave, were we? He was using me, too.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I started walking again, trying to hold everything back, but I just couldn’t. I walked and walked and walked, over the bridge, past the old farmer’s market on State Street, and down the dilapidated, empty lanes of Whitehall, and I didn’t cry, but the tears kept spilling anyway as I clenched my teeth together, shivering.
The rain had soaked my clothes, my head was weighted with the drenched hat, and icy coldness covered my skin. I could feel every hair trying to stand up as chills spread across my body.
I finally stopped, my arms hugging myself as my teeth chattered, and looked up.
Sensou shone in red, an emblem with a maze within a maze next to it and Japanese script in the center. I guess my feet knew where I was supposed to be.
Like a machine. That was me.
With shaking hands, I peeled back my cuff and looked at my watch, seeing that it was eight in the morning. Kai told me last night to be here by nine.
I needed to call David and tell him I didn’t need a ride this morning.
Heading to the front of the dojo, I yanked on the door, but it didn’t give. Locked.
Walking around the side of the building, I entered the dark alley, all the brick buildings around me painted black, even the fire escapes.
Jogging up to the side door, I huddled under the awning and pulled at the door.
But it also didn’t give.
I wrapped my arms around myself again, leaning back against the building.
The cold was seeping down to my bones, and I hung my head, my eyelids falling closed.
My mother was either smoking away what I gave her or buying a new outfit right now. Whatever it took to make herself feel better.
Wouldn’t she just love to see me doing whatever it took to bring in more money? Of course, she’d feel sorry about it, but really, what did she think was going to happen to me when Damon bought me all those years ago? She had asked him what he wanted me for. He simply answered, “Does it matter?”
It didn’t. In a perfect world she wanted to be able to afford to care, but when it came down to it, she had no idea what he could’ve done to me, and the unknown wasn’t enough to stop her from giving me away.
I was what Kai said I was. A tool. Something others used.
My eyes welled up again, and I wiped my cheek with my sleeve.
“Morning.”
I shot my eyes to the right for a quick glance.
Kai’s black pants were covered in raindrops, and he approached, a duffel bag over his shoulder and a folded newspaper over his head. I turned my face away, which I knew must be red and splotchy. I didn’t want him seeing me like this…my street cred and all.
“What…” He stopped at my side, under the awning. “You’re soaking wet. What hap—”
“Don’t ask me any questions, please,” I begged in a quiet voice. “I just got caught in the rain, and I…I’ll be fine.”
I squeezed my fists, trying to warm my hands, but I failed to hold back the shivers.
I hadn’t looked at his face, but I didn’t hear him move for a moment, so I didn’t know what he was doing.
Finally, I heard the door unlock and open.
“Get in here. Come on,” he told me.
He held the door open for me, and I ducked in under his arm, entering the dojo’s kitchen. I could call David and ask him to come, after all, to bring me some clothes. Or maybe there were some extras of those polos the employees wore. I could stick it out in my wet jeans for now.
I bit my lip, shaking, as Kai came in, dropped his bag, and turned on the lights. I glanced up, seeing he was in a white button-down, his chest visible through the wet drops. I just stared at him for a moment. His hair wet and sticking up, looking incredible and beautiful and taking my mind off the cold for a moment.
He came over, handing me a towel, but then he took my other hand, trying to take me somewhere.
I jerked out of his hold.
I didn’t need to be taken care of.
But he turned around, fixing me with a glare. “You don’t want to fight with me right now,” he warned. “Just do as you’re told. You’re good at that.”
And he took my hand again and pulled me after him. I stumbled a step, following him through the kitchen, into the lobby, and down the hall. The whole place was empty and dark, except for the small glow of the lights lining the trim on the bottom of the walls.
He pushed through the door to the women’s locker room, and led me past the lockers, toward the showers.
Opening a stall door, he reached in and turned on the water, the rainfall showerhead high overhead coming to life. Water started to pour and steam instantly billowed.
God, that looked good.
“You’re freezing,” he said, turning back to me. “Get these clothes off.”
He reached for the buttons on my jacket, and I knocked his hands away. “No.”
I crossed my arms in front of me, embarrassment swelling up inside me. “Don’t touch me.”
“I wasn’t going to touch you,” he said, his voice suddenly softer. “I just want to take off your jacket, okay?”
I shook my head.
“Look, you don’t have to take off your clothes,” he explained, his tone growing more urgent again, “but you have to get warm.”
I stared down at my white knuckles still clenched into fists. “My clothes will dry.”
He let out a sigh, sounding like a hushed growl, and before I realized what was happening, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, carrying me into the shower.
I pushed against his chest as he closed the shower door and put us both under the hot rainfall.
“No!” I argued.
But, his lips tight, he gave me an angry, “Shh….” and dropped me to my feet, his arms locking around my body and holding me to him.
Asshole!
I planted my hands on his chest, snarling up at him, but soon, the heat from the water started to seep into my clothes, and then the water was coursing down my skin.
Oh…
My skin erupted in a wave of delightful pinpricks, making my blood come alive as everything tingled with the heat.
I wanted to smile, it felt so good.
My eyelids started to feel heavy, the hot water blanketing my back, running down my legs, and spreading over my head and neck.
Warm. I was so warm. I just wanted to…
I groaned, starting to waver.
My body was so tired. Kai strengthened his hold, letting me relax into him, and I did. I didn’t fight it.
I laid my head on his chest, and after a moment, I felt him carefully brush my knit cap off my head, the water hitting my scalp and drowning out the rest of the world.
I closed my eyes and savored the feeling.
Just for a minute, I told myself.
Tucking my arms in, I huddled into his chest, letting myself give up for a minute. His arms circled all the way around me, one resting on my waist and the other one on my arm, while the heat of the water mixed with the heat of his skin through his wet shirt lulled me into a feeling of peace I couldn’t remember ever having before. Not even with Damon.
I couldn’t remember the last time I was this close to somebody.
The shower pounded around us, drowning out the sound of the storm outside, our breathing, even my thoughts…I didn’t want to think. For five fucking minutes, I didn’t want to talk or worry or fight or be scared or angry or hate everything. I didn’t even want to stand.
“This means nothing,” I mumbled, still snuggling into his body.
His chest shook under my head. “Absolutely nothing. I promise.”
Something brushed my forehead, and I felt his fingers wipe away the hair on my cheek. His hand smoothed the strands back over the top of my head, and another small wave of pleasure hit me right down to my toes. I was suddenly aware of my wet thighs molded to his and the rest of my body pressing into him.
This was heaven.
His hand smoothed my hair a few more times, slower and gentler, and then he wrapped his arms around me again, holding me tight.
“I like your braids.” His deep voice suddenly sounded raspy. “Your hair is a beautiful color. Like mahogany. Why do you hide it?”
I opened my mouth to hit him with a nasty remark but closed it. I didn’t want this to end quite yet, and I guess it was normal for him to wonder.
But it was still none of his business.
“You cover your hair, you wear men’s clothes,” he went on, “Who are you, kid?”
It almost sounded like a rhetorical question, like he was just thinking out loud. And part of me wanted to come clean.
I gave a half-smile he didn’t see. “I’m nobody.”
“That’s not true,” he argued, and I heard his voice closer to my ear. “I’ve never seen Damon possessive over a woman, but he was over you that night.” He tipped my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “Who are you to him?”
I opened my mouth, but again, I didn’t know what to say. I shook my head.
“Did he hurt you?” Kai’s onyx eyes pleaded with me for more as he dropped his voice to a whisper. “No one’s here but you and me. Did he hurt you? Why are you loyal to them?”
I stared into his gaze, my eyes starting to burn again as I struggled with my love for my brother and the pathetic desire building inside me to latch onto someone.
The rain shower spilled down his black hair, streams coursing down his neck and over the vein there. The water disappeared under his collar, and I let my eyes drift back up over his angular jaw to his mouth. Full lips, his bottom one with a unique little flat spot like someone had pressed their finger there and the dent remained. Staring at it, my teeth suddenly ached. I could feel the meat he fed me last night in my mouth again and the sensation of biting into it.
Confusion wracked my brain. He wasn’t really my enemy. Not really.
He wanted answers. I wanted my brother back.
“What was it like for you in prison?” I asked him. “We paid off people to keep Damon safe, but what about you and Will? Was it bad?”
Pain suddenly crossed his eyes, and he stared at me, lost for a moment.
“Michael did the same,” he told me. “Paid people to keep all of us safe, but…”
He trailed off, and I waited. Like in the confessional all those years ago, he had to work up the courage to talk.
He swallowed. “I told Rika once that I was never going back there. That I never knew people could be so ugly.” He met my eyes. “But I was talking about me.”
He caressed my hair, looking troubled.
“It wasn’t as simple as Michael thought it would be. Paying people off, I mean. We were rich, young, privileged, and we were doing half the sentence that others were doing for the same crimes. The threats, the looks, the nighttime taunts carrying down the cells toward us,’ he told me. “I just wanted to go home.”
A lump stretched my throat painfully, sad for both him and my brother.
“My father taught me to fight,” he went on. “He taught me how to kill if I ever had to. But he also taught me to make the world better.” He paused, thinking, and then spoke again. “A trick of survival in prison is, on your first day, walk in there with your head high, look around into everyone’s eyes, and find someone to hit. Establish your strength and make sure everyone sees it.”
I listened, remembering I’d heard the same thing somewhere.
“I waited until day three,” he said. “I picked the biggest guy I could find, someone I’d seen throwing his weight around, someone who’d threatened Will on our first day, and I went over, and I hit him.”
I could almost see it in my head.
“To my surprise, though, he didn’t go down right away,” Kai continued, a half-smile on his face. “I ended up with a broken nose, three cracked ribs, and a fat lip.”
I laughed a little. A Horseman didn’t fall often, so he got his comeuppance, I’d say.
But his expression turned solemn. “He ended up with a fractured spine.”
Oh, Christ.
“I was the trained one,” he said, looking like he was still angry with himself. “I should’ve known where I was kicking.”
“Did he heal?”
He nodded. “Yeah, but it took a couple months, and he has some nerve damage. He has no feeling in three of his fingers on his right hand anymore.”
Well, it could’ve been worse. A lot worse.
“The next day,” he continued, “my lunch table was the fullest in the cell block.”
“So, you got respect then.”
“Yeah, by acting like an animal,” he pointed out. “That scared me, because it wasn’t the first time I’d chosen to react with violence when I shouldn’t have. Was it going to be a habit? I was losing grasp of the life I wanted to have and the person I wanted to be, because I kept being stupid.” He dropped his eyes, breathing so hard and looking vulnerable. “I don’t want to ruin my life.”
I stared at him, unable to take my eyes off him. He wouldn’t look at me, and I realized he felt just as useless and inadequate as I always had.
An urge pulled at me to make him feel good.
“Hey.” I brought up my hand, nudging his chin.
He raised his eyes.
I gave him a small smile. “Sometimes when everything and everyone around me is hard to face, I look up.”
He pinched his eyebrows together, looking like he didn’t understand, and I tilted my head back, looking up at the ceiling.
Slowly, he did the same, following my gaze.
The steam billowed in the air above us, parting here and there to show the white granite ceiling of the shower. Particles of crystal in the rock glittered in the dim light, and for a moment, my brain was floating among the mist. Light as a feather, soaring on the clouds.
“Changing your view…” I trailed off. “It helps. Right?”
He smiled, his shoulders relaxing. “We’ll have to try that outside at night sometime.”
We?
Suddenly, he cleared his throat and straightened up, releasing me. “I’m going to get you some clothes, okay?” he told me. “Why don’t you sit down? Warm up some more under the water.”
I nodded, reluctantly backing away as he stepped aside. Was he embarrassed? I didn’t want him to leave, but he looked like he was in a hurry to get out of here. Maybe he regretted telling me all that, but I was glad he did.
He pointed at the shower floor. “Stay here, okay?”
He walked to the door, opening it, and stepped out. “Alex,” I heard him call, but before I had a chance to look, he’d closed the shower door again.
I remained there, all the chill now gone. Legs growing weary, I fell softly into the wall to help support my weight.
He didn’t touch me. He’d just put his arms around me and held me, not getting greedy or trying to get more out of me or anything. Even Damon had never been as patient and comforting with me.
On the rare occasion my brother felt compelled to show any affection, no embrace ever lasted more than a few seconds. My mother was probably the last person to hold me like that.
I slid down the wall, my ass planted on the tiles and my knees drawn up. I closed my eyes, feeling my blood flowing warm under my skin, my breathing slow and steady.
My mind tilted sideways, and every limb was a ten-ton weight. I didn’t know how long I drifted off for.
“Banks?” I heard a soft voice say.
Could’ve been an hour later or a minute. I wasn’t sure.
I shifted, letting out a little moan.
“Banks?” the voice said, closer this time, and I slowly peeled my eyes open.
Alex, the girl from the party, was crouching down next to me, dressed in some hot pink workout shorts and a white sports bra. She stayed back from the spray of the shower.
“Kai wanted me to get you some clothes,” she explained. “I’ve been waiting outside. I just want to let you know I have something for you to wear. You can stay in here however long you want, though.”
I sniffled, opening my eyes and sitting all the way up. “I’m fine.”
I got to my feet and stood up, Alex rising with me.
“Okay,” she said, backing up and pointing to the hook on the wall. “Towels are here, and there’s a bag for your wet clothes, too. I’ve got some dry ones sitting on the bench right outside.”
I nodded, reluctantly appreciating how she’d thought of everything. I hadn’t called any of the guys, so I didn’t have clothes, and I’d need to wear something while my own dried. I knew they had washers and dryers available for the gym towel service.
She quickly left, and I reached over, shutting off the water. Taking one of the towels off the hook, I patted my still-braided hair dry and hung it back up, hurriedly taking off my clothes. I peeled off my soaked jacket and dropped it to the floor, following quickly with my flannel shirt, shoes, socks, jeans, and underthings. Every unraveling of the bindings around my chest felt more glorious than the last, until finally my breasts were freed, hitting the air.
I closed my eyes, letting out a small moan. I wrapped myself in the same towel and quickly stuffed the wet clothes in one of the white tote bags Sensou sold at the front desk that Alex had apparently brought me. Undoing the braids in my hair, I shook the locks free, massaging my scalp with the other towel.
Reaching outside the door, I grabbed the small stack of clothes, hearing several other women in the locker room talking. The gym must be open for business by now.
Closing the door, I peeked through the stack, looking for the rest of the clothes.
“What?” I blurted out.
Black stretch pants that looked like a second skin and a gray sports bra with a Nike symbol in the middle. I groaned. Where was the fucking rest of it? I couldn’t wear this shit.
“Ugh,” I growled, holding onto the bra and slipping the pants on. She had to have something else out there. Or at least a sweatshirt.
I pulled up the pants, the soft fabric wrapping around my thighs and behind, and I groaned at the discomfort. It was weird to have something matted to my skin like this. But when I pulled the towel off and reached over to hang it up, I paused, noticing how good the form-fitting pants felt to move in. A ton lighter.
Slipping my arms through the openings in the bra, I squeezed my head through the middle and pulled the bra down, quickly adjusting my breasts to fit inside.
I blinked long and hard. Oh, God. I felt naked. I pulled my hair over one shoulder, trying to cover my breasts that were damn near popping out of her top, and folded my hands over my bare stomach.
I opened the door a crack, peeking out. I didn’t want to walk out there like this.
Oh, who was I kidding? Every woman here was practically dressed like this. I wouldn’t stand out. Damon had made me so self-conscious, like if I showed an ankle, men would pounce like wolves.
Patting my feet dry again, I stepped out, picking up the bag of clothes and tossing the towels in the basket right outside the shower.
I walked into the locker room, seeing a few women scurrying about to get to their workouts.
“You look good,” a voice said.
I looked up, seeing Alex standing with her hands on her hips and nodding at me as her eyes scaled me up and down.
I tensed.
“We’re about the same size,” she mused, coming over and taking my hand. “Wouldn’t know it by the way you drown in your usual clothes.”
She grabbed the bag from me, and I watched as she tossed it to an attendant—a young woman in a black Sensou polo—who carried it off somewhere, hopefully to the dryers.
“My clothes aren’t that big,” I mumbled.
She led me over to the vanities and pushed my shoulders down, my tired legs giving out under me and my ass slamming into the seat. She immediately started brushing my hair.
“I can do it,” I snapped, reaching for the brush.
But she pulled away. “You can’t,” she told me, plucking a foil-wrapped object off the counter and dropping it in my lap. “You have to eat.”
I picked up the soft, warm roll. “What’s this?”
“Kai had some breakfast burritos delivered.”
I dropped it back to my lap. “I’m fine.”
“He said you’d say that.” She held a fistful of my hair, working intently on brushing the ends. “He also said you’re smart enough to pick your battles, and someone as practical as you wouldn’t split hairs over a stupid burrito.”
A smile escaped me. Okay. Point.
The floury scent of the tortilla hit my nose, and my stomach suddenly rumbled. I hadn’t eaten this morning.
She finished brushing out my tangles as I unwrapped the burrito and bit into it. Soft egg, spicy sausage, some onions, peppers, and jalapenos with a little cheese, and I couldn’t help myself. I bit into it again, not waiting to swallow the first bite first.
“Good girl.” Alex winked at me and turned on the hair dryer.
My hair blew around me, the whirring noise drowning out everything but me and this fucking burrito. Most of the time, I rarely stopped moving long enough to notice if I was hungry or not, so I’d often go all day on an egg and a piece of toast. Marina always had something cooking, too, so I might grab a few pieces of leftovers or a bowl of soup from the pot she kept on the stove, but usually, it was grab-and-go or eat nothing.
Alex smoothed the brush through my hair as she dried it, the long strands tickling the bare skin of my arms and back. I felt chills spread across my skin and found myself dropping my head back to give her better access with the brush. I breathed out, closing my eyes as I ate. The prongs of her brush dragged over my scalp.
Soon I’d finished the burrito and sat, savoring the feel of the brush combing through my hair when I realized the hair dryer was no longer running. I opened my eyes, seeing Alex staring at me in the mirror, her cute ponytail sitting high with hair around her face.
My own hair, all foot and a half of it, cascaded down my back, and she’d put a part in the side. I hadn’t had it down, clean, and blown out all at the same time in ages.
“When’s the last time you’ve been touched?” she asked, studying me. “Like really touched?”
I dropped my head forward again, avoiding her eyes. I suppose I’d enjoyed getting my hair combed a little too much?
She sat down next to me, straddling the bench and facing me.
“We all need it, you know?” she said quietly. “We need contact. It’s only human. But if you’re not getting it from someone else, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-love, either. Just pointing that out. You strike me as uptight, and it’ll help. I self-love at least twice a day.”
I shot her a scowl. I didn’t like people who overshared.
She laughed, and I noticed her bright, wide smile that gave her a child-like, girl-next-door sweetness. Very much in contrast to her un-child-like body that I knew half the men at that party the other night had probably taken to bed. Had Kai slept with her?
“I’m serious, though.” She nudged me, bringing me back. “Being touched is a need. Close your eyes for me.”
Huh?
“It’s an experiment,” she explained, probably seeing my confused look. “I won’t touch you anywhere personal.”
No. I inched away.
But she just followed me. “Close your eyes, and imagine I’m him.”
“Him?”
“Your fantasy.”
My fantasy? Wha—
“Indulge me for two minutes,” she leaned in, whispering, “and I’ll give you my sweatshirt.”
I let out a scoff.
But still…I’d like a sweatshirt.
Fine. Fuck it. I closed my eyes.
Without my sight balancing me, my brain seemed to start floating, but I still felt her shift next to me, and then a hand touched my stomach, making me jump.
“Do you see him in your head,” she whispered, her breath falling across my jaw. “Your fantasy. Picture him—or her—what they’re wearing, the room, how they’re coming for you.”
My eyelids fluttered, the images popping into my head on instinct.
“No,” I muttered, the word accidentally slipping out.
Her fingertips grazed my abdomen, sending delightful chills up my arms. “Yes,” she breathed in my ear. “You see him, don’t you? He’s touching you right now. This is his hand on your stomach. His body next to you. His voice in your ear. Do you see him?”
I shivered, my breathing turning shallow. I was suddenly back in the grave.
Kai’s bare chest was in front of me, and I wanted to sink my fingers into his waist and bury my nose in his neck. The faint scent of his soap and the wet earth under our shoes surrounded me, and another scent that was just Kai. It was in his hair, his mouth, his skin…
“I want you,” he gasped out, his hot breath in my ear. “I want you in my mouth.”
His hand slid up the back of my neck, threading into my hair and gripping it lightly. I whimpered, feeling my nipples harden.
He sank his mouth into my neck, and I sucked in a breath through my teeth, his lips kissing and sucking my skin. Oh, God. I leaned my head to the side, letting him in.
“I’m going to eat you so fucking deep,” he said, his possessive hand on my stomach trailing down the inside of my thigh.
I could see us on a bed, his head buried between my legs, and even though I felt the heat of a blush on my face, I wanted him there.
“You feel me?” he asked. “You feel how much I want you? I’m going to stick my tongue up inside you and lick until you’re screaming for me to let you come. You’re mine.”
My chest shook, and I moaned, feeling him nibble my ear, his hands growing more demanding, making me sweat.
“Take my hands, baby,” he whispered. “Put my hands on you.”
I licked my dry lips, not even hesitating. I grabbed his hand on my thigh, but stopped, feeling a soft, slender hand that didn’t feel like a man’s.
I popped my eyes open, seeing Alex at my side.
“Oh, my God.” I put my hand over my mouth, embarrassment wracking through me. That was all her. Holy shit. I released her hand, watching her reluctantly pull away and let out a sigh.
“He’s a lucky guy. Whoever he is.”
I shook my head, baffled at what just happened. And the somersaults still going on in my stomach.
She leaned in. “Tonight, you should remember that fantasy and finish it, even if it’s just you, by yourself, in your bed.”
No wonder Will kept her on payroll.
“Or if you want,” she said, teasing with a smirk in her voice, “call me, and I’ll finish you off.”
The pulse between my legs throbbed harder.
Fucking amazing, I thought to myself. I could take on a two-hundred-fifty-pound guy, but a twenty-year-old escort got me shy.
I was about to stand up when a shout rang out through the locker room. “Is Banks done in there yet?!”
It was Kai.
Alex hopped off the bench, grabbing her brush and pushing my hair behind my shoulders. “Yeah, she’s dry and dressed!”
“Get her out here then.”
I quickly stood up and scurried over to Alex’s locker, snatching the gray zip-up on the bench in front of it. It was long, hopefully long enough to cover the curvy parts.
I walked for the door, seeing it partly open and Kai’s form through the frosted glass. I slipped into the sweatshirt.
“I’m here,” I said, opening the door. “What do you need?”
He immediately turned and started walking, without looking at me, clearly expecting me to follow him.
“I need you to handle the front desk for an hour. The first shifter is caught in traffic.”
I made to zip up the jacket, but all of a sudden it was ripped off me from behind, and I jerked around, seeing a smiling Alex snatching it back and shoving me in the chest, out the door.
What the fuck?
She slammed the locker room door closed, and I rushed back, jiggling the knob, but she was planted against it, not letting me in.
I opened my mouth to yell but just fisted my hands, growling low.
Damn her.
“Everything slows to a goddamn halt, like people have never seen rain before,” Kai went on, still walking down the hallway. “Just scan cards, hand out towels if they ask, and answer the phones. It shouldn’t be too long.”
I tucked one side of my hair behind my ear and followed him reluctantly, fidgeting my hands and trying to cover my stomach with my arms and then my cleavage.
“I’ll show you how to use the intercom to page me if you need me,” he instructed.
I stopped at the desk as he reached over it, grabbing a set of keys and a walkie talkie.
But then something dropped in the middle of the lobby, and Kai and I both looked over, seeing Michael standing frozen with his fucking eyebrows up at his hairline. He was staring at me.
I shifted my eyes around, grinding my teeth together. Yeah, laugh it up, asshole.
Kai held out his hands, annoyed as he looked at Michael and Rika standing still in the middle of the lobby with a Gatorade spilling out on the floor.
“What’s the matter with you?” he burst out.
And then he followed their gaze, finally turning around and looking at me.
His eyebrows nose-dived, his back straightened, and he looked at me like I just kicked a puppy.
His gaze dropped to my bare feet, slowly scaling up Alex’s tight workout pants, my bare stomach, the sports bra, and my hair hanging long and free.
My fists clenched at my side.
Kai’s eyes finally met mine, and my stomach dropped. I knew that look. It was the same one he had in his eyes on that Devil’s Night, right before he chased me.
He cocked any eyebrow and turned his head toward his friends. “What are you looking at?” he growled to Michael. “Locker room’s that way.”
Michael had a grin he was trying to hold back, and Rika scowled at him.
“Breathe, asshole,” she said, and then she stomped off down the hallway.
He followed her, a choked laugh in his voice. “Babe, I was just a little shocked. It’s a huge change!”
“Shut up.”
“Rika, come on…”
And their argument disappeared down the hall.
I stood there, my head level but my gaze on the floor as I chewed the inside of my cheek. “I’ll change as soon as my clothes are dry,” I told him, looking up. “Where can I get one of those polos the other desk clerks wear?”
He didn’t answer for a moment, his gaze hesitantly glancing down and back up again.
Hooding his eyes, he walked around me, toward the hallway. “We’re all out.”
