Present
“What the hell’s going on?” He looked down at me in agony, all the meanness and cockiness from earlier now gone.
I knew what he was confused about, but I didn’t answer. I blinked through the tears in my eyes.
It had hurt. Just like Damon said it would.
I wanted to pull away from him, but then he’d know I couldn’t take what was happening. I couldn’t help but squirm under him, though, and try to shift the pain.
It burned, and I was uncomfortable. My throat swelled with the tears I was trying to hold in.
Of course, I knew it would only hurt that once, but once was all I would ever suffer, so help me. I clenched my jaw to keep my chin from trembling. I didn’t want to give away the shame I felt. I would never fucking do this again. It didn’t feel good.
“Get off me.” I grunted. I was cold, I ached, and he felt like an intrusion. Like something that shouldn’t be inside me.
“It’s okay,” he whispered under his breath, gently pushing my hair out of my eye. “It’s okay.”
“You got what you wanted, so get off me now.”
I was breaking, and the tears broke free, running down my temples, into my hair. I was ruined. Damon was going to hate me now.
But Kai just shook his head slowly, still looking down at me befuddled. “I didn’t know. I…I thought…” His fingers fell down the side of my face and then down my arm. “What the fuck is happening?”
His forehead dropped to mine, and I was about to shove him off, but I hesitated. Why the hell did he care? Wasn’t this what he wanted? Whether it was my first time or my hundredth, he’d used me like the toy I was to him. What did it matter?
“Who are you to him?” he asked, lifting his head up to look down at me.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll still choose him. He never hurt me like this. Not like you did.”
He winced, and I could tell I’d cut him. Kai worried he was bad, and he tried to be sinister, but not so deep down, he was good, and it was who he was. He would never change.
He didn’t like hurting me.
He shifted his body, pulling out of me, and I flinched at the renewed soreness between my legs as I tried to close them.
But he didn’t move off me. He stayed nestled between my thighs.
“Look at me,” he told me.
Slowly, I raised my eyes again, and he touched my face.
“I would’ve been gentler your first time,” he said.
“I don’t care.” I shook my head. “I don’t care about any of it.”
Shoving my palms into his chest, I pushed him off me and shot off the bed, bolting.
But he caught me from behind. Wrapping an arm around my waist, he hauled me back, and I gasped, both of us falling back on the bed. I laid on top of him, my back molded to his chest.
My scream was cut off by his mouth as he threaded his fingers through the back of my hair and twisted my head, holding my mouth to his.
I thrashed and jerked, elbowing him as I tried to twist away, but he didn’t let me go. His mouth, strong and demanding, moved to my jaw, my cheek, and my ear, sucking and biting, and I growled, throwing my left hand over my body and slapping him.
“Hurt me. Do what you want with me,” he gasped in my ear. “I deserve it.”
He brought his legs up between mine, bending them at the knee and spreading my own.
His hand slipped between my legs, and I cried out, suddenly afraid, but he stopped and just rested there, unmoving as he held me in his palm.
“Kai!” I yelled, fighting him.
His lips stopped on my cheek, breathing hard and hot. “Not tonight.”
What?
“I’m not Kai,” he said, “and you’re not Banks.”
There was something pleading in his voice that gave me pause.
“Thunder Bay doesn’t exist, and we’re not in The Pope,” he continued. “It’s six years ago when I was happy and excited, and you were curious about everything, and my words were all it took to touch you.”
My entire body stilled, and tears suddenly blurred my vision as he whispered to me.
“You’re the girl I didn’t know, and we could be anyone in that confessional. Everything else fell away. Everything. We could hide and fuck with the world in that little room. It was just us.”
I closed my eyes, exhaustion seizing me.
All those years ago. That wasn’t really me, was it?
I relaxed into him, unable to find the will to fight.
I almost remember being her. Back when I still hoped there were possibilities. When I thought there was some way I could have him and have the fun things that normal girls had. When I let myself crave those stolen kisses and his eyes on me; imagining him wanting things a man wanted from a woman and wanting them from me.
My lungs burned, and I sucked in a breath, realizing I’d forgotten to breathe. God, all that need flooded back, washing over me and heating up my skin. I’d starved myself dry, and I suddenly felt like nothing but bones so weak I could break. I was so hungry.
I turned my head, meeting his gaze an inch from mine. His fingers relaxed in my hair, while I stared into his dark pools, my mind too foggy to think.
“Hold my eyes,” he said softly. “Just keep looking at me.”
I did. I just dived and surrendered and fell.
The confessional.
We were back in the confessional. We were younger, and it was no one but us. Tucked away, safe.
I was safe.
His hand between my legs started to move, rubbing back and forth so gentle and slow. “No one sees us,” he breathed out. “There’s no one but you and me. We’re invisible. We don’t exist.”
I nodded weakly, but my lids started to droop with the sensation of his caresses. Oh, God.
“Keep your eyes on me, baby,” he told me.
I blinked several times, refocusing as his hand drifted up, running over my stomach. His touch sent shivers down my arms, and I moaned, struggling to hold his eyes as his hand came to my breast. He cupped it, kneading so softly and taunting me.
I caught him glance at my chest, his mouth open and his gaze thick with hunger like he wanted what was in his hand in his mouth instead.
Licking my lips, I felt him move to my other breast, fondling the nipple until that one, too, had tightened into a pebble. Butterflies swarmed in my belly, and I started to feel the pulse in my clit throb, wanting his hand back there now.
His fingers dug lightly into my skin, running back down my torso and stomach, sending shocks out of every pore on my body as he grabbed me a little harder between the thighs this time.
I closed my eyes and arched my back, feeling his erection pulse under me. “Kai…”
Every touch, every breath heightened the weightlessness taking over my body. I was floating, the room was spinning, and I didn’t want to get off the ride.
Turning my head, I parted my lips, searching for his.
His teeth caught my bottom lip, dragging it out tauntingly.
“This is what it should’ve been,” he told me. “It wouldn’t have hurt so much if I’d gotten you ready first. I’m sorry. I should’ve gone slowly.”
Opening my eyes, I looked up at him. Instinct told me to bolt. Tuck back into my shell and stay in the darkness.
But I wasn’t Banks tonight. He wasn’t Kai, and we weren’t here. None of this was happening.
“So, go slow with me then,” I whispered.
He only hesitated a moment before sliding out from under me and laying me down on the bed. I immediately raised my arms to cover myself, a golf ball in my throat and my heart palpitating.
I wanted him, but I was still shy. No one had ever seen me naked.
Life had gotten a hell of lot more complicated in the last ten minutes.
He wasn’t looking anywhere but in my eyes as he came to hover over me.
“I want you.” He gently pulled my arms down.
His stare bore into me as he ran his hand up the center of my torso, gliding between my breasts to my neck. He dived down, covering my nipple with his mouth, and I threw my head back, moaning. “Kai,” I said again.
I placed my hands on his arms as he held himself up with one hand and used the other to grope the breast he was kissing. His hot mouth sucked on the tight, hard skin, drawing the nipple out and then going in for more before he began moving around all over.
I shuddered. “That feels so good.”
He quickly switched over to the other one, leaving his hand where it was and keeping me warm.
He trailed down my stomach, and I shivered, fisting my fingers in his hair.
“Open your legs,” he said huskily.
I lifted up my head, and my eyes instantly fell between his legs, seeing him hard and thick. “Uh,” I whimpered. “No.”
Without looking up, he descended lower and lifted up my leg by the back of the knee. “Gotta get you ready, babe.”
He dipped his head between my legs, burying his mouth, and I tried to push him off. “No, don’t do that—”
But with the subtle flick of his tongue, my eyelids suddenly felt so heavy.
He swirled around just above the hood, rubbing me with his mouth as his hand circled my thigh, holding it up, and his body settled in between my thighs.
Licking and nibbling, his assault was soft at first, sending my stomach reeling and fireworks shooting down my legs. I felt like I was on a swing twenty stories up, leaning back with my hair flying in the air.
I wanted more. Deeper.
Then he started sucking. Everything. In, out, and around, kissing my skin down there and still kneading my breast with one hand. I lifted up my head, watching him.
“You’re so fucking tight down here,” he panted, gently biting me. “But you’re going to stretch. I promise.”
I bit my lip as he looked up at me.
“Do you like this?” he asked, licking me up and down slowly.
My cheeks heated with a blush, and a small smile crossed his face.
“Or this?” He watched me as he swirled his tongue around my clit over and over again.
I lost my breath, my eyelids fluttering.
He grinned, taunting me. “Or maybe this?”
And then he covered my clit with his lips and sucked strong, pulling and tugging, the heat of his mouth torture as I arched off the bed and groaned. “Ah,” I moaned breathlessly.
“So beautiful,” he whispered. “Are you ready, kid?”
My stomach quivered with anticipation, and I wasn’t even annoyed he called me “kid” again. For this one time, it sounded endearing.
I nodded, slipping my hand into his hair. I wasn’t sure what I was ready for other than just more. I just wanted more.
Coming up, he kissed me, working my mouth open and dipping his tongue inside. I groaned, my body taking over as I grabbed his hips and parted my legs, lifting up my knees and letting him in.
My nipples brushed his chest, and I pushed up, kissing him back with full force. His smell, his skin, his taste…in this moment, I was new.
Kneeling over me, he reached down between us and positioned himself at my opening. The tip pushed inside, and the tight burn immediately made me freeze up again.
“It hurts.” Every muscle tightened up, and I was afraid to move.
“Look at me,” he said.
I raised my shaky eyes, staring at the flat spot on his bottom lip.
“Bend your knees more,” he told me.
I did, my fingers curling into his hips.
“Now, relax your thighs,” he instructed. “Spread ’em wide and let them fall to the bed, okay? Open for me. Just open.”
I laid down my thighs, knees bent and spread for him.
He pushed a little more, and I sucked in a breath, but I didn’t try to stop him. He paused himself and leaned down, whispering over my lips. “You’re torturing me. I just want to sink into you so bad.”
“It’s not in yet?”
He shook with a laugh. “Not all the way. Does it still hurt?”
I was about to say yes. It was definitely uncomfortable, but…I guess it didn’t really hurt.
I shook my head.
Looking into my eyes, he slowly sank deeper, and I started to feel stretched and full and kind of strange.
“How about now?”
“I…I don’t…” I stammered, adjusting to him. “I don’t know.”
He thrust all the way in, bottoming out, and hit me so deep, my eyes rolled back. Oh, shit.
“Kai…”
“Banks, Jesus Christ.” He kissed me. “I love the way you feel.”
I gripped his hips as he nibbled my mouth and neck and ear, and before I knew it, nothing was uncomfortable anymore.
“Put one hand on my shoulder,” he said, leaning back up to look down at me. “I want you to feel me move.”
I did as he told, and slowly, he pulled out. I briefly registered something wet, but he rolled his hips, sinking back inside me.
“Oh, God.” I groaned.
It didn’t hurt at all anymore.
Holding onto him, I watched his body move as the room filled with the sounds of our pants and moans. He slid in and out, pumping faster as his eyes moved from my gaze to my lips to my body underneath him.
“What do I feel like?” he asked.
I pulled him into me as he thrust again, craving the fucking more and more.
“Like fingers in my hair,” I breathed out. “It’s smooth and hard—I want to take more. And the pressure…ugh, right there.”
I grunted, squeezing my eyes shut. I was coming.
I’d made myself come before, but it was different like this. Like it was a muscle locking up tighter and tighter and something swirling like a cyclone, getting higher, and I craved the release.
Pushing up, I grabbed his neck and kissed him hard and hungry. Sweat dampened his hair as I whispered in his ear, “Make me come, Kai.” I smiled. “Make me come, and I’ll let you watch me and what I do when I’m in the shower thinking about you. You like to watch, right?”
He growled, grabbing my wrists and locking them above my head with one hand. I laughed, surprised and nervous and so turned on.
“And here, I thought I was being nice, going easy on you.” He squeezed my ass in his other hand, pressing me into his cock.
I moaned. “Yeah.”
He pumped faster and rougher, going mad on top of me, until all I could do was hang on. Until all I felt like was a toy built for him to get off, and in the moment, I didn’t have one damn problem with that.
I loved that he saw me like this. Loved that he wanted this from me.
He thrust again and again, and my knees came higher, heat covered my body, and bursts of pleasure exploded low inside me, sweeping down my legs. I cried out, my body locking up as I held onto him, riding out the orgasm.
He grunted and pumped and finally thrust so deep, sinking into me and holding himself there as he threw his head back.
“God, baby. Fuck!”
He collapsed on top of me, our bodies and sweat melting together in heat and euphoria. Jesus.
I knew what I’d been missing all this time, but…I didn’t think I’d be unable to resist it.
I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to.
Slowly, my breathing calmed, but I didn’t pull away from him or the brush of his lips on my neck. Reality would seep in soon enough, and I’d enjoy the last few moments.
We just laid there. I loved his warmth and being close.
I loved feeling this.
“Why are you waxed?” he suddenly asked.
Waxed?
Oh. Down there, he meant.
His nose brushed my cheek as he leaned back, flushed, and his eyes tired as he looked at me.
“I’m not complaining,” he assured with a half-smile. “It was just unexpected. Especially for a…for a virgin who’s not expecting any action down there.”
I rolled my eyes, letting his playful jab roll off me for once.
But then my amusement fell away as I thought about how to answer him. As if it were any of his business anyway.
I’d been waxing myself for years. It was hard at first, but over the years, the pain of the task became easier to bare, and hey, I only had to do it every couple of months.
I tried shaving it when it first started to appear in my pre-teen years, but it grew back too fast and the hair came in too coarse. Not long after, I started doing my legs and underarms, too. Dressing as a boy, covering my hair, flattening my breasts…everything I could do to not be a woman.
“I wasn’t supposed to change,” I said quietly. “I wasn’t supposed to grow up.”
