Present
“Hello, hello?” a cheery voice pierced my sleep.
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, finally noticing the light shining through my lids. What the hell? I was deadweight.
I yawned, rolling over and stretching my arms into the air as I registered a door closing and the rustling of bags.
“Did I wake you?”
“Duh,” I grumbled, recognizing Alex’s voice.
Seriously, what was it with this chick? Every time I turned around she was breaching my safe space. I wish she didn’t like me so much.
I blinked my eyes open, yawning again. “What time is it?”
Not waiting for an answer, I turned left and right, searching the bedside tables in Kai’s room for a clock. I must’ve fallen asleep before he even got upstairs last night. He and Will had to talk, so I laid down, in his shirt, to wait.
“There’s no clocks in here,” I thought out loud, sitting up.
“Yeah.” She sauntered over and plopped down on the bed next to me, on the mussed side where Kai must’ve slept.
I frowned, kind of disappointed we slept in the same bed for the first time, and I was passed out.
“This house is another dimension where time doesn’t exist, apparently.” She did spirit fingers at me, oohing like a ghost.
Holding her phone up, she checked the screen. “It’s two-thirty.”
“In the afternoon?”
She nodded, fitting an arm under her head. “You must’ve been tired.”
“And Kai just left me here?” I threw off the covers.
“Of course not. He worked from home today” she explained, “so he’s been here the whole time, but now he’s busy with the caterers, and I just got here, so he asked me to wake you.”
I looked at her. “Caterers?”
“For the party?” she pointed out, jogging my memory. “The pajama party Will wanted to have for Devil’s Night?”
Oh, yeah. I vaguely heard about that. I didn’t realize Kai was hosting, though.
I stood up, smelling coffee and bread. I noticed a tray sitting near the door. “But Devil’s Night isn’t for a couple more days,” I told her.
“Yes, but they’re men now. No parties on work nights.”
She smiled sweetly, and I looked around for my clothes. Oh, right. I left them in the bathroom.
“I have so much to do.” I dived into the en suite, but my clothes weren’t on the counter where I folded and left them. They weren’t anywhere. Shit!
If Kai signed the contract, then maybe Damon got word and would be home anytime. I needed to talk to him. Had he told Kai the truth about Natalya?
“You have nothing to do,” she called, her voice getting closer, “nothing to worry about, and nothing to think about. Kai’s handling your boss, there’s no word about Damon’s return yet, and Kai has absolutely nothing for you to do today. So, eat.”
I walked back into the bedroom as she set the tray of food on the bed.
“I can’t eat,” I told her. “I can’t stay here. I…”
I trailed off, heading over to the chest of drawers. Yanking open a couple of them, I checked for some kind of clothes, finally locating a pair of lounge pants in the third drawer down.
“You can do anything you want,” she told me, her tone stern. “And I’d say we’re all due for some fun, don’t you?”
I half-smiled, unable to help myself. What is this thing you speak of? Fun? Never heard of it.
“If you leave,” Alex said, “Kai’s just going to follow you. And then all of us will follow him. And I think trouble knows where we are and has always known, and one night will make no difference.”
I paused. Yeah, Kai would follow me. I had no doubt that was true. If, by some miracle, I found Damon, I needed him alone.
“Now…” She smiled while walking over to the boutique bags sitting on the chair, a light in her eyes as if she’d won the argument. “Knowing your shyness, I took the liberty of picking out special PJs for you for the party tonight.”
Hours later—and a couple drinks coerced into me by Alex—I guessed I was ready to head down to the party, which was already in full swing. Kai had left the house after I ate the late lunch Alex had brought me, so I hadn’t seen him at all since last night.
I wondered if he was worried. Or in a bad mood over the fight with Michael last night. Or if he was angry with me. He might see it as my fault, feeling forced to sign that contract, and even though I knew it wasn’t, I also knew we kept digging ourselves in deeper. And that was definitely, in part, my fault.
If he knew Damon was my brother, he might understand why my feelings were so strong for him and not expect me to make choices he knew I couldn’t make.
I should tell him. One less secret, right? But there was no guarantee he’d give up the vendetta, and what’s more, he hadn’t used me as leverage yet, but he could. I didn’t want him knowing exactly what he had in his grasp.
But I definitely needed to talk to Kai. What was he going to do about the contract? What if Vanessa showed up here?
And why had he kept this house off the radar? Why the secret entrance?
Ugh. Maybe I should wear those “pajamas” Alex got for me, after all. Perhaps his one-track mind would kick in and he might be more forthcoming?
Yeah, no. There was no way I was wearing a black halter top with panties clearly visible underneath a long sheer skirt. She even tried to get me into heels, for crying out loud.
I ripped everything off and dug in Kai’s drawers until I found a pair of boxers. I slipped them on and donned a fresh, white-collared shirt of his from the closet. I let her put a little make-up on me—some eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick—but my hair stayed messy. I told her I was going for the cute bedhead look, but really, I just wasn’t ready to go full force. Not that I might not like dressing up and having my hair done, but one thing at a time. I needed to feel some semblance of familiarity. Too much was happening too fast.
But at least I was more covered than she was in her tiny, red silk boxers with lace trim and pinstriped corset. I might try on something like that but definitely in private.
“Come on.” She pulled my hand.
Stepping into the hallway, I was taken back by how dark it was. I looked both ways, noticing how the lights from earlier were now turned down and, instead, lit candles glowed atop holders on small tables lining the hallway. Music drifted up from below, and I could hear the doorbell ringing.
Laughter and faint chatter mixed with the clacks of heels and tinkling of glasses.
We headed down toward the staircase, but as soon as we reached the top step and I saw all the people, some I recognized as old classmates of Damon’s from Thunder Bay and others as Storm players from Michael’s team, I locked up.
“I don’t like…” I pulled my hand away from hers. “I’m not sure I belong here. I don’t like this. I feel…”
I didn’t know what to say. My body was covered, and I’d run around The Pope all those years ago in boxer shorts, too, but now…
Look at all those women. Dressed in lingerie. Sexy. Tan. Beautiful. I didn’t want to dress like that, but I also didn’t feel like I fit in like this, either. The only person I wanted to wear stuff like that for was Kai, and I couldn’t do this. This was his scene, not mine.
I took a step back. It would be more fun to stay up here and explore the rest of the house anyway. There were dozens of rooms, and an attic, I was sure. Not to mention, if there was one secret passageway in the study, there were bound to be more. Anything would be more fun than this.
But hands caught my hips from the back, and Kai’s whisper was suddenly in my ear.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
I folded my arms over my chest. “I don’t flaunt myself for the enjoyment of men.”
His chest shook with a laugh behind me. “Well, good. Happy to hear it, because I’m the only man whose attention you should be trying to get, and baby, you got it years ago while wearing another man’s clothes.” He kissed my temple, his hot breath sending chills down my spine. “So, you can imagine how fucking beautiful you are to me right now wearing mine.”
My heart fluttered, and all of a sudden I felt braver.
Without another word, he walked past me, down the stairs, to greet his guests. I stared at the muscles in his back, visible since he only wore pajama pants like a lot of the other guys, and felt myself heat up again.
But I no longer felt nervous. I started down the stairs with Alex.
The party wasn’t actually as busy as I thought. He could’ve easily packed over a hundred people on the bottom floor, but there seemed to only be about seventy to eighty of their gang’s close, personal friends. Basketball players, business associates, old high school friends…
And the place was set up like a slumber party, in keeping with Will’s theme of pajamas.
Tables filled the dining room, covered with an assortment of snacks, and Heavy In Your Arms played over a sound system around the house.
Servers circulated with more hors d’oeuvres, including wine glasses filled with milk, topped with a huge, chocolate chip, M&M cookie. I smiled, loving how it reminded me of being a kid. Not any of my memories of being a child, per se, but how a kid ought to grow up. Massive pillows were also flung in piles, while young women, some in sexy little nighties and some in men’s pajamas like me, laid down, snacked, and chatted.
There was even a beautiful tent in the corner of the living room made out of sheets and strung with white Christmas lights on the inside.
“This seems so unlike Kai.” I looked around, noticing how the atmosphere had made people kind of playful. Some guy, well over six feet, was diving into the tent after his squealing girlfriend.
“It’s not like him at all.” She downed a shot of Patrón and sucked on a lime wedge. “I planned this.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Will needed to have some fun with his friends. Kai thought it was a good idea, so he opened up the house. Finally.”
She handed me a shot, but I waved her off. I was still nervous, and I wanted to keep my head clear.
“If Kai had more skill,” a man said, “he would figure out how to have you without signing a contract.”
I whirled around, seeing Michael approach me. And he didn’t look like he was teasing.
But Kai followed, shaking his head.
“Shut up,” he grumbled.
Michael wore black pajama pants and no shirt, scanning me up and down. “You clean up nice,” he smiled, lowering his voice to a whisper. “Even better than the last time I saw you in pajamas.”
I stopped breathing, and he turned toward the party, both him and Kai watching everyone as I waited for the shoe to drop. The last time he saw me in pajamas was six years ago, and while Kai would assume he was talking about all of us at The Pope that night, Michael’s hushed whisper was insinuating how he’d sneaked into Damon’s bed and on top of me before that. How he discovered I was Damon’s sister.
So, Michael knew who I was. So, what? He also knew it didn’t change anything, and Michael didn’t interfere when it wasn’t necessary. Damon always liked that about him. While Will was nosy and Kai tried to reign Damon in, Michael rarely interfered with how Damon wanted to have a good time.
Kai was going to find out, but I hoped he wouldn’t just yet.
“You two were about to come to blows last night?” I pointed out, changing the subject. “What happened?”
Why was he suddenly attending a party at Kai’s house, acting like everything was fine?
Michael swallowed his beer, bringing his glass down. “Nothing. We fight, and we move on. We’re not girls.”
Idiot.
“What the hell is she wearing?” Kai asked, looking out toward the foyer.
I followed his gaze, seeing Rika enter and hand her coat to the attendant. She wore sleep shorts with avocados all over them and a matching shirt that read I Avo Crush On You.
Michael started laughing under his breath, shaking his head. “I can’t believe she still has those pajamas. My mom gave them to her when she was like fifteen, and I felt so bad for her. But she wore ’em anyway. That’s what she must’ve gone back home for today, I guess.”
He walked over to her, and she tried to hide her embarrassed smile as he scooped her up in his arms and laughed with her.
“So, we could wear just regular pajamas?” I eyed Alex who avoided my glare.
“Like I said, you can do whatever you want.”
Yeah.
I needed to get the hang of that.
Second door after the stairs.
The candles were burning down, so Kai asked me to grab a handful more from the closet in the hallway. I knew some of the doors led off to the basement or were used as coat closets, so I found the one instructed and turned the knob.
It went deep. Shelves lined the back as well as the sides, and I stepped in, my finger hooked into the loop of the candle holder as I reached up to yank the chain for the bulb.
The chain clicked, but the light didn’t go on. I looked around me, still able to see fairly well with the candle I’d carried in.
Okay. Candles, candles, candles…. Where are you?
Bending over, I set my holder down and scanned shelves, moving things out of the way, and kind of wondering why I was searching for candles when there were flashlights and batteries right here in front of me. But rich people liked having parties by candlelight, so…
I looked over, finally spotting the candles on the other side.
But suddenly, the door slammed shut, and the room darkened more, leaving only the light from my small candle. I shot up, twisting around.
“So, I hear you kicked Rika’s ass,” Michael said, blocking the door and moving toward me. He was tall and imposing, and there was no way around him.
My heart pounded harder, but I shook it off.
It was just Michael.
“I didn’t walk away unscathed,” I said, turning back around and grabbing some tapers out of the box.
“And I heard you made a comment about ‘taking it in both ends’.”
I laughed under my breath, facing him again. “And you’re here to fight for her honor?”
“Rika can fight her own battles.”
Clearly.
And clearly she has no choice but to do just that, because it would never occur to Michael to be jealous or possessive or angry. He would never be troubled with grand gestures, would he?
I shook my head. “God, do you have any pride?”
He pushed me back against the shelves, and I dropped the candles.
Leaning in, I could barely see anything but his broad chest in front of me as he hovered. I tried to control my breathing.
“How about this?” he asked, seething. “Rika is my earliest memory, and I’ve loved her forever. The sun rises with her. It always has. And everything we do, we do together. Everything.” He bared his teeth. “No one judges us, and we’ll roll right over anyone who tries. You got that? Look in the fucking mirror the next time you want to cast aspersions on her character. All you’ll see is your own self-hate and jealousy. What you don’t know about us is a lot.”
I stared right back at him, neither of us faltering, but my pulse was racing a mile a minute now. Would I have minded if Rika had Will in that steam room?
No. I might not have shared her open mind, but I wouldn’t have cared. He was right. It was jealousy.
And it was my problem. Not hers.
Light fell into the closet, and I looked over Michael’s shoulder to see Kai standing there. He must’ve come looking for me.
Michael turned around, but he didn’t move out from in front of me. I reached down and picked up the candles as Kai’s eyes narrowed on the scene. I’m sure it looked bad.
“What’s going on?” I heard a female voice and looked up to see Rika standing next to Kai and looking in.
Oh, awesome. The whole party’s here.
“I was just about to ask that myself,” Kai said, still staring at Michael.
And Michael finally moved aside. “Just setting her straight.”
Kai walked in, and Rika followed, closing the door.
“Are you okay?” he asked, approaching me.
“She’s fine,” Michael offered.
“I was asking her.”
Kai glared at his friend, but Rika stepped forward, placing herself between them.
“You didn’t need to say anything,” she told Michael. “If the situation were reversed, I’d feel just as weird about it.”
“I don’t feel weird,” I interjected. “How’s the nose, by the way?”
She shook her head, giving me a half-smile. Walking up, she said, “I’m not a threat to you, okay? I love Kai, but I’m not a threat to you.”
“I don’t care.” I moved around them. “Let me out.”
“I think you do care.” Michael stepped into my path, but he didn’t touch me. “Real bad, in fact. And I kind of understand. Wanna get even?”
I paused, looking up him, confused. “What?”
Even? As in…?
“What are you talking about?” Rika asked him.
He turned to her, casting a quick glance at Kai. “Kai got you. Why shouldn’t I have her once?”
“You’re out of your mind?” Kai pushed in, inching into Michael’s space. “I don’t share.”
“Since when?” His friend straightened, both walls rigid as they dared each other. “Why don’t you let her make the choice? See what she says.”
Kai looked completely out of sorts. Like he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or fight.
I stood there with my mouth hanging open just slightly and still trying to figure out if this was a joke.
Rika didn’t look at all confused, though. She stared at Michael, looking worried.
“You’re very beautiful,” Michael said, turning back to me, his eyes softening. “Rika had Kai. Do you want to have me? And then everyone’s even?”
I was dumbfounded. He wasn’t serious.
“Michael.” Rika stepped up. “I don’t like this game.”
“Am I playing?” he asked her.
And she tensed.
I met Kai’s eyes, and his gaze bore into me. He might be waiting for what I had to say on the matter, but if I chose wrong, he was going to step in.
He wasn’t sharing.
And I fought a smile, but I didn’t want him to.
I watched Rika stare at Michael and him look back, and then his eyes faltered, weakening at the sight of her.
He was playing with me. She was his, and he was hers, and they knew who and what they wanted.
But I still didn’t like Michael messing with me. I could play, too.
I pushed him back. “Screwing you puts me on an even keel with her?” I told him. “I don’t set my sights that low. I want to be on an even keel with Kai.”
His eyebrows dug in, not following me. I met Rika’s eyes.
And she broke out in a smile. “She is clever, isn’t she?”
“What’s going on?” Michael looked between Rika, Kai, and me. “What does that mean?”
Reaching out, Rika took my hand and gently pulled me over to her. “It means, if Kai got to have me, so does she.” And then she looked at Michael. “What? Fair’s fair, right?”
He frowned, turning to Kai who just stood there looking just as shocked.
My heart raced, and I wasn’t sure if I was bluffing when I said it, or I just hadn’t thought that far ahead yet when I ran at the mouth like I always did, but I knew one thing. I loved the feel of Kai’s eyes on my back right now. I loved him watching me, and I knew everything was for him.
She put her hands on my hips, and I opened my mouth to protest. “I don’t—”
“What does he do that you like?” she whispered, leaning in close.
“Um…teeth?” I stammered. “He bites my lips.”
She panted, her mouth hovering over mine. “Yeah, I like it when Michael does that, too.” And she did it, thrusting out and dragging my bottom lip between her teeth.
I whimpered, my breath shaking with my growing desire.
“Except Michael,” she breathed in my ear, “bites me down here.”
And she took my hand and made me touch myself. I smiled excitedly. “Shit.”
She kissed me, and I placed my hands on her hips, kissing her back. What the fuck was I doing?
She closed her eyes, biting my lips again, and flicking my top lip with her tongue, her hot, sweet breath warming me all over. I moaned, a nerve between my legs starting to throb.
“You should see them,” she whispered, nibbling my ear. “They’re about to lose their minds.”
I shook with a quiet laugh and tilted my head back, letting her lips devour my neck. I loved him watching me. Loved him seeing me feel pleasure.
Bringing my head down again, I let my hair fall in my eyes as I leaned in close to her, pressing our bodies together.
And I took charge. Pushing her back, we fell into the shelves, and I held her face as I kissed her again, surprised when she moaned and grinded on me.
“Touch me,” she panted against my lips.
“Oh, shit,” Michael gasped.
And I smiled, diving in for her mouth again and again as I slowly slipped my hands up her shirt. She took that as a cue and pulled the T over her head, leaving her topless. I bit my lip and met her eyes, holding them as my hands rose and cupped a breast in my hand.
She breathed out a groan.
“Banks,” I heard Kai breathe out, but I didn’t look at him.
Rika started unbuttoning my shirt, and every nerve under my skin craved to be touched. I couldn’t get it off fast enough. I could feel Kai’s tongue on my spine even though he wasn’t touching me. I felt his teeth and his hands on my breasts.
The shirt fell to the floor, and we came together, pressing our bodies together as my nipples brushed hers. I ate up her lips again, wanting to see Kai’s face so badly. But I didn’t know if I should turn around. I didn’t want to break the spell yet. What if he was angry?
We kissed and licked and panted and bit, and every inch of my skin cooled with sweat as she squeezed my right breast and ran her tongue up my throat. We grasped each other’s hips, grinding on each other. God, I was wet.
“Take off her boxers, Rika,” Kai suddenly said in a husky voice. Like he was out of breath.
Rika grinned, encouraged. She slipped her fingers inside my waistband and yanked it down. I smiled, stepping out it.
I did the same to her, pushing down her sleep shorts, nearly all of our clothes piled on the floor as we continued to buck and grind.
And I finally turned my head, while she nibbled my ear. Michael stood behind us, but Kai had moved to the corner by the door to get a better look. He watched, his body painfully tense, and his cock a hard, thick ridge jutting against his pants.
We both looked at the boys as we held each other close, cheek to cheek, as Rika left feathery little kisses on the corner of my lips.
“We want to get fucked,” she said to Michael.
I nodded, a smile dancing across my lips as I watched Kai’s dark eyes and slipped my hands down the back of her panties, taunting him.
He stalked over, threaded his fingers through my hair, and pulled my head back, kissing me so hard and rough he stole my breath.
Before I knew it, Rika was swept away, and I heard a tear of fabric before Michael’s raspy whisper, “God, little monster, I love you.”
Kai bent me over, my panties were yanked down, and I put my hands on the shelves in front of me as his cock crowned me. I had time to suck in a quick breath, and then he was thrusting, sheathing himself in me in one move.
I cried out, feeling him bottom out, the sweet pain touching me so deep. I looked over, briefly seeing Rika’s front pressed into the shelves as Michael held her knee out to the side, opening her for him as he thrust up and inside of her. His head was buried in her neck, and she reached around, holding the back of his neck as he went at her hard and fast.
Kai growled, fisting my hair and pulling my head back. “I think you enjoyed that too much,” he said in my ear. “Did you?”
I whimpered, barely able to think as I closed my eyes. “Well, I’m not going to try to break her nose anymore, if that’s what you mean.”
He let out a little laugh. “Good.”
And he pulled me up more, and I twisted my head, tasting his mouth as the room filled with moaning and panting. Then I pulled back, looking up into his eyes as he fucked me.
I wouldn’t stop him. I wouldn’t ever stop him. What was done was done, and I’d steal and covet all the moments we had left. I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of him for my memory.
He gripped my hips and breathed in my ear. “I like you, little one.”
I smiled, hating that stupid nickname as much as when he called me Kid.
“I like you, too.”
I love you.
Waking up the next morning, I looked and noticed Kai wasn’t in bed next to me again. What time did he get up? He went to bed with me, but did he even sleep? He always seemed to be doing something, moving or thinking or running around. I wiped my eyes awake and yawned, checking the clock. It was a little after eight. Later than I usually got up, but we’d only gotten to bed six hours ago, too.
Rising, I walked to his dresser and opened the drawers, finding another pair of boxer shorts. I slipped them on and then trailed to the closet, opening the door and going wide-eyed at being confronted with the massive space. I’d dove in here yesterday to grab a shirt for the party, but I didn’t have time to appreciate it.
I walked in. And kept walking. His smell flooded my head, and I almost felt dizzy.
The walk-in closet was exactly Kai, and I shook my head, feeling so stupid. I should’ve pushed harder. I knew exactly what kind of house he would have. Didn’t I tell him? Beautiful décor, expensive furniture, all of his starched shirts lined up on wooden hangers with just the right amount of equal-fucking-space between each piece of clothing, for crying out loud. A man who took pride in every single, minute aspect of his life.
I ran my hands down the line of white shirts, feeling the soft, cool fabric between my fingers. Good God, I was surprised he let me touch him with my germs. I laughed to myself. He was like Christian Grey meets Howard Hughes meets Patrick Bateman. If I find a chainsaw or an ax inside the house, I’m outta here.
I pushed all the hangers down to the end, smashing the shirts together and wrecking his perfect little world, while laughing to myself as I pulled a blue long-sleeve off a hanger. Slipping it on, I buttoned it up, locked my hands behind my back and left the closet, whistling.
I had to get back to my place to get a change of clothes at some point. I’d been in Kai’s clothes for two days now.
Leaving the bedroom, I walked down the hallway and descended the stairs, heading around the bannister, toward the dining room. The caterers had cleaned up all their set-up last night after most of the guests had left, but I caught sight of the sheet tent still sitting in the living room and pillows scattered about.
“He’s not at The Pope. We searched the twelfth floor,” I heard Kai say.
I slowed down, stopping right before the dining room.
“Are you sure he’s not on another floor?” Michael asked.
“Yes. He’s not fucking there.”
Damon.
I peeked in, seeing Kai and his friends, including Will, Michael, and Rika lounging around the table as they nibbled some breakfast. No one was really dressed yet, still wearing their sleepwear.
Rika held up a large yellow envelope, her other hand fanning over a pile of little boxes. Were those matches?
“We don’t know this is from him,” she told Kai.
“Who else would it be from?”
“Look at the postmark!” she burst out, sounding angry as she tossed the envelope at him across the table. “It’s from Mexico City. He’s not here.”
“Look at the matchbooks!” he growled back. “He could’ve had anyone mail this from anywhere he wanted. And he addressed it to you. This is a message. He’s not just threatening me anymore.”
He grabbed the envelope and flung it back at her.
Matchbooks. I studied the pile of small boxes and books on the table that had obviously come in the envelope, seeing a silver box that I recognized right away as being from Realm, a nightclub the guys frequented here in Meridian City. Were they all from this area? Was that why Kai was worried?
Michael ran his hands through his hair and down over his face.
“So, what are you going do?” she challenged Kai. “Lose your minds running around in circles while he laughs at us? Damon is playing games. He won’t do anything.”
“How do you know?”
“Because he had a dozen chances with me last year, and he stopped! Every time!” She rose from her seat, pushing it in. “He enjoys fucking with our heads. That’s all. Just leave it alone.”
“Why do you always say that?”
Rika hesitated, staring at him. “What?”
Kai lowered his voice to normal and approached, challenging her. “Every time we want to deal with him, you tell us to leave him alone,” he bit out. “He has shit on me. He tried to kill Will. What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you protecting him?”
Her mouth fell open, and my heart sped up. She looked affronted at the accusation.
Her eyes shot to Michael and then Will, who all stared at her the same as Kai. Protecting him? Why would they think that?
No one said anything, and then she blinked, scoffing as she grabbed her plate and walked away from all of them, toward me and the doorway.
I stepped out from behind the wall, out of her way, and she charged past me without a glance.
Kai noticed me, and his expression softened. “Are you hungry?” he asked. “There’s breakfast.”
I looked at the spread on the buffet table, nodding. “Yeah, in a minute.”
I turned and walked past the stairs, into the study, and saw Rika disappear with her plate out into the garden.
After last night, I didn’t think we were friends, but I was curious. If my brother sent her a package to scare her, why wasn’t she more concerned? It wasn’t only Kai picking up on her signals, either. The way Michael and Will had looked at her…
I followed her outside, thankful for the clouds blocking out the bright morning sun. She settled herself on the ground, leaning up against a tree. Resting her head back, she placed her plate of food at her side but didn’t eat.
I walked over to her.
“Hey,” I said as I crouched down and laid on the ground.
She nodded, still looking preoccupied.
“Damon sent you matchbooks?” I asked, not hesitating. “Why?”
She shrugged. “I collect them,” she answered. “My father used to bring some back from his travels, and I started hoarding them. Michael carried on the tradition, bringing me back ones he finds on trips out of town I don’t join him on.”
So, Damon knew she liked them. “And he sent you ones from Meridian City,” I figured. He wanted her to know he’d been here. Or that he was here now.
She was quiet for a while, and I wanted to ask more—ask why she wasn’t angry—but we weren’t friends, and I knew she didn’t trust me. After what happened last night, though, I hoped we could talk a little easier.
“You grew up with Damon?” she asked.
“For a while.”
She opened her mouth to speak but then stopped, hesitating.
“Did you ever… see anything?” she asked, picking at her thumbs in her lap. “Things that might’ve happened to him?”
What?
She knew?
“Did Damon tell you something?” I questioned.
“No, of course not.” She shook her head. “Michael’s brother, Trevor, did, though, once. I had no reason to trust him, but I can’t imagine why he’d make up a story like that. It made sense, given the way Damon is.”
She finally looked up, and I was afraid of what she’d say. Damon didn’t want anyone to know about anything that happened at home. I couldn’t talk about this.
“He said Damon’s mother…” she said, looking like she was struggling to get the words out, “that she started hurting him when he was twelve.” And then she closed her eyes, lowering her voice. “Raping him.”
So, she knew. Had she told Michael?
“God, it makes me sick just thinking about it.” She sucked in a breath, looking away.
But then she just shrugged, waving me off. “Never mind. It’s still no excuse. I just think if he wanted to act he would’ve a long time ago, and we should just leave well-enough alone. Maybe he’s suffered, and while I’ll never forgive him, let him try to find what peace he can. He’s sick, and no good comes from poking a sleeping bear.”
I agreed with her. It was still no excuse. Plenty of people had it rough and behaved just fine.
In theory.
But when you’re in the thick of abuse and still live with the torment in your head every day, it’s a little different. No one handles it. They just fake it better. How else do you cope with the terrible shit you’ve been through?
“He never cried,” I told her, my voice quiet. “I’ve never seen him cry.”
She remained quiet, and I turned my eyes up to the sky.
“When she’d come in, he’d make me hide,” I continued, my pulse echoing in my ears. “In the closet with his headphones on. And after it was done, he would let me out, and then he’d go take a shower. Sometimes he was in there for an hour. Sometimes three or four.”
Tears sprang up, and I closed my eyes.
The creaks of the bed would breach the music in my ears sometimes. I could still hear it.
“He’d stay in the shower for however long it took to get himself straight again,” I told her. “Sometimes the cuts were on his arms or his chest. Depending on the season and what his clothes would cover.” Silent tears streamed down my temples. “When he was fifteen, he started slicing the bottom of his feet, so he would feel it every time he walked. I didn’t understand how he could run on the basketball court with the pain. His socks were soaked in blood sometimes.” I looked over at her, the blue of her eyes shimmering like a pool. “And there were other things he’d do. Ways he’d make me hurt him…” I paused and then continued. “Until the night it was time to hurt her.”
Damon had beat his mother bloody one night, and we thought that was the last we’d ever see of her. That was the night he stopped hurting himself, because he learned how good it felt for him to hurt others. He didn’t need to suffer anymore.
“Damon eats pain,” I told her. “He will find some way to take it and twist it and fit it down his throat, so he can swallow it. He’s made of it. You all can endure it until you overcome it, but Damon…he wants to be in hell.”
It’s where he shines.
I turned my eyes back up to the sky, sliding an arm under my head. “But still…he never cried.”
