Ronan
When I couldn’t sleep, I came into the club, with no other intention than to see her. I’m still angry, and I’m not ready to forgive her, but I just needed to see her. I craved the sight of her so badly, I couldn’t stand another moment in that empty apartment.
When she wasn’t at the club, I asked Marianna if she had been sent home, and she informed me that she left with Geo.
A few texts with Geo—just to check on her and make sure she was safe—led me to learn that they were at the piano bar down the street and she was so sick she wouldn’t come out of the bathroom.
Which led me here, with her asleep on my lap in the back seat of my car as my driver takes us back to the apartment.
I had the entire day to regret sending her away. I’m mad at her, but I don’t want her sleeping in her van on the street again. Especially now that I see how she’s going to behave. Finding her nearly passed out on the bathroom floor of a dive bar is not at all what I expected tonight.
I should be flattered. Breaking up with me devastated her. Except, I don’t want to devastate her.
My emotions are all over the place. That innate desire to take care of Daisy is still there. That craving to be her…daddy. It still exists. That sort of thing doesn’t just go away. But I can’t keep saving her. I can’t keep licking her wounds. I can’t take care of Daisy if she won’t take care of herself.
When we get back to the apartment, I take her upstairs immediately to the bedroom—the guest bedroom. She stirs as I lay her in the bed, carefully removing her clothes down to her bra and panties, before going into the bathroom to run warm water over a washcloth. I take it back in to clean her up.
Wiping her face and hands with the cloth, my heart lurches in my chest with every delicate touch of her skin. She slowly wakes up as I run the warm cloth over her eyes, noticing just how swollen they are.
She blinks up at me. “Where am I?”
“My apartment.”
Her eyes scan the room before realizing what room she’s in.
“Where’s Geo?”
“He got home safely.”
Her eyes are on my face, looking more sober than I expect. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” she says, her voice cracking on a sob.
“Don’t apologize, Daisy. Just get some sleep.”
As I move to stand, she reaches for me, latching her grip on my arm. “Don’t leave me.”
I hesitate. Part of me wants to stay. I’m not strong enough to say no. But I need to. To protect my own heart, I need to set boundaries with her. At least until I figure out what I’m going to do.
“Sleep, Daisy. We’ll talk in the morning,” I reply. Then I watch as she turns over, crying into her pillow, and I leave her like that.
Even though it shreds my heart into pieces to do so.
I don’t sleep for shit all night. In the morning, I hear the shower running and the scent of her shampoo escaping the bathroom. Two nights ago, I was going to marry her. I wanted to.
I still want to.
Even though it’s wrong. So fucking wrong.
After thinking it through all night, replaying every moment of our relationship, I figured out what I need to do. I know now what Daisy truly needs from me, but I don’t know if I have the strength to give it to her.
When she finally comes out of the bathroom, she’s dressed in the clothes I left on the counter, a few things she left behind. She stops when she sees me standing in the kitchen, like I’m waiting for her.
Wordlessly, I open the bottle of ibuprofen on the counter and take two out. Then I take them to her with a glass of water. She stares at them with sadness in her eyes.
“Thank you,” she whispers, taking them from my hand.
“You’re welcome,” I reply.
When her eyes find my face, I know she’s searching my expression for something soft and loving, but I’m cold and frozen behind a wall to protect myself. If I bend, even a little, I will break entirely.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, breaking into a sob.
In a moment of weakness, I pull her into my arms and hold her against my chest. But that’s it. I’m not a monster, and it would take a monster to turn her away when she’s in this emotional state.
“We can go back to the way things were. This doesn’t have to change anything,” she cries into my chest.
With my hands rubbing the shivering surface of her back, I wish more than anything her words were true. When I don’t respond, she pulls away and stares up at me.
Here comes the hard part.
“We can’t.”
“What? Why? Because of my mom?” Her voice is high-pitched and riddled with pain and desperation.
“It’s more than that.”
“Then, what is it? Because I lied to you? Ronan, I was scared of losing you. I should have told you, and I’m sorry.”
“Did you ever really want me…or did you just need me?”
Her mouth hangs open in shock as her brow furrows. The pain is etched in her features.
“Ronan,” she sobs, tears streaking across her face, “I need you because I love you.”
“Daisy, as wonderful as this past month has been, I realized something yesterday. I realized that we would never work, not like that. As long as you needed me, then I would have loved you. But I don’t want you to need me anymore, Daisy. I want you to stay because you want to.”
“I do want to,” she cries.
“Listen to me, baby girl. We both have some growing to do. You need me in the same way I need to feel needed.”
“I don’t want to do it alone,” she sobs, and it breaks my heart to hear her say it because I know it’s true.
“As much as I want to take care of you, Daisy…I need you to be able to take care of yourself.” My voice cracks as emotion builds in my chest.
“Please…”
My bottom lip quivers as I hold her away from me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve lost loved ones countless times, but I’ve never had to push one away, and it hurts so much worse.
She fights, her face turning to anguish, and I can see her wishing this moment wasn’t real. That it had any other outcome than this one, and honestly, so do I.
When she turns away, holding her hand over her face as she squeezes out another round of tears, I feel the moisture pooling in my own eyes.
“So it’s not even about my lies or my mother. It’s because you don’t want to take care of me anymore. It’s because I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess, Daisy. You just need to figure some things out first. You never properly dealt with the loss of your mom. You were thrust into adulthood alone, and I’m afraid you clung to me and I let you. Yesterday was a wake-up call for me. I want to take care of you more than anything, baby girl. But if I do, you’ll never have a chance to truly heal on your own.”
She practically falls to the floor, crouching down to her knees as she sobs, and I’m racked with guilt. It’s obvious to me now that Daisy never let herself feel the grief from losing her mother, and keeping that secret was just another way to keep her memory alive. Which means she has a long road ahead, and it’s one I can’t help her with.
If I thought for a moment that Daisy would sink, I wouldn’t do this to her, but I know how strong she is. I know what she’s capable of, and I know she needs me out of the way until she can do it on her own.
Before long, she rises up from the floor. And when she turns back toward me to give me one last look, I blink away my own tears.
“Goodbye, Ronan,” she whispers, and I swear I don’t breathe again until she’s gone.
As long as she’s not in my arms, I don’t want to breathe at all.
