“You are definitely pregnant.”
The doctor’s voice disappears into the background, and I no longer notice the smell of alcohol and antiseptic that made my stomach turn when I walked in here earlier. My mind is utterly consumed by the image on the screen. I try to move, leaning my head to the side to look closer, focusing and taking in every detail. The doctor is pointing and explaining what I’m looking at, but all I can see is this black and white foggy image. Somewhere in the middle is a black bubble with a tiny shape inside, a little pulsating blip. The baby’s heartbeat.
It’s a life. A tiny little life whose heart is beating inside me.
“Would you look at that.” The doctor inches closer to the monitor, and I watch him as he pushes his glasses farther up his nose.
“What is it?” I glance back at the screen as he circles an area with his finger.
“It looks like you’ll be having twins.”
“What?”
“That definitely looks like a second amniotic sac. Do you have twins in your family?”
“Um…my husband. He has a twin brother.”
“Let’s see if we can hear that second heartbeat.” He gently moves the ultrasound probe inside me, focusing intently on the screen. The discomfort I felt two minutes ago when he slid the probe into me is long gone, replaced with a fusion of nerves, anxiety, and a dash of ‘what-the-fuck-is-happening.”
Suddenly the heartbeat we hear through the speaker sounds different. More erratic.
“There it is.” The doctor smiles.
“There’s what?”
“The second heartbeat.”
I swallow hard. “A second one?”
“Yes. A second one.” He smiles at me, then eases the probe from between my legs and discreetly drapes the white sheet over my knees. “Congratulations, Mrs.,” he glances at the name on the top of my file, “Dinali.” That was Mira’s idea, using my maiden surname to avoid the raised eyebrows when you mention the Del Rossa name.
“I’ll need to see you again when you’re at twelve or thirteen weeks. I’ll arrange with my receptionist to schedule a date for you.”
I prop myself up on my elbows. “Twins?”
The doctor chuckles. “It’s a shock, I know. But yes. It looks like you’ll be having twins.” The latex gloves snap as he pulls them off, discarding them in the metal bin, and I’m still choking on a breath when he leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
I lie back down and stare up at the ceiling. “Twins,” I whisper, saying the words like I have no concept of what it means.
There’s a light knock on the door. “Can I come in?”
“Um, yeah, Mira. Come on in.” I sit up and dangle my legs down the side of the bed when she walks in, her eyes beaming with curious excitement.
“I saw the doctor leave. How did it go? Are you pregnant?”
I’m still stunned, brushing my hair out of my face, leaning my head to the side as I stare down at my feet. My mind is struggling to digest what the doctor just said, and Mira is staring like she’s two seconds away from choking the words out of me.
“Leandra, what did the doctor say?”
“I…um…” I look at her but then glance to the side. “I’m…I’m pregnant.” My gaze meets hers. “With twins.”
Mira’s eyes widen in shock, and her palm is on her chest as she sucks in a breath. “Twins?”
I nod.
“Twins?” she reiterates, taking a step closer.
“That’s what the doctor said. Twins.” The words are coming out of my mouth, but I’m not sure what the hell it is I’m saying. It’s as if my mind isn’t able to digest it, to make sense of it. Twenty minutes ago, when I walked in here, I was still struggling with the idea of being pregnant, of having a child. Now I’m facing the reality that I’m not just pregnant with one, but two lives are growing inside me. Two.
“Two,” I repeat my own thoughts. “I’m having two babies.”
“Oh, my God.” Mira gasps. “There’s two?”
My stomach turns, and a wave of nausea crashes in my chest, forcing bile up my throat. I’m off the bed and barely make it to grab the trash can, my back arching as I vomit into it. Mira rushes to my side and grabs my hair, holding it out of my face while I retch and gag. The taste is horrid, the thick stench clinging to my nostrils. It keeps on coming until my stomach is empty, the queasiness torturing me with more dry-heaving.
“Here.” Mira hands me a box of tissues, and I grab a handful, wiping my mouth. “You okay?”
“No,” I croak out. “I’m not okay.” And then this veil of emotion drops over me, tears just pouring out of me. “I’m not ready to be a mother. I can’t…I can’t be a mom. Not now. How could I be so stupid? How could I let this happen?”
“Leandra, calm down.”
“No.” I cry, sitting down on the floor, clutching the sheet, and grabbing more tissues while it feels like my entire life is three seconds away from imploding. I’m sobbing so hard I can’t catch my breath. “I can’t do this, Mira. It’s not in me. I…I have no idea what a good mother is supposed to be like. My mom was a drug addict, a selfish, narcissistic bitch who was incapable of loving her own daughter.”
“Lee—”
“And my father.” I gasp for breath between tears. “He’s a monster who wanted to groom his own daughter to become a whore so he could get more money to buy drugs. Don’t you see?” I look up through tear-filled eyes at Mira’s pained expression. “My mom and dad were both fucked up parents and human beings. It’s in my blood.”
“What?” Mira wipes a tear slipping down her cheek. “What’s in your blood?”
“To be a fucked-up parent. To be a horrible mom.”
“Dear God, no. No, Leandra.” Mira grabs my shoulders and pulls me close, trying to console me while I sob into her lilac blouse. “Just because you had shitty parents doesn’t mean you’ll be a shitty mom. Listen to me.” She leans back and wipes hair out of my face. “After everything you went through as a child, all the pain and neglect you suffered, that will only make you stronger. More determined to be the best mother you can be.”
“What if I can’t do it?” Tears lap past my lips, the saltiness of my fear spreading on my tongue. “What if I’m too damaged to raise a child?”
“You, Leandra Del Rossa, are not damaged. Do not give them that much power over you. Do not let your past and your fucked-up parents destroy what can be the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to you. Do you understand me? They took enough from you and do not get to take this from you, too.”
“I’m scared, Mira.” My voice cracks, and my hand snakes as I wipe tears from my face. “I’m so scared.”
“I know. I’d be worried if you weren’t. This is huge. This is a big deal and a lot to take in. But you’re not alone. You won’t ever be alone in this. You have Alexius who adores you, who will do anything for you and your children.” She shrugs with a half-smile. “And you have me. When you need me, I’ll be there. And I will be the best aunt these babies could ever ask for.”
I smile through the tears.
“Oh, my God. Can you imagine the size of these kids’ wardrobes with an aunt like me?”
A snicker fills the tremor of my whimpers.
Mira gently tucks a curl behind my ear. “You and Alexius are going to hate me because I’m going to spoil these kids rotten during the day so their naughty little asses can keep the two of you up at night and make you miserable. And just so you know, I’m not cleaning poop diapers. Wiping drool is where I draw the line.”
I laugh, and she joins in, only for me to start crying again mid-laugh. “Twins. That means double poop.”
“Ah, sweaty,” she chuckles as she pulls me in for another hug, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “Now, that’s something I’d definitely cry about.”
“Mira!”
Her hearty laughter rings in my ears, weaving a sense of calm through the whirlpool of emotions I’m struggling to keep under control. Mira has become one of the most important people in my life, and I have no idea what I would have done without her.
Leaning back, I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “Thank you,” I whimper.
“Of course. You’re the sister I never had. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Alexius, too. He can be an ass at the best of times, but he’s my brother. All of them are. Now, come on.” She stands and helps me to my feet. “You need to get dressed, and I need to go get you some gum or something for your vomit breath.”
“That would be great.”
Mira waves in front of her face, grimacing. “Yeah, I’ll get the extra minty flavor. I’ll wait for you in the foyer by the kiosk.”
I nod and watch her walk out, sucking in a breath when I hear the latch of the door click in place. After getting dressed, I glance at my reflection in the small, square mirror placed against the back of the door. My eyes are red and puffy, and my cheeks flushed. I look like shit and not at all like the radiant, expecting mothers who, while we waited, left the doctor’s office beaming with excitement, rubbing their growing bellies with eager palms.
My hand shakes as I place it on my stomach. It’s hard to wrap my head around it, to think that there’s life growing inside me, life Alexius and I created. I’ll have to tell him, and the thought alone terrifies me. I have no idea what to expect once I tell him, how he’ll react. Will he blame me? Will he see this pregnancy as an inconvenience rather than a blessing? God, I don’t know. And I have no idea how or when I’ll have the courage to tell him.
I pull on my jacket and flick my hair from under the collar, squaring my shoulders before walking out. I’m trying not to look at all the expectant mothers as I wait at reception to schedule my next appointment. Looking at the joy on their faces only makes me feel guilty for not experiencing the same excitement.
Maybe Alexius will come with me next time I’m here.
I’m pacing up and down in the foyer of the medical center, waiting for Mira. I’ve already been to the kiosk searching for her, but the cashier confirmed that a woman matching Mira’s description was already there earlier. The Audi is still parked outside, so I guess she must have gone to the ladies’ room while waiting for me, touching up her make-up and giving her lips a fresh layer of red.
It’s twenty minutes later and I’ve checked the ladies’ room, tried her phone six times, only to get her voicemail. I also noticed the missed calls from Alexius, but I just can’t bring myself to call him back, knowing I’ll have to tell him the truth sooner or later. Right now, I’m choosing later.
Unease starts to creep along the back of my neck. The patter of feet on the smooth floors and the muffled conversations of people eating lunch at the kiosk’s coffee shop all work together to drive this unsettled feeling down my spine. Mira wouldn’t wander off somewhere without at least sending me a text, so I walk back to the Audi and try her phone again while keeping an eye out. “Mira, where the hell are you? I’m worried,” I say into the receiver when I get her voicemail again. There is no sign of her anywhere, and I’m about to call Alexius when Maximo’s Hummer and Nicoli’s LaFerrari screech to a stop behind the Audi.
Alexius is out of the car before Nicoli can cut the engine, his eyes alert and face painted with worry. “Jesus. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I glance from his wild eyes to Maximo’s worried expression. “What’s going on?”
Worry lines form grooves on his forehead, and storm clouds gather in the depths of his irises. The overcast sky traces his outline, and I don’t think I’ve seen Alexius look so anxious before.
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yes. Really, I’m fine. I just can’t find Mira.” I scan the area around us, and Alexius grabs my wrist.
“What do you mean, you can’t find Mira?”
“I just…I can’t find her. She was supposed to wait for me in the foyer, but she’s not there.”
“She’s gone?” Nicoli slams the door of his car. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know. I tried calling her, but I’m only getting her voicemail.”
“Leandra,” he storms toward me, “where the fuck is Mira?” His voice booms through the parking lot, his anger seemingly aimed at me and sending chills up my arms. “Where is she?”
“Hey, lay off.” Alexius shoves Nicoli back. “She said she doesn’t know.”
“Fuck!” Nicoli kicks at the Audi’s tires, steaming, his breaths coming out in short pants between curses. I’ve never seen him this enraged, this unhinged before, and it’s stirring up a panic that’s slowly starting to squeeze my lungs, robbing me of air.
Maximo is on his phone, pacing and cursing for Mira to pick up, and the more I look at the three of them, the more I can feel that something is very, very wrong.
“Alexius.” I inch closer to him, still keeping my eyes on Maximo. “You’re all scaring me. What’s going on?”
“Voicemail. Fuck!” Maximo curses, and Nicoli drops an entire alphabet of f-bombs as he plucks out his phone and tries calling her as if he might have better luck. But he doesn’t, and his cell phone pays the price by getting catapulted to the sidewalk, scattering in a thousand pieces against the curb. “Where the fuck is she?”
“It’s not Leandra.” Alexius crouches, and I watch him pick up a stick of gum from the ground, straightening. “It’s Mira,” he mutters—Nicoli and Maximo turning their attention to him as he glances at them. “He has Mirabella.”
