SEEING Ryan hadn’t been cathartic at all. Krista had reassured me, that after enough time had passed, I’d reach a point that I’d be able to see him and my heart wouldn’t hurt. That time hadn’t come yet.
It was almost laughable. When he had shown up in my apartment, the night Terrance attacked me, all I could focus on was how big he was, how good he smelled, how blue his eyes were.
When he stayed to help me clean up, I realized that my feelings for him hadn’t diminished. Seeing him had confused me more than ever. He didn’t want me, and yet my heart longed for him more than life itself.
“Are you thinking about Terrance?” Krista asked with concern in her voice.
“Why do you ask that?”
“Because I’ve been talking for about five minutes and you’ve been staring into space.”
“Sorry. No, I’m not worried about Terrance.”
Terrance was dead to me. You’d think his attack would have given me nightmares, but instead, he became a ghost I had eradicated from my life. I couldn’t even remember our fight. One minute he was standing in my bedroom, the next minute, I was calling 911. It was done. I no longer gave it any thought.
“What did the police say?”
“He had four outstanding warrants for his arrest including armed robbery. They didn’t even charge me for stabbing him. They said I used acceptable defensive force against him.”
“Do you have to testify against him?”
“They don’t think so, but if they do, it won’t be for a year or so.”
“Are you okay?”
I looked up at her concerned face. “I think I still love Ryan.”
There. I said it. The “L” word. I hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself, much less anyone else, but it was what it was. The guy still owned my heart.
Her face broke into a smile. “That’s good.”
“How is that good?”
She shrugged. “Maybe he feels the same way.”
“He kicked me out. He didn’t want me.”
“Have you ever talked to him about it?”
I hadn’t. Not once. It had been too painful, too crushingly sad. “No.”
“Maybe you guys need to find your new normal.”
“Whatever that means.”
THE NEXT DAY AT WORK, Wanda appeared in the doorway of the file room. In her arms was the most beautiful bouquet.
“What is this?”
“Delivery guy brought them.” She set them on the desk beside me. “There’s a card.”
I forgot how beautiful you were. Ryan
I blushed when I read the card. I set the flowers on the corner of my desk, close enough so I could smell their fresh scent.
Me: Thank you for the flowers.
Ryan: Can I call you?
Me: I’m at work
Ryan: Have dinner with me
Me: I thought you had a game tonight?
Ryan: My next day off
Me: Thank you for the flowers
Ryan: You’re welcome
THE WOLVES WON their first series in the playoffs. Krista and I watched all the away games together at my place.
“Mica wants me to come to his next home game,” I stood up and poured Krista another glass of wine.
She mashed Ikea into her face and gave her baby kisses. “Oh yeah? Are you going to go?”
“I thought maybe we could sit together.”
“I think we could arrange that.”
MICA GOT us the same seats Ryan used to get us. It was a weird nostalgic feeling to be back in the stadium. Knowing I was there because of Mica, not Ryan, made me feel sad.
The players came out on the ice and circled for their warmup. I was talking to Dave, the guy beside me, when I heard the sharp rap of a stick on the glass.
Ryan stood on the other side. He didn’t speak or smile. He stood there staring at me, with the most intense expression on his face.
I stared back.
And then he skated off.
“Is that your boyfriend?” Dave asked.
“No.”
“Could have fooled me.”
Ryan stayed focused on the game when it was in play, but between plays, his eyes always found mine. I didn’t understand what was going on, but each time he looked at me, my stomach clenched hard.
“I’m feeling left out here,” Krista joked.
“You too?” Dave asked with a grin.
THE NEXT DAY, Ryan sent a basket of pears and chocolate to the office. I left the basket on Wanda’s desk to share with Wanda and Frank.
“What is this?” Frank picked up a wrapped bar of Ghirardelli chocolate and then dropped it back into the basket.
“Zoey has an admirer,” Wanda grinned. “He sent her flowers.”
Frank picked up a pear. “So Ryan’s finally getting his act together. Took him long enough.”
“He’s not romancing me,” I informed them. “He’s just…”
“What?” Frank looked at me with interest.
“He’s just being a friend.”
He looked at Wanda. “You think this is a friendly gesture?”
Wanda laughed. “Can’t say I remember the last time one of my friends sent me a fruit basket.”
“You guys don’t understand,” I protested.
“He needs to up his game,” Frank bit into his pear.
“He will,” Wanda looked confident. “I think he’s just getting started.”
THE NEXT DAY, someone delivered a bicycle to my apartment. Not just any bike. No, this bike was a cotton candy pink, Schwinn cruiser with a wicker basket and a fancy seat. The card read: No one rocks pink out like you
Me: You’re crazy
Ryan: Crazy about you
Me: What do you want from me?
Ryan: One date
Me: That’s it?
Ryan: That’s all it’ll take
Me: I’ll think about it
I went for a long bike ride along the seawall. The ride was pure joy. So I snapped a selfie and sent it to him.
Me: I love my bike. Thank you.
Ryan: You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen
I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I didn’t, but I wore a smile the entire ride home.
THE DAY AFTER THAT, Ryan sent me gorgeous diamond stud earrings from Tiffany’s. The note read: Just one date
Wanda watched me put them in my ears.
“Girl, if you don’t go on a date with him, I will.”
I smiled. “Maybe.”
I felt so distracted that afternoon that I cut out after lunch. Ryan said he wanted to go on a date with me. But he had gotten bored with me once already and had kicked me to the curb. I didn’t understand how things would be different. So I fretted.
Finally, I pulled out my phone.
Me: Thank you for the earrings
Then I sent a selfie of my ear
Ryan: Did I mention how cute your ears are?
Me: Once
Ryan: Dinner?
I wanted so bad to see him, but I was afraid. Afraid that I would lose my heart again. It felt like I was just getting back on my feet after losing him. I wasn’t sure I could handle losing Ryan again.
Ryan: I’m sensing hesitation
Me: I’m scared
Ryan: I am too
Me: What are you scared of?
Ryan: I’ll tell you if you let me buy you dinner
He was impossible to resist.
Me: Okay
Ryan: Saturday we have a rest day between games. Does that work for you?
Me: Yes
Ryan: I’ll pick you up at 7
Me: Where are we going?
Ryan: Dress up
I HAD a lot of panic over what “dress up” meant, but Krista came to the rescue and helped me buy a dress she promised would “knock him off his feet.”
“Krista, I don’t want him knocked off his feet.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know.”
She came to stand in front of me. “This whole thing between you and Ryan has been hard to watch, but I get the sense he’s serious about this.”
I bit my lip and dropped my eyes. “Yeah. I know.”
“If you’re not into him, let him down easy but do it quickly.”
“Me? Let him down? This isn’t up to me.”
“Sweetheart, who’s chasing who?”
“He’s chasing me.”
“You have all the power. All of it. And if you don’t want to date him, please don’t lead him on.”
I stared at my serious reflection in the mirror. It never dawned on me I had the power.
IT FELT like a thousand butterflies were dancing in my stomach. I artfully styled my hair and used a heavy hand with my makeup. My black and silver cocktail dress fit my body, dipping lower in the front to hint at my cleavage. Cleavage I got from my new lacy black push-up bra. I finished the look with a pair of delicate silver stiletto sandals.
Ikea sat on the back of the couch, looking at me.
“It will be fine,” I told her. “It’s just dinner.”
My door buzzed, and I stood listening to the sounds of him coming up the stairs.
When I opened the door, he took my breath away.
He wore a black suit and his longish hair tickled his collar. He had a cut over one eye, the remnants of a black eye and another cut on his lip. Despite his wounds, he was still the most handsome man I think I’d ever seen.
“You look fucking stunning,” he breathed.
I felt my cheeks go hot. “Thank you.”
“These are for you.”
He handed me a massive bouquet of pink roses. “Ryan.”
“I would have bought out the entire flower store for you, but I thought you’d be pissed.”
I laughed. “Come on. Let me put these in water.”
I didn’t have a vase, so I needed to empty my Brita water container and stick them in there.
“They smell gorgeous,” I stuck my head in the bouquet.
He stood there, his hand in one pocket and a smile on his face. “Ready to go?”
It should have felt awkward, especially when he opened the car door for me and helped me in, but it didn’t. It felt like somehow I could breathe again.
“Where are we going?”
He glanced over at me. “It’s a surprise.”
“Is it Eki?” I secretly hoped it was Eki. That was a date restaurant.
“Better.”
“What could be better than Eki?”
He smiled. “You’ll see.”
La Tortue was better than Eki. It was a French restaurant that looked so fancy, when we sat down at the table, I was almost afraid to touch anything. Even the waiter was intimidating with his French accent and serious ways.
I almost had a heart attack when I looked at the menu.
“Ryan, my menu doesn’t have any prices.”
He winked at me. “That means you should order what you like.”
So I ended up ordering the lobster and Ryan ordered the Ribeye steak.
“This is the best meal I’ve ever eaten,” I moaned.
He smiled, holding my gaze.
“What?”
“Just you.”
I paused and looked at him. “You said you’d tell me why you’re scared.”
He cleared his throat. “I fucked up, Zoey. So bad. Will you let me explain?”
“I was too inexperienced when we fooled around,” I blurted out my worst fear.
“No.” His eyes widened. “Not even close. If you knew how many times I’ve relived that night, you’d blush.”
I blushed anyway. “You said we weren’t even.”
He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “When you were living with me, I wanted to start a romantic relationship with you more than I ever have in my entire life.”
Disbelief washed over me. “I wanted that too. You’re the one that wanted me to move out.”
“I didn’t want your choice to be dating me or living on the street.”
I blinked. “What?”
“It wasn’t a fair choice to you. I wanted you to choose me, not because you had to, but because you wanted to.”
“That’s why you kicked me out?”
He looked frustrated. “I handled that so poorly. I thought we’d have time to talk about it and you’d let me explain.”
“What would you have said?”
He cleared his throat again. “I’d have told you that I wanted you to stand on your own two feet, before you chose me. So you truly had a choice.”
His words sent me reeling. “That’s why you thought we weren’t even?”
“I had too much power. I controlled all the money. And if we moved that to a romantic relationship, you’d always feel like your survival and life depended on the health of our relationship. I never want you to feel like that. I wanted for you to feel like you could stand on your own, so you could choose me on your own terms.”
Tears blurred my eyes. “I wouldn’t have understood that. I do now, but at the time I wouldn’t have understood what that meant.”
He squeezed my hand. “I’m scared that now you don’t need me, you won’t want to be with me.”
“Ryan,” I breathed.
“The last eight months have been the worst months of my life. I can’t even tell you how much I missed you, or how proud I am of you.”
“I thought I bored you.”
His laugh was short and filled with disbelief. “Are you kidding me?”
“So now what happens?”
He swallowed hard and then spoke slowly. “Well, now we order dessert. And maybe, if I impress you enough with my charm, you might go on another date with me.”
“Because I have the power.” I finally understood what Krista meant.
“You have all the power.”
“What kind of dessert?”
His smile was so beautiful, it almost cracked my heart. “They have these chocolate hazelnut crepes with orange ice cream that literally changed my life.”
“Really?”
“No, you changed my life. For the better.”
I blushed again. “You’re the one who changed my life.”
“Are you still scared?”
“A little but I feel better.”
“You think I might get another date?”
Oh, hell yeah. I pretended to think about my answer. “Depends on the dessert.”
He laughed. “If it depends on the dessert, I’m definitely getting a second date.”
When he walked me to my door, I stood and looked up at him. Now what? Should I invite him in? Did he want to have sex? I wanted to have sex, but this situation scared me.
He bent down, cupping my face with his hands.
His kiss was better than I remembered. It was a swirl, a caress. He skimmed and grazed my lips, making me want more. I wrapped my arms around his neck and in response, he deepened the kiss. I moaned as his mouth possessed mine. When he stepped back, my entire body trembled.
“Can I call you?” His voice was husky, and his eyes were on my mouth.
“Yes.”
“Thank fuck,” he breathed. “Okay. See you soon.”
“Goodnight.”
I leaned against the doorframe and watched as he disappeared down the steps.
