I was taught young to be stone-cold, self-reliant to hold myself high and poised.
Sin has stained my bones while fires have scorched them, betrayal has broken them, loneliness has left them cold, and they’ve been soaked with blood.
I wonder if I told Irena about the darkness within me, would she still see me as her dark shining knight in armour or would she identify me as the villain in my own story?
In the darkness, I can sense her presence behind me. Her breath teases my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I’m bound, vulnerable. Beads of sweat gather on my forehead, my nakedness making me feel exposed.
In a flash, a sting first grazes my back, then erupts into a sharp jolt of pain.
I can’t help but wince as my body recoils.
‘You’ve been a naughty little boy Saint,’ she purrs into my ear. Another strike to my back, each one as intense as the last.
‘You know what happens when saints become sinners?’ she taunts, a gleam flickering in her hazel irises. I feel my throat tighten in fear.
‘They get punished,’ I whisper, my voice barely audible. Her lips curl into a dangerous grin, revealing a set of pristine teeth. ‘Badly,’ she hisses, bringing her whip down on my trembling body once more. The sting in my flesh is overwhelming, and tears begin to blur my vision.
Irena’s melodious voice broke through the silence and pulled me back to reality. I shook off the haunting memories of my childhood and met her curious gaze with a blink.
‘Good morning Doe,’ I murmured, planting a kiss on her smooth cheek, before enticing her to snuggle closer. Her chuckles perforated the stillness of the night. ‘It’s the dead of night, Saint,’ she retorted.
I glanced at the nightstand clock, which showed 4:23 AM, and scoffed. The morning had greeted us; the sun just had not risen yet. ‘It may be dark, but it is morning,’ I replied, watching as her eyes rolled an exaggerated loop.
Her groan interrupted our silence as she shifted uncomfortably. ‘Did you sleep well?’ I inquired, turning to face her. She sighed and replied, ‘Well enough to squeeze in 3 hours and nurse the excruciating pain between my legs.’ My brow furrowed at her discomfort. ‘Want me to kiss the pain away?’
I offered, flashing her a lopsided grin.
Irena’s cheeks flush and she shakes her head. ‘No.’
Brushing my thumb over her lip I met her gaze once more.
There’s something about Irena that I just can’t resist. Maybe it’s the way she exudes danger like she’s always on the brink of doing something reckless. Or perhaps it’s her angelic innocence, a stark contrast to the dark energy pulsing through her veins. But whatever it is, I know one thing for sure: I want her.
No, I need her, desperately.
I don’t want anyone to have her. To have her heart, kiss her lips, or be in her arms because that’s only my place. When she’s near me, I feel like all my frayed edges start to smooth out. If peace were a person, it would be Irena.
‘I’m ready,’ I blurt out and her sunny smile fades as she cocks her head inquisitively. ‘Ready for what?’ she asks, her voice like honey in my ears. ‘To tell you about my past,’ I reply, and Irena shifts next to me, propping herself up on one elbow.
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, steeling myself for the words to come. ‘I was raised to be a fighter,’ I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
‘To be the one with bloody knuckles and shards of glass. They wanted people to be afraid of me, and for a long time, I wanted that too.’ I absentmindedly pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to dispel the memories flooding my mind with every word. But Irena’s hand on my arm, firm and gentle at the same time, reminds me that I’m not alone anymore. And somehow, that makes it all a little bit easier.
As I struggled to catch my breath, a metallic taste filled my mouth, and I knew I was bleeding internally.
Suddenly, Gabriel’s voice boomed through the air, jolting me out of my daze. ‘Get up, Saint!’ he shouted, and I flinched at the force of his words.
I was just a twelve-year-old child, lying on the ground after enduring a brutal beating from my father. The silence in the gym was palpable, broken only by the whispers of those around me.
I strained to push myself up, my arms quivering with the effort. The pain was excruciating, but I refused to show weakness. Gabriel’s menacing gaze bore down on me, his eyes dark with anger.
‘You disappoint me, after all I’ve taught you,’ he growled, stalking toward me. I could feel my heartbeat racing as he advanced, ready to strike again at any moment. With a blood-stained forearm, I wiped away the blood that trickled from my nose.
As I looked up, Gabriel’s eyes glared down at me with an intense, pure fury.
A sharp sting of pain jolted through my body as his hand made contact with my face, sending me stumbling to the ground. The bitter tang of iron coated my tongue and blood spilled out as I coughed in agony. With a groan, I felt a loose tooth at the back of my mouth, flicking it with my tongue until it loosened and spat it out.
As I raised myself, Gabriel’s messy dark hair framed his face as he flexed each muscle, his bulky body radiating power. He rolled his neck, tension popping with a satisfying relief before announcing, ‘Get the hell out of my face. We start again tomorrow.’ Gabriel announced and I quickly ran out of the ring as all eyes were on me when I sprinted out of the gym.
Dashing back upstairs I bump into Abel.
‘Are you okay?’ His innocent, childish tone floated towards me like a feather on the wind. I turned away, mumbling incoherently. ‘I’m fine, the training today was a bit rough.’
‘I need to clean up, so go play now,’ I say as I walk away. Climbing the stairs, I feel the maids’ pity and notice my mother’s room, where I hear laughter and voices. Suddenly freezing in place, I shudder at the sound of a familiar voice. Despite my desire to run away, my mother, Angeline, sees me standing by the door and beckons me in with her slow, unsteady voice,
‘Saint, come here and let me see you!’
With a deep breath, I make my way into the room, my heart racing as I face Angeline, who’s sporting a look of pure mischief. Her emerald green eyes meet mine, and I can’t help but scowl, my hands clenching into fists at my sides. Her full red lips are painted the color of sin, and they stretch into a wicked smile as she holds a glass of dark red wine, her blonde hair cascading down her shoulders like a waterfall.
‘Don’t be a stranger, Saint, come to greet Mommy and Noona,’ she purrs, taking a swig of her drink. My eyes flicker over her bruised face, and I can’t help but shake my head. It’s no surprise that Angeline is drunk as a skunk, as slow as a sloth, and completely oblivious to the damage that’s been done. But that doesn’t make her any less dangerous.
Summoning all of my courage, I dared to meet her gaze. Her sapphire eyes twinkled with curiosity, her lips curling up into a seductive smile as one eyebrow arched in challenge. ‘Well, well… Saint,’ she purred, running her fingers through her chestnut locks and squeezing her thighs together.
I felt a shiver run down my spine at the sound of her voice.
‘Saint, don’t be rude,’ Angeline admonished gently, beckoning me closer.
‘Go give your aunt Noona a hug.’
Tentatively, I approached Noona, her eyes gleaming with forbidden desire as I wrapped my arms around her. I could barely contain the tremors thrumming through me, longing to escape at any moment.
Angeline suddenly rose from her seat, letting out a yawn. ‘I think I’ll grab us some more wine,’ she murmured before disappearing from the room, leaving me alone with Noona.
My heart hammered loudly in my chest as Noona’s tongue darted out to wet her lips, relishing the sight of her favourite prey.
Little boys.
She scoops me up in her embrace, and I struggle to break free. But my body becomes paralyzed when she touches me inappropriately and whispers in my ear, ‘Your mom won’t be back for a while, Saint. We have time. Don’t make me punish you like I did before. So behave.’ Revulsion churns in my gut as I try to hold back my repulsion.
The tears pool in my eyes when she slides her tongue along my neck, probing her fingers into my pants.
The memories of my childhood terrorize me relentlessly, each time they’re triggered. The scars of molestation and abuse run deep, wreaking havoc on every part of me. I felt helpless, with nowhere to turn or hide.
My heart slowly fossilized, molded by the cold gaze of those around me, I learned to shed no tears. The hurt flooded my insides, yet I burrowed it deep down, letting parts of me wither away.
Irena’s whisper-filled words bring me back to reality, snapping me out of my trance. ‘When did the anger take over?’ she asks. I let out a bittersweet chuckle, ‘Oh, it was around the time I was four. My father, Gabriel, had a quick temper, but it was my mother Angeline who fanned the flames.’
‘Their relationship changed after my baby sister Grace died, just an hour after she was born.’
Irena’s eyes widened. ‘You had a sister?’ She questioned and I nod. ‘That loss broke them, and they turned to drinking to numb their pain or endless killing.’ I take a deep breath, the memories still haunting me, gripping onto me like a vice. But Irena listens, titillated by the tragedy that has become my life.
‘Due to this, Gabriel’s violent behavior towards me escalated, resulting in him repeatedly smashing my head against glass windows and fracturing my bones. Unfortunately, my mother did not take any action and instead resorted to drinking to oblivion. The situation worsened significantly after the birth of Abel, which was unplanned. Angeline had intended to abort him, but Gabriel prevented her from doing so upon learning that the baby was a boy. She attempted numerous methods to dispose of Abel in secret, but Gabriel discovered her plans and kept her captive for five months until Abel was born.’
‘Angeline’s inability to tend to both Abel and myself left Gabriel with no choice but to seek the assistance of her sister, Noona.’ I heave a deep sigh, and Irena’s touch on my cheek feels like a comforting embrace, her eyes mirroring the pain I still carry.
‘You don’t have to Saint.’ She whispers.
‘I know but I want to,’ I utter and she smiles weakly. ‘When Noona moved in, I was 7 years old. Initially, she played the role of a second mother to me. She would often put me to bed, console me, and shower me with affection that my own mother didn’t provide. I trusted her fully. However, one particular night, she came into my room. It’s etched in my memory as though it occurred yesterday. It was nighttime, and I was wearing black and white striped pajamas, snuggled in bed, a few weeks before Christmas.
Like my mother, she smelled of alcohol as if it were her perfume. When she woke me up, I was bewildered. Looking into her eyes, the loving and kind demeanor that I had come to know was no longer present. All I could see was hunger, bitterness, and evil. I was young and she deceived me into playing a game. It was a scary experience, and after what she did to me, I cried myself to sleep. I hoped that it was just a terrible nightmare and that it would all be over when I woke up the next day. When I tried to confide in Angeline, she became furious and physically assaulted me to keep me from telling Gabriel. If I spoke up, she threatened to harm herself and Abel. So, I kept quiet and suffered Noona’s sexual abuse for a decade.’
Whenever I woke up, I never knew what she would do to me next, but I was certain that it would only worsen, and I was powerless to stop it until I turned 16,’ I stated. Irena looked nervous and began nibbling on her bottom lip. She asked, ‘What happened next?’
‘I killed her then Gabriel, Abel killed Angeline, and then I took over,’ I replied. ‘While on my journey, I met Prince and Zoltan, who I trusted. I’ve experienced and done things Irena that I carry with both pride and shame.’
Irena, who licked her lips nervously, then asked, ‘What are the shameful things you carry?’
I gazed back at her with uncertainty.
‘Noona used to inflict torture on me and make me do disgusting things, resulting in numbness in various parts of my body, particularly my back.
However, after killing her, I found myself engaging in sexual activities even more frequently. I couldn’t understand why, but I believed it was a way of coping with the trauma. I tried different things to explore my sexuality, but nothing really worked until I started to do to others the same things that Noona used to do to me. I found myself enjoying it, not being afraid at all and was thrilled by the combination of pleasure and pain that I was inflicting on others. Even though I was disgusted by myself, this feeling of adrenaline rush made me continue with my behavior, which violated the promise I made to myself not to become such a person. As a result, I am burdened with the ghosts of Gabriel, Noona, and Angeline.’
‘After losing myself. I had nothing to lose and jus—’
Irena interrupted me with a gentle kiss on my lips that felt different from our previous ones. This kiss was more intimate and emotional, with her soft and tender lips pressed against mine. As a result, my heart rate slowed down, making me realize how much I needed her, which scared me. Unlike most people who react with pity after hearing my story, Irena didn’t cry or constantly apologize. Instead, she expressed her feelings in a kiss that seemed to promise me that she would fight my demons and soothe them to sleep.
She assured me that I would never have to feel that way again.
She understood the pain I had as I understood hers.
Irena and I are raging storms but we are undeniably each other’s tranquillity.
She pulls away from the kiss. Her breathing slowed as she pressed her forehead against mine.
‘I was worried that you had no humanity left inside of you. That you actually are the villain you pretend to be,’ she whispered. My eyes lowered to meet hers. I tuck her hair behind her ear. ‘I am the villain that I claim to be. It’s just that I’ve accepted the darkness. I was never planning to escape it instead I’ve found comfort in it. The only difference now is that I’m no longer alone. I have you.’
‘You Irena Dé Leon are the first person to see the fire in my eyes and play with it. You are the first person to stare at my demons and still smile. You’ve captured my dark broken heart and I am willingly giving it to you to do with as you please. It’s yours. Do whatever you want with it. Break it, tame it, bleed it out. My heart belongs to you, Doe. I’m yours for every single second I have in this world. I’m all yours and after that, I’ll still be yours. Wherever I end up after I’m gone I’ll belong right here with you.’ I place my hand on her heart as tears shimmer in her eyes. ‘If you can’t handle my stubborn selfish nature, please leave now. I can’t have you just for this moment; if I don’t have you for all moments after, I’d rather die.’
Wiping away her tears, she chuckles softly. ‘You’re the only one who’s seen my heart and darkness, and I won’t let anyone else. You’re mine, and I’m yours, Saint. I’m not going anywhere.’ She assures me, a new glint in her eyes.
‘As we promised: ’till death do us part,” she says quietly.
In an impulsive moment, I seized her succulent lips, bestowing upon her every ounce of my passion. Every inch of my flesh throbbed relentlessly for her tender caress; my very bones yearned for her touch.
She’s my lifeline; my tether to the world.
She finally knows all my secrets, except one; that I am madly in love with her.
