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How to Keep a Boy from Kissing You: Chapter 14

Cupid is Understaffed

In a moment I was going to start doing an ancient tribal phone dance. Why hadn’t Cass called to fill me in? Right as she uttered the words ‘Scott has a girlfriend’, Mr Peterman had marched over and sent me home to rehearse my lines.

How could anyone rehearse when her best friend had just discovered that the guy of her dreams has a previously unmentioned significant other? I’d tried all manner of protests, but Mr Peterman had wordlessly escorted me out the door.

I’d considered sneaking backstage, but with the number of detentions I’d had in the mere fortnight since school had started, I’d felt it wasn’t such a great idea. So here I was, sitting at home, unable to aid my best friend in her hour of need.

The phone finally rang. I grabbed for it.

‘Cass! What happened?’

‘Oh, nothing much, you know, I’m over it already.’ Her voice sounded pretty choked up for someone who was over it.

‘Nothing much? Cass, come on.’

‘It was too good to be true anyway. I just feel so stupid.’

‘How did you find out?’ I asked softly. ‘Did she turn up at the rehearsal, or did you see a photo?’

‘No.’ Cassie’s voice was hard. ‘He told me himself.’

‘How did you get onto the topic of girlfriends?’

‘Oh, the whole interrogation thing.’

‘You asked him if he was single?’ I was impressed. I’d never known Cassie to be so straight up.

‘No … after you left I thought I’d ask him about art some more … you know, as a whole look-how-much-we-have-in-common nudge.’

‘That’s great, Cassie.’

‘So he started telling me about his sculpture class and suggested that I come along. And I was so happy ’cause I thought he wanted to spend more time with me.’

‘And then?’

‘And then he said, “Can you give me some advice on my new piece? I’m finding it really difficult.” So I said, “Sure. Is your model —”’

‘Model?’

‘The subject that he’s sculpting. I asked if he was sitting or standing.’ Cassie’s voice trembled slightly.

‘Yeah?’ The tension was killing me.

‘And he laughed and said, “She.” And I’m like, “What?” and Scott says, “She. It’s a girl I’m sculpting.”’ Cassie let out a sigh. ‘What I can’t believe is that he mentioned it so casually. Call me crazy, but I really thought he liked me. Instead, he’s probably been laughing with model girl about the silly girl at school with a crush on him.’

‘Wait a minute,’ I said. ‘Cass. Did he actually say the word “girlfriend”?’

‘No, but to sculpt a girl, well, they’d have to be really close. I just bet they have private sculpting lessons — like in Ghost.’

I pictured Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore’s steamy scene. ‘Cass, I really think you’re getting carried away. Who says this girl is his girlfriend? It’s probably a completely professional relationship! Or she’s just a friend.’

‘What girl could be just friends with Scott? Plus, think of all the artists who got involved with the women they painted! Picasso, Rossetti —’

I broke in before she could list any more model-chasing artists. ‘Cassie, I really don’t think you should get too worked up before we find out the truth. Why don’t you ask him a bit more about her?’

‘How will I pull that off? “So … Scott, how serious are things with model girl?”’

‘Get onto the topic of sculpture again. If you’re casual about it, he might open up.’

‘It’s too embarrassing.’ Cassie sighed. ‘I feel pathetic.’

‘You can’t just assume,’ I said. ‘Who knows, you could find out that you’ve got it all wrong and Scott’s a completely free agent. He’s hardly been acting like a man with a girlfriend when he’s around you.’

‘You think?’

‘Yes! So ask him tomorrow, okay?’

‘Alright. Thanks for listening, Aurora.’

‘Good luck!’

I fell back onto my bed in relief. Thank god it wasn’t as bad as I’d thought. I’d been picturing some serious childhood-sweetheart thing between Scott and this ‘girlfriend’. Cassie was just being a worrywart. Still, Scott’s status was yet to be confirmed. Why couldn’t guys come with ID bracelets? Like cats and dogs. A little tag saying ‘This guy belongs to Amy’ or whatever. Then you could just sneak a look to see whether he was available. It’d save a lot of trauma.

The next afternoon at rehearsal Mr Peterman was wearing a flamboyant orange shirt.

‘Okay, next scene. Leonato and Antonio onstage, please,’ he called. ‘Anyone not involved in this scene, please work on your lines.’

I looked down at my script. Then I looked at the backstage area. Had Cassie managed to find out more about Scott’s availability yet? Was she exultant or sinking into despair?

I was backstage in an instant.

Cass, Jelena and Lindsay were looking over some blocking plans together.

‘Cass! Any updates on DB?’ I could hardly wait to hear her answer.

‘I asked him what he was having trouble with and he said he couldn’t capture how cute model girl was,’ Cassie said through gritted teeth. ‘That was when I told him that I had to see Jelena about canvas size and got the heck out of there.’

‘What?’ I couldn’t believe it.

Jelena frowned. ‘This model girl has managed to get in ahead of Cassie. I’m telling you, you’ve got to keep an eye on your guy. Speaking of which, how is AA going?’

Thankfully, before I could answer that potentially dangerous question, Alex himself wandered over.

‘AA? Is this guy an alcoholic or something?’

‘Possibly,’ I replied, thinking of Alex’s earlier comment about ‘good liquor’. A possible alcoholic with philandering tendencies.

Alex gave a smirk. ‘Surely none of you are involved with this loser?’

A snicker escaped me before I could help it.

‘What’s so funny?’ Alex raised an eyebrow.

‘Just, you know, laughing at AA,’ Lindsay threw in, before we cracked up again. Cassie joined in, looking slightly guilty.

‘Well, he’d better stay away from the one I’ve got my eye on,’ Alex said, and threw Jelena a look before walking away.

‘That’s going to be a bit of a conundrum for him, isn’t it?’ I said.

Jelena wasn’t smiling. ‘Real mature, guys. Thanks a lot. Why is everyone being so discouraging about Alex and me? First Sara tells me that I’m so unpleasant to be around that he’s sure to be repelled; now you three make fun of him right to his face! It’s completely unfair. You know I only have a limited amount of time before Valentine’s Day —’

‘Valentine’s Day?’ I racked my brain to remember today’s date.

‘Friday?’ Jelena looked even more frustrated.

Oh my god. Valentine’s Day was only three days away! How had I totally forgotten about one of my favourite days of the year? I guessed I’d been so distracted by the NAD’s dating life and the strain of playing Hayden’s lover onstage that it had slipped my mind.

Jelena’s eyes were turbulent oceans. ‘Don’t you want me to have a day of love?’

‘Of course!’ I said. ‘Valentine’s Day is crucial. Lindsay, how are you feeling about it?’

This would be her first Tyler-free Valentine’s Day in three years.

Lindsay had her head buried in a thick book of costume design. ‘Oh, you know,’ she said, looking up. ‘I’m not leaping around with joy, but I’m doing okay.’

We all looked at her, surprised. She marked another page with a pink Post-it and kept reading.

‘I wish I could say that,’ Cassie murmured.

‘Cass, I’m going to find out the truth,’ I told her.

‘It’s pretty evident, isn’t it, if he’s calling this girl cute?’ Jelena said, straightening her French twist.

I glared at her. Jelena was just the queen of sensitivity today.

‘The truth is out there,’ I said. I knew it sounded so X-Files, but hey, it was an effective quip.

‘How are you going to find it?’ Cassie played with one of her ringlets.

‘I have my sources.’

‘Aurora!’ Mr Peterman was yelling again.

‘End of this rehearsal, I’ll have the answer,’ I called back to them as I dashed onto the stage. ‘Sorry, Mr Peterman.’

He nodded. ‘Okay, now we will be rehearsing the masked ball, then Claudio’s wooing of Hero, and Don John’s subsequent vow to wreck the couple’s impending marriage. Anyone involved in these scenes, please be punctual with your entrances. Starting from act two, scene one. Beatrice, up!’ Mr Peterman cried. ‘Are we going to have to wait all day for you, Aurora?’

‘Yes, faith; it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy, and say, “Father, as it please you.”’ I paused as I read my line. This was so sad. In order to please her dad, Hero was going to deny herself her Potential Prince! ‘But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy, and say, “Father, as it please me.”’

‘Beatrice is the perfect feminist!’ Sara broke in. ‘Look at how she’s showing the other women that they don’t have to marry against their will!’ She shook a fist triumphantly. ‘Tear those shackles off, Aurora! Hey, Mr Peterman, we could have Beatrice conduct a bra-burning ceremony with the other women in the play. It could even be in alliance with Don John!’

‘Yes! Nudity!’ Jeffrey pumped a fist in the air. ‘This play is going to have an R18 plus rating! Hey, what about the sexual frustration between Beatrice and Benedick?’

‘There is no sexual frustration!’ I cried.

This was so embarrassing. I couldn’t even look at Hayden. My face felt like it was bright red.

Jeffrey ran up to the wings and punched Hayden’s arm. ‘Hayden, you better get up there, my man. Aurora needs a good kissing.’

‘Can we keep going with the scene?’ I was dying. I kept blushing until the start of the ball was announced.

‘The revellers are entering, brother,’ David said. ‘Make good room.’

Mr Peterman gestured at the stage. ‘Okay, Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, Don John, Borachio and my other couples, please enter. In this scene, everyone’s attending a masked ball. We have Don Pedro and Hero dancing together —’

‘Lady, will you walk about with your friend?’ Alex asked, and guided Claire away from the group. He placed a hand on her waist, so low it was almost a buttock grab. Claire’s eyes widened. From her expression, I could tell she felt uncomfortable. If Jelena heard about this, she was going to freak.

‘Now we’ve got everyone pairing off,’ Mr Peterman said. ‘Don Pedro and Hero, Borachio and Margaret, Ursula and Antonio, and Beatrice and Benedick.’

‘We have to dance?’

I looked at Mr Peterman, then at Hayden. What else was I going to have to endure during this play? Why couldn’t I be a Hollywood actress and have a ‘no physical contact’ clause in my contract?

‘We’ll rehearse it in the weeks to come, but I’d like you all to pretend for now, so I can get an idea of the space needed for the set. Jelena?’ Mr Peterman yelled.

No! He couldn’t bring Jelena out now, to witness Alex’s flirtation.

‘Yes, Mr Peterman?’

Jelena popped her head round the corner and caught sight of Claire in Alex’s arms. Her face turned stony.

‘Could you try to estimate the space we’re going to need for dancing?’ Mr Peterman asked.

‘Sure,’ Jelena replied, her eyes flashing with what I knew to be anger. Forget the space; Jelena was going to have her eyes firmly on Alex.

Everyone formed their couples.

‘May I?’ Hayden held out a hand.

I nodded, knowing I had no choice in the matter. He began to guide me assuredly around the stage. I tried to frown, but as everyone turned to see us, I had to smile.

Mr Peterman was beaming. ‘Excellent!’

As we whirled around the stage, Alex and Claire said their lines. Jelena sent a furious glance my way. Eek. I’d wanted to stop Alex from groping Claire, but Mr Peterman had pushed me into dancing with Hayden.

I looked at Hayden and inspiration hit. I might not be able to do anything about Alex, but here was my chance to find out information to help Cassie’s love life! Hayden was Scott’s best friend. Who better to know whether Scott had a special someone?

‘Hey, Hayden, can I ask you something?’ I looked up into his eyes.

‘Anything, Beatrice my love.’

‘What’s Scott’s status?’

Hayden’s mouth dropped open. ‘Wait a minute. Did you just ask me about Scott’s status?’

‘For Cassie.’ I nodded towards her. ‘I don’t want my best friend stressing about someone who’s taken.’

‘Aurora, Scott and Cassie can take care of their own love lives!’ Hayden said as he turned us to the right. ‘Just like your dad can.’

I glared at him, thinking about the catastrophe that had been last Friday night. ‘Don’t bring my dad into this. You’re not the one who has to deal with the consequences.’

‘I just believe you shouldn’t stand in the way of love,’ Hayden said, raising his eyebrows. ‘What can I say? I’m a romantic.’

‘How can you be a romantic when you’re sabotaging a romance?’

‘Sabotaging?’ Hayden’s face was all innocence, just like the time he’d pushed me into the paddling pool. ‘Aurora, all I’m saying is that Cassie and Scott should take it slow.’

‘Paris, you do realise that Friday is Valentine’s Day?’

‘Ah, ma chérie, the day of love!’ Hayden said in a French accent, and pulled our linked hands over his heart.

I rolled my eyes. ‘That’s why you need to drop the whole let-Scott-take-his-time thing. Do you realise the potential trauma that Valentine’s Day holds? Do you want that trauma inflicted on Cassie, who’s such a giving, loving soul —’

‘I’m sure Scott can manage Valentine’s Day himself,’ Hayden cut in.

‘But with who?’ I asked. ‘Cassie or model girl?’

‘Model girl?’ Hayden looked dumbfounded.

‘So there is no model girl!’ I cried triumphantly.

‘Aurora! Is no-one’s love life sacred?’

I broke away from him. ‘You’re impossible!’

‘Okay, Beatrice and Benedick! Lines, please!’ Mr Peterman called.

‘I’m changing this darn script,’ I muttered. ‘Benedick’s going to get beaten up by a bunch of female ninja warriors.’

Hayden and I finished our scene and I gratefully exited the stage. As Benedick listened to Claudio moan about how Don Pedro had stolen his girl, I snuck over to Jelena and Cassie.

‘Did you find out the truth?’ Cassie whispered.

I grimaced. ‘Not yet —’

‘Cass, give up,’ Jelena said. ‘I don’t think Aurora’s concerned with either of us at the moment. She can’t even keep an eye on Alex.’

‘What?’ I looked at Jelena in shock. ‘Of course I’m concerned.’

‘Yeah, you looked really worried waltzing about in Hayden’s arms,’ Jelena replied. ‘Cass and I were racked with tension here, but you were oblivious. It’s just like Claudio said. Friendship can never be constant when it comes to affairs of love.’

‘I was trying to question Hayden about Scott’s status!’ I said. ‘Look, Jelena, what can I do to help you?’

She fell silent a moment. ‘I just hated seeing that whole thing going on.’

‘Are you really sure you want to be involved with someone who’s so …’ I paused, trying to think of a nice word. ‘Flirty?’

Jelena sighed. ‘Alex can’t help being attractive. Or having obsessive girls chase him. He’s defenceless.’

Right. Defenceless Alex. I swallowed my laughter. I didn’t want to fight with Jelena. After all, she was understandably stressed after seeing the object of her affection pursuing everyone else.

‘Beatrice, up!’ Mr Peterman called.

‘I’ll try my best,’ I vowed to Jelena. ‘For you as well, Cass.’

I tried to sound reassuring, but I felt really uneasy as I joined Alex onstage. How was I going to rein in his flirtatiousness and persuade Hayden to tell me the truth about Scott?

‘I may sit in a corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!’ I read as I tried to put together a plan in my mind.

‘Will you have me, lady?’ Alex said. He raised a hand to my cheek and Jelena went purple.

Now he was flirting with me? Shock sent any semblance of a plan out the window.

The moment I read my exit cue, I ran for the backstage area. What was Jelena going to say? Was she going to accuse me of being one of the obsessive girls chasing Alex?

I dashed over to where she was conferring with Lindsay and Cass. Was she telling them furiously about my supposed man-thieving?

‘Jelena!’ I slid to a stop just in front of her. ‘About Alex —’

‘Isn’t he the most incredible actor?’ she breathed.

I searched her face for any sign of anger, but her brow was unwrinkled and her mouth curved up happily.

‘I can’t believe that I got so upset before,’ she said. ‘His physical interactions with you and Claire are obviously his way of getting into character.’

I opened my mouth, but Jelena continued. ‘It finally hit me while I was watching that scene where he was supposed to woo you. He was so convincing!’

Call me crazy, but to me it had seemed like genuine flirtatiousness, not Alex’s attempt to channel Laurence Olivier. He’d spent most of the scene clasping my hand and staring into my eyes. I’d responded by backing away and intently studying the stage floor. Would I have felt that uncomfortable if he’d simply been reading his lines?

‘Aurora, I’m sorry I was so cranky before. Can we forget it?’ Jelena looked expectantly at me.

What could I say? If I pressed my point about Alex being a potential Lothario, then Jelena would be furious, whether my allegations proved false or true. I didn’t want our group torn apart because of a guy. And maybe Jelena was right about Alex being in character. So far all his flirtations had taken place during rehearsal. From now on, I was going to leave it up to Jelena herself to analyse Alex’s actions and their meaning.

‘Sure, Jelena.’ I gave her a hug.

Jelena hugged me back. ‘I’m never going to jump to conclusions again. And neither should you, Cass. I’ve got a feeling it’ll all come together on Valentine’s Day. Just wait and see. And Aurora, I’m sorry about the Hayden thing. You guys did look cute together though.’

Cassie and Lindsay nodded with her. I rolled my eyes.

Alex’s voice drifted backstage. ‘She were an excellent wife for Benedick.’

‘Oh Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad,’ David as Leonato replied.

Well, at least someone else was intelligent enough to realise the prospects were dim for Beatrice and Benedick. Poor Beatrice. I really had to try to make a better future for her.

‘Mr Peterman?’ I called, stepping onto the side of the stage.

‘Aurora, you’ve already exited.’ He gestured for me to leave.

‘Oh, I know that, sir. But I was thinking … why is everyone so obsessed with Beatrice and Benedick getting together? It really seems to me like they have a toxic relationship, which is only going to result in a miserable, unfulfilling marriage.’

‘I think Benedick has the ability to make Beatrice happy beyond her wildest dreams,’ Hayden said, his head appearing through the wings on the other side of the stage. Why was he always popping up to dismiss my ingenious theories?

Mr Peterman smiled. ‘Beatrice and Benedick are crazy about one another. And everyone knows it but them.’

‘But seriously, Mr Peterman,’ I protested, ‘what does anyone really know about their suitability? I was thinking, we should make clear the wild thinking that’s led this group of people to push Beatrice and Benedick into a relationship. We could show everyone bored and thus consuming vast quantities of alcohol, which causes them to come up with this crazy suggestion —’

‘Alcohol?’ shrilled Mr Peterman.

‘Not real alcohol,’ I put in quickly. ‘We could just allude to it. And the destructive results it can bring about.’

‘We could also show the lack of power women had in the fifties,’ Sara cried from the audience. ‘Beatrice could be drugged by doctors employed by her uncle, who’s worried about her unnatural uninterest in marriage. They attempt to convince Beatrice that Benedick is a good match —’

‘But Beatrice breaks free!’ I cried, moving forward to stand next to Mr Peterman.

‘Is this where the bra burning comes in?’ Jeffrey looked hopeful.

‘And she refuses to marry Benedick!’ I pumped the air enthusiastically.

‘Aurora, I’ve had a long day,’ Mr Peterman said. ‘Don’t make it any longer.’

‘Does that mean you’ll consider my idea?’ I asked hopefully.

Hayden joined us. ‘How do you come up with this stuff?’

‘I put my intelligence to good use.’

He smiled. ‘It’s a brilliant concept, but I think you might be a bit misguided about Beatrice and Benedick’s relationship. Underneath all the arguing there are genuine loving feelings.’

I peered at him. ‘How do you know this? Were you with Shakespeare when he created the play?’

‘Well, obviously not, but —’

‘Exactly.’ I shrugged my shoulders. ‘So until you build a time machine and go back and become best buddies with the Bard, perhaps you should pipe down.’

Hayden burst out laughing. ‘Aurora, you are really one of a kind.’

I turned away from him. ‘Mr Peterman, can I show you what kind of man Beatrice should marry?’

Mr Peterman pulled a pained face.

‘I’ll take that to mean yes,’ I said triumphantly to Hayden as we both returned backstage.

Hayden shook his head. ‘You’re stripping the romance from the play!’

I laughed. ‘Funny you should have a problem with that, seeing as how you frequently strip the romance from other people’s lives.’

‘Is this about Scott and Cassie again?’ Hayden raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ll have the information soon enough.’

‘Soon enough? Like how soon?’ I grabbed his arm.

‘It’s a secret,’ Hayden whispered. ‘Now, do you want to rehearse the waltz scene again?’

‘Nope. I’m heading straight home to write up a list of characteristics for Beatrice’s Potential Prince.’

‘Potential Prince?’ Hayden looked curiously at me.

‘It’s a secret,’ I whispered.

‘As your future betrothed, I think you should fill me in on this secret,’ Hayden said in a low voice, moving closer to me.

I pulled away. ‘That’s about as likely as you being a romantic.’

Ma chérie, if you knew the depth of feeling in my heart —’

‘I suggest you save the acting for rehearsal,’ I said, and turned and headed for the exit.


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