By 7 pm the Get-Over-Him Party was in full swing. Upbeat music was pumping on the lounge stereo system and Lindsay, Jelena, Cassie, Sara and I were stretched out on the floor, giving ourselves pedicures. Lindsay was applying Lamborghini Red to her toes and looking more together.
‘Hey,’ Jelena looked up from her long, elegant feet, ‘I’ve got a joke. How do you stop a man biting his nails?’
‘Buy him some of that polish that tastes awful?’ Cassie suggested. You can’t take the problem-solver out of her.
Sara shrugged. ‘Why does it matter? I mean, it’s not as if men’s hands are under observation all the time like female hands are. The pressure on women to conform to society’s expectations of beauty is —’
Jelena cut in before Sara could get on a roll. ‘Make him wear shoes!’
‘Ew!’ we screeched collectively.
Every Get-Over-Him Party begins with making fun of the male sex. If you can put a smile on the dumpee’s face, then you’re helping her take her first shaky step towards recovery.
‘Okay, I’ve got one!’ I stroked Baby Pink onto my pinkie toe. ‘Have you ever noticed that all women’s problems start with men?’
‘Have I ever,’ Sara muttered. Sara’s both a lover and a hater of the male species.
‘MEN-tal illness! MEN-opause! MEN-strual pain!’ I recited.
‘Not to mention all the other words men have loaded their names onto. Talk about ego problems!’ Sara admired her perfect polish job. ‘I mean, HIS-tory? What about HER-story? And MAN-kind? Give me a break. I think it’s time, ladies,’ she raised her nail-polish bottle to the sky, ‘to start using more appropriate terms. Such as MEN-ace. And MEN-ial.’
‘MEN-agerie!’ Lindsay said, getting into the spirit. ‘A collection of wild animals!’
‘Just you wait, Lindsay!’ Sara cried. ‘Tyler will soon be MEN-dicant!’
We all looked at her blankly.
‘It means begging.’
We let out a collective cheer.
I don’t want you to think we’re a bunch of man-haters. This was just part of the Get-Over-Him Party spirit, which could border on rambunctious at times.
I heard a noise outside and got up to go to the front door. The balls of toilet paper separating my freshly painted toes slowed me down a bit, so I was able to catch more antimale quips on the way.
‘Men are like —’
‘Mascara!’ Cassie cut in. ‘They usually run at the first sign of emotion!’
‘Lava lamps,’ Sara said. ‘Fun to look at but not all that bright.’
That one received a massive cheer.
I opened the door, half-expecting to find a representative of the male sex up in arms over our remarks. What I hadn’t expected to see was the NAD struggling under the weight of a massive Buddha statue. I ran forward to help him.
‘Honey! Look what I’ve found! A Buddha!’ he announced proudly, as if there was a possibility of my not spotting it. ‘It’s just the thing to make my office a Sacred Space.’
As we headed up the stairs, the Buddha slipped slightly from my grip and almost head-butted the wall.
‘Careful, honey!’ The NAD grimaced. ‘This guy wasn’t cheap.’
Question: is the amount you spend on your Buddha an indication of your spiritual dedication? As the Buddhist faith is centred on anti-materialism, then it shouldn’t matter if you buy a cheap Buddha. But is it okay to go to a discount store for something you use in devotional practice? The idea of a cut-price, low-cost Buddha is rather unnerving.
We made it safely into Dad’s office, where Snookums was slinking around the desk. He took one look at the Buddha and pounced.
‘Down, Snookums, down!’
The NAD and I lifted the enormous weight higher to avoid his claws. Sometimes I think Snookums has a desire to be a dog, much as that’s highly traitorous to his kind. He loves to leap up on visitors, and even likes to go for walks on a leash. I think everyone in this house is suffering from a bit of an identity crisis.
Luckily Snookums was distracted by loud yells from downstairs.
‘Entertaining, honey?’ the NAD said as we placed the Buddha on top of a tall cabinet, out of Snookums’s reach.
‘The girls are over. We’re offering moral support to Lindsay, who’s just been cruelly dumped.’
‘TylerandLindsay broke up?’ Dad looked shocked.
I loved him for that. He knows my life inside out.
‘Yeah. Major carnage. It’s going to take some time.’
The NAD gave me a hug. ‘Well, if there’s one person who can make her feel better, it’s you. I’m heading off to my yoga class. Let the girls know they’re welcome to stay as long as they like. Just don’t take any male-related anger out on the house, okay?’
That would be easy to manage, considering the lack of furniture.
As the NAD and I headed downstairs, more screams erupted from the kitchen.
The NAD laughed. ‘You’d better go see what that’s about, honey.’
As I dashed into the kitchen, a blob of cookie dough hit me on the forehead. ‘Hey!’ I complained.
‘Sorry, Aurora. We decided that a cookie man looked like Tyler and had to be destroyed,’ Jelena said sheepishly.
‘Take that!’ yelled Lindsay, stomping on the remains of cookie Tyler.
‘I think Dad would appreciate it if you didn’t grind dough into the floor,’ I joked.
‘Oh.’ Lindsay’s face crumpled.
‘Linds, I’m not serious. Feel free to pound Tyler further into the tiles.’ I gave a hearty stamp to the dough myself.
‘How can I?’ Tears appeared in her chocolate-coloured eyes. ‘He was the best thing that ever happened to me!’
‘He was not the best thing to happen to you!’ Sara said, putting her arm around Lindsay. ‘It just seems that way at the moment. You’ll see.’
Lindsay just cried some more.
‘Okay,’ Cassie said softly. ‘What was so great about Tyler? Let’s make a list.’
Appropriate mourning of your ex is a vital part of a Get-Over-Him Party. Cass got a pad of paper and a pen from the kitchen drawer and sat Lindsay down at the black marble bench.
Lindsay sniffed. ‘He was sensitive.’
‘Yeah, he really proved that this morning,’ Jelena said, biting the head off a cookie man.
I shot her a look. Now was not the time.
‘He bought me my favourite flowers, lilies, almost every week,’ Lindsay went on. ‘We both love Malaysian food but he always let me have most of the roti, even though it was his favourite. We wanted to go to Europe together, and he said he’d happily go with me along the Champs-Elysées so I could get my fashion fix … and now … now we’ll never gooooooo!’ Lindsay put her head down on the bench. ‘And when he held me, everything just felt right and perfect, you know?’
I felt like crying along with her. How do you go from a conjoined existence to one on your own in just one day?
‘And he knew everything there was to know about me — not just major secrets but all the trivial stuff as well. And, of course, I loved his green eyes and the way he smiled …’
We quietly cleaned up around her and placed circles of cookie dough on greased trays.
‘And his Billabong backpack and his hip-hop CDs,’ she continued.
This was getting ridiculous. Lindsay always used to argue with Tyler about hip-hop not having enough varied melodies.
I loaded the cookie tray into the oven and turned on the timer.
‘And his eyebrows!’ Lindsay sobbed dramatically.
‘His eyebrows?’ Sara said.
‘They weren’t bushy,’ Lindsay replied. ‘It’s an important feature.’
We all looked at each other and cracked up, even Lindsay.
‘That’s it! I can’t take it any more!’ Sara fell to her knees and raised her clasped hands to the ceiling. ‘I can’t hear anything more about Tyler’s perfection! God save me!’
Lindsay pretended to glare at Sara, but gave up.
‘I can’t take this heat any more!’ Jelena moaned. ‘It’s like the fires of hell!’
The steaming weather hadn’t let up, even though it was now twilight. Coupled with the heat of the oven, it was too much.
‘Anyone got any ideas on how to beat the heat?’ I asked.
‘We could set up the sprinkler,’ Cassie suggested.
‘It’s broken,’ I said. ‘I can’t believe Hayden Paris has a swimming pool and I have to cool down in a sprinkler —’
‘Wait a minute,’ Jelena said, a smile spreading over her face.
‘No!’ I said, before she could continue. I didn’t like where this was going.
‘Come on, Aurora!’ Jelena pleaded. ‘I’m sure your neighbours wouldn’t mind. And Hayden’s never going to know — aren’t they all away for the weekend?’
I was really regretting expressing my enthusiasm over Hayden’s absence earlier.
‘Come on!’ Jelena said again.
Next thing I knew we were attempting to scale Hayden Paris’s back fence wearing our bikinis.
‘Okay, if you just lift your right leg up to this branch, you’ll be able to swing yourself up and over,’ Jelena instructed, already inside Hayden’s yard.
I knew I should have taken gymnastics in primary school.
‘If Hayden Paris was my neighbour,’ Sara said from the branch above me, ‘I’d be sneaking over here all the time.’
‘If you knew the real Hayden Paris,’ I said, ‘you’d stay as far away as humanly possible.’
‘Come on!’ squealed Sara. ‘Those roguish hazel eyes? The slightly curly hair that just calls out for you to run your fingers through it? Those soft-looking lips …’
My hands slipped and I almost lost my grip on the overhead branch.
‘You okay?’ Cassie called from below.
I regained my balance. ‘Sara, you sound like a bad romance novel.’
‘His manly shoulders …’
‘Steady on there.’ I dropped to the ground on the other side. ‘If you’re not careful, he’ll turn up. Hayden Paris can sense a compliment from kilometres away.’
I had to admit, he had one thing going for him though. The lagoon-style pool glinted in the moonlight. Green palms and leafy bushes hugged its edges, and a small waterfall trickled into it at one end. We stood and admired it before leaping in. Everyone surfaced screaming at the temperature. Jelena dived back under and grabbed at our ankles, starting a game of Marco Polo.
Cass started counting with her eyes closed. ‘One, two, three …’
We all broke away, swimming as far from her as we could.
‘… eight, nine, ten!’
Suddenly a noise came from inside the Parises’ house.
‘Oh my god,’ Sara said, giving away her position. ‘There’s someone inside.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ Jelena said. ‘Everyone’s away for the weekend. Keep counting, Cass.’
‘Eleven, twelve …’
We heard the patio glass door slide open. We all froze.
‘Someone’s broken into their house!’ Lindsay said in a strangled voice.
‘Shouldn’t we wait to see who it is before we jump to conclusions?’ Jelena said, sounding convincingly brave.
‘You can stay if you like,’ Sara said as the bushes in front of the patio rustled. ‘But I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that teenage girls and ominous noises do not lead to happy results.’
At those words, everyone was out of the water and running for the tree that gave quick access to my backyard. I was in the furthest corner of the pool so had only reached its steps when I heard the crackling of branches and saw a figure dashing towards me.
‘Oh god! Aurora! Run!’ Lindsay yelled from just ahead of me.
I grabbed my towel and sprinted towards the tree. My heartbeat mixed in with the sound of heavy footsteps just metres behind me. I felt a burst of adrenaline as I reached for a branch and started heaving myself up. I was not going to die in Hayden Paris’s backyard in my bikini!
My pursuer was right below me now, grabbing at my feet. I lost my balance and fell, letting out a scream. My towel flew out of my hand and in a wide arc above me. I landed on the grass and slowly looked up at my pursuer, ready to meet my death bravely.
Hayden Paris was standing above me, smirking. ‘I knew you’d fall at my feet some day.’
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I screamed, nearly hysterical. My heart was pounding like an African conga drum. ‘Are you trying to kill me from shock? I thought you were a psychopath!’
Hayden reached down and offered me a hand.
I batted it away. ‘Don’t touch me!’
‘Aurora, are you hurt?’ my friends called over the fence.
I couldn’t answer. I felt so shaky I wasn’t sure of anything. Except my extreme hatred for Hayden.
I got up, shaking my fist in a gesture that would have made my mother frown. ‘I’ve had it with you!’
‘She’s fine, girls,’ Hayden called over the fence. ‘Back to her normal self. You head inside. I’ll have her back in a moment.’
I heard their voices drifting away as Hayden grabbed my flailing arms and led me over to the edge of the pool. ‘Easy, Princess. Don’t lose your composure. You’d better sit down. You’re still a bit shaky.’
I dropped down and sank my legs into the water. I saw my towel at the bottom of the pool.
‘Arrgghh!’
‘Don’t worry about that,’ Hayden said, slipping off his T-shirt and jumping into the water in one easy motion before I could protest.
Not that I cared about him getting wet after all he’d put me through.
He dragged the drenched towel to the surface, then pulled himself up to sit beside me. I remembered Sara’s remark about his ‘manly shoulders’. I had to admit, purely objectively, that she was right. I shook my head and pushed the thought away.
‘What were you doing in the bushes? Trying to scare me to death?’ I said furiously.
‘I heard noises coming from the pool. I thought I’d better investigate, and I kept out of sight so as not to alert the possibly violent intruders.’
‘I don’t suppose you could have said something once you realised it was a bunch of innocent teenage girls?’ I said, raising my eyebrows.
Hayden’s normally teasing eyes were serious. ‘I honestly didn’t realise it was you until you fell at my feet.’
Did he have to keep putting it that way? It wasn’t as if I’d intended to land there.
‘What were you doing in the pool anyway?’ Hayden kicked his feet in the water. ‘Technically, you were trespassing.’
‘You weren’t supposed to be home!’
‘All the more reason to break in, huh? I guess pool-hopping is a regular thing for you? Come on, admit it. Now I’ve finally caught you in the act.’
‘You haven’t caught me in the act of anything!’ I spluttered. ‘Your mum asked me to keep an eye on the house. But that’s the end of my neighbourhood watch. From now on, your plasma TV and Xbox are fair game for thieves.’
I stood up and started striding towards his house. Hayden ran to open the door for me.
‘Keeping an eye on a neighbour’s house usually means observing from a distance, Princess, not frolicking in their pool.’
‘It was firsthand observation,’ I insisted, as I pushed by him into his house and straight out the front door, across to my place.
Hayden chased after me, trying to put a dry towel over my shoulders.
‘I don’t need an escort home!’ I said.
‘Ah. The fateful location of Daniel Benis’s accident,’ Hayden said as we reached my door.
I scowled. ‘There’ll be another accident if you’re not careful.’
‘Break-and-enter, death threats … I could report you for this.’
‘You’d get done for harassment,’ I said, tossing him back his towel.
Hayden’s hazel eyes were twinkling again. ‘You know I’d only look sexier with handcuffs.’
The front door opened, saving me from answering. Jelena, Cassie, Sara and Lindsay peered out and took in Hayden’s and my dripping bodies.
‘Have you been swimming together?’ Sara asked.
‘It’s always been you,’ boomed the TV from inside. That’s another part of the Get-Over-Him Party. If you’re going to cry, you might as well cry your eyes out at The Notebook. By the end of that movie, there’ll be no tears left in you.
Hayden smiled. ‘Bonding time, huh? I’ll let you get back to it. Hey, Lindsay?’
Lindsay looked at him.
‘Don’t worry about Tyler. I think he’s been influenced by stories of freedom in our personal development class. Mr Bridges is big on the single-man thing. I give Tyler a week before he realises what an idiot he’s been and begs you to take him back.’
Lindsay smiled.
Hayden headed down the path. ‘Night, girls. Night, Princess.’
I rolled my eyes.
‘Oh, and, girls …’ He stopped and turned, his bare chest glowing under the driveway lights. ‘You’re welcome to use my pool any time. Just let me know first and I’ll go swimming with you.’ He gave us a wink and disappeared inside his own yard.
The girls let out whistles. Sara pretended to faint.
‘I was right about his manly chest,’ she said.
‘Shoulders,’ I said. ‘You said shoulders earlier.’
She sighed. ‘The whole package is outstanding.’
‘I think lack of food has got to you,’ I replied. ‘Let’s go eat those cookies.’
We headed inside and let The Notebook work its magic. By the end, we were all sobbing.
‘I can’t cry any more!’ Lindsay wailed.
She was on the road to recovery.
