Waking up with the pups in my bed was becoming a routine. I stretched, pushing slightly on the two at my feet.
“Time to get up, pups. We have games set up for this morning.”
Lexi raised her head, cocking it slightly to look at me.
I giggled, rubbing the pup’s fur.
“Fun games. Seriously, Lexi.”
I swung my legs out of bed and made for the bathroom door, coming face to face with Shane, who was just leaving, a towel around his waist.
Standing just inches away from this man’s beautiful body – sculpted abs, tone muscles that moved smoothly under lightly tanned skin — meant my panties instantly went wet. I stared straight ahead, but all that filled my sight was his tanned chest, his pectoral muscles lightly dusted with black hairs.
“Holden.” His voice was a soft groan.
Behind me, I heard three thumps as the pups jumped down off the bed and left, but I couldn’t focus on them. All I could see was Shane.
Shane put his hands lightly on my waist, his fingers caressing the thin fabric of my pajamas.
I stared up into those silver eyes. They had always seemed both familiar and wrong to me. Like they shouldn’t have been silver. I wasn’t sure why I believed that.
My eyes went to his collarbone, and I saw the small tattoo there, my gaze sharpening. I reached up and traced the lines – úlfur. Wolf.
I only knew one other person with that tattoo, in that location.
Except… he had green eyes and black hair. And he had gone to war. He had been presumed dead, after an explosion had taken out his whole unit. But… Could it be?
“Shane?” The word was only a breath on my lips.
He saw the question in my eyes. Heard it in my voice.
He nodded, swallowing hard. “I couldn’t tell you, Holden. I had returned battered and broken, but I wanted to see you. I needed to see you. By the time I could find you, you had married Thomas. I couldn’t disrupt that relationship. I am not that selfish. So I stayed away.”
I cupped his cheek softly, my fingers exploring the skin there, traveling along that faint scar line. My body swayed closer to his, his fingers tightening on my waist. “Your eyes. They are not green, though. How…?”
He dropped his head slightly, his gaze flicking to my mouth and then back to my own eyes. “The explosion. I am told that there are times, when someone goes through extreme trauma like I had, physical attributes can mysteriously change.” I could detect a bitterness to his voice. “For me, it was my hair and eyes. They both went silver. The doctors couldn’t quite explain it, except to mention that there had been similar cases in the past.”
A sob broke free from my lips as I wrapped my arms around him tight, pressing myself close against him. “Shane! I had been so angry when they had told me you had died in action. We had had little time together, before you told me you had to leave, that you were being deployed. But you didn’t come home. You didn’t return to me.”
I couldn’t tell him I had felt something for him, something deep. That the news of his death had hit me hard. That I had almost died.
I had been sitting on a bridge in the town I was living in, looking down at the swiftly flowing water, wondering if drowning would be painful, when Thomas had come along. He had talked me down off that wall and then talked me out of the mental abyss that I had fallen into.
Leaning forward, I touched my lips to his skin, tasting him. We had only kissed before he had been deployed. There hadn’t been time. But now… Thomas was gone, and we were here together. Could we just pick up again?
I wondered if there was anyone in his life.
Shane’s arms came around me, holding me tight. He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back. I could feel the dampness of his skin from his shower and smell the slight scent of the coconut scented soap he had used. And felt his desire for me build against my hip, with only the towel separating us from each other.
A towel. Nakedness. The pups. What was I doing?
I stepped back, my hands dragging on his skin as if they were reluctant to let him go. He released me, his eyes hooded.
“We need to talk. You have to tell me what happened to you.” I cleared my throat. “I would like to know.” I quickly ran my eyes over his body, this time noting the scars that had marked his frame, including a long, ragged one that ran from one side of his chest around to his belly button. I wanted to touch it, trace it, but I clasped my hands tightly, twisting them and massaging them in front of me.
He smiled, recognizing this was me distancing myself from him. “Okay. Take a shower. Let me get dressed. Perhaps we can have Max start the puppy games so we can talk.”
I felt his withdrawal, realizing that I had triggered it, and mourned his distance. Too much stretched between us. We needed to talk. To figure out where to go next.
I nodded. “Okay. Yes. Mmm… let me take that shower and get dress. Can you feed the pups?” I knew I was babbling, but I couldn’t stop.
Shane reached out and gripped my shoulders. “Holden.” He started to say something, but then changed his mind. “I will feed the pups and talk with Max. Don’t worry. Take your time.”
I wondered what he had intended to say.
He walked away, leaving so much unsaid between us.
A thought occurred to me. “Why were you in this shower? Why didn’t you use the other one?”
He chuckled, stopping at the doorway. “Max and I had jogged over here. He was in that one. I figured I could get a shower before you woke up. Guess I was wrong.” He slipped out into the hall, leaving me to think about that.
They had jogged over here. I didn’t even know where he lived. His house must be close to the compound, though. Who was this Shane? We would have to take things slow.
Staring after him for a moment, I shook my head before walking into the steamy bathroom. A little of me thrilled. This Shane was my Shane, and he was alive! Without knowing it, I walked with a little bounce in my step, hoping that warfare hadn’t changed my friend too much. Because I had missed him terribly.
I rushed through my shower and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, leaving my feet bare because I was too impatient to pull on socks and find my sneakers. I strolled into the kitchen, searching for Shane.
I found Max.
He looked up at me and grinned. “Good morning, Holden.”
“Where’s Shane?”
I knew I was being blunt, but I had so many questions.
Max handed me a mug of coffee and came around the kitchen island. “He got a call about something he needed to take care of. He is hoping to return soon. He told me you just realized that he was the boy you knew in college who had gone off to war.”
I turned and studied the doctor. This man probably knew how badly my friend had been hurt.
“Yes, I have. I saw his tattoo. I had always admired that one, and I knew no one else who had that word, úlfur, for a mark.”
Max’s eyes appeared to go yellow for a moment and then returned to his normal brown. I shook my head, wondering if I had seen what I thought I had. Had a wild beast peered out of his eyes? No, this was Max.
Max moved towards me, gesturing at the couch in the living room. He waited until I took a seat in one of the over-sized chairs before he sat near me on the couch.
“Please forgive him for not telling you. He came back a changed man. He had been lost in the war zone. Even his family had thought he had died over there. When he returned, he had more healing to do. When he finally searched for you, you were married. He had returned more withdrawn than he had been before.”
“Shane had been extroverted. He was always pulling me out to bars and parties because he said I spent too much time in my head.” I whispered out loud softly, not knowing the man could hear every word.
Max rubbed a hand over his mouth. “War changes people, Holden. They return different from who they had been. They have trouble coming to peace with what they saw and experienced over there. They grieve for friends they had lost. Once they return, those around them have trouble realizing that the person who returned to them is now different. Shane’s hair and eyes changed. His personality also changed. He is a darker, more serious person than he was before. One thing that hadn’t changed, though, was his loyalty to his friends and family.”
Max stood up, looking behind me. I turned and saw that Shane had entered the room, his eyes moodily watching us. His task must have been taken care of quickly.
Max kept his eyes on his friend while he continued. “Back already? The pups and I are going to play games. You two talk. This conversation is way overdue. Take your time.”
He left through the glass doors, walking out onto the deck and yelling for the three pups, who came running towards him for the game.
I turned back around, staring straight ahead, my hands gripping the arms of the chair. Shane sighed and moved to sit in front of me on the coffee table, his hand trailing down my arm before leaving it as he sat.
“Holden.”
“You should have told me.” I couldn’t meet his eyes. “I had the right to know.”
“And what would you have done? Left Thomas? Rip my heart out again by giving me hope that we could have had something together only to return to him? What would telling you have done? You thought I was dead. So, I stayed dead to you.”
I sat there, tears gathering in my eyes. Those words, while bitter, were also true. “There were times, even when I was lying beside Thomas, that I missed you so much, Shane. You were more than just an infatuation. You were my friend. I missed my friend.”
He reached out and put a hand on my knee. “And I missed mine. I kept up with you, watching your career grow. I made sure Thomas treated you well. He loved you, Holden, and I think you loved him. I was happy for you. You definitely didn’t need my broken self in your life.”
I chuckled weakly at that. “We are all broken, Shane. Did you know that I met Thomas when I was contemplating jumping off the bridge near the campus? I waited a week after I found out you were dead. I couldn’t see my way to continue on without you. So, I had climbed onto the wall and was staring at the water when Thomas found me. He talked to me, he gave me hope and compassion, he helped me down off that wall. He knew that there was someone else. He knew. He helped me through therapy and the deep well of depression I had fallen into. He waited for me to get well.”
I shifted my eyes to look at him, tears now streaming down my face. He was staring back, his own tears falling.
“I..I..I am glad he was there when I couldn’t be.” He choked out, rubbing his cheeks briskly.
“He didn’t replace you, though, Shane. No one could replace you. I had to learn that there was room in my heart for him, along with you.”
He nodded. “Do you think we might start again? As friends first? Then perhaps as more?” His voice was hushed, as if he was afraid of my answer.
I nodded. “I would like that. I think we already have started. Here. With the pups. But you have to tell me what happened to you. Tell me what would cause your eyes and hair to change so drastically that I couldn’t recognize you on sight.”
His eyes dropped for a second, before lifting to meet mine. “I can, but even now, so many years later, I am trying to piece it all together. Right after the explosion, I couldn’t remember much. Some people discovered my body and helped me heal. Saved my life, before returning me to the base. The medics patched me up enough to discharge me with honors before sending me back here. Back home. Max had to do the rest. I am not one hundred percent healed, even now, but I am not as broken as I was when I first returned.”
I slid forward, my knees intertwining with his as I pulled him into a hug. “Welcome home, Shane. I have missed you so very much.”
He laughed and hugged me back. He turned his head and kissed my cheek, before pulling back slightly.
“Hey, Holden?”
“What?”
“Want to go play with the puppies?”
I laughed; my voice joyful. I stood and rubbed my eyes, before wiping the traces of tears from my cheeks. “Yes. Yes, I do.”
I started for the glass doors, Shane following me.
