Blood. It’s…everywhere. On my hands, on my jeans, and even on my face. It’s nothing new to me, but why does it feel like the first time?
Blood has never bothered me before; it’s become a staple in my life. You’d think that being a special operator would have prepared me for this, but I can’t seem to shake it out of my mind.
My pulse thunders rapidly and I flare my nostrils while every muscle in my body tenses up with no release in sight.
The way it spilled through my fingers as I tried to make it stop draining from Ari’s body was persistent and inevitable, no matter how hard I tried.
I still tried to make it stop even though deep down, I knew…it might be too late.
Why wouldn’t it stop?
No matter what I did or how hard I tried, more kept pouring out, her life leaving her with every drop on the floor.
When Grim took her from me, Ari’s mother scrambled up, trying desperately to reach her daughter’s lifeless body.
I’m holding Ari’s mother in my arms as she wretchedly keeps trying to lunge for her daughter. I grabbed her before she could get too close, holding her tightly so she couldn’t see what was happening.
She’s screaming at me, hitting me, and I tighten my hold on her. I refuse to let her watch anymore. I force her to turn around. I lift her in my arms, turning her in the opposite direction of the horrifying sight before us.
She shouldn’t see this. She doesn’t need to see this. Ari’s mother has been through enough.
I can’t seem to take my eyes off of the girl I promised to protect. I feel numb, my ears ringing as the rest of the world fades around me. I forced my eyes closed, trying to calm the rising panic in my chest.
It’s too much for me to bear. I’ve seen shit like this all the time on missions. I’m back home, and the darkness has followed me back here, too.
I can’t watch this. I can’t watch the girl I admire so profoundly die.
Grim is working compressions on her, using all his strength to keep her alive.
I wish it were me holding her instead; I let that thought go as quickly as it came; she’s Grim’s girl.
If she survives.
She has to survive.
Grim looks like he’s lost his damn mind.
Every compression he makes on Ari’s body has me wincing. His strength never wanes as he tries to get her heart beating again. He has to push on her chest with so much force that her bones almost break; it’s the only way.
He’s desperate to revive her; I am desperate for him to revive her.
I’ve never seen Grim so out of control before. He’s always calm, collected, and composed. Lethal and dangerous.
I’ve never even thought the man could cry, as a tear falls down his face and lands on Ari’s cheek.
His voice cracks as he repeats the same four sorrowful words repeatedly.
“Don’t fall asleep, baby.”
“Don’t fall asleep, baby.”
“Don’t fall asleep, baby.”
I repeat the words in my head, needing her to hear them, to listen to Grim, to listen to us.
His pleas for her to stay, to not leave him, caused an ache in my chest. She can’t leave me either.
He keeps begging for her to wake up as if he can hear her, but Ari is too far gone.
I can’t see how she or the baby will live through the night; nobody could survive that amount of blood loss.
I hadn’t noticed I was crying until I blinked and felt the familiar warmth rolling down my cheeks.
Tears fall out of my eyes while I’m trying to contain Ari’s mother as she consistently tries to grab her daughter. Meanwhile, also making sure Nora stays the fuck put.
Movement catches my peripheral, but Nora doesn’t try it. I’m so grateful for small mercies; I don’t think I could contain them both at the moment.
My attention goes back to the woman of my dreams, her boyfriend’s frantic compressions, the only motion coming from her lifeless body.
We all have the proper training to do this.
Suddenly, that’s when I see something I can’t quite explain from his profile. His eyes look like they flash a dark color, and I’m confused. Maybe the tears in my eyes are obstructing my vision, but I swear all I see is Grim’s favorite color…black.
I try to get a better look at Grim, study him, questioning the need for glasses, or is the shock making me delusional? Then Ari’s mom slaps my chest, deterring my vision from Grim to her.
“Sueltame! Let me go!”
She curses at me in Spanish.
“Lo siento, Señora.” I sigh as I tell her no, turning back to Grim, as he puts his fingers to Ari’s neck, feeling for a pulse. He’s hovering over her body, his face close to hers, as he releases a heavy exhale, as if he’s been holding his breath this entire time.
“She’s alive; she’s breathing,” he croaks out in a raspy voice.
I squint at him, trying to figure out what the fuck I just saw.
The door explodes open, footsteps thud, and everyone shouts. Paramedics rush through the door, followed by what looks like the entire police force.
They run toward Danny and, sure enough, they recognize Grim and I. A lot of the police officers are veterans themselves.
My captive on the other side of the room seems to think now is an excellent time to make her escape. It’s almost enough to make me crack a smile.
No way in hell.
“Ma’am, stop running!” The police officers turn toward her, guns raised, shouting at her to stop. Two men tackle her to the ground before she’s even across the room.
I’m not surprised they caught up to her quickly.
“Sueltame!” I whip my head back to Ari’s mother as she slaps me across the face. Fuck.
My cheek burns from the collision as I finally release Ari’s hysteric mother, stumbling away, and she runs to the paramedics working on her daughter.
They’ve got Ari on a stretcher; her mother backed off enough for them to do so.
The situation looks safer.
“Mi hija, ayudenla, por favor!” Mrs. Alvarez screams at the paramedics to save her daughter.
I can’t believe this shit is happening.
I look toward Grim, his silence eerie throughout these past few moments. He studies one particular police officer, the look on his face making me nervous for the poor man.
His eyes burn holes into his name tag, and that’s when I witness his transition into the side of him I only see on missions.
He grabs the police officer by the collar, towering over him, the veins in his hands protruding with wrath.
“You were the officer that was supposed to protect her. You were supposed to be working on this case, yet you did nothing about it.”
Grim growls, his nostrils flaring, and it looks like he’s about to commit his second murder of the day.
That’s when I see it–-red–so much red, seeping through the navy blue shirt plastered to Grim’s chest.
This man’s threshold for pain was impressive, yet unbelievable.
He stands there as if it were just another normal day. The lengths he’d go through for Ari were admirable, yet frightening.
“Grim!”
I snap him out of his blinded rage and his strangulation of the officer’s neck. The poor guy shakes underneath his grasp, and his fear paralyzes his words to call for some assistance and salvation from his co-workers.
He won’t find any.
Unsurprisingly, none of them try to intervene and spare his impending doom from Grim, and it’s because Danny Rider will always have the upper hand. These men served their time in the military; their unwavering respect and his prestigious reputation mean they won’t stop him from dulling out justice. He was a hero in the eyes of the United States and even more so here in Bloomings.
Grim looks at me, his glare sending waves of fury in my way.
“You’re hurt, bro. Don’t you feel it?” I point to my chest, then to his, trying to get him to look down and see where Shane stabbed him.
There’s a tear in his shirt and a dark stain that trails to his waist.
I sway as reality and memory clash together.
The last time I saw him bleed like this is still fresh in my mind. The night we rescued Violet Redd, the grenade blast…he was fine; at least, he acted as if he were fine. I didn’t notice until we flew back in the Chinook afterward. Red covered the back of his uniform as he bled from the shrapnel lodged in there.
I shake my head as I try to return to reality. The trauma of our shared past caught up to me in my moment of weakness.
He looks at his chest and blinks. If I thought I was covered in blood, Danny was showered in it.
“Sir, we need to get you treated.” A paramedic surveys his wound and then gestures for Grim to follow him out of the house. He searches Grim for more injuries, worry clear in his eyes.
“I’m fine,” he growls, finally letting go of the trembling police officer. The latter staggers back before he recollects himself and looks at Shane worriedly. He glances down at Shane’s dead body before turning to Grim.
He wants to say something but grows more afraid and refrains.
Grim’s eyes soften when he glances back at Ari, and pure agony spreads through his features. Two paramedics secure her onto the gurney.
“She’s pregnant,” he rasps. The paramedics stop moving any further, letting the information sink in.
“We’ll do everything that we can. Are you the father?” a female paramedic asks him as she tries to keep a professional stature.
“Yes.” He grabs Ari’s hand, watching her with an intense expression of devotion. He narrows his brows as he intertwines his fingers with her lifeless ones. He firmly squeezes her hand and his eyebrows narrow, as if he’s begging for her to squeeze his back.
“Help them, now,” Grim demands.
“Come with us.”
Danny walks next to the staff. His eyes never leave her, even though she’s still asleep. I watch him, watch her, and I know he is ruined by her. The man is head over heels in love. The one man we all thought wasn’t capable of giving himself to anyone. Ari has completely done him in for.
Her mother follows, too, and they go outside, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I’m still inside the house and I feel like I’m going into some sort of shock.
I turn around to see Shane dead on the floor as police start their investigation. He’s beaten to death, and Nora gets strolled away by two male cops in handcuffs. One cop on each side of her keeps their grip tight on her as they relay the Miranda rights. Nora is seething and I glare at her the entire time.
Pure evil motherfuckers.
Hurt people who have completely lost their way.
“Mind telling me what the fuck happened here? My partners are already getting Grim’s statement, but I want to hear your side of the story.”
I look at my hands, ignoring the police officer. They’re covered in Ari’s blood. It’s dry already but still feels like the horror will be forever tattooed on my hands. I won’t ever be able to look at my hands the same, knowing what just happened.
I need to be at the hospital. I need to be there when she wakes up, but I can’t. Grim will see right through me and then…our friendship will be over.
Finally, I meet the older cop’s eyes. His dark browns pierce through me, desperate to know my response. Wrinkles all over his face, his gut protrudes over his belt, and I try to speak, but I can’t. Nothing comes out. All I can think about is Ari. How the fuck does he want me to speak right now?
“Son?” he asks again, and my brows arch. He repeats his question, and I can’t find the strength to answer.
I swallow the tension I have in my heart. Watching my favorite nurse, not smiling, not talking, or moving…it did something to me.
Screw this, I can’t hold back anymore. I won’t hold back what I feel for her anymore. She might die and I refuse to lie to myself anymore. I love the girl. I love…her.
Always have.
She’s with Grim, but I don’t care. I’ve been patient and understanding and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. It’s only gotten me in a shit place where I get to watch my best friend be consumed by her…
I’m done watching someone have the life I want with Ari.
I’m going to chase this feeling before it’s too late.
“Hello? Mr. Slaughter?”
I blink fast, irritated. I take a deep breath to let all of my intrusive thoughts go to rest. My fists unclench, and I can finally gather myself and stop the spinning that’s inside my head.
“Sorry…where do I start?”
After being questioned by cops, they cleared Grim, Ari’s mother, and me of any wrongdoing. It’s almost midnight but I feel like I just woke up.
I stand in Ari’s bedroom, looking at everything. It’s decorated light and airy, like her personality. I feel like I’m intruding on her personal space, but I can’t go to the hospital without showing my true feelings in public. If she wakes up, I need to tell her everything in private. So, for now, being in her bedroom is the closest I can get to her. I’ll take it.
I can’t be there for her just yet.
Staying here makes me feel like I’m with her, even though I’m not really with her.
I can’t talk. I can’t move. The only thing I can do is breathe and watch my phone for updates.
Grim texted me after I blew up his phone for Ari’s status.
Finally, after a few hours, he answered, letting me know she’s stable, but nothing else.
Relief cools the fire of hatred and anxiety I feel from the broken, worried possibility of never seeing her beautiful smile again.
I asked about their baby, but he hasn’t responded.
It kills me not knowing what’s happening to them.
I don’t care if her baby is Grim’s. If it doesn’t work out with him, I would gladly take over and love her child like my own.
Grim is always gone. I’m about to get out of the Navy in a couple of months.
He’s always been a selfish man, but I can see that he is slowly changing to be more for her…and I don’t like it. It’s selfish of me to not want him to be a better version of himself. He’s changing to be more for her because that’s what she deserves.
Still, I want it to be me.
I finally walk out of her bedroom fast.
I just need some fucking sleep…
Lopez will be giving me a ride back to my house. It’s dark when I close her door.
A strong breeze refreshes the heat on my skin. It’s getting colder. It’s fall heading into winter.
I’ve been there since the beginning and yet Danny has the most incredible privilege to have kissed her… Feel her. Take her.
I slide into the car, slamming the door.
“Fuck, man, you’re covered in blood… Is that—”
“Ari’s blood?” I intervene for him, looking at him, aggravated.
He stills, looking at my face and then my hands, probably picturing what we went through.
“Yes,” I finish, clicking on my seat belt.
He clears his throat awkwardly and reverses his car. Streetlights and porch lights flash and disappear across our faces as we drive away.
“What the fuck happened, man? How is she doing?”
I shake my head, looking at Ari’s Bronco as he gets closer to the end of the street.
“I don’t know.”
The day I met her still feels fresh in my mind, like it was yesterday. I can’t help it, but my mind drifts to the first day I laid eyes on her, knowing it felt forbidden.
December – The Day of Paul’s Funeral
Bloomings, North Carolina
“This doesn’t feel real,” I rasp. My throat feels like there’s a rock inside. No matter how many times I try to swallow it down, it’s there, threatening to break me.
Paul is dead, and they finished putting him under the ground. I don’t want to accept that we’re burying one of our closest friends. It hurts so fucking much and to see the way everyone is taking his loss hurts me even more.
Two women sit by the closed casket. In my heart, I feel that Paul’s girls, mother, and sister are the closest to it. I know it’s them because they haven’t stopped crying and they have the same long black hair. It’s a different color than Paul’s. Even so, I know it’s them.
His mother holds onto the American flag presented to them by the Honor Guard. She’s squeezing it tight underneath her knuckles while his little sister has her hands over her shoulder, soothing her. She’s comforting her mother, who has lost her only son.
I’m sweating even though it’s fucking cold. It’s the middle of December and still, with the harsh, freezing winds, it isn’t enough for my body to adapt. My emotions always get the best of me and I’m hot.
I feel defeated because I’ve never been the type to hold in my emotions.
Do I really want to keep doing this job? Do I really want to go to more funerals or end up attending my own, cold and dead, in my casket?
Rooker and Grim are both leaning on Grim’s all-black F-250 truck. Grim has been drinking, training in the gym, and sharpening his shooting skills at the gun range since Paul died and hasn’t been able to stop. Rooker has been doing the same thing except for drinking. Even though he’s been heavily tempted to, his old lady won’t let him.
While I’ve been playing soccer and getting lost in books, with a hint of liquor.
Grim has his hands in his pockets, and he’s devastated…and he’s hurting. He won’t show it, but I’m his best friend. Paul was Grim’s best friend, but Grim is mine. When I showed up as the new guy on the team a few years ago, he was cold and it felt like he wanted nothing to do with the new guy on the team.
Eventually, we grew close after a couple of deployments and barbecues at Rooker’s house and he’s taught me everything he knows.
I know when he’s hurting. He’s been different since the night Paul passed, and I don’t blame him.
Grim fucking Reaper is what everyone calls him. He’s the team leader, and we all have faith in the Navy’s most merciless, dangerous asset. The most distinguished and secretive team in the military is led by my boss. Operator Grim is the number one special operator.
It’s a team assembled by selecting only the best of the best Navy SEALs, and Daniel Rider was chosen to be in the most stressful position any SEAL can be in.
We all have shed our sweat, blood, and tears and given up any chance at a normal everyday life at home. As long as we’re special operators, it’ll be anything but ordinary.
Fuck, I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take.
“I’ve gotta go home. Noel wants me home before dinner so I can help her put our twins to sleep.”
Despite Rooker being home for such a short amount of time, he’s been disconnected from his family. He’s been with Grim and me, ensuring we’re not going to try to kill ourselves from a traumatic mission that killed Paul. I don’t blame him. Sometimes, I regret choosing this as my career, and killing myself seems like an easy way out. Still, I couldn’t do that to my parents.
Death can take any of us whenever it’d like, and we’re flirting with the damn dark force whenever a deployment comes around and I’m pretty damn sure I’m not ready to wine and dine Death just yet.
“Danny?” Rooker interrupts Grim’s intense trance. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard Rooker call Grim by his first name.
He doesn’t respond, but he looks at Rooker with stressed, puffy red eyes bleeding with sadness. He lifts his head, acknowledging him with a quick nod.
“Call me if you need anything,” Rooker tells him while searching for his car keys in his pockets.
Danny turns away from him, grabbing a cigarette out of his pocket.
“I’m fine. Go home to your wife, rest, and spend time with your girls. I’m sure it won’t be long until we’re back on another mission.” He lights a cigarette, and my heart drops at the mention of another deployment.
Another fucking deployment?
We just got back home.
Rooker walks away to find his car in the parking lot.
Grim’s phone rings. He reaches into his pocket and sighs as he looks at the screensaver.
“Hello?” his deep voice responds professionally.
I look back at the crowd disappearing, and everyone who attended the service is now leaving.
“Yes, sir, I’m on my way. I can be there in thirty minutes.”
Grim hangs up and turns to me with a stern look on his face. He wants to say something; I know it, but Grim never says much. He’s quiet. He’s always been that way, never truly shows emotions, and that’s what makes him the most dangerous out of all of us. He’s been in the Navy for so long that he’s probably desensitized to feeling anything. He most likely can’t feel shit, and I don’t blame him.
“Admiral Ravenmore and other higher-ups called me in.”
He’s still like he’s frozen, and he’s staring at Paul’s tombstone. He doesn’t want to leave.
“Do they need us all to go in?” I ask.
He shakes his head, clenching his jaw.
“Hey man, just go. They’ve put him under already. Service is over,” I encourage him.
“That’s not it.” He puts out his cigarette under his boot. “I feel like I need to say something to his family, and I just can’t fucking find the words.”
I nod, looking at the ground.
“No matter what you say, they won’t like it,” I murmur through heavy breaths, shrugging my shoulder.
He has every right to feel like he’s at fault.
That mission haunts me. I can’t imagine Grim.
When I reached Grim that night in Iraq, he was with Paul until he took his last breath.
He starts popping his knuckles and shakes his head.
“Let me know if you need anything, brother. I’m here for you,” he tells me while unlocking his truck.
“And we’re all here for each other,” I finish for him, and for the first time in a while, he smirks.
It’s a saying we all tell each other when shit gets rough and I’m glad it helped Grim feel a bit of relief.
He looks at the tombstone one last time and hops into his black truck.
Paul’s mother was walking away with some family members comforting her, while his sister remained seated.
I’m hesitant to walk over, but I’m a bleeding heart and I can’t help it.
Every stride on the ground has my heart pounding through my chest, and I can feel my deodorant wearing off from all the damn sweating.
I get closer to Paul’s grieving sister and stand beside her with my hands in my pockets. She doesn’t notice me standing in front of a smiling portrait of Paul, but oh, how I notice her.
She’s fucking beautiful.
She’s beautiful…and holy shit. Now I fully understand why Paul has kept her a secret from us.
I don’t know her, but I’ll give up everything I thought I loved to know everything about her.
“Paul Alvarez was a great man. I’m going to miss him.” My voice comes out soft and welcoming.
Startled, she gazes at me as tears stream down her face. She quickly wipes them away like she’s embarrassed. Her eyes trail to my chest, and she stares at the Navy trident with such hatred, but it doesn’t bother me.
“Don’t talk about him like that. Like you know him. You don’t know him; you know nothing about my brother.”
She’s harsh and unforgiving, but it only intrigues me more.
“He was the best damn guitarist I’ve ever known. You could request any Mana song and he would play it for you. He also snored like a fifty-year-old man when he racked out and everyone knew to stay away from him when he ate something with dairy. Those farts of his were deadly.” I scrunch my nose. It’s my lame attempt to charm her.
She stops fiddling with the tissues in her hands and goes still. Her expression mellows as she looks at me, but she holds back a smile by biting her lip. She lets out a short laugh that almost sounds like a scoff.
I reach out for her hand to shake it.
“Kane Slaughter.”
Her smile fades away quickly, and for a second there, I think she is going to slap my hand away or throw curse words my way…but she doesn’t.
Finally, she takes my hand in hers and says in the sweetest, most angelic voice that makes me feel like I’m in definite trouble, “Ari Alvarez.”
