The rest of the night, I stayed close to Violet. Meredith has been giving me a cold shoulder lately to the point where she didn’t acknowledge me the entire time I was here.
I would sneak glances at my best friend every so often to see if she could sense my desperation to make amends for an unknown cause. I replayed every conversation and text with her, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong.
She hovered over Kane, kissing his neck and cheek with desperate need, with her hands constantly traveling all over his body and groin.
Kane looked amused and yet standoffish at the same time.
Occasionally, I looked for Danny. At one moment, I found three women walking up to him as the event went on, star-struck and flushed. The way they looked at him was apparent in their intention with him. But each time, he looked uninterested, and eventually, they got the message, leaving him alone. The last one put her hand on his biceps, wide-eyed and curious. I found myself hitching a breath and tore my eyes away from them, gripping my sangria tight in my hands. Seconds later, the woman stomped off, disappointed. I’m guessing whatever she was trying to do with Danny didn’t go the way she wanted it to. He didn’t even look their way, once.
Yet Kane and Danny continued to peer at me over their drinks or shoulders the entire night.
From what I could tell, he had only one glass of his favorite whiskey and didn’t drink for the rest of the night. He sat beside Rooker and Noel the entire time, lost in conversation but looking relaxed.
And that made me feel good knowing he was okay.
“Oh no, here come the drunken toasts and awards,” Violet whispers as everyone begins to riot excitedly, banging their fists on the table and whistling as Admiral Ravenmore wheels out a table.
It has a massive bowl with smoke lingering, hovering over it like a halo, hiding what’s inside.
Dry ice.
“What’s that?” I furrow my eyebrows, amused. I smirk as I watch everyone continue to yell out in anticipation.
Violet was not kidding about these men acting like children after several hours of drinking.
“It’s a bowl full of different drinks from each service member’s favorite. A different sailor gets called up, makes a speech, then dumps it in.”
“That’s funny. It has to taste bad.” I scrunch my nose in playful disgust.
After about seven sailors make drunken speeches, Lopez walks up to the bowl, takes the cap off a bottle of tequila, and dumps it in.
“There isn’t any other place I’d rather be but here, serving alongside my brothers.” He takes a big gulp from the bottle and sighs, wiping off the rest from his lips, before he walks off from the center of the ballroom, retreating next to Kane and Meredith.
Short, simple, and thorough.
“Chief Petty Officer, Danny Rider. Get the fuck up here. The fearless, Grim fucking Reaper!”
Everyone chants, whistles, clapping their hands, some even banging their fists on the table.
“Grim Reaper!”
“Grim Reaper!”
From the side, Danny stands up from the table he shares with Rooker and heads for the center of the room. I dip my head at my cross necklace. Twirling it into my fingertips, trying my best not to rush out of the building. But the attraction I have for Danny will always prevail, no matter where we stand in our relationship. He will always be that magnetic force calling my name. I look back at him, my bottom lip trapped underneath my teeth as I try to let my bangs hide where my eyes are glued.
Danny twists the Jack Daniels’ cap open. The Admiral handed his bottle to Danny so he could pour it in. He hangs it open on top of the bowl with hesitation, watching the smoke swirl around the bowl, and he smirks, shaking his head.
“Fearless…” he trails off. “That’s where you’re wrong, sir.” His voice raises the Admiral’s eyebrows, and everyone grows quiet as if they don’t want to miss a word that Danny has to say.
“I’m not fearless.” His jaw ticks off and on. “Last year, I wouldn’t disagree with you.” Admiral Ravenmore pats him on the shoulder with a hard smack in a brotherly fashion, and he looks at him with a softened gaze of understanding.
“But I just found something that scares the living shit out of me.” His blue eyes search the crowd, and they land on me.
His hardened gaze stares into my soul intimidatingly, and I can’t breathe.
“I’m scared of losing the ones I love most.” His jaw bites down, twitching with narrowed eyes, and then he looks away and my heart chips.
Is he talking about me?
“At first, I didn’t understand fear, didn’t feel it, didn’t care for it, and I was proud of that.” He swallows.
“But someone taught me the realness behind an emotion I’ve managed to avoid my entire life.” He looks at me again, licking his lips. “Now I know it’s not a weakness, but a strength. It’s a fucking strength to fear you might lose the ones you love most because it makes you want to fight that much harder.”
“HOOYAH!” everyone roars in agreement.
“I’m not good at these things. I’m not good at words.” He readjusts the bottle in his hand, watching the dry ice smoke flow out constantly.
“I’m surprised I even showed up tonight, if I’m being honest.”
Danny smiles.
“So here’s to Paul Alvarez. Our fallen brother, my best friend.” I blink through my blurred vision at the mention of my brother’s name.
“And to fear. Here’s to being scared. Because it is not a weakness…” He looks at me again before breaking his intense gaze and looking at his team instead. “But a fucking strength,” he roars, emptying the whiskey into the bowl.
Everyone erupts in cheer and whistles while the Admiral throws his arm over Danny’s shoulder.
Almost every sailor in this room stands up, and I’ve lost sight of Danny because of it.
I’ve been pushing away the madness that has overshadowed everything good. I want everything to return to how it was when we were in Iraq. Everything was complicated, but he made it feel simple after we both caved in.
And now?
Will it ever go back to the way it was?
I want to go back in time. I want something simple.
“Ari, you okay?”
I freeze quickly, wiping away the tears that escaped me. Tears I didn’t even know I was shedding. Violet places her hand on mine.
Zeke looks at me with curiosity flashing in his eyes before he grants me privacy, pretending he didn’t just see me.
I refuse to let my emotions dampen her last night here.
Screw this.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Everything is good. I’m just going to get some fresh air. It’s a little stuffy in here, but I’ll be back.” I wipe under my eyes, praying my mascara doesn’t run.
“Okay, if you say so. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“Of course.” I nod with a lie of a smile.
I refuse to bother her with my problems. I want her to have a good time.
It’s the best time to leave because everyone has stood up, gathering around the bowl, drinking, and howling like a bachelor/college party.
I sigh, trying to calm myself down, but Danny’s speech, the flashback of Iraq, my brother in his coffin, my baby, makes it hard.
I’m having trouble.
I don’t need anything complicated right now. I shouldn’t want anything complicated.
Because I want Danny, all of him, but I need to see that he wants me back, with no secrets.
I stand, walking fast, bumping into sailor after sailor until I make it through a clearing.
Sweat begins to coat my chest, and I just need to fucking breathe.
I see a glass door giving me a clear view of a fenced-in porch with snow collecting on the pillars.
I push it open desperately, flinging it open. I stumble out, tripping over my heels.
My head is buzzing. My vision begins to blur.
Damn it, the alcohol has finally caught up. I’m a lightweight, so it doesn’t surprise me when my whole body grows warm and slow.
The cold air hits me when I look at my surroundings. The night sky is littered with clouds, but it’s a crescent moon that catches my attention. It glows, and I lose myself, letting my thoughts take over.
I need to go home. I don’t want to be here if I’m going to be a downer.
I’m alone, just like I wanted. I should go home. Maybe I can sneak away and call an Uber. I twirl my cross necklace, as I watch the snow continue to fall around me. Thick patches of snow lay on top of the wood. I lean on my forearm…wondering why the hell I didn’t grab my coat on the way out.
Then I hear the door open and slight music with drunken men’s chatter escape, and I know I’m not alone anymore. Someone else or another couple has also stepped outside, trying to get away from the madness.
“Aren’t you cold?”
I turn around to that familiar sunshine voice.
Kane.
I lean against the porch, palming it for balance.
I’m really drunk. This can’t be good.
“Kane,” I greet him with a soft smile before looking away. My heart sinks when I realize it’s not Danny. “I think I just need to be alone. At least for a few minutes before I go back inside.” I turn away, my open back facing him again, and I watch white clouds of air escape from my lips as I breathe.
“Is something wrong?” He steps closer, and I shake my head, closing my eyes, still not facing him. The only thing I feel is the snow that bites my fingers.
“No, I’m okay. I just need to be alone.”
“No, something’s wrong. I’m not leaving until you tell me.” His deep voice rumbles with concern.
“I’m fine!” I look at the sunshine operator to my right, crossing my arms, growing colder by the second. I force a smile at him through teary eyes.
His black hair has loose strands that fall over his forehead, and his dark eyes look for mine, but I turn away from him, not wanting him to read me so quickly.
“Ari, I know you’re not fine.”
“Okay, you win. I’m not.” I shrug aggressively, defeated. I still can’t look at him because I’m tired of people seeing me like this.
Shivers run up my spine as a gush of crisp air hits my open back.
It’s so fucking cold out here.
“I know something that might make you feel better. Maybe with the right person.”
I roll my eyes, sighing before I turn to him.
“Right person? What? What could make me feel better after this fucked up year I’ve had?”
I stare at him with doubt, and I find him with his hands deep into the pockets of his uniform.
He’s breathing fast, and his dark blue eyes soften with patience.
But he doesn’t say anything as I wait.
Then he makes a move. A move I never expected someone like him to do.
“Fuck it,” Kane closes the distance and kisses me aggressively, cupping my cheeks in both hands, forcing himself on me. My eyes bulge when I taste the vodka on his tongue as he kisses me. He must be drunk. Then he bites my lip harder than Danny ever has, cutting deep.
He’s never overstepped. He’s always been so gentlemanly. The type of man that always asks for consent.
I push him away hard. I can’t believe he did that.
“Kane, no! Stop this! What has gotten into you?” I stumble backward, creating space between us. “You’re with Meredith!” I yell, touching my bleeding lip. “This is wrong!”
“Fuck, Ari. I’m sorry. But I’m done hiding.” He grips the railing tight, looking at me with determination, rocking on his feet. “I want you. I’ve wanted you since the day we met. I can’t do this anymore. I know it’s wrong. But fuck it, I don’t care.”
“You should care, Kane! Look. I love you—” His lips curve slightly with hope.
“I fucking love you, too.”
“But…” I lick the blood off my lips, tasting metallic. “Thank you for last night. You’ve always been there, and I never truly saw you before. But I see you. I do. You’re warm. You’re good. You’re safe. But I don’t want safe. I want…” My head moves from side to side, unable to finish my sentence.
My unhinged, frustrating jerk.
Even though Danny also makes me feel safe, he pushes me to overcome every battle I fight on my own. He moves me beyond my limitations, and when I feel like I’m there, he’ll push me even more.
“And now it’s my turn to say this, and I’m only going to say it once.” I touch my lips with my fingers.
I soften my gaze after closing my eyes tight.
“It’ll always be Danny,” I confess, and Kane’s whole demeanor drops with disappointment.
“Maybe,” he grits.
I open my mouth to say more, but my heart drops when someone clears their throat.
