I’m staring at the food my mother just prepared while the sounds of spoons colliding with plates are the only thing that fills the tension in the room.
It’s one of my favorite dishes tonight. My mom made it, hoping it would get me to eat.
Albondigas.
Meatball soup with red rice and potatoes.
All I can do is stare at the reddish soup, watching the heat seep into the air above from how freshly cooked it is. It smells incredibly appetizing, but the misery I feel stops me from enjoying anything anymore.
I can’t keep my eyes off my plate. My stomach growls, and saliva fills my mouth, but why can’t I move? Why can’t I eat these days or have an appetite?
It’s because…I’m too broken.
My baby should be kicking excitedly as the smell of dinner fills my nostrils. I should feel some signal in my stomach from my baby dancing, eager to eat with kicks against my flesh, but…nothing, and it makes me angry. I tighten my hold on the spoon, staring at the meatballs, unable to blink.
Sometimes, I feel like I have phantom kicks, but then reality sets in, and I want to scream.
We’re in my small dining room area in front of my kitchen. I moved straight into my new home I had applied to before Danny got back home. When I confessed my pregnancy to my mother, I also applied for houses to rent that day.
When I left the hospital, I spent the first few nights at my mother’s house, too afraid to leave her by herself until it was time to move into my small cottage home.
It was time for me to set boundaries with my mother.
Danny and my mother have been spending more time together recently, and it comforted me knowing they’re creating a relationship. They never got a chance to get to know one another.
“Mija, your food is going to get cold. You need to eat.” My mom looks up from her seat with a spoonful of red rice in her hands an inch from her mouth.
She looks at me, up and down, as if she’s waiting for me to fall apart on the table.
I’m empty but agitated. I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for my mother’s help the past few weeks, but my anxiety and depression won’t let me eat, and it’s pissing me off. I can’t eat like I used to. It frustrates me, just like it frustrates her.
She gives me a look of concern. Danny wipes his mouth with a napkin, and I know he can sense my unease.
He clears his throat before putting the napkin down next to his bowl of soup.
“Wow, Mrs. Alvarez, you’ve truly outdone yourself. This is my first time eating something like this, I might just finish the rest of what’s left in that pot.” He distracts her with a charming smile and stops her from continuing to hover over me, and I shoot him a grateful smile.
She shifts in her seat, quirks her brows at him, and laughs.
“I wouldn’t doubt it. You’re a big guy. Almost like mi hijo, Paul. My son was very tall. He took after his father in that way.” She puts another spoonful of a meatball into her mouth as she reminisces about Paul. I grimace internally at the mention of my father.
Then my heart sinks at the mention of the two men that no longer inhabit my life.
Will I ever be able to move on from not having my best friend?
“Please, call me Karolina,” she tells him and then swallows her food.
I take a deep breath as the loneliness slithers into my stomach, and I’m tempted to go back into my room and just lie there until I cry myself to sleep.
I sleep with Danny’s gifts in my hands every night. The same gifts thrown to the floor when he rescued me from Shane and Nora. The newborn onesie he tried to surprise me with before I got attacked.
I hold a cherished onesie tightly in my hands as I drift off to sleep. The shoes that Kane bought sit on my nightstand…they are the last things I see before I let the darkness take over me.
Every. Single. Night.
These past few weeks have been hell. I’m still trying to get all of my stuff moved in while I battle my issues. With the help of his team, Danny has moved most of my things. I’m grateful for Kane, Lopez, and Rooker. Danny was not happy when he found out I was going to move into my own place. He wanted me to move in to his house instead and even offered to pay for the rent until the contract was over. But I refused, and he respected my decision.
I haven’t been able to smile in a long time; it feels like forever.
I don’t want to be around anyone until I’m ready. I stayed away even though his team helped out, I would leave the house with my mom. I haven’t seen them since before I was attacked. I’ve kept myself hidden from anyone who wasn’t Danny or my mom. I haven’t seen my friends or any of my other family members.
“Thank you, Mom, for coming over and making us dinner.” I force myself to take a bite of food. I do it for her because if I don’t show her I’m capable of eating, she won’t leave. I refuse to let her worry about her remaining child. It isn’t healthy for a woman in her fifties to worry non-stop.
Fake my strength for her again… I have to.
“Yes, thank you, Karolina. We both appreciate your help. Mexican food has always been my favorite,” Danny says as he finishes the last bite on his plate. “This Horchata is amazing. Please show us how to make it.” He reaches for the sweet cinnamon drink and holds it to his lips.
Horchata is one of my favorite drinks.
“Oh, Ari knows how to make it,” she exclaims with a big smile, looking at me proudly. “Do you know I’ve taught her every recipe I know since she was a child?”
I’ve always looked up to my mother.
“Really? I knew I liked her.” He winks at me, his blue eyes meeting mine as he drinks. He’s trying to cheer me up, and it does for a split second. His magnetic charm makes it hard to deny him anything.
A blip of fire consumes me when he gives me a comforting smile.
The ends of my mouth curve slightly, returning his warmth. I appreciate the effort my boyfriend and mother are making to help me feel better, but I want to be alone. Even though I know it’ll just be more damaging to myself in the end.
Still, I want to process this alone.
“So, when do you go back to work? I understand that you’re in special operations, just like my Paul was. You were close friends with him, but we never saw you around.” My mother shifts the mood quickly. It almost sounds like a scolding, and I grow tense at how intrusive she’s become.
My eyebrows raise as I catch onto her. I know what she’s doing. She’s going full mama bear on him, bombarding him with questions since they never properly got to know one another.
I came back from Iraq, pregnant, and she has the right to question him as if he’s a threat to my future, but I trust Danny and can make my own choices.
“Mama, por favor,” I denounce her respectfully. I chew faster before I swallow.
She looks at me with an innocent expression, shrugging her shoulders like she doesn’t understand why I would be upset, but she knows she’s prying hard. I don’t want Danny to feel uncomfortable.
“It’s okay, Ari.” He rubs his beard, and I know bringing up Paul only brings him pain, but he’s very good at not showing his emotions. This time, he doesn’t stiffen at the mention of my brother. He’s relaxed, and that is something new.
“Yes, I’ll be going back to work soon. I’m a SEAL, just like Paul was.” He looks at my mother, and he’s stony-faced but not upset.
“I will forever owe you an apology for not sharing my condolences with you when he died. There’s no excuse for that, so I won’t try to give you one. Usually…” He clears his throat, getting lost in his memories. “Paul would come to my house or Kane’s. We’re also on different teams, ma’am, so sometimes when I’m home, he probably wasn’t. Or we would both be deployed at the same time.”
My mom relaxes her shoulders.
“Yes, my son was always busy.”
“I didn’t know who Ari was. I knew he had his mother and sister waiting for him at home…but Paul was very private about his life, like I am with mine. We both had that in common.”
My mom grabs his hand, giving him a comforting squeeze for a couple of seconds and then lets go.
“This year has been tough for Ari and I…with Shane…the baby…” she breathes out before grabbing another spoonful of soup.
I can’t take it. I don’t want to talk about how much this year has changed me in good and bad ways. I can feel my frustration and anger as the events of losing my baby and almost dying flood my mind like a hurricane.
The mention of my baby hits me like a lightning strike of dread. I will not pretend that I’m okay anymore tonight.
I’m not.
I stand from my chair, grabbing my plate and spoon. Scrambling to get away from everyone. I can feel Danny and my mom watching my back as I stomp away. The last thing I saw was Danny at a loss for words, and he broke his gaze and looked at the table instead.
“Ari Natalia! Finish your dinner,” my mother scolds me, her eyes widening with authority.
I’ve already made my way to the kitchen, stopping in front of the sink. I’m not turning back now.
“Estoy cansada,” I tell her I’m tired, tightening my grip on my spoon right before I drop it into the sink. I retreat to my bedroom, opening the door slowly, and I can feel an anxiety attack rising more and more.
I remove my clothes, replacing them with an all-black pajama set—a short sleeve with shorts. I can hear Danny and my mother’s voice, but it’s muffled and I can’t quite hear what exactly they’re talking about.
It’s only seven at night. I have no motivation to do anything. I lost my baby.
What am I supposed to do now? Move on?
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
I grab the newborn onesie from my bed like I always do before I toss the blankets over me.
Scrunching it into my hands tight, I settle into my pillow on my side and stare at the cute unisex newborn shoes Kane got.
He has always been there for me, although I haven’t seen him since I was attacked. Danny’s and Kane’s faces hovering over me were the last moments I remember before I passed out unwillingly.
Fuck Shane. And Fuck Nora.
Fuck. Everything.
Finally…my breathing evens out, an anchor of numbness replaces my anxiety, and I’m slowly blinking into a slumber of drowning sleep as my pillow grows wet with tears.
