I’M face down on the couch in the living room when whispering disturbs my wallowing.
I look up, finding JJ, Henry, and Robbie each cradling a cup of coffee in their hands, muttering between themselves like old women at a bingo hall. “What?” I grunt.
“Has she dumped you?” JJ says, breaking away from the mother’s meeting to sit down in the chair across from me.
“No?” I snap, moving to sit up properly on the sofa, since apparently, this is about to be a house discussion. I knew I should have stayed in my fucking room out of the way, but the gym kicked my ass this morning, and I couldn’t face climbing the stairs.
JJ puts his mug down on the coffee table and holds up his hands defensively. “All right, don’t cry,” he says sarcastically. “If she didn’t dump you, why are you so fucking miserable?”
Henry throws himself down next to me, shooting me a half-suspicious, half-sympathetic look, and Robbie appears seconds later, with a mug of coffee for me.
I definitely feel like I’ve been ambushed, but I suppose I should feel grateful that I’ve got friends that give a shit when I’m clearly in a bad mood. Sinking into the couch, sighing heavily, I down my coffee to drag the time, because where do I fucking start.
“She says I’m not listening to her. She’s upset with me, but she’s also incredibly understanding when I’m being a prick, which makes me feel worse. And I miss her.”
“But you’re not listening to her, so surely you’re not surprised she’s upset?” Robbie says bluntly.
“I am!” I insist. “I’m hearing her loud and fucking clear that she’s giving that shithouse another chance. I listened when she said she was moving out. I listened when she said she was going to fucking couples therapy with him.”
“For someone so smart, you really are a fucking mooncalf sometimes, Hawkins,” JJ says, shaking his head at me, his normal mischievous grin nowhere to be seen. For once, he’s being totally serious. “She’s the most determined person I know. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that she’s going to get everything she wants in life because she’s willing to make sacrifices. What would have happened if you didn’t get drafted?”
“I—”
“Nah, don’t give me a bullshit answer.” He laughs. “You’d have used your trust fund to do absolutely whatever you wanted, and for good measure, you’ve got the family business to fall back on. Stassie doesn’t have a trust fund. She doesn’t have a family business. If she doesn’t make it in skating, she’s probably going to be stuck teaching or worse, in a job she fucking hates.”
“Why are you giving me a lecture on my own girlfriend, Johal?”
“Because you’re only looking at the now and you’re being fucking selfish! She can’t be a pair skater without a pair. She’s being smart, Nate. She’s using Aaron to achieve her goals because she doesn’t have another option. You should be proud of her for being so strong, and all you’ve done is get fucking jealous and petty, making her feel shit over something that’s very difficult for her.”
Henry and Robbie are painfully quiet while JJ rips into me. Henry is squinting at his mug, swirling around the liquid so he doesn’t have to look at me. Robbie is looking at me, face blank.
“You two gonna say anything?”
Rob shrugs. “I mean, he’s right. You know he’s right, that’s why you look so pissed right now. You know we love her, Nate. You think I like Sabrina being around him? Of course I don’t, but they’re both big girls. Big, stubborn girls. From what you’ve told us, and, uh, what Brin’s told me, she couldn’t have been clearer with you that she doesn’t want to be his friend. I think you need to decide whether you’re willing to drive her away over your ego.”
“It isn’t my fucking ego! I’m worried about the woman I’m in love with spending time with someone who is awful to her.”
“It is your ego,” Henry mutters from beside me, not looking up from where he’s still spinning his coffee. “You think he’s going to manipulate her into forgiving him and then she won’t need you anymore. You like being needed by her. It makes you feel important. You know Aaron hates you and you think he’s going to keep her away from you. Which just shows you don’t know how strong she is, or truly understand how much she loves you.”
This has got to be one of the worst fucking interventions ever.
“So you all think I’m a dick then, is what I’m hearing?”
Robbie clears his throat and laughs. “I’ve thought you were a dick since kindergarten, for the record.”
“I didn’t know you in kindergarten,” JJ adds. “But I imagine if I did, I would have also thought you were a dick. You know we love you, man, but you brought her here, let us live with her and get to know her, and now we love her too. We don’t want you to ruin something pretty fucking special. That’s what Aaron wants.”
“I don’t think you’re a dick, Nathan,” Henry says quietly. “I think you need to put yourself in her shoes. If you and JJ had a fight, but we had a game and you needed a defenseman that would help us win, you’d let him play. You’d put aside the drama and concentrate on the win. That’s all she’s doing.”
“You guys have a date later, right?” Robbie says, smiling when I nod. “Talk to her about it. She needs to know you’re with her on this.”
“Have you three got nothing better to do than fucking Oprah me?”
That breaks the tension in the room as the three of them laugh. “It’s a nice change from watching Henry desperately try to track down that girl, Jenny, or whatever from Christmas.”
“You still haven’t found her? What did you say to the poor girl? Has she gone into witness protection or something?” I joke, smiling harder when Henry glares at me like he’s trying to set me on fire with his eyes.
“Sorry, Nathan. We can’t all harass a girl into a relationship. Some of us need time to find out who they are first, okay? I—”
I don’t hear whatever else he says over the sound of me, JJ, and Robbie howling laughing.
I DON’T KNOW why I feel nervous about going on a date with my own girlfriend. I watch her politely say good-bye to the doorman at the front of her building and make her way toward my car in the pick up zone. She looks fucking unbelievable. So unbelievable that we might not make it to our dinner reservation at Octopus.
It’s a seafood restaurant that recently opened in Malibu, and luckily, a guy who’s into JJ works there and managed to sort it out for me. I’m not exactly for pimping out my roommate to book a table in an exclusive restaurant, but I’m not exactly against it either.
The second she climbs in my car is filled with the sweet smell of her perfume. She always smells good, but right now, it’s something else. Is this what happens when I don’t see her for a couple of days? I’d tell her, but I can already hear her jokes about being a vampire with heightened senses.
“What are you chuckling to yourself about?” she grins, leaning over to kiss me. God, she even tastes good. I move my hand toward her face, but she bats it away before I can hold her face, breaking apart to mutter, “Makeup.”
“Vampires, uh, doesn’t matter. I’ve missed you, you look so beautiful tonight.”
“You look pretty good yourself, Hawkins. How was practice?”
We chat comfortably all the way to Malibu, catching up on the little things that have happened during our days that we don’t think to mention now that we don’t spend most of our days together. She tells me how she beat her PB doing squats, and now Brady is going to increase her calories again after her competition.
I tell her about Henry and Russ’s budding friendship and how some of the more immature team members don’t seem to like it, so I had a word with them about growing the fuck up. Frat culture is weird and can be a little cultlike, in my opinion; it’s why I was never interested. I prefer to hang out with people I like instead of being forced to like specific people in the name of brotherhood.
“I will beat anyone who hurts my boys,” she says sternly. I know she’s not even joking as well; all five foot, four inches of her would happily take on anyone to protect Henry, and now Russ.
The guy must be really into JJ, because he reserved us a table outside on the patio that looks out to the sea. I drop JJ a text letting him know how good our table is to score the guy some brownie points, since he’s clearly going all out to impress.
I know that I need to talk to Anastasia about how I’ve acted recently, but I’m not quite sure how to bring it up. I let our orders be taken, and she fills the silence with funny stories about Brin and one of her lectures where everything went wrong. But eventually, she gives me a sympathetic smile, one that says she knows what’s going on in my head. “Nate, are you okay?”
The time apart has felt a bit like a breakup, even though it wasn’t, and we’ve still talked, but it’s cemented for me that breaking up is not a reality I ever want to live. I know it’s rare to meet someone who makes you feel like your whole life is brighter. I know I’m lucky that I have someone by my side who would go to war for the people she loves, and it’s made me realize, right now, she’s going to war for herself.
And I need to be by her side, not attacking her from a different spot on the field.
“I owe you an apology,” I blurt out, definitely not in the smooth, calm way I was hoping for. “I haven’t been fair and I’m sorry, Anastasia. I really am.”
She slides her hand across the table and links it with mine. “It’s okay. Thank you for apologizing.”
“You’re the most important thing in my life. I’m not sure if you know that or not, but you are, and I’ve been selfish. I’ve put you in a difficult situation, making you feel like you need to choose between us or something. You don’t and I want you to know I support your goals.” She nods along, letting me trip over my words and ramble quickly, telling her how I feel. She doesn’t interrupt or say anything; she gives me the space I need to try to get how I’m feeling out in the open. “I am listening now. I promise you I am, I hear you and I get that I need to let you get on with it and handle Aaron the way you see fit.”
When she senses that I’m done, she brings our linked hands to her mouth, and pecks a kiss on my knuckles. The look of relief on her face right now is overwhelming, which to be honest makes me feel worse, because she must have been struggling with this more than I realized.
I feel relieved, too, it’s funny because she can be the most hotheaded and stubborn person, but when it comes to talking things out, she has the patience of a saint. And I needed that patience to fix this.
“Nobody is replacing you, Nathan. Every minute I spend skating with him, I’m thinking about how much I wish you’d taken up figure skating when you were a kid, not hockey. Therapy changed me for the better, it might with him, it might not. What happens outside of that arena isn’t my concern anymore.”
“I’m sorry for how I’ve spoken to you recently.”
She doesn’t acknowledge it; she squeezes my hand. “Do you want to hear something funny?”
“Right now? Yes, absolutely.” Anything to get the topic on something other than me being a bad boyfriend.
“I made Aaron storm off during practice today.” She giggles, bringing her wine glass to her lips. “In the middle of practice he got in his car and drove home. I had to get an Uber, but it was worth it.”
“What happened?”
“He kept huffing and puffing every time he had to lift or catch me, so I asked him if he needed to work harder in the gym. Told him I know he lifts heavier than me, so what was his problem. He, uh, did not like that one bit.” Her nose crinkles as she shrugs, clearly not giving one fuck about Aaron.
“I don’t have anything to worry about, do I?” I say, talking more to myself than her.
“Not even a little bit, I have it all under control. You helped me be strong enough to deal with it.” Her eyes look past me, and she smiles so fucking brightly that I think someone famous walked in, but no, she starts excited fidgeting in her seat. “Oh! I think our food is coming!”
I’M reluctant to let her out of the car when I pull up at Maple Tower, but I have to.
“I’ll be back Saturday night,” she mumbles. “We can spend the whole of Sunday together, I promise.”
Stassie is going to San Diego in the morning for nationals, and we decided the most responsible thing to do was to sleep in our own beds. Neither of us wants to, but she needs to concentrate on relaxing tonight, and that isn’t going to be possible at my house. If I were to stay here, she’d spend the entire night anxious about me and Aaron being in the same space.
This is the right choice, even if it makes us both temporarily unhappy.
She climbs across the center console to straddle my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing her forehead against me. “I love you,” she whispers, pressing her mouth to mine. “I need to get out or I’m going to end up letting you fuck me in a parking garage.”
She opens my door and climbs off me, giving me one last kiss before heading toward the elevator. I watch to make sure she gets in safely, then put the car in drive, hoping that this boner will be gone by the time I get home.
