The lights dimmed. The music swelled. The air filled with giddiness and nostalgia.
Within an hour, the FEAers transformed the program’s staid dance into a rave reminiscent of their heady first days in Shanghai, only this time, it was a last hurrah instead of a kickoff.
Blake leaned against the wall and sipped his drink. A few months ago, he would’ve been right there with them on the dance floor. Now it felt wrong. Were soon-to-be dads allowed to dance like that? The parenting e-books he downloaded didn’t cover party etiquette for parents.
“Did you do it?” He sensed the new presence next to him without having to turn his head.
“Yeah.” The disapproval came through loud and clear. “You should’ve done it yourself.”
“I couldn’t.”
“You have arms and legs. You could’ve picked up that locket, walked into the dorm and up the stairs to Farrah’s room, and handed it to her.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Blake tossed back the rest of his drink and slammed it on a nearby table. His head pounded with tension.
“I don’t know shit because you won’t tell me shit.” Sammy jabbed a finger into Blake’s chest. “You better clue me in fast unless you want another punch to the face. Obviously, you still have feelings for Farrah, so why the big breakup?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it.”
Blake exhaled sharply. He looked around. Everyone was too lost in their own worlds to pay attention to him and Sammy. Luke, Leo, and Nardo gathered at the bar with a few other guys. Courtney and Kris danced like maniacs to the latest Top 40 chart-topper. Farrah and Olivia were nowhere in sight.
“Not here.”
Blake led them to the terrace and closed the sliding door behind them, muffling the music and raucous laughter. The rain had cleared, and the moon shone bright in the sky.
Sammy leaned against the railing and crossed his arms over his chest. “Let’s hear it, Ryan.”
“Who are you, and what have you done with Sammy Yu?” Blake tried to lighten the mood. He’d known Sammy for months. He’d never seen him like this.
Sammy didn’t smile at the unintended play on words. “It pisses me off when people hurt my friends, and you hurt one of my best friends. I want to know why.”
Sammy might tell Farrah. She was, as he said, one of his best friends.
But this was Sammy. As much of a stranger as he’d been this past month, he would never go back on his word.
Blake’s jaw worked as he rifled through his options. “Promise you won’t tell anyone. Not even Olivia. Especially not Olivia.”
“I promise.”
Blake hesitated another second before he spilled the beans. New Year’s, Cleo, her pregnancy, why he broke up with Farrah. Everything. As he spoke, Sammy’s expression morphed from anger to shock to sympathy before settling on a mix of all three.
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re going to be a father.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re in love with Farrah, and you’re having a baby with someone else.”
Blake flinched. Sammy’s matter-of-fact summary of his mess hit harder than it should have. Blake had months to reconcile himself with his situation; clearly, he still had work to do.
“You need to tell Farrah.”
“No!”
Sammy’s eyebrows shot up at Blake’s vehement response.
Blake sucked in a deep breath. The mere thought of Farrah finding out the truth had his heart skittering like a panicked rabbit. “She deserves a clean break.”
“She thinks you played her.”
“And that’s the way it’ll stay,” Blake said grimly. “You promised.”
Was it better that Farrah thought he played her instead of cheated on her? Probably not. Given his harsh words the night they broke up, cheating was more redeemable—even if she did hate cheaters. After all, Blake didn’t even remember his night with Cleo.
But that was the point. Blake didn’t want to be redeemable. Farrah deserved a clean break, and she couldn’t get one if she thought he still loved her and just made a mistake over New Year’s. She had to think he never loved her at all. It was the only way she could move on.
A spike hammered into Blake’s heart at the thought of Farrah moving on with someone else.
“Jesus.” Sammy rubbed a hand over his face. “What are you going to do?”
“The only thing I can do. Go home and be a father.”
Sammy’s gaze flicked toward the balcony door. He pushed himself off the railing and clapped a hand on Blake’s shoulder. “Good luck.”
Something in his tone compelled Blake to turn around. His blood ran cold.
Farrah stood in the corner, half-hidden in the shadows. He couldn’t see her face, but he knew every curve of her body. Her scent, the way she moved, it was all imprinted into his memory.
“How long have you been standing there?” His pulse pounded with fear. If she heard what he said…
“Right after Sammy left.” Farrah stepped out of the shadows, and his heart tripped over itself trying to get to her. Standing there bathed in moonlight, she reminded him of the first time they kissed. The Great Wall, the stars, their kiss…they may as well be a dream from a previous life.
Blake shoved his hands into his pockets and clenched them into fists, stopping his runaway emotions in their tracks. “You found your necklace.”
Her pendant rested against her throat, where it belonged. At least one thing went right today.
“Sammy found it.” Farrah fiddled with her necklace. “You guys looked like you were having an intense conversation.”
“We were reminiscing,” Blake lied.
This was their first conversation since the plane ride. Farrah wasn’t ignoring or yelling at him, but he would’ve almost preferred that to her obvious yet civil contempt.
“What time is your flight tomorrow?” Small talk wouldn’t wipe that look off of her face, the one that said she thought he was lower than scum on the bottom of her shoe, but he was desperate to hear her voice.
“Ten in the morning.” Farrah glanced over her shoulder toward the ballroom. “You?”
“Eight. At night. I’m one of the last ones out.”
There was a beat of silence. “Well.” Farrah stepped toward the door. “Have a safe flight.”
“Wait.” Blake didn’t know what made him do it. Maybe it was the fresh air or the fact it was their last night together. Maybe it was a last-ditch attempt to reclaim the magic of a love lost, if only for a moment. Whatever it was, it made him close the gap between them until they were only inches apart. “I need to tell you something.”
Farrah stared up at him, her eyes liquid in the moonlight, her face inscrutable.
“I—” Blake reached for her before he thought twice and dropped his arm. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything.” For more than you can know. “I never meant to hurt you. I was a jerk when I broke up with you and I’m sorry.”
He was repeating himself from the plane, but dammit, he needed her to know.
“You were more of a jerk when you cheated on your girlfriend.”
Blake flinched. He deserved that. Didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a bitch.
“I have something to tell you too.” Farrah’s voice was as smooth and cool as glass. “Thank you.”
He must’ve heard her wrong. “Excuse me?”
“You’re right. You are an asshole.”
“Er, I didn’t say I’m an asshole—”
“But you taught me some important lessons. One day, I’ll find the person I can trust more than anyone else because you showed me everything I shouldn’t look for.”
Blake’s heart wrenched. It’d be so easy. Right then and there, when he and Farrah were the only people in the world, it’d be so easy to tell her the truth. It wouldn’t set things right—he cheated on her, even if he didn’t remember doing it—but at least she’d know. Everything he did, everything he told her was true. She was the love of his life.
Then he remembered the look on Cleo’s face when she told him she was pregnant. His family’s reaction. The folder of parenting e-books on his computer. How his mom was already picking out color swatches for the nursery.
He remembered all the reasons Farrah couldn’t know the truth, and so he said the words that scraped his throat raw when he forced them out.
“I hope you find him.”
Farrah’s nostrils flared. For a split second, her stony mask cracked, and he saw the hurt in her eyes.
His heart wrenched again.
Farrah turned and walked into the ballroom without another word.
All Blake could do was watch her leave. There was nothing left to say, except the three words he could never say to her again.
I love you.
