ME
I was fifteen and it was during a game of spin the bottle. I know, super original. You?
ASH
Same. I was fifteen and it was at a school dance.
I grab another sugar cookie from the plate on the coffee table and tap out another text.
ME
Thanks to you showing me your mad dance skills the other night, I’m struggling to picture a girl kissing you after that.
ASH
You mean like you did?
ME
Oh right. Ha! Well, I was tipsy. And you kissed me.
ASH
Uh huh.
ME
What did you ask Santa for? Hockey sticks and skates?
ASH
Nah. I get those for free.
ME
lol of course, what was I thinking?
ASH
You forgot to answer the second half of the last question.
For the past three days, Ash and I have been texting basically nonstop. I’ve learned that he loves all sports movies, TV shows, and documentaries (no big surprise there) and that he prefers salty food over sweet. He hasn’t cut his hair in two years but he’s thinking about it after the season is over. He has a house on Lake Laurie and that’s where he spends all summer. And his last relationship was more than a year ago and it ended because ‘they wanted different things.’ I didn’t push too hard on that last one. Does that mean she wanted it to be serious and he didn’t? It fits with everything I know about him, but I still don’t like the idea that whatever we’re doing has an expiration. It does, of course it does.
I’m focusing on that and not the question I’m avoiding answering: best kiss.
It’s him. It’s obviously him. But if I tell him that, I’m either going to be horrified when he replies that his was with some other person or I’m going to send his ego rocketing to outer space.
I’m trying to play it cool. Or as cool as I can while texting him all day. Yeah, yeah, I know. That ship has sailed. But it’s easier over text and being however many miles away.
ASH
How about I go first?
ME
Sure. If you want.
ASH
The best kiss I ever had was with this smoking hot girl I met at work.
Yep. Yep. That’s jealousy making the sugar cookie turn bitter in my mouth.
ME
Wow. At work? Scandalous. I guess mine was probably this guy I dated briefly my freshman year of college.
ASH
Jesus, woman. I meant you. I met you at work. Brb, gonna go jump off a cliff.
A huge smile breaks out on my face, and I type back quickly.
ME
Oops. Sorry. That went right by me. To be fair, I’ve eaten like a dozen sugar cookies today, so I think my brain is shutting down.
ASH
Sure, sure. I’m not at all disappointed that some shmuck three years ago was your best kiss.
ME
I’m sure you’ll survive.
ASH
Barely.
ME
If I’d said you, would your ego have launched you to space?
ASH
Fuck yeah it would have.
I smile harder at his honesty.
ASH
Heading out to dinner with my family. Talk later?
ME
Yeah, I should go too. My parents and I are going to the movie theater. Bring on the popcorn!
ASH
Have fun.
And then a second later, he sends another.
ASH
Am I at least the second best?
By Christmas Eve, I’ve binged so much TV that the couch has a permanent indent of my butt in my favorite spot. I’ve also eaten dozens of homemade sugar cookies, done festive things with the family, and slept in nearly every single day. It’s been glorious, but now I’m bored.
My parents are both busy—Mom is wrapping presents and baking for dinner at my grandparents’ house tonight and my dad left early this morning, probably to finally buy his presents.
I’ve had to navigate a few awkward conversations about Gabe. My ex and I dated for over a year and my parents really liked him. Last year, he even came home with me for the holidays.
I shake off the reminder as I sit on my bed in my room. It’s exactly the same as when I left to go to college. Same teal walls with fairy lights and pictures above my bed, tennis trophies and awards scattered around with high school memorabilia.
My dad threatens to turn it into an office every time I’m home, but it’s reassuring in a way to come back and have things be just the way I remember them.
When peak boredom hits, I decide to clean out my closet. I pull out everything and lay it on my bed. Old prom dresses, tennis skirts, visors, shoes—so many shoes, and jeans that don’t fit anymore.
I’m trying on a dress that I think I wore to a junior Homecoming party when my phone starts ringing from somewhere underneath the pile of discarded clothes.
On the fourth ring, I manage to find it. Ash’s name flashes on the screen with a FaceTime call. I don’t have long to consider whether to answer before it goes to voicemail, so I press accept.
My pulse kicks up a notch when his face appears. That playful and sexy smile of his widens as his gaze roams over me.
“Hey.”
“Uhh. Hi.” I can see myself in the small frame on the bottom right-hand side of the screen. I showered this morning and then threw my hair up into a ponytail. I’m not a troll under the bridge, but this is not how I would have chosen to look if I’d known he was going to video call me.
I do my best to push away any insecurity about how I look. If he wants the kind of girl who sits around at home wearing a full face of makeup with perfect hair, FaceTime-ready at any moment, then he should just know that’s not me.
“I’ve got about ten minutes before my mom finds me and makes me help decorate the tree. Thought I’d call instead of text.” He leans back against a wooden headboard.
“You’re avoiding your family already?”
“Not my family. Decorating the tree.”
“I thought everyone loved doing that.”
“Not me. My mom and sisters say they want me to be a part of it, but then they go behind me and move every ornament to a different spot.”
Laughing, I push some clothes out of the way to make a spot for me to sit on my bed. “Do you have a tree at your house?”
“Yeah, but my housekeeper decorates it.” He looks a little sheepish at the admission. “What are you up to?”
“I made a very big mistake,” I say and then move the phone to show him my messy bed.
His eyes widen.
“I thought I’d clean out my old closet, but it sucked me in.”
That easy smile returns and his gaze dips to what he can see of my outfit. “Are you trying on all your old clothes?”
“Maybe.”
He shifts on the bed he’s sitting on and props one arm behind his head. “I’m intrigued. Show me more.”
“You must really hate hanging ornaments.”
“Or really like looking at you.”
My face flushes but I get up and go to the full-length mirror attached to the back of my closet door.
I flip the camera so he can see the dress I’m wearing. “Don’t laugh. It barely fits anymore, but I love it.”
“I like it,” he says. “Blue is a good color for you. What else you got?”
For the next half hour, I try on various pieces from my closet and Ash helps me decide whether to keep them. Or he tries. He doesn’t put a single thing in the throwaway pile.
I draw the line at an old tube top that is so tight across my chest it hurts my boobs.
“No way. It barely fits anymore. I was a few sizes smaller then.” I pull at the top.
“From what I can tell, it fits perfectly.”
I laugh. “You’re no help.”
“I can’t help it if everything you put on looks good.”
“You’re full of crap.”
“Nope. Straight facts. You’re a ten. Own it.”
“Do you hear the things that come out of your mouth?”
He laughs, but it’s interrupted by someone talking to him. I only catch part of the encounter, but when he looks back to the screen, he says, “Busted. I’ve been summoned.”
“Poor you. I hope you’ll survive.”
“Thanks. I’m sure it’ll be a battle. Me against the Kelly women. And they are fierce.” He stands, carrying me with him as he walks. “By the way, I meant to ask, any chance you could come back a day or two early?”
Before I can reply, he adds, “Jack is having a New Year’s Eve party. We play at home that afternoon. You could come to the game and then we could go to the party together after.”
My stomach flutters with excitement and nerves. We made vague plans to hang out when I got back, but having something more concrete makes it seem more real.
“I’d love to hang out, but do you think that’s a good idea? What if I run into Gabe again?”
“I’ll make sure your seat is as far away from him as possible.”
I chew on the side of my lip.
“Think about it. Even if you don’t want to come to the game, I hope you’ll come for the party. You can wear that sexy blue dress.”
EVERLY
Merry Christmas! Miss my roomies.
GRACE
Aloha from Hawaii! Merry Christmas!
ME
Merry Christmas!
EVERLY
I’m so jealous you’re in Hawaii, Grace. It’s so cold outside I had to wear my “real” winter boots. I was so bored yesterday I cleaned out the refrigerator.
GRACE
Oh thank god. The veggie drawer was disgusting.
EVERLY
Yes, yes it was.
ME
I cleaned out my closet this week. 👯
EVERLY
How do you think I’d look with bangs?
GRACE
Put the scissors down, Everly Rose!
EVERLY
Just some cute little fringe ones, maybe?
GRACE
Don’t do it. I’m going to be growing mine out forever.
ME
You could definitely make bangs work, but maybe sleep on it?
EVERLY
Ugh. Fine. I need something to do. Campus is dead, everyone is still gone for break, and Ty had a game in Seattle.
GRACE
Go out and meet new friends.
GRACE
And by friends I mean cute boys. I bet Mike’s is busy tonight.
By the end of the first week home, our group text thread is basically a running commentary of our days. Grace is still in Hawaii, so she pops in and out to share gorgeous photos. Everly and I are commiserating in our boredom. We’ve buddy cleaned out our email inboxes, learned a TikTok dance together, and did an eight-hour read-a-thon where we FaceTimed and read the same book.
So when she video calls me as I’m flipping through Netflix looking for something new to watch, I’m not surprised.
“Hey,” I answer, setting the phone down and scrolling the romantic movie section.
“So, I did a thing.” She’s in her car so I can’t see her that well.
“Uh-oh. You didn’t cut bangs, did you?”
“No.” She laughs. “I’m outside.”
“Outside of where?”
“Your house.” She grins at me through the screen. “I know, total creeper vibes, but you were bored and I was bored… we can be bored together. I brought wine.”
An hour later, half the bottle is gone, and Ev and I are sitting on my couch with the TV muted.
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Well, to be honest. It’s not just because I was bored and missed your face.” She traces the rim of the glass with a finger. “You sounded a little bummed the past couple of days. Is everything okay?”
“What? Bummed?” I shake my head. “Just bored.”
“Where are your parents tonight?”
“They went out to dinner.”
“And you stayed in?”
“Yeah…” I trail off as I try to figure out how to explain my relationship with my parents. “We’ve done all the obligatory family activities. I played racquetball with my dad yesterday and helped my mom make sugar cookies.”
“So you are close with them?”
“Yes.” I sigh. “Things have been a little weird over the last year.”
She waits for me to say more. I’m not sure how to put it all in words.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re incredibly hard to get to know?”
“Yeah.” My shoulders slump.
Ev laughs and hugs me with one arm. “Why are things weird with your parents?”
“Because they keep asking about Gabe. Where is he? What happened? He seemed like such a nice, young man.” I roll my eyes. “They really liked him, and they can’t understand why I’d break up with him.”
“Ugh. That’s the worst. Why’d they like him so much? Everything I’ve heard about the guy is less than flattering.”
“I think it’s because before I started dating Gabe, I was going out and partying a lot and my grades had started to slide. I’ve always had to work hard at school, and my friends at the time either didn’t need to study to keep up or didn’t care as long as they squeaked by with a passing grade.”
“I feel that. Grace is so smart that I want to strangle her sometimes.”
I smile. It’s true. Out of the three of us, she spends the least amount of time on homework and studying and is still getting straight As.
“Then I met Gabe and things were different. He was older and already had a job. Before the Wildcats, he was a scout for a junior hockey team. Anyway, my lifestyle changed when we got serious. We went out some, but during the week he was pretty strict about his routine. I stopped going out too. At first it was because I just didn’t want to, I wanted to spend my time with him. Then it was because he didn’t really like it when I went out with my friends without him. In hindsight, that should have been the first red flag.”
Ev squeezes my hand, and I summon the courage to continue.
“However shitty the circumstances, the result was that I went out less and studied more. My parents were thrilled that I was settling down and taking things more seriously. They credited it all to Gabe, who they loved. He has a way of charming people.”
“The biggest assholes always do.”
“Anyway, since we’ve broken up, my parents just keep asking about him.” I scrunch up my face in disgust. “When my dad found out that he was working with the Wildcats, he called Gabe to congratulate him.”
Ev offers me a sympathetic smile.
“I know they mean well, but I can tell they’re so bummed that we broke up and hoping we’ll get back together. Three times already they’ve managed to drop his name into conversation.” I lower my voice to mimic my dad. “‘Remember last year when Gabe got us all those matching Christmas pajamas?’”
“He bought your family matching pajamas?” She snorts a short laugh.
“I can’t even blame them for wishing I was still with him because as far as they know, he was the perfect boyfriend.” Guilt washes over me. “I let everyone think that and now…”
Now I can’t tell them how truly awful he was to me. They’d never believe it.
“Can I ask you something?”
I nod, then take a sip of wine.
“What really happened with you and Gabe?”
My heart beats rapidly and I let out a slow breath as I decide how much to share. I trust Everly, but what if she thinks I’m being dramatic or making too big of a deal out of what happened?
“At first, he was great. I’d been hanging out and hooking up with guys from school and you know how romantic and considerate they can be.”
She snorts again.
“So, when Gabe planned actual dates and bought me presents, I thought it meant he really liked me. Maybe he did, I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and I still don’t truly understand what happened and what part I played in it.”
“Whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault.”
“About six months in, maybe a little sooner than that, he changed. Little things at first. He’d get really upset with me if I made plans that didn’t include him. Why didn’t I want to spend time with him? Was I cheating on him? I’d basically abandoned my friends for him at that point anyway, so I just quit accepting their invites for parties or going out to bars altogether. Some part of me felt like what he was asking was reasonable, I guess. I thought this is what a real relationship is like. But then he just found more things to be annoyed about. I was dressing too sexy or not sexy enough. Nothing I did was right. I’d given up so much already, so I found myself giving in more and more until I finally realized whatever we had wasn’t love. He was only happy if he could control every action I made.”
I take another breath. “We got in this cycle where we’d fight, and I’d be ready to leave and then he’d apologize and go back to the charming and sweet guy I fell for. It was confusing. He played the part of a doting and loyal boyfriend so well. But it never lasted. God, he could be so mean and hurtful and then flip it so fast my head spun. Things got bad. Really bad.”
I fiddle with the ring on my pointer finger. “It got to a point where I knew I had to leave. So, I ended things. Since then, he’s been calling and texting, trying to get me back, promising me things will be different. For the life of me I can’t figure out how he could possibly think what we had was good.”
I’m ashamed it took so long to realize just how much he manipulated me. The more time that passes, the clearer I can see it.
“He sounds like a real asshole. You deserve so much better than that.” She sets her wine on the coffee table and then leans in and hugs me tight against her. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”
“Thank you. I can’t tell you how good it feels to say some of that stuff out loud.”
“You can always tell me anything.”
“You know what’s the most humiliating part?”
“What?”
“He treated me so bad, but I still cried when I ended things.”
“You spent a year of your life with someone. You cared about him. You’re human, babe.”
“Yeah. Anyway. It’s been over for a few months now and I’m still picking up the pieces. I lost all my friends and my relationship with my parents is awkward. I never told them, or anyone else, about the yelling or fighting. I made it seem like we were the perfect couple, and after I couldn’t figure out how to explain all of that to anyone. I never felt more alone in my life before I met you and Grace. You two are the real deal. Thank you for driving up here to check on me. I’m really glad to have you in my life.”
“And I’m not going anywhere.” She grabs her glass and clinks it against mine.
