WE HADN’T GOTTEN around to talking later, at least not last night. It would have to come soon, though, and I had no clue how to handle this situation.
I stared out the window of the Sprinter, absently twirling my hair around my finger as Scotty drove us to Astor the next morning. I wasn’t even sure why I’d bothered, since it wasn’t like I’d be able to focus on anything other than my current dilemma, but I’d forced myself to get dressed and join the rest of the guys for our Thursday classes.
Fingers snapped somewhere near my ear, and then I heard someone say, “I think he’s broken. Does he take batteries or a charger?”
“Knock it off. Something’s obviously wrong.” Gavin plopped down on the seat in front of me and waved a hand in front of my face. “Van? Hello?”
Sighing at the interruption in my thoughts, I slid my gaze over to concerned pale eyes. There were questions written all over my brother’s face, but I wouldn’t even know where to start.
“Is everything okay?” he asked. “Because you—”
“Look like a fuckin’ zombie.”
Gavin looked past me, shooting Daire a dirty look. “Can you not?”
“Just bein’ honest.”
West rolled his eyes and moved to the seat on the other side of me. “When it comes from you, Daire, sometimes it’s better just to not say anything.” Then he took one look at my face and cocked his head. “On second thought, he does remind me of something from The Walking Dead.”
“Seriously, guys?” I said, my annoyance overriding my thoughts. “I’m right here.”
“See, that worked.” West’s smile grew, and he leaned back, resting his ankle over his knee. “Just tell a model they look undead and it horrifies them to the point of coming back to life.”
Normally I’d have a response to that, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. Not when I had more important things to deal with.
“Kelly has to fuck other guys starting next week,” I blurted out, just as Scotty pulled the door of the van open wide. I hadn’t even realized we’d arrived at Astor, much less that our poor driver would have to hear all that, but he’d definitely heard worse from us.
Silence filled the van for a long moment before Preston turned his head toward Scotty.
“I think we’re gonna need a minute,” he said.
To Scotty’s credit, he didn’t react, just gently shut the door as my friends all turned my way.
East was the first to speak, which was never a good sign. “And this is a problem why?”
Preston glared him down. “Did you not hear him?”
“Yeah, I heard him. A porn star has to fuck other guys? Shocking.”
“East is right,” Travis said, but held his hands up. “No offense, Van, but what did you think would happen?”
My stomach was doing all sorts of dips and dives I wasn’t at all familiar with, and the frustration of what I was feeling had me snapping, “I sure as hell didn’t think I’d catch feelings for him.”
The silence that followed was deafening, shades of surprise on all my friends’ faces.
“Oh shit,” Travis muttered, running his hand through his dark hair, locking eyes with Preston, and inclining his head.
Preston nodded and opened the sliding door. “Hey, Scotty, we have a situation. Take us on a drive, please. A long one.”
Relief flowed through me as the Sprinter pulled away from the curb and the buildings once again became a blur. I didn’t mind skipping class, and I was grateful that no matter how mouthy and unhinged my friends were, they were willing to do the same for me.
We’d figure this out. They’d know what to do.
“Okay, since I was the last one to be on the receiving end of a Van Talk, and I have a sexy-as-fuck boyfriend as a result, I think it’s only right I lead this one,” West announced, causing the rest of the guys to groan.
I wasn’t sure how “Van Talks” had started, or why any of the guys came to me for advice, but it had become a thing in the last couple of years. Van Talks in the van. Maybe it was that I had experience with relationships, unlike the one-night-stands most of the guys embarked on. Or maybe it was that I wasn’t quite as hotheaded and sarcastic as a couple of the others and could actually give decent advice.
Whatever it was, I’d always been the one they came to, not the one who needed a talk.
That’s how I knew I was fucked.
“So let me get this straight… Ha! Now there’s a laugh—”
“West…” I groaned, and he cocked a brow at me.
“Were you or were you not the one who took great joy out of the video of JT handing me my ass? I think that’s earned you a few jokes here and there.”
“A few? I’ve been on the butt end of all your jokes for the past week.”
“There is an obvious joke there,” East pointed out, but then swiped his hand through the air. “But I don’t want to be obvious.”
“Stop it,” Preston said, glaring at everyone. “Can’t you see how upset he is? How would you like it if JT had to go and have sex with a bunch of different men next week?”
“I’d fucking kill all of them,” West said without a second’s hesitation.
“But again,” Travis said, “JT’s not a porn star. Kelly is. It’s not surprising he’s in demand. The guy is hot.”
I narrowed my eyes on him, just about done with the fact he had a boner for my guy. “So if you were dating him, you wouldn’t mind if I fucked him for the night?”
A thoughtful expression crossed his face. “I feel like that’s a trick question.”
Daire gave him a swift uppercut to the back of the head. “Because it is, moron. Try not to be so obtuse, would you?”
“Sorry, okay. But don’t act like you all aren’t thinking it too.”
West eyed Travis. “Difference is, we backed off when we found out he was Van’s.”
“You have a boyfriend, dickwad.”
“And you could too if you’d get the fuck over—”
“Shut. Up,” Travis grit out and I’d just about had enough.
“How about you all shut up? I thought this Van Talk was for me, not you assholes. God, no wonder I’m the only one giving out advice.”
Travis slumped back in his seat, arms crossed, as West opened his mouth to keep talking. But I quickly put my hand up.
“Here’s my problem,” I said, when it was clear if I wanted to have any kind of pep talk, it was going to have to come from myself. “I like Kelly, a lot. I didn’t expect it, or go looking for it. It just kind of…happened.”
Gavin’s eyes took on a sympathetic look, and I wondered why in the hell he continued to hang around us. He was such a sweet soul usually and would probably have a much better outlook on life if he didn’t have us as his influences. But at least I could keep an eye on him this way.
“That’s great, Van.” He reached for my hand and squeezed. “Did you tell him how you feel? That you don’t want him to…you know?”
I scanned the rest of the group: East’s arched brow, West’s curious expression, Preston’s slight wince, and Travis’s expectant stare. Daire, on the other hand, was looking out the window, no doubt wishing he was anywhere but here.
For once in our lives, that was something we could agree on.
“I…”
“Yeees?”
I shook my head at West’s ridiculous grin.
“No. I didn’t tell him, okay?” I let out a sigh and ran a hand through my hair. Jesus, was it too early for a drink? “What could I possibly say? ‘I know you’re a porn star, but now that I like you, could you maybe stop being one’? That’s hardly fair. Like you said, I went into this knowing what he does for a living. This is how he pays his rent. I can’t just ask him to stop.”
“Why not?”
“Because he needs to eat—”
“Again, there’s an obvious pun, but…” East waved his hand in the air.
“Food,” I stressed. “He needs to eat and live. I can’t just expect him to give that up because I fell for him.”
“Maybe he wouldn’t see it as giving something up if he knew how you felt,” Gavin replied.
“He did say he wasn’t exactly thrilled by the idea.”
“See?” Preston pointed at me. “That tells you he’s feeling a bit uncomfortable too. It sounds like he—”
“Doesn’t wanna fuck anyone but you.” Daire gave me an exasperated look. “This isn’t rocket science, for fuck’s sake. Tell him how you feel and that you only want him putting his pole in your hole. End of story.”
Well, that was to the point. “You don’t think he’ll resent me?”
“Why?” Daire’s lip curled. “’Cause you want him to fuck only you?”
“Well, more that I’m asking him to change careers.”
“You aren’t gonna ask him shit. You’re gonna tell him how you feel and what you want. What he does with it after that is on him. You can only control you.”
Damn. It was a rare day when Daire handed out the best advice in the van, but he was spot-on. Maybe a little blunter than everyone else, but he was saying exactly what I was thinking, and that was what I’d needed to hear.
West scanned the vehicle, a flabbergasted look on his face. “Is anyone else still trying to work out when Daire learned to string more than three words together?”
Daire flipped him off and went back to looking out the window.
“Maybe you should be more concerned with the fact he has more brain cells than any one of you,” I pointed out. “I thought you were supposed to take point on this Van Talk, since you had a hot boyfriend and all.”
“Seriously?” East snorted. “He only got that boyfriend because you told him how. If you’re counting on him to secure a man, you, my friend, might as well sign up for a lifetime membership with Xes, because that’s the only way you’ll ever see Sin again.”
Like hell it would be.
“Hey, aren’t you two going away this weekend?”
I looked at West eyeing me with a mischievous grin. “We are.”
“Well, don’t you think that would be the perfect time to talk about all of this?”
“Yeah, I mean, we already said we had to talk—”
“And you told me that grand gestures are what wins over hearts.” He pointed at himself. “I listened, and I got the guy. So what grand gesture can you do at this place you’re going that will wow his socks off?”
“Pretty sure Van’s already worked out how to wow his socks off,” Travis chimed in. “But that’s not a bad idea. Can you do something, I don’t know, special?”
Now they were talking. Where we were going was pretty impressive on its own, but I had a feeling if I called up, I’d be able to swing something more special than the usual stay.
“Maybe I could plan a romantic dinner or picnic or something?”
East rolled his eyes. “I suppose you could do that. Personally, I think you should pick him up in that fancy car you polish once a week down in the garages.”
“Oh yeah.” Preston nodded. “I bet he’d die over that, and the weather’s meant to be good.”
I tapped my fingers on the arm of my seat, thinking it over. I could pick Kelly up after my last class, drive us out of the city, and have a romantic picnic set up for the two of us. That way we’d be alone, we could talk, and maybe, just maybe, we could come to some kind of decision on where we went from here.
I liked that idea. No, I loved that idea. Hard to believe, considering it had come from this cynical lot.
“That’s perfect. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.” I chuckled as I looked around at my friends, never more grateful to have them in my life than I was right now. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but this was actually a really helpful talk.”
“Gee, thanks,” Travis grumbled.
“See, we do have brains.” West puffed out his chest.
“Yeah, five of yours managed to equal one.” Daire snorted. “That’s impressive.”
“You have one cohesive thought and we’re all supposed to be impressed?”
“I don’t care what you are, unless it’s out of this van in the next five minutes.”
Gavin shook his head. “D…”
“Seriously, though,” I said, letting out a relieved sigh. “This really did help. I think this was exactly what I needed.”
“Of course it was,” Preston agreed. “Now you just have to decide if you can handle what he does enough to keep him or if this is it and you need to cut ties.”
Just the thought of ending things with Kelly made my stomach turn, but at the same time, I needed to work out a way to be okay with what he did if I wanted to keep him.
Fate had led me to him once before, but maybe this time I would give fate a helping hand, because there was no way I was going to let go of Kelly Sinclair without a fight.
