Secrets from a Girl (Who’s Seen It All) – Lorde
spotting the giant pile of delicious looking baked goods on the coffee shop counter. It had taken all my remaining strength to peel myself out of his bed, but with the promise of excellent coffee and breakfast, I had willed my aching-from-incredible-sex body from bed and into a shower. A cold one.
“Plural? Cinnamon buns plural?” Ben looked at me, eyebrow raised, and I had to say I didn’t enjoy that look one bit.
“Is that judgment I sense?” I quipped, my brows furrowing at the unexpected tone he’d taken. Immediately, he raised his hands in defense.
“Not at all,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m impressed. The buns here are massive.”
It was true, my eyes might be bigger than my stomach when it came to this place and their monster cinnamon buns but I knew I’d want the second, especially after all the exercise I’d had this morning.
“I’m hungry.”
“Fair enough, I’ll go order. You find somewhere to sit,” he suggested, before adding “Cappuccino, two sugars right?”
I smiled, happy he had remembered how I took my coffee. I nodded, and spun on my heels, searching the busy café for a spare space.
It was my favorite coffee shop we’d ended up going to, finding it around the corner from Ben’s place, surprisingly. They had a special way of making the espresso here that really enhanced the flavor of the beans to make them taste irresistible, not to mention monster-size baked goods. But it was hardly a best kept secret, and on a Saturday morning it felt like the rest of the town was here too.
I searched for a few minutes, before spotting a family who were readying themselves to leave. I awkwardly hung about while they collected their stuff up and placed a child in a stroller, smiling when they looked my way to ensure they knew I wasn’t trying to rush them. As soon as they departed, I swooped in, staking my claim on the prized window-facing booth before anyone could beat me to it.
From the comfort of my seat, I watched as Ben made his way down the line, ordering our coffees and food before fighting the crowds to get to me, tray loaded up with delicious pastries.
“Noticed you scared away a family to get a table.”
“I did not,” I said, rolling my eyes. “They were leaving.”
“Sure.” He unloaded the food from the tray, placing two perfectly baked buns in front of me. He’d chosen two different flavors: the first I’d had before and was my favorite, with chunky peanut butter spread between the swirls of pastry, the golden color contrasting with the chocolate icing that topped the bake. The second was new to me, with regular royal icing, but pieces of dried apricot and pineapple between the folds. My stomach grumbled greedily at the sight.
“I almost got you three, but I thought for sure you’d puke,” Ben said nonchalantly.
“You doubt me far too much.” I eyed the two delicious pastries, not sure where to begin. The boy had good taste at least. “Thanks for getting the food.”
“No problem. Besides, it didn’t seem much like a choice. I’ve seen you get hangry at work and I figured the best way to stay on your good side was to feed you as soon as possible.”
I grinned up at him, and he returned it, the sight warming my insides. I felt so comfortable sitting here with him, so friendly–and I realized I had begun to like him. And I mean, really like him, in the way that if you’d told me at the start of the school semester that this was where we’d be, I never would have believed you. And yet, there he was, sitting there with half a strawberry Danish–a good choice of breakfast pastry if there ever was one–hanging out of his mouth, looking rather adorable.
And maybe all of these feelings were just from the sex, from the intimacy we had shared and the good night’s sleep, but for a moment, I swore it felt like it could be more than just sex. Like maybe there could be more Saturdays here in this coffee shop, more than friends, more than whatever we were now, sharing baked goods and longing gazes.
“Ben,” I asked, my tone rather serious. He looked up at me, concern in his eyes. I hadn’t meant to sound so urgent, but it was too late now. “What…” The word fell out and I immediately lost my nerve to ask the question. Should I even? What if he freaked out? What if I was thinking too much into this, what if asking the question was entirely the wrong thing to do this early and by even asking I was ruining this before it even had a chance?
“Stop overthinking.” He tilted his head slightly as if to comfort me, his eyes looking straight into mine, those golden flecks bright.
“I’m not overthinking.”
“You are, you get a look,” he said, a soft smile on his perfect lips. “Your face goes all squishy like you can’t handle all the thoughts in your head.” I furrowed my brows at that, trying to think back but he cut off my train of thought. “Just… ask.”
I took a deep breath, trying to settle those building nerves. But before I could even ask the question, I was cut off by a new voice.
“What’s going on here?” The words were muffled at first, almost drowned out by loud, insistent, banging on the glass window that pulled me from his gaze.
I turned around, heart beating wildly with shock to find the wild gaze of Hanna, who had two fists pressed against the glass, mouth wide open in shock. She shouted, maybe even screamed, as she jumped up and down on the sidewalk.
I was frozen to the spot as I watched her react so excitedly before the pure panic began to rip through me. We’d been caught. I should’ve known to be more careful. She’d only been asking about us last night, her suspicions clearly already high. And I’d been stupid enough to fool around in the teacher’s lounge, a blowjob for Christ sakes, when anyone in the world could’ve walked in and caught us. To think that breakfast had seemed like a good idea. But here we were–caught.
In what felt like a blink of an eye, she appeared at the table, her eyes practically glowing with joy
“And what are you two doing here so early on a Saturday?”
“Getting coffee,” I shrug, trying and failing to keep nonchalant.
“Pretty early to be meeting a co-worker, isn’t it?” She asked, eyes glittering.
She was loving this. Absolutely loving this. Meanwhile, Ben was suspiciously quiet. Probably because this was my friend and letting me handle Hanna was the absolute best thing to do. But what if it was the fear we’d been caught? Fear this was out, and other people knew. I’d not even been able to ask the question, let alone get an answer, and now I’d kill to know what he was going to say, if only to put myself out of my own misery.
“You’re here,” I point out, but she’s faster than a whip with her answer.
“We’re friends.”
“Are we?” The question was too easy, but she saw right through me and cut to what she’d been dying to say.
“Shut up and tell me the truth.”
“If I shut up then how can I tell you the truth?” I had the logic of a teenager. There was truly no coming back from that.
“So there is a truth,” Hanna said conspiratorially.
I remained silent, mouth shut in a firm line. A few seconds passed, and her patience ran out. She twisted, turning to face Ben and my racing heart dropped like stone into my stomach.
“You, tell me,” she demanded.
“I have a name,” he quipped back, and I fought to keep a smirk off my face.
“And is that name Olive’s boyfriend?”
If I had been eating anything, I swear I would have choked to death. And to be honest, I would have been thankful for the swift reason to exit this conversation.
“Hanna!” I hissed at her, her eyebrow tweaking upwards as her blue eyes returned to me.
“I thought you were keeping quiet?” she pointed out, the grin growing long and evil.
I was suddenly reminded why I hadn’t told her about sleeping with Ben, reminded why I had wanted to avoid her extra attention on us. If I had told her, would she have just plagued me with endless questions, tortured me for weeks on weeks for sleeping with a man I had vehemently despised?
“Can you calm down for a moment?” I pleaded, looking straight at her. Her gaze softened, and she paused. Ben took the moment to stand up.
“I’ll go to the bathroom, give you two some space.” He shuffled out of the booth, indicating his seat for Hanna.
He looked at me for a moment, and I tried desperately to read his expression, tried to see if he was okay or if he was like me and was halfway to freaking out. But he was as calm and collected as he always was. And maybe that was a good sign. But I was too busy doubting everything to know.
He was barely away from the table, when Hanna practically collapsed into the booth, pressing both palms down on the table.
“Olive, you have to tell me everything, right now. This second. Tell me. Please,” she begged, and I couldn’t handle it. My heart still hadn’t calmed down, the panic still claiming me, making me itch and causing the booth to feel far too small, far too stuffy.
“Can you let me breathe for one second, please?” I barely got the words out, but she listened, sitting back and her expression was worried, like she finally saw how much I was freaking out. “It’s… new,” I finally got out, my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing, focusing on the moment. When I opened them again, she looked at me in question, as if to ask if I was okay. I nodded, and the little self-control she had been exercising to give me time finally snapped.
“Well, I hope so because otherwise you’ve been holding out on me. Now tell me, how long?”
“It’s been… Could you ask a less complicated question?”
“How complicated could that be? When did you first hook up?”
“Who said we hooked up?”
“Maybe the fact you are literally sitting there glowing? And also the early morning coffee shop visit. I know not to even bother texting you before noon on a weekend.”
“Remember the staff night out?”
“That was weeks ago!”
“Sorry,” I grimaced, knowing she’d be mad I lied. “Like I said, it’s been complicated.”
“And it’s less complicated now?” That was a good question, but I really wasn’t sure of the answer.
“Maybe,” I shrugged, the uncertainty growing again. “I’m not sure. We haven’t had that conversation. That’s what we were going to do before you flew off the handle.”
“Sorry about that. I got excited.”
“I noticed,” I said, finally managing to give her a small reassuring smile. “I know I should’ve told you but… it was nothing. It was ‘lets get this weird tension out of the way so we can work together sex and… it worked. We moved on, we started working together.”
“And then?”
“I mean, you saw it last night–I was jealous.” I didn’t think I could deny it again. Even Ben had seen and called me out on it.
“I knew it,” she grinned, her blue eyes practically sparkling with joy.
“You knew nothing,” I said, sending her some side eye.
“Yeah, pretty much. But I’m still pissed at you for keeping it a secret.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be a secret, just a one-time thing we never told anyone ever about.”
“Until…?”
“Until it happened again,” I admitted, looking sheepish as I thought it all through. That first hook up with Ben, sexy and steamy and an isolated incident. And then there was every other time I’d been in a room with him, filled with hungry glances and filthy thoughts inappropriate for a public place, let alone a school. There was him bringing me soup when I was sick, and opening up about Mom, and last night when I was jealous and hungry for him and only him, down on my knees.
And this morning, waking up to soft touches of his fingertips on my naked back. There was something there, something more permanent than a one-night stand, and that… I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
“It’s… casual. With Mom, and everything else going on…”
She nodded, understanding me instantly. “I get you, it can be a lot at once.”
I nodded, a storm still brewing as I tried to see him, see us together, what that could look like. But I didn’t even know what I wanted to do now, let alone in a year.
And then there was the promotion. We’d never spoken about it, never dared to. But he’d seen my application, and I knew he’d at least spoken to Rob about it; there was no way he hadn’t applied. Was that something I could navigate? Ben getting the job and me… me still here, in the same job with the same routine, still drowning in this endless expanse?
“I forgot to ask yesterday, did you talk to your doctor?” Hanna flipped the conversation suddenly, her head tilted slightly, that seriousness replacing the understanding.
“Yeah.” I dug my fingers into my palm as I tried to ignore the uneasiness that twisted through my gut. “I told them that I wasn’t feeling any better and they wanted me to come in for an appointment, but I said I didn’t have time so they just did it over the phone.”
“Did they give you a different prescription?” Her eyes were analyzing me, trying to read me, but this was exactly why I hadn’t told her a few days ago. The medication was supposed to be working now, but I’d felt worse than before. Tired and sluggish and while I was busy during the day and distracted, my mind had too much space to wander in the evenings.
“They doubled my dose.”
“Doubled?” she repeated back to me, eyebrows pushing closer together.
I nodded. “Its fine; if they think that’s the best course of action.”
“Did they say anything about your exhaustion?”
“I mentioned it, but they said if I started to feel better then I’ll be less tired. And advised me to try and get a good night’s sleep.”
She made a humming noise, a small sly smile creeping onto her lips as her gaze slid over to the door of the men’s bathroom across the shop. “Doesn’t look like you’ll be getting one of those for a while.”
She grinned uncontrollably, and my eyes went wide as I nearly choked on the pastry I’d started picking at.
“Hanna!”
“It’s not a lie!”
“This is why I didn’t tell you, I knew you’d be annoying about him!”
“Well you guessed right, what can I say?” she grinned devilishly.
I finally smiled back at her, feeling a little grateful for the respite from talking about the appointment.
“Anywhere, where’s Rob? Did you abandon him?”
“Oh shit!” She straightened so quickly, I could have sworn she was hit by lightning. “I left him in the car. I was supposed to get coffee and leave but I got distracted by this bombshell.” She began to slide out from the seat but paused midway. “Just one thing.”
“Sure.”
One of her perfect eyebrows was raised, her lips twisted slightly like a fox.
“Out of ten, how good is the sex?”
