She liked Danielle Steel a lot better than Dostoyevski, too, mainly because the heroines in her books survived so many terrible experiences that they gave Molly courage. She knew that in real life Danielle Steel had a lot of children, and when Molly’d gotten the flu at camp, she’d had wonderful fever dreams in which Danielle was her mother. Even when she was awake, she’d imagined Danielle sitting on the side of her bed stroking her hair while she read from one of her books. She knew it was a babyish thing to think about, but she couldn’t help it.
She reached for a tissue and blew her nose. The flu was gone, but she’d been left with a minor respiratory infection. As a result, the headmistress at Crayton wouldn’t let her have early arrival privileges. Phoebe had been notified, and Molly had been forced to come home just a few days after her sister’s return to Chicago. Not that this horrible house felt like home.
She wished Phoebe would leave her alone. She kept making suggestions about renting movies or playing a card game together, but Molly knew she only did it out of duty. Molly hated Phoebe, not just because of the way she dressed, but because her father had loved Phoebe. She knew her father didn’t love her. He’d told her more than once that she gave him the “goddamn creeps.”
“At least your sister has the guts to stand up to me! You look like you’re going to faint everytime I talk to you.” He’d told her the same thing whenever she came home. He’d criticized the quiet way she talked, the way she looked, everything about her, and she knew he was secretly comparing her to her beautiful, confident older sister. Over the years, her hatred for Phoebe had settled into a hard shell around her heart.
The distant, hollow sound of the grandfather clock chiming nine made the big house seem even emptier so that she felt smaller and more alone. She went to the side of the bed where she knelt to pull out the object she kept hidden there. Settling back on her calves, she pressed a bedraggled stuffed brown monkey with one missing eye to her chest.
She rested her cheek on a bald patch in the fur between the monkey’s ears and whispered, “I’m scared, Mr. Brown. What’s going to happen to us?”
“Molly?”
At the sound of her sister’s voice, Molly shoved Mr. Brown back under her bed, snatched up The Brothers Karamazov, pushed Daphne du Maurier’s Rebecca beneath her pillow, and resettled in the rocker.
“Molly, are you in there?”
She turned the page.
The door opened, and Phoebe came in. “Didn’t you hear me?”
Molly carefully concealed her jealousy as she looked at her sister’s dusty pink jeans and matching crocheted sweater. The sweater had a deep V-neck with a scalloped edge that curved over Phoebe’s breasts. Molly wanted to clutch Dostoyevski to her own chest to hide its lack of shape. It wasn’t fair. Phoebe was old, and she didn’t need to be pretty any longer. She didn’t need all that blond hair and those slanty eyes. Why couldn’t Molly have been the pretty one instead of a thin, ugly stick with plain brown hair?
“I was reading.”
“I see.”
“I’m afraid I’m not in the mood for conversation, Phoebe.”
“This won’t take long. School starts soon and there are a few things we need to discuss.”
Phoebe’s poodle scampered through the door and bounded over to Molly, who drew back and glared at her sister. “Where did that dog come from?”
“Since it looks as if I’m going to have to settle here for a while, I had Viktor put her on a plane.”
Molly moved her feet away from the poodle as it began to attack her fuzzy yellow slippers. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t let it in my room. I’m highly allergic.”
Phoebe sat on the edge of Molly’s bed and reached down to snap her fingers for Pooh, who came to her side. “Poodles don’t shed. They’re good dogs for people with allergies.”
“I don’t care to have animals in my bedroom.”
“Are you this unpleasant all the time, or is it just me?”
Molly’s lips set in a mulish line. “I’m tired, and I want to go to sleep.”
“It’s only nine o’clock.”
“I’ve been ill.”
Phoebe watched as Molly bent her head over her book, deliberately shutting her out. Once again she experienced the familiar combination of frustration and sympathy that took hold of her whenever she tried to talk to the child. She hadn’t even been back in Chicago for a week before Molly had been sent home from camp to recuperate from the flu. If anything, their relationship had grown worse in the past two days instead of improving.
She plucked at the stitching on the bedspread. “This house has to be closed soon so it can be put up for sale. Unfortunately, it seems as if I’m going to be stuck here for the next few months, so I’ve decided to move into a condo Bert owned that’s not too far from the Stars Complex. The lawyers say I can stay there until the first of the year.” She was also being provided with a living allowance to take care of her expenses, which was a good thing because her bank account had dipped alarmingly low.
“Since I’ll be back at Crayton, I don’t see how your living arrangements concern me.”
She ignored Molly’s sullenness. “I don’t envy you going back. I hated it when I was there.”
“I don’t have much choice, do I?”
Phoebe went completely still as an eerie tingling traveled up her spine. Molly’s face was stiff and inexpressive except for a small quiver at the corner of her mouth. She recognized that stubborn face, the refusal to ask for help or admit to any weakness. She had adopted some of those same strategies to survive the misery and loneliness of her own childhood. As she watched, she became even more convinced that the idea she’d been mulling over since yesterday was a good one.
“Crayton is small,” she said carefully. “I always thought I’d be happier at a bigger school with a more diverse mix of students. Maybe you would, too. Maybe you’d like to go someplace coed.”
Molly’s head shot up. “Go to school with boys?”
“I don’t see why not.”
“I can’t imagine what it would be like to have boys in the classroom. Wouldn’t they be rowdy?”
Phoebe laughed. “I never went to school with them either, so I have no idea. Probably.” Molly was exhibiting the first display of animation she had seen, and Phoebe continued cautiously. “There are some fine public schools in this area.”
“A public school?” she scoffed. “The quality of education is so inferior.”
“Not necessarily. Besides, anybody with your IQ could probably educate herself, so what difference would it make?” She gazed at her sister with compassion and said softly, “It seems to me that making some friends and enjoying being a teenager is more important right now than jump-starting calculus.”
Molly’s protective shell clamped shut. “I have dozens of friends. Dozens of them. And I happen to enjoy mathematics. I would never subject myself to an inferior education just to go to school with some silly, adolescent boys, who, I’m certain, wouldn’t be nearly as mature as all my boyfriends in Connecticut.”
Phoebe had to hand it to her. She was willing to brazen it out right to the end.
Molly’s small lip curled. “You wouldn’t understand since you’re not gifted.”
“I hate to disillusion you, Mol, but my IQ isn’t anything to sniff at, either.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Pull out your notepaper then. Let’s solve some integrals together.”
Molly swallowed hard. “I—I haven’t got that far yet.”
Phoebe concealed her relief. She hadn’t done that kind of math for years, and she didn’t remember a thing. “Don’t judge a book by its cover, Mol. For example, if people judged you only by appearances they might decide you were unfriendly and a little bit snobbish. Both of us know that’s not so, don’t we?” She wanted to make Molly think, not to antagonize her, and she tried to take some of the sting out of her words with a smile. It didn’t work.
“I’m not a snob! I’m a perfectly nice person with dozens of friends, and—” She gasped.
Phoebe followed the direction of her stricken gaze and saw Pooh pulling a bedraggled stuffed monkey from under Molly’s bed. She quickly disengaged the animal from the poodle’s mouth. “It’s all right. Pooh didn’t hurt your toy. See.”
Molly’s face was scarlet. “I don’t ever want that dog in my bedroom again! Never! And it’s not mine. I don’t play with toys. I don’t know how it got there. It’s stupid! Throw it away!”
Phoebe had always been a sucker for lost souls, and her sister’s rejection of the obviously well-loved stuffed monkey touched her in a way nothing else could have. At that moment, nothing could have made her send this confused, frightened young girl away.
She casually tossed the stuffed animal to the foot of the bed. “I’ve decided I’m not sending you back to Crayton. I’m going to keep you here in a public school for the fall semester.”
“What! You can’t do that!”
“I’m your guardian, and I certainly can.” Scooping up Pooh, she walked to the door. “We move into the condo next week. If school doesn’t work out, you can go back to Crayton for second semester.”
“Why are you doing this? Why are you being so hateful?”
She knew the child would never believe the truth, so she shrugged. “Misery loves company? I have to stay here. Why shouldn’t you?”
It wasn’t until she reached the bottom of the staircase that the full implications of what she’d done hit her. She was already buried under problems she didn’t know how to solve, and she had just added another one. When was she going to learn not to be so impulsive?
Trying to escape her troubled thoughts, she made her way to the French doors at the rear of the house and stepped outside. The night was quiet and fragrant with the scent of pine and roses. The floodlights on the back of the house illuminated the fringe of deeper woods at the edge of the yard, including the old maple tree that had been her refuge when she was a child. She found herself heading there. When she reached the tree, she saw that its bottom branches were too high to reach. Leaning back against the trunk, she stared toward the house.
Despite the peacefulness of the night, she couldn’t shake off her worries. She didn’t know anything about raising a teenager. How was she supposed to overcome Molly’s hostility? She slipped her fingertips into the pockets of her slacks. Her problems with her sister weren’t all that was bothering her. She missed Viktor and her friends. She felt like a freak when she walked in the door of the Stars complex. And she spent far too much time thinking about Dan Calebow. Why did he have to be so adamant in his refusal to let her rehire Ron?
She sighed. It was more than his attitude toward Ron that kept him in her thoughts. She was much too aware of him. Sometimes when he was nearby, she experienced an emotion that was very close to panic. Her heartbeat accelerated, her pulses quickened, and she had the unsettling sensation that her body was coming awake after a very long hibernation. It was a ridiculous notion. She knew too well that she was permanently damaged when it came to men.
Even though the night was warm, she removed her hands from her pockets and rubbed her arms against a sudden chill. Memories flooded her, and as the night sounds enveloped her, she could feel herself being drawn back to those early months in Paris.
When she’d arrived, she’d located a friend from Crayton and had moved into her tiny, third floor flat in Montparnasse, not far from the gaudy, bustling intersection where the Boulevard du Montparnasse meets the Boulevard Raspail. For weeks, she had seldom left her bed. Instead, she stared at the ceiling while she gradually convinced herself that she had somehow been responsible for her own rape. No one had forced her to dance with Craig. No one had forced her to laugh at his jokes and flirt with him. She had done everything she could to make him like her.
Slowly she grew to believe that what had happened was her own fault. Her roommate, alarmed at her withdrawal, begged her to get out, and eventually it became easier to go along than to resist. She began spending her evenings drinking cheap wine and smoking pot with the ragtag band of students who frequented the sidewalks and brasseries of Montparnasse. Her misery had destroyed her appetite, and the last of her baby fat melted away, slimming her legs and emphasizing the hollows beneath her cheekbones. But her breasts remained as full as ever, and despite her shapeless clothing, the boys noticed. Their attentiveness deepened her self-hatred. They knew what kind of girl she was. That’s why they wouldn’t leave her alone.
Without quite knowing how it happened, she punished herself by sleeping with one of them, a young German soldier who had come to Paris to train with UNESCO. Then she let a bearded Swedish art student into her bed, and after him, a long-haired photographer from Liverpool. Lying motionless beneath them, she let them do what they wanted because she knew in her heart that she deserved nothing better. More than their sweating bodies and invasive hands, she hated herself.
Only gradually did she come to her senses. Appalled at what she had allowed to happen, she grew desperate to find a way to protect herself. Men were her enemies. To forget that was to put herself in peril.
She began to observe the pretty young French women who spent their evenings strolling the Boulevard du Montparnasse. She sat in the brasseries and watched them tilt their faces toward their lovers, luring them with bold, knowing eyes. She saw the confident way they walked in their tight blue jeans with hips swaying and breasts thrust forward. One night as she observed a sultry-faced young beauty part her lips so her smitten lover could tip the sweet meat of a mussel shell between them, it all became clear to her. These young French women used sex to control men, and the men were helpless to defend themselves.
That was when she began her own transformation.
By the time Arturo Flores found her working in an art supply store near the Madeleine, her baggy, figure-concealing clothes had given way to tight French jeans and tiny, clingy camisoles that displayed her breasts. Platinum streaks drew men’s gazes to the silky long hair that curled over her shoulders. With bold eyes, she issued her sultry, silent assessment of each one of them.
You can look, chère, but you’re not quite man enough to touch.
The sense of relief she experienced as they flirted with her, only to tuck their tails between their legs when she rejected them, left her dizzy with relief. She had finally found a way to keep herself safe.
Arturo Flores wasn’t like the rest. He was much older, a gentle, brilliant, and lonely man who only wanted her friendship. When he asked if he could paint her, she agreed without hesitation, never dreaming that she would find seven years respite with him.
Arturo was part of a close-knit circle of wealthy and prominent European men who were secretly homosexual, and his carefully selected friends became her friends. They were witty, cultured, frequently waspish, generally kind, and the demands they placed on her were not physical. They wanted her attention, her sympathy, and her affection. In exchange, they taught her about art and music, history and politics. She received a finer education from Arturo’s friends than her old boarding school classmates were receiving at college.
But they couldn’t make her forget. Her trauma was too deeply rooted to be easily conquered, and so she continued to punish the heterosexual men she met with small cruelties: an enticing smile, provocative clothing, a wicked flirtatiousness. She learned she could control all of them by letting her body make promises she would never allow it to keep.
So sorry, Monsieur, Herr, Señor, but you’re not quite man enough to touch.
As she walked away from all of them, her hips swayed in the rhythm of the French girls who ruled the Boulevard du Montparnasse.
In Manhattan, she surrounded herself with gentle, gay men, some of whom she held in her arms when they died. These men were the ones who received the love and affection she possessed in so much abundance. These were the men who took the place of lovers who would only have reminded her she was less than a woman.
“Hello, cuz.”
She gave a strangled gasp and spun around to see Reed Chandler standing in a pool of light at the edge of the lawn, barely ten feet away.
“Still hiding in the bushes, Flea Belly?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Just paying my respects.”
She was no longer a defenseless child, and she fought against the fear he still inspired in her. During the funeral she had been too numb to note the changes in his appearance, but now she saw that, although his features had matured, he looked much the same as he had during his college days. She imagined that women were still attracted to his gangster’s good looks: the thick, blue-black hair, olive skin, and strong, stocky body. But the full lips that his various girlfriends had found so sensuous had always seemed merely greedy to her. That avaricious mouth reminded her of how much Reed had always wanted from life, and how much of what he wanted belonged to her.
She noted that he dressed more like a banker now than a gangster. His blue-and-white-striped oxford shirt and navy trousers looked custom-made, and as he lit a cigarette, she saw the flash of an expensive watch on his wrist. She remembered her father telling her that Reed worked for a commercial real estate firm. At first she had been surprised that he hadn’t gone to work for the Stars, but then she had realized that Reed was far too wily to give Bert that much control over his life.
“How did you find me out here?”
“I could always find you, Flea Belly. Even in the dark, that blond hair of yours is hard to miss.”
“I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”
He smiled. “I always thought it was cute, but if you don’t like it, I promise, I’ll mend my ways. Can I call you Phoebe, or do you want me to address you more formally?”
His teasing was gentle and she relaxed a bit. “Phoebe’s fine.”
He smiled and held his cigarette pack out to her. She shook her head. “You should give that up.”
“I have. Many times.” As he inhaled, she was again conscious of those full, greedy lips.
“So how are you getting along? Is everyone treating you well?”
“They’re polite.”
“If anyone gives you a hard time, let me know.”
“I’m sure everything will be fine.” She had never been less sure, but she wasn’t going to admit that.
“Having Carl Pogue quit was unfortunate. If Bert had realized there was any possibility of that happening, I know he wouldn’t have done this. Have you hired a new GM yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Don’t wait too long. McDermitt is too inexperienced for the job. It would probably be a good idea to let Steve Kovak make the final decision. Or I’d be happy to help.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Her voice stayed carefully noncommittal.
“Bert liked manipulating people. He didn’t make this easy on either one of us, did he?”
“No, he didn’t.”
He shoved one hand in his pocket and then withdrew it, looking uneasy. Silence stretched between them. He shifted his weight, took a long drag on his cigarette, and blew the smoke out in a thin, harsh stream. “Listen, Phoebe, I’ve got something I need to tell you.”
“Oh?”
“I should have talked to you about it a long time ago, but I’ve been avoiding it.”
She waited.
He looked away from her. “A couple of years after we graduated, Craig Jenkins and I were at a party.”
Every muscle in her body grew tense. The night suddenly seemed very dark and the house far away.
“Craig got drunk and told me what really happened that night. He told me he’d raped you.”
A small exclamation slipped through her lips. Instead of feeling vindicated, she felt raw and exposed. She didn’t want to talk about this with anyone, but especially not with Reed.
He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry; I’d always thought you were lying. I went to Bert right away, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I guess I should have pressed harder, but you know how he was.”
She couldn’t bring herself to speak. Was he telling the truth? She had no idea whether he was sincere or simply trying to win her trust so he could influence her decisions while she owned the Stars. She didn’t want to believe that her father had learned the truth but never acknowledged it. All the old feelings of pain and betrayal engulfed her.
“I feel as if I need to make this up to you somehow, and I want you to know that I’m here for you. As far as I’m concerned, I owe you a debt. If there’s anything I can do to make your time here easier—any help I can give you—promise me you’ll let me know.”
“Thank you, Reed. I’ll do that.” Her words sounded stiff and unnatural. She was strung so tightly that she felt as if she would fly apart if she didn’t get away from him. Despite his display of concern, she could never trust him.
“I think I’d better go in now. I don’t want to leave Molly alone for too long.”
“Of course.”
They walked in tense silence to the house. When they reached the edge of the lawn, he stopped and gazed at her. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re in this together, cuz. I mean it. Truly.”
Leaning down, he brushed his greedy lips across her cheek and walked away.
