the cool concrete floor of a dirty basement.
Liquor bottles are lying empty all around me and the place reeks of piss and old metal. There’s a steady, dripping sound from a pipe that more than likely is rusted into complete disrepair. Various bodies lie scattered across the room, some on an old, ripped up couch in the corner, some directly on the filthy floor next to her.
Why is she on the floor?
I can’t see her face, only the back of her head, but I know it’s her. My heart feels it.
“Han!” I yell out, touching her shoulder to turn her to face me.
She rolls onto her back at the touch, her head falling against the concrete with a thud. Tightly wrapped around her arm is a tourniquet with a needle sticking out of the vein near the crook of her elbow. Her eyes are glazed over with a blue sheen to them, her lips purple and her nose decaying off of her face, leaving a blood encrusted hole where it used to be.
I shake her limp body, attempting to revive her, to no avail.
The sound of horrified screams leave my body before I wake up from this nightmare into another frightening situation.
There is a knife at my neck.
My knife.
It takes me a minute to reorient myself after the horrific nightmare I just had. I blink numerous times, making sure I didn’t slip into another dream.
“Han,” I say cautiously, with my arms raised up in surrender beneath her. “What are you doing?”
She’s straddling me in her bed, wearing only a t-shirt and lace panties, holding my pocket knife to my throat and staring down at me with a heated expression.
“Don’t play dumb with me,” she growls. “I saw the way you were looking at her last night.”
Hold up. Is Han a crazy bitch? Ah, shit. Han’s a crazy bitch.
“I don’t—” I begin before she presses the sharpened blade roughly against the skin of my neck, making me swallow hard. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I saw it. I saw it in your eyes. You loved fucking her, didn’t you?” she asks with venom on her tongue.
“Woah, woah, woah…” I say with wide eyes and a nervous expression. “Baby, no—”
“Don’t you fucking call me that!” She yells, and I shut my mouth, rolling my lips inward and biting on them nervously as the knife presses dangerously close to my jugular vein.
I sit there, my head pressed into the pillows with the woman I’m in love with on top of me, accusing me of enjoying the threesome she wanted us to partake in. I’m lost, I’m confused, and frankly, I’m kind of scared.
“I didn’t…I don’t like…I’m not…”
I stutter the words while shaking my head back and forth, my eyes wide as hell, trying to plead my case as I stare at her face above me. Her lip pulls into a grin, that grin growing into a smile, that smile busting open into a laugh.
She’s fucking with me.
My eyes narrow as I release a frustrated sigh.
She continues giggling with a humorous expression above me, still holding me hostage.
“Oh, so you wanna play crazy bitch, huh?” I ask, my tone teasing. .
She raises her eyebrows, almost taunting me, pushing me over the edge.
I flip her over abruptly, making her gasp as I take the knife from her hand, putting it up to her neck now. She bites her bottom lip, enjoying the exchange of power.
“You know I’m just fuckin’ with you,” she grins, and it melts me.
Of course, she was fucking with me. Han is too damn chill when it comes to sex and pleasure for her to get upset at me over fucking another girl, not only in front of her, but with her. If anything, she got off on it almost more than I did.
As fast as the memory of our wild, adventurous night comes to mind, the memory of her nosebleed comes to the forefront again and my smile drops.
“What’s wrong?” she asks suddenly, her eyes filled with immediate concern.
After the incident, we took an Uber to her place and came down from our high together. Now I know that extended use of coke can cause permanent damage to the lining of your nose. I’ve seen plenty of addicts in my day. Shit, I’ve supplied them. I know what comes next. But it’s never hit me the way it did, seeing her painted with the blood of the trauma. It made me pause. Fuck, it gave me that nightmare of seeing her spiral into deeper drugs like heroin when the coke just doesn’t cut it anymore, when chasing that initial high becomes too hard and she needs to switch to something more potent. These things happen and they happen quickly, before anyone even realizes it’s an issue.
Would her ever impending black cloud cause her to sink into that darkness? It’s not like she doesn’t have her reasons for wanting to feel numb. Is this what the natural progression of a recreational drug user’s life will look like? For the first time, I’m truly worried about her.
I should voice this. I should tell her my concerns now that she’s asked.
“Nothing.” I give her a weak smile.
Who am I? I’m Kid. I’m the dude that speaks his mind even when he doesn’t want to. Yet, here I am, holding back. Why?
I know why.
It’s because if I’m honest with her, it’ll push her away, and I can’t push her away. I need her. I love her. It’s the reason she opens up to me, because she knows I don’t judge her or her decisions like her sister has.
“You know I wasn’t being serious, right? I’m totally cool with what happened yesterday.”
I literally forgot what we were talking about because I’m so in my head about this. I finally remember in time to make light of the situation.
“Were you? I don’t know…you seemed pretty stingy with my lips,” I tease her, cocking a brow. “And this tongue”—I stick it out and wave it at her sexually—“I could’ve sworn you were trying to keep that for yourself.”
She purses her lips together, narrowing her eyes, attempting to ignore the fact that I’m right.
“Well, maybe there are some things I wouldn’t mind lockin’ down.”
Yep. My heart is squeezing so tightly in my chest. She sends those feelings down into the pit of my stomach with two words. Lockin’ down.
“It’s all yours, baby girl,” I smirk at her before licking my lips and looking at her through lowered lids. “Everything.”
She grins, but as the smile fades, I see her eyes go dark. I want to know the thought that crossed her mind; I want it all out between us, but…hamster.
“But if you ever wake me up with my knife to my neck again,” I begin, pressing that same knife into her petite, adorable little neck, grinning mischievously. “I swear to God, I’ll teach you a fucking lesson.”
Her naughty little grin returns like it never left. “Teach me, professor. I wanna learn.”
“You’re a naughty little student,” I say, trailing the knife down her neck. “You know that?”
I take the point of the knife, dragging it effortlessly down her soft, tatted skin, tracing the curve of her breast, down her taut, toned abdomen, until I get to her lace panties. Her tongue darts out of her mouth, licking her bottom lip as her chest rises and falls. The joking is aside now. Our desire is back, and the need to be together lingers.
I scratch the surface of her skin, pushing down hard enough to form a white line on the inside of her hip. She’s turned on by the pain, bucking her hips in response, craving some friction between her thighs.
“Don’t,” I say sharply, warning her. “Don’t move.”
Her large doe eyes flutter as a breath escapes her. I trail the knife back up her body, slowly edging over her ribs, then over her breasts, running the blade over her nipple as her mouth opens, watching intently. I move near her neck, trailing across her collarbone, before finally making my way down her arm. She’s breathless now, swallowing as she watches the knife find its way to her palm.
I push into it, slowly at first, gauging the expression in her captivating eyes. She gives me a head nod, urging me on. I press enough to make her suck in air at the slight sting of the small cut. She moans once the drop of blood escapes her flesh and I have the urge to fuck her senseless.
It’s who we are. We’re freaks. We’re sick. We get off on the pain, get high from the dark energy, get lost in the disturbing madness.
I take the knife to my palm, pressing the sharp blade into my skin, piercing it while I stare into her. Her eyes search back and forth in mine as her breaths become shallow, coming to the understanding of what this is. I grab her hand, slowly sliding my fingers through her soft ones until they are interlocked, finally pressing our palms together and sealing our wounds.
Her pupils dilate as the feelings intensify between us. I feel that numbness take me again; one that no drug could ever match. She makes me feel awakened, reviving me entirely.
I raise our clasped hands above her head as our blood meshes together, settling myself between her thighs and trailing the knife back down to her underwear. Sliding it beneath the lace, I run the blade against her skin as we continue staring into each other, before I quickly and abruptly tear through the material.
“Kai,” she moans breathlessly, the sweet sound making me rock hard.
I capture her lips in mine, folding the knife and throwing it across the room with one hand while our tongues touch and she moans in approval. I peel the thong over to the side, leaving it clinging to her one thigh, opening her up to me.
Using my free hand, I pull my boxers down enough to free myself. Without a second thought, I slide myself into her with a forceful thrust.
“Ugh,” I groaned immediately at the unbelievable sensation, dropping my head into the crook of her neck.
I’ve never felt anything better. Just us, every part connected, no barrier between us. I’m lit internally with a pulsating energy that consumes me. It’s more than sex. Way more than just sex. This is the ultimate connection. We are becoming one. Every part of me wants to flow through every part of her. I want us breathing the same air, today and every day. The fire that makes up who she is; the only thing running through me, igniting my cold heart into a fury of flames, uncontrollable and forever unable to be tamed. I can’t live without this woman. I wouldn’t want to.
Sliding myself slowly, yet firmly, in and out of her tight, aching center, I pause at her sudden gasp of air.
I pull my head back to face her again and see her mouth parted, her eyes facing the ceiling, filled with tears. I swallow, licking my lips before her eyes find mine. She blinks, and the tears spill over down her cheeks. She looks like she wants to say something but can’t. She’s terrified of what’s happening to her, of what she’s feeling. Her own emotions are drowning her like a wave, sending her deep into the unknown. She doesn’t need to use words. I feel everything her heart is saying against my own.
“It’s okay to be scared,” I whisper, gazing at her between soft kisses to her nose, cheeks, and lips. “I’m scared too.”
It’s undeniably terrifying, this thing we have between us. It’s so new and indescribable, and I get the feeling she feels the intensity of that, too. No one wants to subject themselves to the possibility of the pain from a broken heart, but if we don’t admit it to ourselves, this raw and organic connection, then what the fuck are we even doing?
I look back at her. The little forehead wrinkle that makes its presence known in her confusion slowly fades away as the tears fall to the sides of her cheeks. She uses her free hand to grab the back of my neck, sliding her fingers through my hair, pulling me tightly to her lips.
We move together slowly, my body gliding along hers as we build up that fire together, seeking the unimaginable pleasure of being intimate with your person. She is my person. My purpose.
A soft moan escapes from deep within her throat, prompting me to grab her other hand, holding it above her head against the soft comforter beneath us. Pinning her down, I continue driving my hips into her, our eyes never parting as our foreheads seal together, our breaths meeting between us.
She opens her mouth as if to say something, but the thrusts take her voice from her. She wants to tell me, but she can’t. She can’t fall on her own. She’s still holding herself back.
“Johanna,” I say breathlessly, telling her to let go.
Her bottle lip quivers, the tears returning as she closes her eyes tightly, wincing as her unrelenting orgasm explodes through her. I feel her tighten around me, pulsating as she trembles beneath me. It’s enough to have me right there with her. I release one of her hands, quickly pulling out of her as my cum shoots out onto her stomach in hot waves.
I groan again and again, stroking with my hand until I’ve emptied myself onto her beautiful skin, painting her with my desire.
We kiss intimately, holding our lips together as our breathing slows and we come back down to the realities of the surrounding world.
After showering, Han dresses me in her clothes. Sounds crazy, but she legit wears men’s clothing. I put on an old Nirvana t-shirt as I grab the pair of boxers she laid out for me.
She finishes in the shower as I walk around her place, checking for changes.
Yes, I’m crazy.
It’s the same old song and dance at the ol’ death villa—crunchy plants, new fallen leaves, Norbert, and…
The fuck?
I approach the wall where Norbert’s carcass is hanging, only to see he’s made a new friend since my last visit.
To my disbelief, there beside him is a stuffed toad.
In a sombrero.
Playing a goddamn banjo.
This one even has a poncho draped over him, with bright yellow, red, and green patterns throughout the tiny fabric. His eyes are totally blacked out and his skin is super shiny, almost acrylic looking. His creepiest feature has to be the wrinkled curve to his lip, set to look like a grin. In reality, he kind of resembles a shriveled-up Clint Eastwood.
“It’s all coming together now,” I shake my head, looking at the two of them hanging so awkward and stiff.
I hear the door to her bathroom open and scurry my way back into her room.
“Please tell me these haven’t touched another dude’s dick,” I comment, showing off the black skull boxers of hers I’ve put on.
She laughs as she combs through her hair with her fingers, her plain nude sports bra matching the large sweats beneath, showcasing her tattoos like a painting on canvas. “No, I went through a phase where that’s literally all I’d wear at night. I swear, only pussy in those.”
I love that her style is so unique. She wears what feels comfortable, yet somehow makes it effortlessly hot as fuck. She’s swagged out.
“Perfect,” I grin, pulling the waistband out and snapping them to me.
“Sexy,” she comments as her eyes peer from my head to my dick and back.
I feel where this is going.
“Flattered,” I reply with a cheesy grin, continuing our quirky little one-worded conversation like we do.
“Satisfied?” she asks, tilting her head to the side, trailing her fingers down her neck, clearly referring to our sex.
I walk towards her, pulling her into me. Wrapping her arms around my waist, I take my fingers and weave them through the hair near her face, pushing it back and tucking it behind her ears before holding her perfect little jaw in my hands.
“Obsessed,” I say with a serious face, looking down at her, gazing from her plump lips to her eyes.
Her eyes light up, and I can feel her heart racing.
“Happy?” she asks with a hint of uncertainty.
I hate that I spot that bit of doubt. I think about that. I stand there for a moment, unable to think of one word that could possibly describe an answer to that question. There isn’t one. No single word in the English dictionary could ever sum up the entirety of how I feel. So I spill my heart like a bucket of warm water, coating every surface around me in a messy flow of complicated words.
“I’m in love with you, Johanna.”
Her eyes widen slightly as she sucks in a breath. She looks over my shoulder, then to the other side, before realizing I have her in a position where she can’t look anywhere but at me. Her nervous eyes find mine again and for the first time, I’ve realized my emotions are bubbling over. I don’t care if I’m smothering that damn hamster. I can’t hold this in anymore. I want her to know. I want the world to know. Hell, I even want Norbert and his new fucked-up looking band-mate to know.
I’m in love with this girl, and apparently I’m willing to risk it all just to enlighten her.
