so close to her and not see her.
She’s here at her apartment, and I’m outside, sitting on the floor opposite her door. Angry robe lady with the hair curlers let me in as she was leaving. She must be drunk today because I know she knows I’m crazy. So now I’m sitting on Han’s floor, staring at my worn out Converse with her door as the backdrop. If she were to walk out right now, I’d look like the psychopath that I am. But I don’t want her to know I’m here. I just need to be near her.
It’s been two days since my visit to Gerald’s Gems and she’s all that’s been on my mind ever since. I couldn’t stop myself from coming here. I’m the compass and she’s the magnet, driving me north. What this poor girl had been through can’t escape me. What’s haunted her now haunts me.
I wonder just how draining everyday life can be when you’ve seen death before you. Everyone around you continues on with their petty little drama, acting as though their problems are real and legitimate when the person you loved the most took themselves from this earth directly in front of you. How does that change who you become?
Suicide is such a question to me. I don’t understand it. Is it possible for your life to lose its meaning so much that the only option is to end it? Maybe for some minds, it is. But how, as a mother, do you off yourself in front of the child you leave behind? What I also can’t seem to understand is why Johanna and Cole haven’t bonded over this? How has this experience not brought them closer? Han fell into a dark and dreadful place over it, while Cole is seemingly handling it better. It leads me to wonder what Han saw when she found her.
I feel for her. I want to comfort her, protect her from this pain, be her person. But she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want her complications to bleed onto others. She chooses to take this burden and let it weigh down her and her alone.
I think about how we used to hang out before I pushed her over the edge. There was something about me that always made her smile, made her light up in ways she hopefully didn’t before. I’d like to believe I’m the only one who can bring that out of her, and maybe she knew that, too.
Han isn’t like anyone I’ve ever known. She’s random, she’s unpredictable, she’s witty, she’s smart, she’s fiercely independent, and sexy as fuck in her own unique way. No one could ever come close to comparing with her, even with her demons.
I messed it all up with the sexiest, dopest, most fucking down-to-earth chick I’ve ever met by pushing her. But if I didn’t push her, where would she remain? Stuck. Right where she is.
Her doorknob twists open.
Oh shit.
Someone is holding the door while talking.
“Right, that’s why I told her to get a new job.”
It’s a man’s voice. I spring to my feet, brushing my sweaty palms down my pants. Why is there a guy here?
“Maybe she should…”
I can’t hear what she’s saying, but that’s definitely Han’s voice I hear as she continues talking in a murmured tone.
“I will,” the guy says before opening the door.
He turns, smiling, and comes face to face with me standing with my back against the wall.
It’s fucking Slate.
The tattoo piercing guy who was trying to be all over her at the beach party. The one who told her how good they could be together. Yep, that dickwad.
His smile instantly drops and his eyes narrow upon realizing who I am. It’s clear he recognizes me as the threat. I like that I’m his threat.
He opens his mouth as if to say something, but doesn’t. He just scoffs and walks out and down the hall. I glare at his departure, hoping to God he wasn’t just here fucking my girl. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I turn back to face the door and get met with an interesting expression.
Han is holding onto her door, her head tipped to the side with a smirk on her face. She’s smirking at me. That’s a good sign, I think.
I can’t look away from her. She’s fucking beautiful. Her eyes seem greener today. She’s wearing a spiked horseshoe septum ring in her nose and her hair is up in messy pigtail buns with her bangs and little hairs sticking out all over. She looks like a fucking adorable little sex doll.
“Kai?” she asks, cocking a brow. “What’s up?”
“Do you have a new tattoo?” I ask immediately, my eyes narrowing.
She looks down at her body that’s donning nothing but a nude sports bra that showcases her nipple ring, paired with large oversized sweatpants in the same color. “Uh, no.”
“A new piercing?” I ask again, leaning forward closer to her, bracing myself with my forearm on her door frame.
Her lips part as her eyes quickly trail my tall frame before looking back into my eyes. She just checked me out.
“No?” she answers, confused.
“Then why the fuck was Slate here?”
“Kai.” She sighs, shaking her head, not wanting to answer that. I don’t want to know why she doesn’t want to answer that.
“Are you fucking him?” I ask simply, just needing to know so I can torture myself with the thought.
“Why are you doing this?” she asks, legitimately looking concerned for me.
“I just need to know.”
She sighs, her little forehead wrinkle making its presence in her stress. “No. I’m not.”
I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Thank God.”
“Kai, why are you here? Are you stalking me now?”
“I’m not stalking,” I say, scratching the side of my head, looking to the side. “I don’t think I’m stalking?”
“You might be stalking,” she says, her lip pulling the tiniest bit in the corner.
She’s not mad that I’m here, that much I know.
“For real, why was Slate here?”
I’m not forgetting the fact that she literally told me no one has seen her place but me. But now Slate has? What the fuck? I can’t get the picture of them fucking on her couch, on her bed, everywhere I’ve been inside her,out of my head. Even if she denies it, I can’t not go there. I’m so fucking heated.
“You told me no one’s seen your place but me, Han,” I comment through a clenched jaw.
“And you told me you weren’t coming back,” she retorts, looking up at me.
It’s clear that stuck with her. It affected her, even if she won’t admit it.
We’re close now. I’m directly above where she’s leaning against the frame. I sigh, licking my lips as I look down at hers. They’re so plump and pouty. I just want to press mine against them, sealing us together again, but I refrain.
“You know I can’t stay away from you,” I whisper hoarsely, tipping my head to the side as I gaze at her tattooed neck, the pulse beating through her vein.
“You should,” she says honestly, tipping her chin up with false confidence.
It’s adorable really, because I see right through it. And because she’s just so small.
“I can’t,” I reply. “I won’t”
“You love things that are bad for you, don’t you?” she asks, tipping her head against the frame.
“I do love my toxicities.” I bite my bottom lip while eyeing her beautiful lips. My eyes quickly find hers again. “But you’re not bad for me. You just haven’t realized that yet.”
She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “That’s what they all say.”
I lean forward, my face near her little earring covered ear, “We’re metagalactic,” I whisper, seeing goosebumps rise on her skin. “Meaning everything. And that’s not what they all say.”
I lean back again, taking in her expression. She’s flustered because her secret is out. It’s been out. I know she cares for me. Her eyes are darting back and forth between mine, almost in terror. I can tell I have this effect on her that no one else ever has. She always looks shocked by it before she pushes it away.
I’m fully aware the way I’m studying her might seem intense to most, but she doesn’t pull away. If anything, by the way her cheeks fill with color, I’d like to think she’s enjoying this. Me being near her again. Her tongue sweeps across her bottom lip, making it glisten, and the sight literally makes me hard.
“Kai,” she says my name again, her tone pleading.
Is she pleading with me to kiss her? Is she pleading with me to go away? Pleading me to stop pushing her to the point of discomfort in the way that I do? I wish I could tell by her tone alone, but her body language always tells me differently. Her body wants me to stay and do all the nasty things it was used to me doing. I would love to go down that road again with her, but I know once I do, there’s no coming back. I slip simply into friends with benefits, nothing more.
Before I make a fool out of myself, I remember why I was sitting outside her door. I was going to leave her something. I pull the bag of gummy worms from behind my back, holding it up in front of her face.
“I think about you,” I say, holding them out to her. “I see you everywhere.”
She bites the corner of her lip, looking at them before her eyes look up at me again. Our gazes remain locked as we both just stare at one another. That’s one thing I love about her, among many things, her direct eye contact. It’s striking and makes me feel powerless before her. I enjoy feeling dethroned by her beauty. It’s humbling in every sense of the word.
“That was really nice of you, considering…everything,” she says while shrugging her little shoulders slightly.
“But that’s the thing,” I say, moving in closer again, my forehead near hers. We’re so close, but still I keep the distance. “I’m not giving up on you yet.”
I refrain from touching her, but lean so far into her, our bodies are mere inches apart. Her chest rises and falls between us as her erect nipples just barely graze my chest. A soft sigh leaves her lips before I push away entirely, backing myself down the hallway.
Her lashes flutter as she clears her throat, and I love that I’ve left her a little frazzled.
“Thanks,” she comments, straightening herself, holding up the bag with a brief grin. “For these. It was sweet.”
I give her a quick smirk and a head nod before backing out of the hallway and into the stairwell.
I play the cool, confident dude to a T until I make it behind the door, where my heart rate pounds through my chest as I shake out my jittery hands. I rest my head back against the concrete wall, letting out a huge breath of air.
It’s painful knowing you need someone to the extent that I need Han.
I’m already late.
Walking into the makeshift classroom, all eyes are on me as the large metal door slams shut, echoing my tardiness.
“Welcome! Come on in!” A tiny man in a short-sleeved dress shirt addresses me, his brown hair swept back off his face.
He looks like some sort of geeky used car salesman.
“What’s your name?” he asks, his smile never faltering.
I take a quick scan of the room of people in the class with me. It’s a vast range in age. An old man near the back, a man about my age or younger near the front, a rough-looking bald man who looks like he may still be in jail but here with a bodyguard, a hottie to my left who might possibly be a milf, and many more in between.
“Kid,” I say simply, finding a seat.
“Kid?” he asks, his smile still in place. “Well, I’ve never heard that one before. Nice to meet you, Kid. I’m Dave.”
I give him my best tight-lipped smile as I sit down in one of the blue plastic chairs, peeking over at the milf hottie who now has her pen between her lips, eyeing me up and down.
“Welcome everyone,” Dave begins. “Let’s go around and introduce ourselves to the group and tell everyone why you’re here.”
Is he serious? He can’t be serious.
Dave gives the man in front of him a head nod to begin.
“I’m Victor. I’m here because I got drunk and drove into a pole.”
Jesus.
My face must’ve distorted because a different girl is glaring at me now.
“Oooh, ouch!” Dave replies like a shitty game show host. “I bet that left a nasty little mark, eh?”
This has to be some sort of joke. These people can’t be real.
“Shoulda seen the pole,” Vic jokes back with Dave and they share an awkward laugh together.
A few more people go around until the baldy from jail talks.
“Mike,” he announces his name in a deep, rough tone.
“And Mike, why are you here?” Dave, the talk show host, asks.
Mike’s brows lower. “Because I have to be,” he grumbles.
The kid at the front of the class starts laughing, causing Dave to shoot him a glare.
“Alright Kid, we know your name but not your story. Tell us why you’re here,” he says to me.
I sigh, my hand massaging the back of my neck as I gaze at everyone’s eyes, who are now planted firmly on me.
“I’m here to better myself. I’m here to learn about the consequences of my choices. I’m just here to learn.” I say everything I think they want from me. Dave’s face radiates admiration.
“Fantastic,” he whispers to himself as he shakes his head with a grin. “Truly fantastic.”
Hottie to my left chuckles lightly, running a hand along her neck, clearly picking up on my unintended sarcasm. Oh yeah, she definitely wants to fuck.
We go around the group, finishing introductions as my cell phone vibrates in my pocket.
I see a message from an unknown number.
Contact Dario.
I swallow, staring at the message. I thought I was done with them. I gave them the connect, hoping they’d start working together, and I’d be out like Silas. Some people are just good for tying the proverbial knot. I didn’t expect more.
I go to tuck it into my pocket, assuming this DUI class isn’t the best place to make drug deals when it vibrates again. Rolling my eyes, I go to open the message. It opens, and it’s not at all what I imagined.
It’s from Han.
She sent me a picture of her lips. With a gummy worm between them. Sucking on it.
Han: My lips were on it first.
I chuckle to myself in disbelief. Is she fucking crazy? Does she know I have a boner in the near proximity of fucking Dave, the used car talk show host?!
I read it and reread it again and again. Was this her flirting with me? I hate text messages for this exact reason. I can barely decipher her and her thoughts when she’s in front of me, but this sexualized text message? I have no idea where she’s at with it, but I need to know now.
Kid: Are you flirting with me?
I send the message, proud of myself, when a few seconds later, it vibrates again.
Han: I don’t know, am I?
Kid: See, is that flirting? I feel like you’re being witty. Flirt with me through text, Han. I need to feel your vibe through the digital world.
Han: That’s what he said.
I smile like a kid in a world where Han flirts with me.
Kid: Oh yeah, I feel it.
Han: That’s what she said.
Kid: I want you to feel it. It gets pretty hard, ya know, especially around you.
Jesus Christ, I’m sexting at drunk class.
Han: Trust me, I know how hard it gets.
I’m on the verge of literally whipping my dick out in front of Dave just to show Han what she fucking does to me, but…that would be wrong. Even this sexting thing we have going on is wrong. It’s so easy because I’m naturally a flirty type of guy, and she’s witty as fuck. But I don’t want it to be just that with us. It’s so easy to fall into that because my body literally screams for Han, just as hers does for mine. But I want her mind to scream for me. I want her to need me in ways that sex alone can’t touch.
Kid: Answer me one question…and be honest.
Han: No, I’m not wearing a bra.
I bite my knuckle at that text, looking up to find milf smirking at me. I need to calm down. This whole flirting thing is harder than I thought it would be.
Kid: I’m being serious. I just want to know something, and I want you to be truly honest in your answer, whatever your opinion may be.
Han: What do you need to know, Kai?
I can literally hear her rolling her eyes at me. But it’s alright. It’s worth it. I want to see inside her mind, and this question will allow me to do just that.
Kid: What gives life meaning?
I wait with my hand wrapped firmly around my phone. There’s no response. I wait as Dave talks about the effects of drugs and alcohol on the body over an extended period of time. I peek at my phone again…nothing.
I shouldn’t have sent her such a personal, philosophical question. I’m stupid to assume she’d actually answer it. I was working my way back in with the light flirting and fun, then I drop this emotional bombshell on her and expect her to respond? How fucking dumb am I?
The phone vibrates in my hand. The sensation shoots from my palm to my arm, directly to my heart that’s wildly beating for her.
Han: The same thing that ends it. Love.
