cheek against my chest can bring down her heart rate, my arms wrapped around her trembling frame can calm her thoughts, and my thumb rubbing the back of her hand can cause the firm grip on my shirt to relax, gives me hope.
The idea that me, a stupid nobody who’s sole purpose for coming out to Cali was to hook up with chicks, make more money dealing, and fuck off while I had a buddy like Hawke to take care of me, can find so much more than all of that other bullshit, is mind-blowing. None of that superficial shit compares to what I’ve stumbled upon.
The sun is slipping down through the tiny, dusted-covered window in the bathroom and it’s clear by the rings beneath her eyes, the redness to the whites of them—she needs her rest. She’s emotionally drained, needing time to just breathe and process. No more pushing from me, not tonight. She’s already broken. Now I let her decide where to start mending the breaks.
After finding some bandages, I cautiously clean the area, pausing each time she sucks in a quick breath. Carefully drying the surface, I wrap the wounds. She watches me as I work, biting down on her bottom lip as I do. Her large doe-eyes, filled with embarrassment, find mine, speaking endless sentiments. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for understanding and not blaming. Thank you for showing empathy. Thank you for staying when it’s hard to want to.
I finish the wrap, then stand up between her legs, dragging my hands slowly up her neck until her cheeks are in my palms. I lean down, kissing her sweet, wet lips, tasting the salt from her tears. She clutches the bottom of my shirt near my hips, drawing me further into her.
I stand there, our heads resting together while our thoughts race on alternative tracks. I want to care for her like she cares for me. I want to open her up, piece every part of that puzzle together, and figure out what makes her who she is. But more than anything, I want her to find comfort in knowing I’m not going anywhere.
“I love you.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “I’m here.” I kiss her cheek. “I’ll follow you anywhere.” I kiss her forehead.
Giving her every type of confirmation she may need, I seal it with my lips on hers.
I wake up alone, and it’s not unexpected.
I assumed as much. That she’d be struggling throughout this little trip of ours. She’s never invited anyone to see this side of her. Never let anyone in like I’ve been allowed. It’s only natural for her to need her space to breathe, especially after the flood of emotions that nearly drowned her last night.
Stretching, I rub my eyes and stand off the back of the van through the opened doors that expose the futon bed to the beautiful scene outside.
I couldn’t see where we ended up last night. Han drove until the sun set after we cleaned up and changed, even though I insisted I be the one to drive. But she said she needed to keep herself busy, and that just sitting beside me would allow her mind to wander. I understood more than I wished. My mind keeps finding ways to justify this eight ball in my bag before I actively snuff the ideas out.
After turning down the sub sandwiches we had in the back, I practically swallowed mine whole while she found the next stop. We finally parked, crawling into the back of the van to pass out for the night. She rolled up onto her side, tucking her face into the blankets. I instantly crawled beside her, wrapping an arm along her abdomen and pulling her back into me. My heart warms at the memory of her threading her fingers through mine, holding my arm against her like the safety of me was keeping her together.
We drifted off together, her body practically tucked beneath the size of mine like the little spoon she was meant to be, and every part of me protecting her with my hold. Leaving the words at the cabin, we held each other, needing only us and this moment of peace.
And now, here I stand, the ocean raging beneath me with birds actively scouring the rock below for some breakfast fallen upon them, alone with my thoughts. The smell of the salt water and wet sand fills my nose, the rays of the sun hitting my face like a warm blanket.
It would feel nice to anyone else, but to me, a new cold-turkey drug addict? I simply feel like the trash that was left out to rot in the sweltering heat. But we must be making some progress because my headache seems to have regressed.
I make my way around the far side of the van, taking a leak before losing the contents of my stomach into the dried grass nearby. Spitting and wiping my mouth with shaking hands, a new normal for me, I stand with my arms draped over my head, turning back around to look for her on the random hillside lookout point we seem to have perched on.
I find the familiar outline that sends my pulse racing in the distance. She’s sitting on the edge of a jagged rock near the drop off, staring off into the ocean, her lips parted as her focus remains. Her gaze is locked upon one spot, deeply set, where the ocean connects to the heavens. Where reality meets the unknown. A simple line that’s not so simple at all.
She hasn’t blinked in the few seconds I’ve been watching her, and I scratch my head. Where is she right now?
Is she back in that bathroom with her mother, clutching onto her after she passed? Is she with him, fighting through the pain of their traumatizing breakup after throwing everything into the wrong person? Is she with me, feeling the awakened pain of our twisted love in the cut of a palm, the carving of belonging, the firm grip of hands claiming?
I study her from a distance, giving her the space she so clearly needs as I grab a bottle of water and my toothpaste from my bag. Brushing my teeth of the vomit, and drowning my heated face with the cool, crisp water, I chug the rest of the bottle before tossing it back into the van. Finding my own jagged rock to perch, I kick up my heels, resting my elbows on my knees as I absentmindedly grab a stick next to me and begin breaking it off in small pieces between my legs. I count them as they fall.
One, two, three, four, five.
Anything to keep my hands busy.
I turn my head back towards her, watching until she finally blinks, a shiny tear falling down her face. Then another one. Her lips remain parted as if the thought of breathing isn’t something that comes naturally anymore, as if it’s as hard as clawing and grasping at the invisible air around her, expelling it with the force of a thousand hands.
There’s such a weight, such a deep-rooted pain to her that never lets up. It chases after her like a shadow of affliction. It’s why she lives in the darkness of her own clouds. The thought of my light casting that shape of fear behind her, yet again, haunts her endlessly.
But she tries. Boy, does she try to fight it. She’s fighting right now. At this moment, she’s fighting it as she turns her head to connect eyes with me. She’s fighting it as I get up from the position I’m sitting and begin closing the ever impending distance between us. She’s fighting it as I wipe her tears with my thumbs, bringing her back into the comfort of my heartbeat. Fighting it as she shakes against me when the emotions become too much. Fighting it until she doesn’t need to fight it anymore.
She lets go in my arms again, sobbing and clutching my shirt in her grasp with white knuckles, until finally succumbing, and melting into me. I pick her up, my arms beneath her legs, holding her to my chest as I make the walk back to the van.
I sit on the edge of the bed, exposed to our new view, my legs hanging off of the end as she straddles my lap. I hold her against my chest, her body wrapped around mine, thighs around my hips like the night I cared for her, when she begged me to never let her go.
Running my hand along the back of her head, I hold her neck, her chin resting on my shoulder. We sit for a while until her breathing calms.
“I’ve got you now,” I say aloud, feeling the vibrations of the words into her own chest. “You don’t have to carry it alone anymore.”
She sits back in my lap, wiping her eyes with the edges of the oversized black sweatshirt that’s almost drowning her tiny little frame. Reaching into the front pocket, she pulls out a tiny vial with an all too familiar white substance that literally makes my mouth water.
God, one hit and this aching pain in my muscles would go away. One hit and I’d be able to think clearly again. Maybe I’d be more of a help to her if my mind was clear? Maybe I need to do this for her?
“No,” I say, snatching it away from her hands immediately.
I’m not even saying it necessarily to just her at the moment. I’m telling my screaming demons, those continuous thoughts that want me to slip up because it’s easy.
She tries to grab for the vial when I bend my arm, holding it further away behind my back. Her face twists as she stares back and forth between my eyes. I hold her chin in my other hand and simply shake my head “no” at her broken face.
Her eyes drop to my lap again, but I force her gaze back up to mine with a nudge.
“If we do this, you give me all of it. All the pain. Nothing dumbed-down by drugs.”
Han blinks slowly, as if she’s holding back the dam of tears that are on the verge of breaking free again. Her fingers twist the sleeves of her sweatshirt before she sighs and nods her head, reluctantly agreeing with me. Needing some space, she hops off my lap, sitting down next to me on the edge of the van to face that horizon line again, almost needing it to ground her.
“I sometimes think I might never be okay,” she admits softly, combing a hand up into her hair, holding onto the roots as if it minimizes the pain in her head.
I prop my heels on the bumper beneath the bed, resting my elbows on my knees again while I twist the tassel of a blanket between my fingers, both of us now mindlessly fidgeting while I stare off into the distance along with her, just being here. I’m the wall collecting the graffiti of her past right now. Absorbing it all as she releases her endless torture through soft, unspoken words.
“That maybe, this isn’t something I’m ever going to get over. That I just have to find my ways to live with the immeasurable weight.”
I pick up her right hand, placing it in mine to thread my fingers through hers. We still stay facing the ocean, but I need her to know I’m here. That I know exactly where she is so she can transfer the heaviness onto me.
There’s a stretch of silence, and she’s in that bathroom again, the memory her only vision. Her spine stiffens before she talks.
“I’d never seen anyone love like her,” she begins, eyes narrowed as she talks into the distance. “She loved so hard. So much. She was unrelenting in her admiration. Obsessed even, but it was who she was. A hopeless romantic.”
I squeeze her hand gently at the pause.
“High school sweethearts. They were always whole until he broke that heart, dividing the pieces unfairly.”
I place my arm on my knee, propping my head as I turn to face her, totally invested.
“She found condoms in his suitcase, saw the messages on his cellphone, even intercepted a call once. But it was too late. He was already emotionally gone, and being emotionally gone from a person who was left feeling emptier than empty was the beginning of the end. She was stagnant in a place that was void of the love she needed to survive. The love of her life left her and she couldn’t cope. She didn’t know how to live without him. She didn’t want to.”
I wince my eyes, squeezing her hand gently and rubbing my thumb over hers.
“I stopped her multiple times.” She sighs, trying to breathe through the memory. “I caught her with a knife to her wrists, stuck fingers in her throat, forcing her to vomit up pills time and time again after finding her semi-unconscious with a bottle next to her on the bed. I even hid my grandfather’s old revolver for fear she’d find it.”
“Jesus,” I breathe, shaking my head, feeling the agony in her admission.
“I knew it wasn’t anything Nic needed to be around or witness. Luckily, she’d already moved out. I wanted to protect her from the ugliness of my mother’s depression, but it became too much for me to handle. My father thought everything was for show, and didn’t take her seriously when she’d called saying she’d do it if he didn’t come back to her.”
“Johanna,” I whisper, pain lacing my tone.
“She had no idea I was watching her through the door of her room when she sat in front of that mirror, hair done up, makeup set, pearls in place. She looked beautiful. There she sat, staring at her reflection for what felt like forever, until she took her hands and dug her nails into her flesh. From the bottom of her chin to the edge of her collarbones. Claw marks. To save her youngest daughter from the truth.”
I sit up suddenly, vaguely remembering Hawke telling me about the attempts to “free” herself from being caught on the towel hangers.
“I should’ve stopped her, Kai. I should’ve stopped her. Like every other time before.” She hops off the edge of the bed, her bare feet hitting the gravel, the pain of the rocks unknown to her as her fingers weave into her hair, pacing. “But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get myself to move. I didn’t stop her because it was what she wanted more than anything.” She turns to face me. “More than me.”
The statement causes me to wince in pain. I feel her confliction like a boulder to my chest. I stand off the edge of the van, grabbing her arms, stilling her incessant movements.
“I watched her kill herself,” she cries, turning into me and breaking down, while her eyes remain locked on that line. “I allowed her to take her last breath, knowing it’s what she wanted. What she begged for. I watched as she finally succeeded in gaining that last bit of attention she needed from him, knowing her actions would change him forever. Ending her pain the way she wanted to, I watched her die for love.”
Her lips part as the inability to breathe takes over. Her lashes flutter, and she stumbles slightly. I wrap my arms around her waist, one behind her neck to cradle her depleting form.
“I hate that I understand it!” She cries, throwing a fist into my chest, pushing against me. “I don’t want to understand it! But you’ve made me understand that living without the one you love can be the worst form of torture. She was dying every day she was alive without him.”
I’m firm in my hold on her. She’s so torn with this guilt of understanding but not wanting to. She was purposefully hiding from the power of love, knowing what it’s capable of, knowing how it haunts her.
She shakes her head. “But it’s my fault I let her do it, and—”
“Woah, woah, woah…” I say, stopping that sentence immediately. “It’s not your fault because you didn’t stop her. Clearly she would’ve done it, regardless. It wasn’t your responsibility to keep saving her, Han.”
She sighs but says nothing, and I don’t think she believes me. She’s held the responsibility for far too long now.
“Nic knows nothing of it. She thinks it was an accident. They ruled it an accident, Kai.” She shrugs lightly, facing me.
Jesus, the weight of this secret is so heavy. She’s been tirelessly protecting everyone around her, but who’s been here to protect her?
She pushes off me, scowling as she sits with a thump on the back of the van. Following her steps, I sit beside her yet again. More minutes pass, the silence weaving through us like the invading breeze from the ocean beneath.
“I started coming out here when the weight of the world caved, becoming crazed for the need for the answers to death. What happens after? Where do we go? Does it all just end? Is there hope for us after this life? Is there peace? I wanted answers,” she says, a gentleness to her tone.
I squeeze her hand again, bringing it to my lips in an attempt to kiss away her troubles.
“Larry told me once that just like these dead animals, I can only be repaired if I’m deconstructed. All of my pieces broken before I can put myself back together again. He wanted me to deal with the pain I held at bay. Even made death out to be a celebration of life, hence the mariachi band.” She scoffs lightly. “But then, as he got sick, I fell back again. I found drugs, sex, I fell into Bran and his sweet talks, looking for some form of comfort, and forgot who I was ever supposed to be.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulder, pulling her back into my front until my arm reaches across her chest, holding her trembling form. My other arm slips around her waist, pulling her into my lap. Kissing the top of her head, I rest my chin there, thinking about her words and why they sound so familiar.
“Some secrets should remain in the dark. Bringing them to light does nothing but rip more wounds into the healed,” she whispers.
Her face turns back towards me, swallowing down her fears as her wide eyes find mine.
“She can’t ever find out, Kai.”
I nod. “You never have to worry. This conversation stays here, out on this cliff, above the water, close to the heavens.” I drag my thumb along her jawline, gaining her entire focus. “It dies with me.”
Her lip quivers between us, her eyes swell up with tears again. She blinks, letting them drown her face while she melts against me. Our heads remain sealed together as we both grip onto one another, our need never relenting.
“It’s staggering, really.” I smile to myself, thinking of my own struggles and how she’s helped me unknowingly.
“What is?” she asks, her brows knit.
“Even at our worst, both drowning in chaos,” I breathe, my expression growing somber. “Together, we’re our best.”
There’s a crease in her brow as she gazes up at me through wet lashes. She places her temple against my collarbone, her hand reaching up, gently stroking the side of my neck in the most comforting way.
The shift in weight is evident.
She sighs again, feeling lighter already.
