hole that was promised, I’ve lost myself. Caved into my own demise. She warned me, I can’t say that she didn’t. All the signs were there. I’ll break your heart. You’ll never escape. Phrases I brushed off as her being defiant and cute, when in reality, they were truth bombs waiting to explode at a later time once stepped on.
And here I am, jumping all over them.
It’s been two and a half weeks since I’ve seen or spoken to Han. Like Hawke said, she vibes in her own reality, disappearing for stints like this all the time. They know this about her and yet she’s allowed to just keep doing it. So childish, so irresponsible. I’m bitter as fuck, clearly.
She once told me I deserved to have people waiting for me. Doesn’t she know people are waiting for her?! I’ve never in my life been in a place where I cared what someone thought of me. I am who I am, take it or leave it to most, but when it comes to Han, I care more than I wish I did. As much as I was starting to like her, I’m really starting to fucking hate her.
“Party at the beach tonight,” Hawke says, looking up from his phone.
“Yep, Hollis from the beach shop just texted me too. Gonna be a big one. It’s at Bran’s,” Cole adds in from his lap.
These two might as well just form into the same fucking person. Like, what are they even doing? Cole is always on top of him when he sits and he’s always glued to her hip when she’s standing. Fucking cellular fusion over here.
“Ugh, you know I can’t stand him,” Cole mentions. “He hurt her.”
My brow cocks at her statement as I eye the two of them, confused.
“We don’t need to go,” Hawke says immediately.
“No, it’s fine. So many people will be there, I won’t even see the idiot. Kid, call up Brynn! We can make it a double date.” Cole looks up from her phone with a hopeful smile.
I don’t want to double with Brynn; I want to double with your fucking disappearing ghost of a sister!
“Yeah, yeah sure.” I reply instead.
“She’s totally into you, Kid. C’mon, you can’t be a ho forever. Give the girl a chance.”
“Eh,” I reply. “Wait, did you just call me a ho?! I’m oddly flattered.”
“She’s got a point. You put your dick in anything.” Hawke adds in.
“This is just not true.” I blink quickly, shaking my head in disgust.
“Explain grandma,” Hawke retorts, resting his hands behind his head, waiting with an arrogant smirk on his face.
I hate this man.
“Oh, we’re really going there, huh?” I purse my lips together, glaring at him as Cole sits up, looking back and forth between the two of us.
“Wait, what!? Kid, you fucked a grandma!? Say it isn’t so.” Cole wraps a hand over her lips as if the urge to vomit is upon her.
“Yeah, I fucked a grandma. But she was hot as fuck, so don’t even play me like that Hawke. She got pregnant young and her daughter followed suit. Not my problem!” I shrug, brushing it off.
“The older women do love him,” Hawke says to Cole.
“I get it. He’s got a mouth on him,” she adds, talking as if I’m not even there.
“Not to mention a skilled tongue. Take it for a test drive, baby.” I flap my tongue at her playfully.
“Ew, that rental’s been driven one too many times.”
“Hurt. You hurt me.” I clutch my chest in mocked pain.
“Either way…Brynn,” Cole continues, as if she didn’t just roast my ass. “Talk to her. She’s cute and super nice.”
These two and their fucking love story. It’s not real life. They think they can sprinkle their fairy dust on me. Shit’s useless over here!
Brynn is cool, though. She’s definitely more my speed than Tarah was. Brynn and I met through some mutual friends of Hawke and Cole’s that work at the beach shop nearby. They’re locals, so they don’t vibe well with the touristy type that like to trash the beach and party all night. Brynn made it a point to show me how to tell the difference between a trust fund baby and a new money tourist. She’s mildly funny and her quirkiness reminds me of a certain someone that I’m currently trying to forget.
How do you have the most amazing night with someone and wake up to see that nothing changed for them?
LSD night, which is what I’ve decided to call it, has become my worst fucking memory. I wish it was a dream, because living with the memory makes it feel like a constant nightmare.
We talked for hours that night, discussing politics, the Universe, consciousness, all things that really pull you into who a person is and how they perceive the world around them. I saw Han for who she was, and with the LSD onboard, her frame of mind and concept of life were never more clear.
She was afraid. Scared of the things her beautiful mind couldn’t understand, yet in awe of them at the very same time.
The duck, for example. After processing it, I began to see what she saw. Norbert’s hanging carcass was a symbol to her. A symbol of consciousness or lack thereof, and how, in a fleeting moment, we can be gone while those continue to exist around us. Even with the plants. She bought dying plants for a reason. She had a fear of death and the unknown and wanted to stall time until the inescapable came knocking at her door. She showed me how she changed the speed of time, taking me with her. Keeping herself numb and stretching time by warping her mind with drugs while surrounding herself with death seemed to help.
The question was why. Why was she deflecting? Why did she feel the need to numb herself? What was the root of this mental awareness?
High off hallucinogens, we found our numb together that night, constantly touching one another, kissing those passionate kisses, until the inevitable happened.
We had sex.
It wasn’t ordinary.
I heard church bells ringing in my ears as we fucked for hours. She was wild. Insatiably wild. There wasn’t a moment that I felt like this woman knew what the word insecurity meant. She owned her body, loved the skin she was in, and showed me how to love it, too.
Our lips and tongues traced over each other’s stories, memorizing the newness, absorbing the knowledge of what drove a pulse to the point of explosion.
She opened herself to me as I entered her, feeling a full sense of a connection I’d never known. It was passionate, full of emotions, yet sexy and erotic as fuck. She’s a vocal lover, crying out and grabbing onto me as if she wasn’t ready for the ride I was taking her on. Her sounds, fuck, her breathy moans while she clawed at my skin, got me rolling my eyes to the back of my head just thinking about it.
When we finally reached our orgasms, it felt like it lasted forever. The drugs may have assisted in that, but even so, I came harder than I ever have before and the sensation was so pronounced; I felt it lasted at least thirty minutes. We were breathless and smiling at each other like we’d discovered the Holy Grail of connection.
It was the best night of my fucking life.
Followed up by the worst day.
The next morning, after the drugs wore off, I woke up to her legs over mine, her head against my chest. She had wrapped herself around me while sleeping, and it surprised me how good it felt.
I’d changed from our experience. Something within me felt different. Our connection enlightened me. But Han? She remained the same.
After waking up, she’d instantly retreated, becoming a meat shell of herself. It was as if the glimpse of the real her I’d seen through the drugs had been suffocated out of her carcass like Norbert on the wall.
Peppy, fun, sweet, random, yet still totally disconnected as if it was just another day, another experience with, unfortunately, yet another man. I’d asked her for her number before I left, but she said she’d lost her phone and was in the process of getting a new one. Too bad I found it while she was in the bathroom and got the number, anyway. Yeah, I’m a creep. But I’m a creep who busted a nut for a half hour. I wasn’t about to let that shit go.
And then, after I left, she vanished, not to be seen or heard from in weeks.
I couldn’t mentally process it. I knew she was deflecting emotions, pushing away feelings, but the why still remained. As intrigued as I was, did I really want to work on solving a puzzle that may never be solved?
So here I am, planning another date because I’m not waiting around on a girl, nor am I going to call one who lied about having a phone.
Hawke and I finally got to work for the day. Pulling up some old flooring and putting down hardwood. It’s a dirty job, nasty as hell, but dammit if Hawke isn’t skilled as fuck. This guy has learned how to do all of this shit on his own, studied reviews and watched endless YouTube videos on a variety of home maintenance.
“Ya know, I think you found your niche, bruh.”
Hawke laughs at my statement, clearly copying his sentiments.
He wipes sweat from his forehead, putting the tape measure back into his tool belt.
“I like being my own boss. I can tell ya that much,” he replies, grabbing a bottle of water from the cooler, tossing it to me.
We sit down for a few minutes, taking a break to have a drink and chat.
“So have you thought about what you might do after the summer?” he asks, taking a one-handed pull from the water bottle.
“I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow, dude,” I reply, making a face.
“Figure it out, Kid. Life is gonna flash before your eyes before you know it and you’re gonna wish you had a plan.”
“What’s your plan? What are the infamous Cam and Cole planning next? You’ve got your deserved freedom, you got the dream house, the dream job, the dream girl…what’s next?” I smirk.
He sighs, looking off into the corner with a face of total bliss.
“You’re right. I’ve got it all,” he smiles, then snaps his head up to me. “But it took going through the roughest and darkest times to get there.”
I nod, knowing what they’ve been through, seeing the shit firsthand. They definitely went through it, challenged in ways that would break most, but in the end, they always had each other. They held strong in what they knew to be true, what they knew to be right. They fought for their love, as unconventional as it was. I love Cole for sticking with him when her world was crumbling around her. She could’ve caved, but instead she gave up everything for this man, and he deserved every bit of that.
“But fuck if I don’t love that woman with everything that I am,” he states, looking down at his hands. “She showed me I was worth loving, that I was worth the good things in life I thought were above me. She proved to me I could have it all. She sacrificed herself for me. For me.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
“That’s heavy man,” I nod. “And, it’s real.”
“Next step for us is marriage and kids, lots of fucking kids.” He grins, raising his brows.
“Kids!? Aw fuck, I’m not ready to be an uncle yet. I’m Kid…a kid my damn self,” I chuckle.
“Well, get ready, because I’m about to knock her pretty ass up.” He smirks as he looks down to the floor, biting down on the corner of his lip as he visualizes it.
“Now that I think about it, I probably have some kids running around somewhere,” I comment, finger to my lips, tapping while looking around the rental.
“I wouldn’t doubt that your spawn are out there somewhere, ya nasty fuck.”
“I’m everybody’s daddy, if you know what I mean,” I raise my eyebrows suggestively, shrugging before catching the beer Hawke throws at me.
“Get your life together,” he shakes his head as he stands, ready to get back at it.
“That’s what I’m here for.” I grin, standing along with him.
We work on the floors for a few more hours before packing it up and heading back to the house. Cole is inside making some lasagna for us, dancing around in the kitchen to Justin Bieber. She’s a gem.
“Oh, hey guys! How was work?” She runs over to Hawke immediately, planting a kiss on his lips as he picks her up by the waist.
These two.
“It was good, got a lot done on the new property,” Hawke replies, finally putting her down. “Gonna shower up, then I’ll be right out.”
“Need some help?” she asks him, cocking her brow, her hands already trailing down his abdomen for his belt. “I can make sure you’re good and cleaned out.”
“Guys! I’m right fucking here!” I yell to the lovebirds about to have sex in front of the door.
“Oh shit, sorry Kid.” She blushes. “I just get so…” She trails her sentence, blinking her eyes wildly while shaking her head, attempting to brush off her lust for him while reluctantly walking back towards the kitchen.
“Jesus,” I shake my head, looking at her while talking to Hawke. “You’re about to have a litter.”
His grin is as wide as the house as he eyes his woman. “I know man, I know.”
We clean up, sitting down to eat some lasagna before we all head down to the party together.
Brynn is waiting for me by the driveway of the house in her cute little cut-off shorts and white loose sweater, her brown curls bouncing everywhere as we approach the party.
“Look at you, handsome,” she grins, linking her arm through mine.
“Handsome, huh? You like my style? I’m kinda dark for the beach crowd.”
I’m as unconventional as they come. I wear black to the beach when everyone else is apparently wearing white. Their clothing is flowy and free and my black joggers have zippers every which way you look. I’m always fitted in some sort of worn out band shirt. Tonight it’s vintage Guns N’ Roses, my Converse Chuck Taylors completing the look.
“You always make it work,” she grins, leaning into me.
We walk around the house, following Hawke and Cole until they see some people they know. Brynn pulls me to the keg, getting us some beers. We settle into the spot as more people arrive. We hang for a few hours, chatting about random things while we people-watch those around us. I’m actually having a chill time.
“So tell me, do you like it here in Cali? Think you’ll stay for a while?” Brynn asks, sitting next to me on one of the benches near the fire.
I link my arm around her, holding my cup of beer by the rim in the other hand.
“If you’re here, then yeah, guess I’m gonna have to.” I wink, laying on the charm.
She giggles, leaning into me with her head.
I grab her chin, pulling her face to my lips and kiss her. Her lips are soft and she smiles as she kisses me. I slip my tongue between her lips, finding hers as our kiss intensifies. It feels good, and I like where this is going, don’t get me wrong, but it just doesn’t electrify. Not yet anyway.
She pulls back a little, tucking her curls back behind her ear, letting out a shy chuckle.
“Wanna go somewhere?” I ask, taking a quick sip of my beer, eager to see if we have a spark between us or not.
“Yeah,” she grins mischievously. “Come with me.”
“Oh, I definitely plan to,” I blurt out, then mentally slap myself for the word vomit.
She pauses, looking back at me with narrowed eyes and her lip pulling at the corner.
“You’re a wild one, Kid.”
I stand up, wrapping an arm around her neck, while feeling for my coke in my pants pocket, my weed in the other.
“You don’t know the half of it.”
