I woke up determined to give Layla all my focus today. Maybe it was guilt.
It wasn’t hard to give her all my focus. She was by my side most of the day because the weather outside left us with little else to do.
It’s almost midnight and Layla still hasn’t fallen asleep.
That might be because of the storm. She doesn’t like the idea of being in the middle of tornado alley during a thunderstorm, but I’ve been keeping an eye on the weather. There aren’t any tornado warnings . . . just lots of lightning and rain. And thunder that makes her tense up every time it shakes the house.
I normally find this kind of weather relaxing, but right now I’m just irritated with it because it’s keeping Layla awake.
She’s lying on the couch with me in the Grand Room, scrolling through her social media posts. Her feet are in my lap. I’m trying to finish reading the book I started six months ago—the one about the game show host who claimed to be a spy—but my eyes are just scanning the screen.
I’m not soaking up any of the words because I can’t stop thinking about Willow. Layla did agree to give me a few more days in the house, but we’ll still eventually have to leave.
Willow will be alone.
It’s not like I can just come visit her—this place is in the middle of nowhere. It involves a flight, a rental car, hours of driving. It’s an entire day of travel.
I’m going to have to put an offer in on the house if I want to help her find answers eventually. Even if Layla doesn’t want to live here, I would hate for someone else to buy it. I could hire someone else to run the place—
turn it back into a bed and breakfast so Willow wouldn’t be lonely. There
would be a constant revolving door of strangers. She might enjoy that more than sitting alone in an empty house.
And if I owned this place, it would give me an excuse to come back occasionally. To visit Willow without Layla growing suspicious.
Is that emotional cheating?
Willow is a ghost. It’s not like she could come between me and Layla.
But I guess she has in a way.
Willow and I have grown comfortable with one another . . . to the point that I’m starting to prefer her company over Layla’s. I’m not proud of that. Layla means so much to me, but I’m fascinated— obsessed, even—
with the idea that this life isn’t the only one that matters. One would think that would make me feel like this life matters even more, but I’ve felt myself growing distant from this world. I’m being pulled into Willow’s, or maybe she’s being pulled into mine. Either way, we don’t belong in each other’s worlds, but now that we’ve found an easy way to combine them, it makes me disinterested in everything else around me.
That’s not Layla’s fault. There’s nothing Layla has done wrong. She’s the victim in all of this. She was the victim six months ago, and she’s the victim now, even though she’s unaware of it. The only thing Layla did wrong is fall in love with me.
I thought this trip was going to make things better for her. Maybe that would have worked out had I not discovered Willow’s existence in this house. Now I’ve done nothing but allow my fascination with whatever Willow is to drive an even bigger wedge between me and every other aspect of my life.
Layla seems unaware of any of it, though. She may think things are just fine between us. But that’s only because she doesn’t remember the details, and how great it was between us before I essentially became her caretaker.
Not that I would have made any other choice. But regardless of the love behind caring for her, or the good intentions—recovery still takes its toll, not only on the person recovering, but on everyone around them.
“What are you reading?” Layla asks.
I look over at her, and she’s dropped her cell phone to her chest. Her head is tilted and her hair is spread out over the pillow beneath her. She’s barely wearing anything—a silky see-through top that doesn’t even cover her navel. A matching pair of cream-colored panties. I set my phone down on the arm of the couch and wrap my hand around Layla’s ankle. I drag it slowly up to her knee. “Still trying to finish that same book.”
“What book?”
“The one about the game show host who thinks he’s an assassin.”
She shakes her head a little. “Doesn’t sound familiar.”
I start to say, “I told you about it,” but then I remember that was one of the last conversations we had before she got shot. She has no memory of that entire day, or the week that followed. No memory of our conversations that day leading up to the moment she got shot. Sometimes I fill in the holes for her, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’d feel bad for bringing up something that could trigger her anxiety.
“It’s just some novel,” I say, adjusting myself on the couch so that I’m lying next to her. She cuddles against me, pressing a kiss to my neck. I take in the scent of her shampoo. It’s tropical—mangoes and bananas—and it reminds me of everywhere that isn’t Lebanon, Kansas. Everywhere Layla would probably rather be than right here.
What will she think if I buy this house?
Should I even buy it?
Or should we just pack up and leave before every line I’ve already crossed becomes a wall so high we can’t climb over?
“Leeds.”
Layla’s voice is a distant whisper, hanging in the air as I struggle with whether I want to leave my sleep and follow that voice.
“Leeds, wake up.”
Her hand is on my cheek, and we’re pressed together. We’re still on the couch. It’s not surprising we fell asleep, considering all the nights I spend awake with Willow. I’ve been getting just as little sleep as Layla gets.
I slip my hand inside the back of her silk shirt and run my palm up her skin. When I do this, she presses her hands so hard against my chest she propels herself off the couch and onto the floor. Her sudden movement, followed by the thud, forces my eyes wide open. I lean over the couch in search of her. She’s on her back, staring up at me.
It’s Willow. Not Layla.
“My bad,” I say, scrambling to help her off the floor. “I thought you were Layla.”
When she stands up, she looks down at herself—at the clothes Layla put on earlier. Or lack thereof.
My voice is rough when I say, “You should probably go change.” I clear my throat and walk into the kitchen while she runs up the stairs.
I make us a pot of coffee because Willow feels Layla’s exhaustion when she’s inside of her. I certainly feel the exhaustion. It’s late, and the last thing I need is coffee. The last thing I need is an excuse to stay up and chat with someone who isn’t Layla. But when Willow comes back downstairs and enters the kitchen, I’m relieved to see her, and I instantly forget how wrong this is.
She threw on a T-shirt and a pair of Layla’s pajama pants. She nudges her head toward the coffee. “Good idea.”
When it’s finished brewing, I fill two cups with coffee and slide one over to her. She’s standing next to me at the counter. We’re shoulder to shoulder as I pour cream into my cup and she stirs sugar into hers.
“Did you know in ancient Arab culture, a woman could only divorce her husband if he didn’t like her coffee?” Willow asks.
I lean against the counter. “Is that true?”
She nods, leaning against the counter next to me, facing me. She sips slowly from her cup and then says, “I read it in one of those books in the Grand Room.”
“How many have you read?”
“All of them.”
“What other random facts have you learned?”
She sets her cup down and then pushes herself up onto the countertop.
“The most expensive coffee in the world is made in Indonesia. It’s expensive because the beans are eaten and digested by a cat before they’re used to make the coffee.”
I wasn’t expecting a fact like that. I look down at my coffee and grimace. “What do they do? Dig the digested beans out of cat shit?”
She nods.
“People pay more money for coffee made from cat shit?”
Willow grins. “Rich people are weird. That could be you someday.
Drinking cat shit coffee on your mega-yacht.”
“I hope to hell not.”
She presses both hands into the counter at her sides. She leans back a little, swinging her legs back and forth. “What’s your mother like?”
That question throws me for a loop. “My mom?”
She nods. “I hear you on the phone with her sometimes.”
There are so many times throughout the day I wonder where Willow is when she’s not in Layla’s body. Does she follow me around? Does she just hang out in the Grand Room all day? Does she ever follow Layla around?
“She’s a good person. I got lucky.”
Willow releases a slow breath and then looks down at her swinging feet. She stops moving them. “I wonder what my mother was like.”
It’s the first time she’s ever acknowledged that she might have had an actual human life prior to the one she’s living. It makes me wonder if she’s having a change of heart. If maybe she does want to try and research into her past.
“I’m thinking about putting in an offer on the house.”
Willow perks up at that. “This house? You really are going to buy it?”
I nod.
“Does Layla want to live here?”
“Probably not. But I could pitch it to her as a business investment. It would give me a reason to visit you.”
“Why doesn’t she like it here? When I’ve looked back on her memories of this place, they all seem good.”
“A lot has happened since we met. I don’t know that it’s this particular place she doesn’t like. She just hasn’t had a chance to settle since she was released from the hospital. I don’t think anywhere will feel like home to her until we can pick out a place together, and I doubt she’ll want a place this isolated.”
“She lived in Chicago before, right? Do you think she wants to go back there?”
I stare at Willow, wondering if she knows that’s what Layla wants, and she’s just saying that as a hint. “I don’t know. You tell me.”
Willow shakes her head. “I don’t want to dig around in her head anymore. Like I said before, her thoughts are chaotic.”
“What do you mean by chaotic?”
“I’m not sure,” Willow says with a shrug of her shoulders. “You say she’s lost a lot of her memories, but to me, when I’m inside her head, there are too many for me to process. It’s like they all overlap, so it’s hard for me
to really sift through them. But honestly, they aren’t my thoughts to sift through, so I mostly just ignore them.”
“That’s probably the right thing to do.”
She laughs half-heartedly. “I think we blurred the line between right and wrong a while ago.”
Neither of us speaks for a moment after she says that. It’s tough, because we both know this is wrong, but I think we’re both hoping the other one doesn’t put a stop to it. We obviously enjoy each other’s company or we wouldn’t be doing this night after night.
Willow looks at me thoughtfully. “What happened the night you and Layla were shot?”
I stand up straighter. Shuffle my weight to my other leg. “You can’t just dig around in her head for that? It’s not really something I like talking about.”
Willow is silent for several seconds. “I could . . . but I want to hear your version.”
I don’t like talking about it. I swore to myself after I recounted every detail to the police that I’d never talk about it again unless Layla asked.
Willow is waiting for me to say something. I open my mouth to respond, just as thunder rolls across the sky and a streak of lightning hits nearby. Willow flinches, and the lights go out.
The kitchen lights didn’t even flicker—they just immediately shut off, along with every other appliance in the house.
The sound of thunder is still rumbling through the house when Willow says, “Leeds?”
She sounds frightened.
I find her in the dark, and she’s no longer sitting on the counter. She’s standing in the middle of the kitchen. I rub my hands down her arms reassuringly. “It’s okay. The power just went out. It’ll probably kick back on in a second.”
Willow steps back and says, “What’s going on?” Her words come out quick and shaky. “Where are we?”
More lightning illuminates the kitchen, and I stare at her between flashes of darkness and bright light. Her eyes are full of fear. I can immediately tell I’m no longer looking at Willow. “Layla?”
“What the fuck is going on?” she says, her voice louder as she takes another step back. She grips the counter next to her, looking wildly around
the kitchen. “Why am I in the kitchen?”
I immediately grab Layla and pull her against me. I press my hand against the back of her head. “It’s okay,” I say, trying to come up with an excuse as to why she’s now standing in the middle of the kitchen with no memory as to how we ended up here. “The power went out. It woke us up.”
“Why don’t I remember that? How are we in the kitch—” She stops talking.
She releases a sigh.
I feel her relax, and I can immediately tell Willow has taken back over because she feels different in my arms. She pulls away from my chest.
“I’m sorry,” Willow says. “The lightning startled me and I must have accidentally slipped out of her.” There’s a new concern in her eyes that wasn’t there before. Willow brings her thumb up to her mouth and starts to chew on it. “She’ll remember this tomorrow. She’ll remember waking up down here.”
I don’t like seeing Willow worried just as much as I don’t like seeing Layla worried. “Hey,” I say, squeezing her hand. “It’s okay. I’ll pass it off like she had a nightmare, or she was half-asleep.”
Willow nods, but I can still see the nervous energy in her expression.
“Okay.” She covers her face with her hands. “God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Willow.”
She nods again, but I can tell she doesn’t feel reassured.
Neither do I.
