Will
I needed to go home.
It was after two in the afternoon now — far past the end of practice and any excuse I had to stay at the arena. My body was weak, rebelling against my whirring mind as I pushed myself to exhaustion on one of the bikes in the team gym.
I’d shown up earlier than necessary, rolling in at seven when practice didn’t even start until nine. After practice, we had a meeting pre-scouting our opponents for tomorrow’s game, and then most of the team had stayed for an hour or two of training before leaving.
But I was still here.
Vince and Jaxson invited me to Vince’s beach house to get away for a while, but I declined.
Coach checked in on me, making me promise not to work myself into the ground before the game tomorrow. Still, I stayed.
Now, I had sweat dripping into my eyes, hands weak on the handlebars, legs aching as I pedaled slower and slower, my energy leaving me in monstrous waves now. But I wanted the pain. I wanted the fatigue. I wanted to feel anything other than the gaping hole in my chest.
I was a fucking coward.
I’d woken in the middle of the night with my chest so tight I thought I was having a heart attack. The reality of what I’d done with Chloe was like a thousand knives to the gut, and I’d curled into a ball on the floor of my bathroom until my breathing had somewhat steadied.
As soon as it had, I’d dressed, slipping out into the living room without saying a word to Chloe. She’d looked so peaceful sleeping in my sheets, and the longer I watched her, the more I longed to just climb back in with her.
But she deserved more than that.
She deserved me knowing what to say when we finally spoke. She deserved me having a decision made, a plan, an apology… an explanation.
I didn’t have any of that in the early morning light, so I left her with a kiss on her forehead and a silent promise that I’d have something worth her time when I returned.
I’d checked on Ava, called in Uncle Mitch, let Chef Patel know that I wanted Chloe to take the day off, and then… I’d left.
It made perfect sense when I did it.
I justified my actions with excuses that felt sound. I just needed a little time to think, to work through what this meant, to know what to say when I saw her. I’d just get through practice and then I’d suddenly know what to do.
But the longer I was at the rink, the more I worked my body into the ground, the more I realized it wouldn’t stop my mind from racing. It wouldn’t change the fact that I didn’t know what all this meant or what came next.
I only knew that somewhere along the way, I’d fallen in love with Chloe Knott.
And that wasn’t a part of our agreement.
I should have stayed this morning. I should have worked through it with her. I should have confessed that I’m an idiot and that she makes me want to break every rule I’ve ever made.
But I was afraid.
I was afraid of not having control, of not being the one with everything handled.
I was afraid of repeating a past that still haunted me to this day, of hurting her, of putting her in danger somehow just by becoming involved with her.
There was so much riding on what happened next. If I confessed my feelings for her, would she even reciprocate them? Would she want what I do?
To be together?
The best-case scenario was that she would, and even that would leave a host of questions — her employment with me, her living situation, her job at the school once she was in the media limelight…
Ava.
My chest tightened at the thought of my daughter, of how this would impact her.
Because the worst-case scenario of me telling Chloe how I felt would be that she didn’t want what I want, that I crossed a line and now she’s uncomfortable.
That now she wanted to leave.
And even if the best-case scenario happened, there was the very real possibility that Chloe and I may not work out in the long run. And then where would that leave us?
Where would that leave my daughter?
The other option was to lie to her, to say last night meant nothing, that the last few months had meant nothing.
The best-case scenario there would be that she agreed, that we’d laugh it off and go back to whatever kind of normal we could find after. The worst case would be that I hurt her, that she admits there’s more to it for her and she can’t continue the way we have been.
And in both situations — it was still a lie.
A lie I couldn’t live with.
A lie I wasn’t even sure I could mutter at this point.
My mind was a hot, seeping mess of thoughts like these, one whipping in before the previous thought could even pack its bags. This was what I had been so afraid of from the beginning. It was why I told myself to stay far away from her, to not entertain my desire for her.
But I had.
And that desire wasn’t born from wanting her body alone.
It was from wanting all of her.
I loved her.
I knew it before I even admitted it silently to myself, and yet the thought hit me like a train. I stopped pedaling, hanging my arms on the bars and resting my head between them in defeat.
I fucking loved her.
I loved her positivity, her light, her humor. I loved how strong and independent she was, how she’d created a life on her own without needing attention or validation from anyone else. I loved that she knew herself so fully, that she was so unapologetic in her hobbies, her philosophies, her way of life.
I loved the way she loved my daughter.
I loved how she’d brought the sunshine into our lives, how she’d made that giant house a home.
I loved the way she laughed, the way she found a way to make me laugh again. I loved her crazy midnight existential crises and her asshole cats.
I loved how she knew what I needed before I ever had to say it, and how she let me in when everything inside her said she shouldn’t.
I’d taken that trust for granted this morning.
I should have said something, but I’d clammed all the way up.
And now, as the hours ticked by, it felt like it was too late to fix it.
Once again, I was frozen, a prisoner of my own stupidity.
The gym door opened without a sound, the only cue a brush of cold air drafting across my heated skin. I dragged myself to sit upright, mopping my face with a towel before I looked over my shoulder.
Aleks Suter looked grumpier than me when he sauntered in, his brows furrowed, teeth practically bared as he slung his bag into a corner. As the final push before playoffs did to all of us, he was thinner than when the season started, his muscles more pronounced from days and days of skating nonstop.
He walked over to me without a greeting, standing directly in front of my bike and folding his arms over his chest.
“Listen to me, and listen to me well,” he said, not giving me a chance to tell him to fuck off before he kept on, his voice growing louder. “I understand you’re usually the one who whips guys into shape around here. I saw it when I first joined the team and for many months after. I know when someone is distracted, you call them back to the task at hand. I know when someone is having issues off the ice, you’re the one who talks them through it until there’s a solution that doesn’t impact the team in a negative way. I know you’re a leader. But right now, you’re falling apart. You’re held together by a single thread. I don’t know who else sees it, but I sure as shit do, and we’re going to squash whatever is going on right the fuck now. You’re not leaving this room until you talk it out. Because we have eight games left before the playoffs, Perry, and I’ll be damned if I let you ruin my shot at the Cup after all I’ve been through to get to this point.”
I blinked, both unamused and impressed by his outburst. “You finished?”
“Yep. Your turn.” He hopped up in the bike seat next to me, leaning his back against the handlebars and waiting.
For a long moment, I just glared at him. Who the fuck did he think he was, coming in here and demanding shit from me? He was a punk, one who had been a real pain in my ass since he first arrived. Even now, he was stirring up media bullshit in a time when our team needed to focus.
And what did he mean after everything he’d been through?
Smoke came out of my ears as I tried to figure it out. I knew he’d had a rough go on the team he was with before, but it was his fault. And likely, the reason they’d choked in the playoffs three years in a row was because he was too busy being a sideshow to be there for his team.
Or maybe I was seeing it wrong.
Maybe there was more to it.
“What do you mean, after all you’ve been through?”
“Nope,” he said instantly. “Not about me. This is about you.”
I flattened my lips. “I’m fine. Working through some personal things.”
“Great. I’m all ears.”
He kicked back even more, crossing his arms again.
The bastard.
Sweat came faster than I could wipe it away, and I knew I’d pushed too hard. I’d pay for this in the game tomorrow. I needed an ice bath and some soft tissue work at the very least.
“I don’t have all day,” Aleks prompted when I took a while to speak.
I sighed. “We’re not friends, Suter. And this is personal. So, just trust me when I say I’m fine and I’ll work it out.”
“No can do,” he said. “Vince is tied up with wedding shit. Grace is in town, so Jaxson isn’t an option either. That means you get me.”
I flattened my lips, ready to walk out if I could get my legs to work. But then he asked a question that made it impossible to move.
“It’s the nanny, isn’t it?”
Shit.
My face must have answered him where my words couldn’t, because he grinned, shaking his head and arching a brow. “I knew it. Let me guess — you took my advice to get your dick wet but didn’t take my advice to set up rules. So now you’ve got your feelings all involved.”
“Fuck you,” I spat, gripping him by the shirt. I pulled his face to mine. Just him talking about her like she was the kind of girl you could fuck and forget made me seethe. “Not all of us are heartless fucking pricks like you are, okay?”
His face went neutral at that, the corner of his lips curling before they fell. I thought I might have struck a nerve. I was about to apologize when he shrugged and laughed.
“Yeah, well, look where having a heart got you.”
I glared at him a moment longer before releasing him and sinking back into my bike seat.
“You knew before you even started hooking up, didn’t you?” Aleks asked. “You knew she was different. You knew you wanted more from her.”
I swallowed.
“Wanna know how I know?” Aleks continued. “Because I think we’re more alike than you want to admit. And I think you know how to scratch your itches when necessary without ever crossing any lines into this territory. You could have easily gone to Boomer’s. You could have fucked a puck bunny and left it at that. But you found a way to fuck her, instead.”
He held up his hands when I snarled at him.
“I’m not saying that disrespectfully,” he said quickly. “I’m just saying, you knew. You liked her then. You wanted her and you didn’t just want sex, even if you did set rules.”
“I did,” I ground out.
“Sure, and how fast did you break them?”
Goddamn it, he was good at this.
He chuckled when I didn’t answer. “How bad is it?”
“Bad,” I croaked.
“Come on, tell me,” he said, waving his hand. “The sooner you get this out, the sooner we can both move on. God knows I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to smelling your stinky ass.”
Maybe I was possessed in that moment, or maybe I was just too exhausted to fight — because for reasons unbeknownst to me… I told Aleks fucking Suter everything that had happened between me and Chloe.
I don’t know what I expected as I laid it all out. I watched his face for signs of judgment, but found none. When I finished and he was all caught up, he was quiet for a long time, nodding and scrubbing the five o’clock shadow on his jaw.
“You want to know what I would do?” he asked. “Or do you want me to tell you what I would want to do, but wouldn’t be strong enough for?”
I frowned. “Both.”
“Well, if it were me, I’d fire her,” he said. “Because you’re in love with her, Perry. Plain and simple. And you’re right. There’s a very real possibility one of you, if not both of you, gets hurt in this. She changes her mind. You change yours. And with Ava in the picture…”
My throat closed in on itself at the thought of letting Chloe go — both as our nanny and as the lifeline I didn’t realize she’d become to me. “And the other option?”
The muscle in his jaw worked for a moment as he looked at me like he wasn’t sure he could voice it. Finally, his voice lower than before, he said, “I’d own my mistake of leaving without a word this morning, I’d chase her down wherever she is, and I’d throw myself at her feet. I’d admit I have no fucking idea what I’m doing but that I want her, consequences be damned. I wouldn’t count all the ways it could go wrong. I wouldn’t let fear hold me back. I’d believe in love.”
I swore, I saw a thousand ghosts dancing in his eyes as he spoke, like he wasn’t just talking about me and Chloe.
“You don’t believe in love?” I asked.
“I believe love is very rarely reciprocated, and it’s reserved for men much better than me.”
His expression hardened before I could question him more on that, and he hopped off the bike, clamping a hand hard on my shoulder.
“Look — all I can say is that I’ve known you the least amount of time out of everyone on this team, and even I can see how good this girl has been for you. For your family. I can also see that not giving in to your feelings for her has twisted you up into a fucking knot. So, let me ask you this — when I proposed the option of losing her altogether, did it make you sick to think about?”
“Positively ill.”
“Then you already know the answer. What happened with Jenny…”
I stiffened at her name, and I wouldn’t have thought it was possible had I not seen it with my own eyes, but Aleks softened, frowning, taking a moment to consider his words.
“It was fucking brutal, man. I… I’m sorry you had to go through it. Life handed you a real shit card with that, and I don’t blame you for never wanting to go through anything like it again. I’m not going to sit here and tell you everything with Chloe will be a fairy tale, and I have no idea what her lifespan will be. Sure, you might lose her. But hell, we could all lose someone. It’s a possibility every single day. That’s why they stitch shit on pillows about hugging everyone you love and making the most of every moment.”
I almost laughed.
“So yeah, I don’t know what will happen or how long you’ll have with her. Maybe forever. Maybe just a few months. But I do know that my goalie ain’t no fucking bitch,” he said with a smirk. “And you’re a better man than I am, than most are. So, don’t let fear fuck this up. Don’t lose her because of what ifs.”
“But what if she doesn’t want this?” I shot back immediately. “I told you about her family, about her past… and here I am already proving her theory correct.”
“So grovel, you dumbass,” Aleks said simply. “And then do your best every day to prove her wrong, to prove her mom and grandma wrong, too. And if she doesn’t accept that, if she doesn’t want more, then you respect it and you move the fuck on. Jesus,” he added, shaking his head and releasing his hold on me. “Alright, are we done with this? I’m breaking out in hives. And you smell like dog shit.”
I chuckled, nodding. “Yeah, yeah, we’re done.” I stood, wincing as every muscle in my body protested when I did. I clapped him on the back. “Thanks, man. I think I was wrong about you. You’re not the little shit I thought you were.”
“Don’t get excited,” he said, shrugging me off. “I’m exactly who you think I am.”
“Seems like you’re being who you want me to think you are — who you want everyone to think you are.”
“Like you said before, we aren’t friends, Perry,” he said, and he was already walking for the door when he shot over his shoulder. “And we’ll all be happier if we keep it that way.”
He left without another word, and the silence of the team gym covered me, my ears ringing in the quiet.
I looked up at the mirror, at the sweat dripping off me, at my hunched shoulders and ragged, red eyes.
I was a wreck. I was so much less than what Chloe deserved.
And yet, I felt the burning in my chest to be better.
For her.
For Ava.
For our family.
I showered quickly, ignoring the pain racking my body, and then I was on the phone as I packed my bag and headed for the team parking lot.
“How’s Ava?” I asked Mitch when he answered.
“Oh, bounced back like the trooper she is. She’s sore, I can tell, but she’s strong. We’re making popcorn and settling in for another movie.”
I nodded, chest on fire as I all but sprinted for my car. “Is Chloe there?”
“No, she took the day off like you told her to.” He paused. “Why?”
“I need to talk to her.”
“You finally going to tell her you’re in love?”
That stopped me in my tracks only for a moment before I opened my trunk and slung my bag inside. “Sure am.”
Uncle Mitch let out a rich growl of a laugh, and I swore I heard Chef Patel laughing in the background, too. It was a bit early for her to be there prepping for dinner, but maybe she’d wanted to stay with Ava. She loved her like her own.
“About damn time!” she called.
“I hope my daughter is in the other room?”
“She is,” Mitch confirmed. “But my bet is that she knows it, too, you dummy.”
“Okay, we can all take turns calling me names later. Any clue where Chloe went?”
“Her mom’s,” Chef answered.
Double shit.
I knew from all Chloe had told me just how her mom and grandmother felt about men.
I guess I was about to experience their wrath in real time.
