Maybe I lost my mind.
There’s no other explanation to what I told Kirill a week ago after he proceeded to deny me one orgasm after the other in the worst form of torture I’ve ever experienced.
But when I woke up to find myself enveloped in his arms, all that discomfort vanished. However, the moment I actually felt strongly about making this decision was when he not only let me hug him, but also hugged me back.
Well, he only wrapped his arm around my lower back, but that counts.
Those aren’t the only reasons I did it, though. After my grandmother and uncle disowned me, Kirill is the one who gave me purpose. Yes, it came with pain and heartbreak, but it was purpose all the same.
Is it a surprise that I pledged my loyalty to him for life? In a way, no, since that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since I came here with him after he was shot.
And who knows? Maybe in a couple of months when his trust is restored, I can confirm that he has no involvement in my family’s deaths.
He’s just not the type.
So I scrapped my previous plan that entailed sneaking around his office. From now on, I’ll be direct and refrain from using any deceitful methods.
On one hand, I have no clue what else I can do. But on the other, it feels like the best decision I’ve ever made. Kirill doesn’t only make me feel like the woman I yearn to be again, but he also makes me feel.
So much, it’s painful.
Uncomfortable, too.
Sometimes, I think it’d be better if I just removed myself from his side. Maybe I’d fly back to Russia or a different country altogether and start over again.
But the mere thought of separating myself from him physically hurts and I have to take a few moments to recover from its imaginary impact.
“Move it, Lipovsky.”
I stand in front of the car and stare at Viktor, who’s been glaring at me ever since Kirill announced that we’re sharing the senior guard position.
To say he doesn’t like it would be an understatement. He asked Kirill if I’m threatening him with something—as if I could ever do that.
The others, though, took the news well. Actually, Maksim threw a party for me a few days ago and nearly got himself killed by Yuri when he tried to make him dance.
Even Karina showed up wearing the most beautiful lace dress and gave me a gift—a stunning coat that I will only wear on special occasions.
She told her brother that she still hasn’t given up on me and will one day have me as her guard.
Kirill, on the other hand, wasn’t impressed with the whole party thing and kept glaring at anyone who held me by the shoulder or bro-hugged me—mainly Maksim. He even retreated to his office early and spent the entire night there, telling us not to disturb him.
Viktor, who currently looks like he’s plotting my death, barely showed his face that night and only came to shadow Kirill.
Now, we’re standing in front of the main car while Kirill, Damien, and Rai are inside a traditional Japanese restaurant for a meeting with the higher-ups of the Yakuza.
Since Kirill will be leaving with Damien in the same car, only one of us gets to ride in the front. Usually, that’s Viktor, because he makes everyone follow his order.
“You, move it,” I say casually. “You can ride with Maksim.”
He steps forward so that he’s towering over me. “The fuck did you just say?”
“You heard me just fine.”
His eyes blaze as he glares down on me. “Move it. That’s an order.”
“You have no right to give me orders anymore. I’m in the same position as you.”
“Listen here, you little shit. I don’t know what you threatened Boss with to get here, but I will find out and get you exiled from the fucking country.”
“Are you insinuating that Boss is weak and is prone to be threatened?” I say with a fake alarmed tone.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But that’s the impression I got. I’m sure it’s what he’ll get, too, if he hears about this after he specifically told you there was no threatening involved. Are you, by any chance, calling Boss a liar?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“I can’t guarantee to keep this bit of information to myself.” I pat his shoulder. “But since we’ve been through thick and thin together, I’ll pretend I heard nothing as long as you back the fuck off.”
His shoulders tense beneath my touch and I think he’ll punch me or something, but his palpable anger slowly subsides.
“This isn’t over, you little fuck.”
I make a face at his back and go to escort Kirill out of the restaurant. Since this meeting was requested by the Yakuza, there’s an army of their guards around the property. We got a copy of their security plan, so we know the best exits in case of an attack.
I nod at Damien’s senior guard, Vladislav, and he nods back as we head in the same direction. Where his boss is impulsive and trigger happy, Vladislav is as calm as a mountain. And no, it’s not the same stoic mountain that Viktor resembles.
Vladislav is down to earth, wise, and has a silent presence. I’m going to guess he’s one of the main reasons Damien hasn’t already gotten himself killed.
Rai’s guard, Katya, silently joins us. I’ve always liked her, though I’ve never shown it due to the obvious animosity between her boss and mine.
Like me, she’s a girl who’s making her way in a man’s world. Rai, who’s a huge advocate of women in the organization, personally handpicked her and helped make her this powerful.
The only difference between Katya and me is that she doesn’t hide the fact that she’s a woman. Yes, she gets shit about it from everyone since she’s the only female guard, but she just ignores them and does her thing.
I wish I had that luxury. If I’d met Kirill as a woman, would he have let me be his female guard?
What the hell am I talking about? A leader in this misogynistic organization wouldn’t let a woman protect him. He’d be seen as weak and hiding behind her skirt.
It’s different in Rai’s case because she’s a woman herself, so having a female guard isn’t as weirdly viewed.
Besides, if I had presented myself as a woman, I probably wouldn’t have met him in the army and none of this twisted fate would’ve happened.
Once Katya speeds ahead of us, probably to avoid being with us as much as possible, Vladislav falls in step beside me. “How many cars do you have?”
“Two including the main one. You?”
“Same. But we didn’t know about this meeting, so we have six men in total.”
“Eight for us.”
“You have any idea where your boss is taking mine?”
“I have the same information you do.”
He stops and fixates me with his blank expression. “I don’t like this, Aleksander. I don’t like being kept in the dark.”
“You think I’m a fan?” All I know is that Kirill received a huge backlash from Juan’s cartel after the failure of the last mission.
We’re having problems, and as a result, the shipment has been postponed indefinitely. Juan is a very careful man, probably because he’s been betrayed more than anyone can count. So despite Kirill’s reassurances that the security would be doubled, Juan wouldn’t hear of it.
Of course, no one in the organization knows about this. Kirill merely told them that there’s a delay in the upcoming shipment, but that it’s minor and nothing to worry about.
I’m guessing he has something on Damien and will use it to get him to his side, but I have no clue how he intends to do that or when.
All I know is that it’s crucial Damien joins us instead of Rai, who’s coming on strong in the race toward the throne, especially since her marriage. It doesn’t help that she’s been particularly antagonistic toward Kirill.
“Two high-risk meetings in one day isn’t something I approve of,” Vladislav continues.
“I’m the same.” I’m just praying for this day to end already so I can be alone with Kirill.
Well, not in that sense, but I’m his night guard again and I get to sit opposite him while he works, then eventually falls asleep.
This morning, I found myself on his bed while he was getting dressed. I might have pretended to still be asleep so I could watch the erotic show like a creep.
It doesn’t matter how many times I see him naked, he still has the same effect on me as he did the first time.
Only now, I get this squeeze of pain whenever I see the bullet scars on his chest. I think I’ll have this sense of guilt for the rest of my life.
Vladislav merely gives me a look that says, This is all because of your boss, then heads inside. I catch a glimpse of Kirill stepping out of the restaurant with Damien, who’s clearly not amused.
Jesus.
How is it possible that I’m only focused on Kirill as if the whole world around him doesn’t exist?
All I can see is his impressive physique and his long legs eating up the distance to where the cars are.
I follow the others but stop when I catch something in my peripheral vision.
Rai freezes for a moment in front of a kid with dark blond hair and green eyes.
“Auntie…?” he calls in a brittle voice, but she’s completely out of sorts. A look of subtle panic covers her features, but it soon disappears when a man carries the child and apologizes to her as he takes him back into the restaurant.
I walk backward for a moment, my eyes meeting Rai’s for a fraction of a second before I look ahead.
There’s a story between her and that kid, a story that I could use to protect Kirill if she attempts to tell the others that she caught him with a ‘man’ or that he’s gay.
I catch up with the others as Kirill and Damien get in the back of the car.
Vladislav insists that Damien’s driver substitutes for Yuri. Either that or he substitutes for me, so I go with the former, despite the discomfort at having to trust someone else other than Yuri with the driving.
Rai sprints in front of me and starts to shove herself into the back seat before I can close the door.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Kirill snaps at her.
“Take me back with you.”
“You have your own car.”
“It’s broken down. Ruslan is trying to fix it.”
“Do I look like a taxi to you?”
“Well, you could be.”
“Leave, Rai.” Damien takes a sip from the bottle of vodka he brought along. “Kirill and I have a meeting.”
“Then do it after you drop me off,” she says.
Kirill shrugs. “Or I can just throw you out.”
“You just wasted a minute. We would’ve arrived faster if we’d taken off already. Besides…Abe told me something after you left.”
“Who cares what that delusional old man says?” Damien swallows another gulp.
Kirill pauses before motioning at the driver to go. I look back at Rai, then immediately stare ahead. It’s better not to get her suspicious.
The car rolls down the street as we sit in relative silence. I’m still uncomfortable about this unexpected change of events. Like Vladislav, I’m wary about anything that doesn’t go according to plan. It started after that army mission in which we lost most of our men.
“What did Abe say?” Kirill asks.
“It’s about Damien.” She peeks at him. “Don’t you want to know?”
“I do want to know why you said I’ll think about it. You want to marry me off, Rai?”
“If it benefits the brotherhood, why not settle down?”
“Settle down? What are you, my mother?”
“First of all, eww. Second of all, just go with it.”
“Just like you went with your own marriage? It’s so boring if we’re all so sacrificial like you, Rayenka.”
“Does that mean you won’t do it?”
“I don’t see why I should.”
“You can’t disrespect Abe that way, Damien. He’s one of the strongest allies we can have.”
Kirill adjusts his glasses. “And he will become our worst enemy if this bull kills his daughter in one of his violent episodes.”
“You hurt women?” she all but snaps at Damien.
He continues drinking from his vodka before he whispers something in her ear.
She pushes him away. “You will control that side of you and treat Abe’s daughter well, and if I find out you hurt any woman, you’ll have me to answer to.”
A grin curls his lips. “Will it be kinky?”
So Damien is getting married. Good luck to the unlucky lady.
Maybe one of us should do her a favor and tell her to run away from home or something. That’s better than sealing her fate with a crazy man like Damien.
He’s in an awfully bad mood and that’s been the case ever since Kirill cornered him in the Pakhan’s house earlier and told him something that made him agree to accompany us now.
That’s probably also why Vladislav has been glaring at me—because I was tasked with keeping him preoccupied while Kirill did his thing.
Rai, however, was never part of the plan, which is why Kirill is annoyed. He doesn’t show much, but I can sense it with the frequent amount he’s adjusting his glasses.
I stare at him through the rearview mirror and our eyes meet for a fraction of a second.
It’s brief, nearly unnoticeable, but my whole world catches fire and I can feel the heat creeping up my cheek.
Shit.
How can he look at me in the same intense way he does during sex? It’s no different than being naked in public.
Not that everyone recognizes that look, but still.
It’s a major distraction in a possibly dangerous situation.
I clear my throat and stare ahead to concentrate better.
Which is kind of impossible, considering I’m sexually starved. Aside from that stupid torture session where he fucked me with all the objects in his nightstand and denied me the pleasure that comes with it, he hasn’t touched me again.
Yesterday, I came out of the shower dressed only in a towel and he looked at me as if he was angry.
No shit. It was like he hated seeing me that way or something, and I wordlessly headed to the closet and changed as fast as I could while biting back my frustration. My things are in the room I share with Yuri, but recently, Kirill has been allowing me to bring a change of clothes when I’m stationed as the night guard.
He doesn’t like to look at me, though.
Maybe he doesn’t want me anymore.
Maybe the sense of betrayal he has toward me is overshadowing everything else.
All of a sudden, the car swerves and comes to a screeching halt. The force is so strong that Rai bumps against the back of my seat.
“What is it?” Kirill asks the driver in Russian.
“Don’t know, sir. There’s something in the road—”
His words cut off when a shot hits his chest—straight through the bulletproof glass.
I don’t think about it as I pull out my gun.
We all rush out of the car as bullets fly everywhere.
I meet Vladislav’s and Viktor’s glances with the same thought.
We’re under attack and we need to protect our bosses.
The three of us and Maksim rush to the front line, facing soldiers who look like an army of ants. From their words and the orders shouted, they’re Albanians.
They’re the last thing we need at the moment.
Yes, we have disagreements with them, but I didn’t think they’d go as far as ambushing us in the middle of the road.
I catch a glimpse behind me, and after I make sure Kirill is taking cover behind one of the cars with Damien and Rai, I run to the front.
“Don’t be a fucking martyr.” I hear him screaming in my head like he did a long time ago, but I don’t stop.
I told him I’d offer my life in return for the shots he took because of me, and I meant it.
My priority is to protect him at any cost.
The bad news is that we’re outnumbered. Hugely so.
And because of that, we have to count our bullets. We hit a few, but I’m not as good with a handgun as I am with a sniper rifle. I still injure or kill anyone I shoot. Better than Viktor anyway.
He runs out of bullets first and jumps behind a nearby car for cover.
It’s only Vladislav and me now, but we’re running out, too.
Shit.
Shit.
This situation is a lot more dire than I originally thought. If they get us, it’ll be child’s play to kill Kirill and Damien, who I’m sure are the reason behind this whole attack.
With a battle cry, Vladislav and I eliminate seven of them combined, but that leaves me without any more bullets.
My shoulders drop as I stare back at Kirill, who’s shooting his own gun.
The world pauses for a moment. There are no more screams, shouts, or sounds of guns being fired. It’s just me and him suspended in the middle of nowhere. I promised that I’ll protect him with my life, but I just failed miserably.
“Forgive me,” I mouth in Russian.
“No!” he roars.
The palpable emotions ring in my head and I want to stop him. I have to, because he’s running toward me and he’ll get himself killed.
But before I can move, something hard hits my head.
Everything turns black.
